Relationships and Food: Guest Blog By Erika Holmes

Food for thought: The relationship between food and relationships

I've heard it said that "how you do one thing is how you do everything." Patterns we build permeate our lives. In my work with people with eating disorders , I have seen that people's relationships with food are often similar to their relationships with people. If "how you do one thing is how you do everything", then it follows that it would be helpful to notice relational patterns, put them in line with values, and capitalize on the potential for that change to influence other aspects in your life. Sometimes when you move social relationships towards values, your relationship with food shifts as a byproduct. 

Anorexia Nervosa

Relationship with food characterized as: avoidant, fearful, rigid, insufficient, shame around size and hunger. 

How do those patterns show up in relationships? Maybe you isolate or avoid people or avoid situations (likely ones involving food, but probably others as well). Maybe you have social anxiety. Maybe you are rigid with socializing and keep a tight schedule or get nervous is plans change or interactions arent neat and tidy. Maybe your social interactions happen infrequently or are surface level and dont sustain the human need for true connection. Maybe you are scared that being in relationships will feel suffocating or heavy or cause discomfort so you avoid them. Maybe you have a fear that you will be too much or need to much and end up people pleasing or keeping a distance in an attempt to stay small. 

Bulimia Nervosa

Relationship with food characterized as: conflicted, chaotic, secretive, shame based. 

How do those patterns show up in relationships? Maybe you seem to have alot of conflict in relationships. Maybe you struggle with boundaries and when to say "yes" or "no" or "I've had enough". Maybe you experience extreemes in relationships of being very close then very distant. Maybe you have guilt and shame over what you want or need or have done in relationships. Relationships may scare you and you struggle with keeping them in balance and tolerating the discomfort they can sometimes bring. 

Binge Eating Disorder

Relationship with food characterized as: lacking boundaries, lacking sense of control, soothing or escapist. 

How do those patterns show up in relationships? Maybe you struggle with knowing how much to give in relationships and end up people pleasing or going past your limits with relationships. Maybe in relationships you feel like you dont have a voice or that voice isnt respected when you set boundaries or express needs. Maybe you have a difficult time being alone and find people to fill your time, even when you know those people arent "good" for you. Maybe you have codependency traits and regulate your mood through focusing on others. 

These lists certainly arent exhaustive and may not fit everyone perfectly. My intention is simply too spark curiosity. Its not helpful to judge or justify patterns. Better to simply observe them and then do what you can to align food and relationship patterns with long term goals and values.

If you notice that you resonate with any of these food or relational patterns, know that there is help and hope. 

- By Erika Holmes, visit her site at: http://www.coloradocft.com/erika-holmes-lmft/

Forgiving Yourself, While Building Empathy

Why is to so difficult for some people to seemingly forgive themselves so easily while other spend an unreasonable amount of time beating themselves up over a mistake.

First off, the person that cannot forgive themselves cannot see what they did as a mistake, and mark themselves as defective or a failure. This mishaps goes from one mistake to a global understanding of themselves. When a person doesn’t forgive themselves, it deepens shame and guilt, and becomes a breeding ground for pathological self-blame. These same people often over apologize because they see themselves as the defective ones due to this global belief they have adopted. These same people often feel that when they receive an apology from another person that they are undeserving of said apology. 

So, how does one move away from these unhealthy patterns, well it begins moving away from obsessive rumination and self-incrimination about any situation that has promoted the transgression.  It means cultivating empathy for oneself, which will ignite love for oneself. Through self-forgiveness there is psychological and, perhaps even more profoundly, spiritual growth that occurs. 

Here are some ideas on how to cultivate love for yourself:

1) Observation: Identify what you are doing and/or any judgments you are having about yourself for doing that. 

 2) Feeling: Ask yourself, "What am I feeling?"

 3) Need: Connect that feeling to a need/value/what's important to you,  and ask yourself, "What need is not met?" .

 4) Give yourself a moment or two to "sit with" or "feel into" the quality of that need and how important it (e.g. balance) is to you. 

 5) Request: After "sitting with" that need for balance, do you have any request of yourself or someone else? 

This process will help you direct your attention away from the head (where the negative thinking resides), toward your heart (where the feelings reside), and into the belly (where the precious needs reside). In this way, self-empathy is another tool for helping you get out of your head and into your heart and body. 

Yogic Breathing Exercise for Anxiety and Depression

According to research 80% of the time Anxiety and Depression are co-occuring, and can impact the functioning of the person that is experiencing the symptoms that coincide with those diagnosis. Cause the person to have a lack of motivation and as if your mind keeps going in these negative thought loops. Yoga can be a way of balancing your body and mind, so the state of the mind is calm and clear and the body feels more energy. 

Here is a simple yogic breathing exercise to practice at home: Come into a standing position, your feet parallel and one fist’s width apart for stability. Draw your tailbone down. Lift your shoulders up to your ears, inhale to 2/3rds capacity and hold in the breath for 3 counts and then exhale. Make fists of your hands, tighten the muscles of your face, and hold your breath for 3 counts and then exhale. Now stretch your arms out in front of you. Inhale and make fists of your hands. Exhale and relax. Close your eyes and feel the effects of the breathing exercise.

Confusion and Anxiety, Which Came First?

Some emotions are positively correlated while others are negatively correlated. So on a graph they could look like these graphs below. For example a positive relationship would be the homework you have the more stress, which would be a positive relationship, and the more sleep you have less tired you will be is a negative relationship. 

I share that with you because at times it seems like emotions are these things that we can't measure or hold onto. When in fact, recording and graphing them can help you build awareness and potentially insight into what changes can be made to suite your growth and wellness. 

Today, I want to focus on confusion, and why it can often turn into anxiety. In my experience things come up in life and I often find myself asking how did this happen, and i feel so confused on how I feel and what to do. The more I follow this loop I find myself growing increasing anxious.  There have also been times where anxiety comes first, and I feel worried or concerns about what to do, so I come up with a bunch of different solutions and then I feel confused on what is the best step to take. So, these two states feed off of one another and despairing which came first is about as unclear as the Chicken or the Egg debate. 

Here are some ideas on how to manage these feelings: 

• Take deep breaths. Inhale and exhale slowly. 

• Count to 10 slowly. Repeat, and count to 20 if necessary. 

• Do your best. Instead of expecting yourself to be perfect remember to just do the best you can. 

• Accept that you cannot control everything. Put your stress in perspective: Is it really as bad as you think?

• Talk to someone. Tell friends and family you’re feeling overwhelmed, and let them know how they can help you. Talk to a therapist for professional help.

• Evaluate what assumptions you're making. Is this really as serious as I am making it to be. 

• Stay in the Moment. The more mindful you can be, the more in touch with the reality of any situation you'll be. 

3 Mindfulness Exercises to Use at Home

1. The Walnut Exercise

In this exercise, which is great for beginners, that you can practice at home. Ask yourself these few questions by describing and observing these things:

• The way the walnut looks

• How it feels

• How their skin responds to its manipulation

• Its smell

• Its taste

Focusing on the single object of the walnut is meant to bring the your mind to the present, to what is right in front of you.

2. Shower Exercise

In this exercise, prepare a shower, and rather than jumping in and doing your typical routine stop and think.

- Instead of asking your hair first, wash your face instead or instead of shaving last, shave first

Notice how that feels, what the water and soap feel and smell like, can you taste anything, notice was the water and soap looks like on your body and in the shower. 

3. Five Senses Exercise

All that is needed is to notice something you are experiencing with each of the five senses.

Follow this order of the practice

• Notice five things that you can see.

Look around you and bring your attention to five things that you can see. Pick something that you don’t normally notice, like a shadow or a small crack in the concrete.

• Notice four things that you can feel.

Bring awareness to four things that you are currently feeling, like the texture of your pants, the feeling of the breeze on your skin, or the smooth surface of a table you are resting your hands on.

• Notice three things you can hear.

Take a moment to listen, and note three things that you hear in the background. This can be the chirp of a bird, the hum of the refrigerator, or the faint sounds of traffic from a nearby road.

• Notice two things you can smell.

Bring your awareness to smells that you usually filter out, whether they’re pleasant or unpleasant. Perhaps the breeze is carrying a whiff of pine trees if you’re outside, or the smell of a fast food restaurant across the street.

• Notice one thing you can taste.

Focus on one thing that you can taste right now, in this moment. You can take a sip of a drink, chew a piece of gum, eat something, or just notice the current taste in your mouth or open your mouth to search the air for a taste.

After you've practiced these journal or meditate afterwards and see if you go through out your day with more awareness.