Episode 10: Redefining Motherhood And All It's Imperfections

December 16, 2024 Stephanie Konter-O'Hara

It is from my own experiences and professional insights, that I know the importance of embracing imperfection, fostering vulnerability, and building supportive communities for moms. I'm providing an inside look at my upcoming eight-week therapeutic group and guide you through empowering exercise on practicing vulnerability - pulled straight from the workbook.

I share about embracing imperfection with life’s unpolished moments and the power of showing up authentically. As well as, the journey of redefining how motherhood reshapes your identity and why each experience—first child or fourth—is unique.

Whether you’re a first-time mom or a seasoned parent, this episode reminds us that each stage of motherhood redefines who we are—and that it’s okay to hold both joy and struggle.

Workbook Sneak Peek: I'm sharing a glimpse into the 22-page workbook designed to support moms through their transition. Including a guided exercise around “Five Ways to Practice Vulnerability,” that includes:

Expressing your feelings honestly.
Asking for help and breaking free from self-sufficiency.
Sharing your personal story to foster connection.
Giving and receiving feedback with patience and flexibility.
Practicing empathy to build understanding and community.

"You can be grateful for the experience of becoming a mom and still feel exhausted, overwhelmed, or unsure—it’s okay to hold both." - Stephanie Konter - O'Hara

Therapeutic Group Details:

Start Date: January 21, 2025
Format: Eight weeks of virtually guided sessions combining education, experiential exercises, and community.
Who It’s For: Open to all moms—first-time, seasoned, and everyone in between. (Participants must live in Colorado to fall within my therapy practices regulations).

How to Join the Group:

Cost: $100 per session
Contact: Reach out via email or call Well Minded Counseling to schedule a consultation.

Stephanie’s reflections on motherhood, community, and vulnerability offer encouragement and actionable insights for parents at any stage of their journey.

Subscribe & Review:

If this episode resonated with you, we’d love it if you could leave a review and share it with others! Your support helps us grow and reach more listeners.

Episode 9: Breaking Myths About Domestic Violence and Finding Support with Sybil Cummin

December 4, 2024 Stephanie Konter-O'Hara

In this episode, we dive into the challenging realities of navigating narcissistic abuse, coercive control and domestic violence, particularly within the family court system, and how important it is that survivors of these situations find a like-minded community to heal within. Our guest, Sybil Cummin, MA, LPC, ACS, shares her journey into this field, explaining how her work as a play therapist with children revealed systemic issues that fail to protect families. We discuss the impact of coercive control on mental health, the misperceptions surrounding abuse like how abuse doesn't discriminate whether you have a good education and wealth, and the devastating effects on protective parents—predominantly mothers—who are often dismissed or vilified.

The conversation highlights the importance of understanding abuse in all the ways it shows up (it's not just overt) beyond physical violence, addressing the role of community in healing, and offering support to survivors as they navigate the complexities of safety, trauma recovery, and rebuilding their lives. Most importantly, we explore strategies to help survivors develop trust, autonomy, and resilience in systems that frequently fall short of providing protection or justice.

What You’ll Learn in This Episode:

The pervasive myths about domestic violence and the reality of coercive control.
How systemic biases in family court harm protective parents and children.
The importance of community and connection in the healing process.
Strategies for survivors to rebuild their trust and sense of self.
The delicate balance of sharing one’s story without shame or comparison.

Resources Mentioned:
https://www.risingbeyondpc.com
https:// instagram.com/risingbeyondpc
https://www.risingbeyondpc.com/podcasts
Sybil's Canned Responses Freebie: https://mailchi.mp/risingbeyondpc/freebie

09:09:59 Okay. Sounds good.
09:10:03 Okay, I guess it's recording already. Okay.
09:10:08 Well back to redefining us. I'm your host, Stephanie. Contra license professional. And today I have with me Sybil Cummins, who specializes in working with survivors.
09:10:20 And their children from narcissistic abuse. So thank you so much for joining us. And yeah, welcome.
09:10:28 Yeah, thank you so much for having me.
09:10:31 Yeah. So let's just like dive in what kind of inspires you to do this work. And why are you.
09:10:38 So passionate about continuing, working with population.
09:10:42 Yeah. So I started from a different way than a lot of the advocates and therapists that work in this field of narcissistic abuse and domestic violence, and that I'm not a survivor of.
09:10:56 And so I started at it from working with the kids.
09:11:00 And I would see these family dynamics, and they were always deemed like.
09:11:06 Air quotes high conflict, divorce, families.
09:11:10 And what I really saw was these were actually abusive.
09:11:14 There's there's abuse in these families.
09:11:17 And there was a very specific.
09:11:20 Type of abuse. One of the partners would have traits of narcissism.
09:11:25 And so the reason I became passionate about it is.
09:11:30 That I was noticing specifically that our family court system was not.
09:11:34 Like keeping kids safe. And they didn't actually seem to care that they're not keeping kids safe, and that.
09:11:40 Is ridiculous, right? Like I couldn't. I didn't understand it. I couldn't understand that. And so.
09:11:47 I, if I don't understand something, I just dive in.
09:11:49 Like. I just go, you know, down the rabbit hole, trying to figure things out.
09:11:55 And so I really.
09:11:57 Saw the dynamics within our larger systems that were happening. How protective parents and I work mostly with moms. I do work with some.
09:12:07 Males in in our practice, but.
09:12:10 In a community that I run. It's specifically for women.
09:12:14 And I just could not.
09:12:15 Wrap my head around. How horrible these protective moms are treated.
09:12:20 And so, in order to help the kiddos, I also need to help.
09:12:25 The protective parents in these situations. And so that's really how I got involved is.
09:12:31 To help families be safe in a system where.
09:12:35 They're not gonna get the support that they need.
09:12:40 And I imagine it's really.
09:12:42 Both devastating and raging.
09:12:45 When you consider that the court system doesn't do a lot to protect.
09:12:50 The the families in these cases.
09:12:53 Yeah. And there's this belief, right? That, okay, I'm gonna leave this relationship. And it's all gonna be better.
09:12:59 And I'm going to be safer. And there are these people in place to help me and my child.
09:13:06 And a lot of the people that are put in place to do that. That's actually not their role.
09:13:12 That's supposed to be their role. And that's not what happens.
09:13:17 Gotcha, so.
09:13:19 It's almost like this false sense of security that a lot of maybe women.
09:13:25 Enter into when they decide to leave the relationship, and it turns out that it's.
09:13:29 Maybe just more of the same. It sounds like.
09:13:31 Yeah, it's like the abuse looks different, because maybe their partner doesn't have access to them in the home. Maybe they've left.
09:13:42 But they will use these other methods and other.
09:13:46 Ways in the system to continue to abuse. And what's sad is so many of the.
09:13:51 Women and men that I've worked with actually don't even know that they are being abused.
09:13:58 Because the belief that is out there, the myths that are out there is that domestic violence and abuse is like hitting.
09:14:05 Or, you know, throwing things, or choking, or.
09:14:10 Though, like that is domestic violence, and that's actually not.
09:14:15 All of domestic violence, and so they don't even understand a lot of times that they are being abused because it is the more coercive.
09:14:24 Type behaviors that.
09:14:26 That are happening.
09:14:28 Yeah, I know a lot of times in my practice when I'm giving supervision to other clients or not. Other clients, otheries who work with more of this population.
09:14:48 Yeah.
09:14:39 Even just identifying that they're being abused can be really shocking to the client that you're working with. It's like, what do you mean? No, they're not hitting me or no, they're not doing this, but.
09:14:51 Yeah, if they're controlling your money, controlling the way that you parenting where, when you leave the house, or you know, have an opinion about literally everything that you do, and try to convince you to do.
09:15:03 Something different, or to do it the way that they want to do it.
09:15:08 Yeah. Yeah. And like, isolation is probably one of the most common and.
09:15:14 Tactics of an abuser, and so.
09:15:17 Yeah, there.
09:15:19 They don't understand. They've been abused because it doesn't fit the stereotype of abuse, and they don't fit the stereotype.
09:15:26 Of a victim right there. And this is geographic.
09:15:32 Differences. But here in Colorado.
09:15:34 I would say, the stereotypical victim of domestic violence is.
09:15:42 Low income, low education, woman.
09:15:45 You know many children.
09:15:48 Blue collar. Husband comes home, he drinks a beer, and he beats her.
09:15:53 And that is not even remotely close like, can that happen? Yes, sure. But that's not what it looks like. It doesn't.
09:16:02 Unfortunately narcissistic abuse domestic funds. They don't discriminate.
09:16:05 So it doesn't matter how much money you earn. You have where you live.
09:16:12 If you have children, or don't have children.
09:16:16 It is possible.
09:16:18 Yeah, yeah, I think that's really important for people to be aware of is that it could happen at any socioeconomic status or any demographic it's doesn't look just one way.
09:16:31 Yeah, yeah. And so when they 1st a lot of times get that.
09:16:35 Like understanding, or it's it's like written on paper, or a therapist suggests it, or something like that. It is.
09:16:42 Shocking! It's.
09:16:44 A lot of them don't want to believe that because it they have right. They have these ideas about what that means about them.
09:16:51 And it actually means nothing about you. It means that you chose someone who chose to abuse you.
09:16:56 That's what it. That's what it means.
09:16:58 And so you know, taking away some of that shame, and that.
09:17:04 Guilt and the false responsibility that they've put on you.
09:17:10 Is.
09:17:11 You know 1 1 of the steps of kind of moving through that.
09:17:15 Yeah, I imagine for the over responsible woman, it's very easy to put.
09:17:22 All of the blame on themselves. And also now, especially if there's children involved like, there's maybe even a greater level of like responsibility that they.
09:17:31 May find themselves feeling.
09:17:34 Yeah. Compelled to take on.
09:17:37 Yeah, absolutely. And then they've been told that it's all their fault in different ways, either through gas lighting or overt, you know, behaviors or statements. And so over time, you start to believe it.
09:17:51 If you do have a history in your family of origin, and it doesn't have to be abuse in your family of origin. But there's a history of.
09:17:59 Kind of people pleasing to stay safe, taking ownership of things that are not yours.
09:18:04 You're more likely to.
09:18:07 Accept that responsibility for it.
09:18:10 And then, yeah, when you have.
09:18:11 Kiddos. All you want to do is you want to keep them safe?
09:18:15 And and take care of them, and you're put in a position where they're not safe.
09:18:22 Yeah, yeah.
09:18:23 So I know you do a lot of work with the survivors, both like in the court system as well as like in therapy office.
09:18:32 I'm curious like, does your work primarily just.
09:18:37 Focus on identification and like ways to stay safe. Or what other things are you working on with these people?
09:18:44 Yeah. So there's just a constant of safety throughout the whole process, because.
09:18:50 Unfortunately.
09:18:52 Harm can come like physical harm can come.
09:18:56 At any time, and I don't ever say that to scare people
09:19:00 And it's just something to be really aware of that they may have never been physical with you before, and it can happen.
09:19:08 So. Yes, I work with, you know, on that safety piece, and keeping people safe.
09:19:13 And the more fun part of my job.
09:19:18 Is working with survivors to.
09:19:23 Kind of learn how to work in that world, because there is. If you share children with your abuser.
09:19:29 You 9 times out of 10 are gonna have to have contact with them.
09:19:32 And so how do you kind of live with that and keep that contact.
09:19:37 And stay healthy and mentally healthy.
09:19:40 At the same time, that's that's really difficult. So it is. It's like that healing from the trauma, relearning how to trust yourself, relearning how to connect with other people, especially if there's that isolation.
09:19:53 You have no trust in your trust, detector, because you trusted this person who said they were your soul mate.
09:20:01 Right, and you've truly believed it.
09:20:04 You. You did believe it, and you love this person. You loved this person, and to learn that that was a scam.
09:20:12 And they didn't ever feel the same way.
09:20:17 That's really hard. So you feel like your person detector is completely messed up.
09:20:24 And so it really is like learning how to yourself again, learning how to.
09:20:29 Figure out who you are again, because something that's.
09:20:33 Stripped away from you is your sense of self and your autonomy.
09:20:36 And so those are the much more fun things to work on than safety and family court. But we do them in tandem because you.
09:20:46 You can't really do one without the other.
09:20:51 Yeah, it? I.
09:20:54 I'm kind of getting the sense that even if someone's like in the midst of.
09:20:59 The trauma. It might be harder to work on that, but hopefully, when things stabilize even
09:21:06 Small percentage, some of the empowerment redefining who they are outside of the relationship.
09:21:12 How they can reconnect with their community is still important to be doing like at the same time.
09:21:18 Yeah. And what I've really seen, this is why I started. The rising beyond community is.
09:21:24 That, you know, in my practice, my therapy practice, I would have really similar cases, and the cases in which.
09:21:31 The person. The survivor had a pretty strong, healthy support system.
09:21:37 Versus the person who had almost identical case.
09:21:43 Abuse.
09:21:46 The ones that do not have.
09:21:48 Safe people in their world. They don't have a support network. The length of time it takes them to heal is astronomically longer.
09:21:57 And so like years longer. And so I was seeing this over and over again, and so that importance of healing within connection with others. Healing in a community was so apparent.
09:22:13 Because it was like, well, what's you know? Like what's wrong with this person? They're not healing, is it me as a therapist? Is it them? And no.
09:22:20 It's none of the above. It was.
09:22:23 The lack of connections with others.
09:22:26 And so that that piece of it is really important. And for survivors that is the scariest thing to do.
09:22:33 Is to connect with others.
09:22:35 Well, yeah, it takes a certain level of vulnerability, I imagine.
09:22:40 Again. Going back to that trust piece like being betrayed. Trying to open themselves up again to a community is probably very scary.
09:22:49 Yeah, absolutely. And my, most of the time they've tried to reach out to people.
09:22:55 And the.
09:22:57 Responses have been harmful. And so they've tried to maybe share with a friend about like the crazy making stuff.
09:23:05 That's been going on in their relationship.
09:23:08 And the response is, Wow! I can't even believe that he's always been so nice.
09:23:15 Yeah, so it's like, dismissive.
09:23:15 So so the response is like, No, actually, you're still the crazy one. Nope, we we don't believe you. And so there's a sense of.
09:23:24 I can't reach out to anybody, because I won't be believed.
09:23:27 Like law enforcement.
09:23:30 Doesn't believe if there is not a bruise on you.
09:23:34 There's not a scratch.
09:23:36 Law. Enforcement's not really that helpful, and doesn't believe in family court, he said. She said. They believe that it's always.
09:23:43 2 party conflict when it's not.
09:23:46 And so, yeah, that is so scary to.
09:23:49 To trust someone with your story.
09:23:51 And know that they will hold it, and they will believe you.
09:23:56 And they're not gonna shame you for what you've been through. That's really scary.
09:24:01 Yeah.
09:24:02 Well, narcissists or people who have narcissistic traits tend to be really good at masking and.
09:24:08 Oh, yeah.
09:24:09 Having a lot of charisma, and being one way.
09:24:12 In front of others in another way, behind closed doors.
09:24:18 Yep, yeah. And so it is. It's it is crazy because everyone around them sees.
09:24:23 You know the Disney, like the amazing.
09:24:26 You know, caring dad or partner.
09:24:32 And it's, you know, all done.
09:24:37 On purpose like it's willful, which is super gross to think about that. All the things that they've done is not because of.
09:24:43 Childhood trauma like. There's an element of that. But it's not the reason. It's not because they're.
09:24:49 An alcoholic. It's not these reasons. It is willful. It is done on purpose to get their needs met.
09:24:57 Yeah, it's interesting that you mentioned the community aspect. I feel like that's been a golden thread of a lot of the.
09:25:04 Things that I've been talking to people about, and the need for connection and the need for community.
09:25:14 Yeah.
09:25:10 And how healing that can be to be surrounded by other people who understand what you're going through, and are maybe in either places than you, or maybe just a little bit further along, and like learning from them, and how they can learn from you, and that like mutual.
09:25:29 Benefit that can come from being connected to others.
09:25:33 Yeah. And if you've been told that you have no worth.
09:25:37 And then you're able to help someone in a similar situation.
09:25:44 You can gain some of that right, you can see like, Oh, my gosh! That is not true. I am worth.
09:25:50 Something, and so, and rebuilding that self worth and that sense of self. It takes a long time, and so.
09:25:56 You know it's not this magic. Oh, I did this, and now I know I'm amazing, and I know that I have all this worth.
09:26:03 But it can be so helpful, and to have, I think, one of the other reasons that community is so important for this population specifically, but.
09:26:11 Almost all populations right where there's some sort of harm or hurt. Is that the person that was around you before is only mirroring back to you how much you suck.
09:26:23 Like nothing good about yourself.
09:26:26 And so then you're around these other people who are mirroring back your amazing qualities so that you can see them.
09:26:33 Because you can't see them like there's that phrase like.
09:26:36 You can't see the label when you're inside the bottle, or something of that nature.
09:26:40 And so, having these other people mirror these things back to you so you can see. Oh, wow!
09:26:44 Like. I am a good person, I have worth. I am smart, I am kind. I am empathic. All of those things. When you see.
09:26:55 Yourself through the eyes of someone else.
09:26:57 It can be really healing.
09:27:01 Yeah. And just this understanding that it's okay to have the emotions that you do, because I imagine there's a lot of emotions that are probably had in these like circles of women or this community of women, and rather than getting that feedback from maybe people who don't understand.
09:27:18 Or potentially, we've only seen one side of their partner to be like, Oh, I felt the same way with my partner, or, yeah, like, get where you're coming from. And it changes that script of like you're the crazy one to like, know? Like, this is like what's happening and make it mo feel more.
09:27:36 Yeah.
09:27:37 Yeah, like, like less crazy making and more
09:27:42 They're like truthful and.
09:27:43 I don't know what the word that I'm looking for. But yeah, kind of like.
09:27:46 When it. Yeah, it gives you the sense of.
09:27:50 Piece that you aren't the only one.
09:27:54 Right, so it it removes some of that shame.
09:27:58 That there's something wrong with you that you're crazy. And then it's interesting. When I do, you know.
09:28:04 Like live events, or, you know, support groupy type stuff.
09:28:09 And someone's talking, and every head is nodding.
09:28:13 Right, and it's like, yep. I felt that I've experienced that it is. It's so validating to.
09:28:22 No, you know, it's like, Okay, I am not crazy. This is what they do.
09:28:28 There's actually a way out of this right? It gives people hope.
09:28:33 Yeah.
09:28:34 I I will say, as long as the people around you set up a specific way, and there's like a safe container. Because sometimes you can.
09:28:41 Get around other people where it's you're only sharing the horror stories.
09:28:47 Umhm.
09:28:47 Which at times can be really helpful to hear. Hey, you're not crazy, and it can also bring you into this kind of pit of despair.
09:28:56 Too, if there's if it's only the horror stories.
09:29:10 Oh yes!
09:28:59 That, and I think another danger that sometimes would be important for people to be aware of is like comparing one person's story to your own like. Oh, my story is not as bad, or, Oh, my God! My story is so much worse, like I'm so sick, or this situation was so traumatic? Or, yeah, this like.
09:29:18 Spectrum of people who show up in communities. They can.
09:29:24 Have potentially this pitfall of comparing their story to others, and so.
09:29:29 I think that's also the importance of having, like a safe container, to explore these things in.
09:29:35 Yeah, yeah. And I, 100% agree. Cause, if you have a group of.
09:29:40 You know, 10 survivors who some have had physical abuse and sexual abuse. Some have children, some don't have children right. All of their differences.
09:29:49 And so it's like, Oh, well, my story's not as bad, because I don't have children with this person.
09:29:55 My story's not as bad, because I was not physically assaulted.
09:29:58 My story is not as bad because I have a job.
09:30:01 And I can take care of myself while they have no money, and their ex all the money.
09:30:09 So those are all different challenges that.
09:30:13 People have and have to work around, but there isn't a worse than.
09:30:17 Right. There's no like trauma is.
09:30:20 So relative, and.
09:30:23 Honestly, from what I hear over the last decade, plus from this population.
09:30:28 Is so many women, and this is even could can be harmful to women who have been physically assaulted. I wish I was hit.
09:30:37 Because then people could see it.
09:30:40 People could see a bruise and say, Yes, she's been abused.
09:30:44 But even seeing something like that to someone who has been.
09:30:48 You know, beaten.
09:30:50 Well, that doesn't feel good either. And so it is. It's it's kind of delicate when people are comparing, and I think some of it's human nature to do that comparison.
09:31:01 And if you've been an abusive relationship, you have been trained to discount your experience.
09:31:06 And to minimize what you've gone through.
09:31:09 Yeah.
09:31:08 So you're more likely to do that.
09:31:11 Because that's how you've been trained over the however long you are with your partner.
09:31:17 Yeah, I think even in maybe relationships that don't necessarily have narcissistic abuse. But just.
09:31:24 So 2 people together like don't work out. It's almost like.
09:31:34 Yeah.
09:31:29 I have had clients like. I wish I had a reason that I could tell people of why we're getting divorced or why we're breaking up. But it's just not working because of XY, and z.
09:31:40 And so it's like people I think need or seek out some sort of like dramatic event, or some specific like details, to share to others to justify, like, why they need to end a relationship.
09:31:52 But I think it's important for all listeners to hear like you can end and start any relationship.
09:31:59 Just because you want to. You don't have to have, like a long list of evidence to explain to other people, to your life.
09:32:06 Your feelings, your relationship.
09:32:07 Like, why do you have to explain it to other people?
09:32:11 Yeah, and that it's not their privilege all the time to know.
09:32:20 Yeah.
09:32:18 Right like, and so it can be hard when your partner is going to.
09:32:23 You know, create the narrative.
09:32:25 To make you look bad, and I think that happens.
09:32:29 Well, it always happens when there's abuse.
09:32:31 But even in other relationships, because people don't want to be the bad one, even though in a lot of relationships there's not a bad anyone. It just doesn't. It's just not working.
09:32:43 But we're so polarized like good, bad.
09:32:47 You know. There we're as a culture and not comfortable in the gray.
09:32:53 Yep.
09:32:52 And there's Oh, my gosh! There's so much gray.
09:32:56 Yeah, I imagine that feeds into the court system in the way that they judge things of like, oh, this is the bad party, or this is the good party, or neither party's wrong. It's both people's faults like you you mentioned. It's like, well, you know. Maybe it's both, and rather than.
09:33:15 Like yes or no.
09:33:17 Yeah, and that it's, you know, in family court. Specifically, they typically get a snapshot.
09:33:22 Right. You don't have weeks to share your story, and.
09:33:27 Unfortunately, survivors. If you're listening, you are in family court, you are gonna wanna word vomit and share the context.
09:33:36 Of the whole thing, and unfortunately it doesn't work in a family court setting. And so it is important to.
09:33:41 Support on how to share your story in a different way. Which? That's a whole nother podcast episode.
09:33:51 But it is. It's like.
09:33:52 They don't have the time to pay attention. They have their biases like, unfortunately, their biases and lack of education in family court professionals.
09:34:02 And so very it very often. It's like.
09:34:06 Actually recently. And this isn't like a.
09:34:08 Singular event, but literally just recently said, jerks can be parents too.
09:34:15 2, the protective parent where there's been.
09:34:18 Like physical abuse. There's been gross stuff right? Like that. Anyone you would think outside watching like. That's a red flag that's a concern. Maybe we should look at that. Nope.
09:34:30 Jerks can be parents, 2, 50.
09:34:34 Right. So it's like.
09:34:37 So you're.
09:34:39 Validated outside of, you know, in these larger systems a lot of times, and so.
09:34:44 It can be really hard. And then you want to share your story because you're like, no.
09:34:48 The judge thinks I'm a bad person, too, that I'm high conflict, too, that I'm the problem.
09:34:55 And you know.
09:34:56 You have to.
09:34:56 Yeah, I think that goes back to the core system needing to have like very specific evidence. Like, I.
09:35:07 I don't know. I don't want to get into bunch of.
09:35:10 Side stories here in tangents, but I do think anytime that I've had a client who's dealt with the court. It almost needs to be like.
09:35:18 So solid of an evidence.
09:35:21 Are so very like specific pieces of information that indicate, like.
09:35:26 Things need to go one way or another, and.
09:35:28 Maybe they have, like part of the evidence, or a little bit of what the court's looking for. But unless it's like outstanding.
09:35:39 Discrete, like information that the court is looking for.
09:35:43 It doesn't go the way that the person wants it to because of.
09:35:48 Yeah, yeah, and sometimes.
09:35:52 The judge's hands are tied, or your attorneys are tied.
09:35:55 Because it doesn't fit the legal.
09:35:59 Hmm.
09:36:00 Requirements for something different.
09:36:02 Yeah, that's what I think I was looking for. Thank you.
09:36:06 Thanks.
09:36:04 And so, yeah, so like.
09:36:07 Would a judge want their children to go home with your ex? No, they don't, but they don't have anything to stand on legally. And then there are some judges that literally suck and are completely biased, and make horrible decisions.
09:36:22 And so it is. It's like, so as we're, you know, going back to that thought of like community, it's so important when you are going through something so hard.
09:36:31 And the Marathon of leaving a narcissistic partner.
09:36:36 You need that support. You need that community. You need people in your world.
09:36:40 To help you. Sometimes you need to just vent.
09:36:44 And that needing a place for that. Sometimes you need logistical support like childcare.
09:36:49 Or you know.
09:36:51 Like referrals to good attorneys, or you know things like that. So.
09:36:58 That.
09:36:59 That community piece is is really helpful and is important and.
09:37:04 It can be, you know, a created community like mine, but it can be the people in your world.
09:37:09 If you have family and friends, it can be them. It can be your therapist. It can be your attorney. But don't use your attorney as your therapist. They that's really expensive, Fyi, and they're not good at it. So like. Don't do that.
09:37:23 Yes, they're not trained in that regard.
09:37:29 Hmm.
09:37:27 No, and it happens all the time. It happens all the time, because it's someone who's listening to you.
09:37:32 And if you feel like you've never been heard.
09:37:36 Like, amazing.
09:37:38 Have someone hear you.
09:37:41 Yeah, but sharing what you need to share with the.
09:37:44 People who actually are trained, or have the mental space and have the time to do that, I think, is really important, too.
09:37:52 Yes, yep. And knowing people's role.
09:37:55 Right. A therapist role is really different than the attorney's role is different than your mom's role.
09:38:00 This different. You know there's there's so many.
09:38:04 You know, different ways to look at people. And then the other thing is, you don't have to share like we're talking about before, even if you.
09:38:10 There is no abuse in your relationship, but you're just done with that relationship.
09:38:14 You do not have to share a hundred percent of your story with everybody, they don't maybe have that privilege or deserve it. And so we had. I have a client actually, who is like, you know, these people got the 50 version. These people get the 80% version you and one other person get the 100% version.
09:38:33 Because you understand the nuances or the details, and I won't. You're not judging.
09:38:39 Right. And so you get to choose.
09:38:42 How much of your story you want to share.
09:38:45 And I think that also gives.
09:38:47 Like just that dialogue in general gives the person that you're.
09:38:53 Working with potentially some more.
09:38:56 What's a good word like.
09:38:59 Trust in themselves because they can identify what's important to share with who. And they're like reestablishing like internal boundaries by doing that rather than.
09:39:11 Feeling like they don't have any control over the narrative or any control over where their life is going. They can at least have that more internal boundary, and hopefully that feels grounding.
09:39:24 Yeah.
09:39:23 To people, situation.
09:39:25 Yeah and sharing. There's something so amazing about sharing your shame stories, and I ha!
09:39:33 Like some of Renee Brown's stuff. I don't like some of the stuff, but that one piece of sharing your shame stories.
09:39:41 Is so healing.
09:39:43 And so when you can find again, you're not sharing like with the mom, you're waiting outside of school to pick your kid up, and there's like random, Mom, you've seen a couple of times. Nope.
09:39:54 That's not the person right away to word. Vomit your whole story. You're dipping your toe in the water and seeing their responses.
09:40:02 So you can judge like. Do I trust this? Do I not trust this? How much can I share.
09:40:09 With this person, and even just sharing your stories that carry some shame, will help you release some of that shame.
09:40:20 Yeah.
09:40:20 But I I do like the idea that you just mentioned of like, maybe this is Bernie's idea, so I don't know who to give credit to, but to like pay attention, to like how someone is responding.
09:40:31 To what you're saying before. You just kind of say everything.
09:40:36 Because.
09:40:38 Yeah, you don't want to walk away from a conversation being like, why did I say that like, I don't trust this person.
09:40:45 And now their reaction has influenced another domino effect of emotions that are like arising in me.
09:40:52 Yeah, it's it's protecting yourself, and, like you were saying, is redeveloping that sense of your boundaries and your internal.
09:41:01 Feelings of safety, and so.
09:41:04 That that dipping the toe in the water is.
09:41:07 So helpful.
09:41:08 Because then, if somebody does respond with one of those horrible things like Gosh! If that happened to me, I would have left the 1st time.
09:41:17 Yeah, it's not helpful to hear.
09:41:18 Right then it's like, Thank you. Have a nice day. It's so nice and warm and sunny today, and those are your conversations about the weather. It's not about anything deep. You know that that person is not going to be your person.
09:41:30 And so it gives you just a little indicator of.
09:41:34 Okay, they they don't actually get any of my story.
09:41:37 We're talking about the weather. But then this person seemed really curious, and.
09:41:42 Thoughtful, and didn't say something horrible.
09:41:45 So the next time I I will continue, and just see where this can go.
09:41:53 Yeah.
09:41:53 Yeah, I think redeveloping that internal trust is really important, because I would imagine someone that's also coming out of this position. Who's or anybody who's experienced trauma might find that their compass is off, and so they keep checking in with other people and like what to do and how to do it, and then they get, maybe, like 10 different stories of how to resolve their issue, and then.
09:42:18 Like overwhelmed.
09:42:20 By that information, and then are even more paralyzed of like how to make a choice of how to proceed. But if you.
09:42:30 Know that you can trust like one or 2 people, or maybe 3 or 4, and only get feedback from those people you could then, like, discern like, okay, based on this feedback and based on my own opinions, like, I can make this decision and again, further develop that like inner trust, I imagine, as part of the process, that a lot of these women go through.
09:42:50 Yeah, and something I I love to be able to share with the survivors I work with is you.
09:42:58 No better than anyone else.
09:43:01 About how to help your kids.
09:43:04 About what your ex partner is gonna do about how to stay safe. It sounds backwards all the time when I'm talking to like professionals about it. And I'm like.
09:43:12 This victim of domestic violence actually knows.
09:43:15 Better than you how they can stay safe.
09:43:18 They're like, wait, that does like doesn't feel like it makes sense.
09:43:22 But you do, you absolutely know? Because, as.
09:43:26 Unfortunately, and fortunately your nervous system has developed the frameworks and the networks to keep you safe.
09:43:35 And so you know. By the way, the you know your partner comes home. They throw the mail on the table.
09:43:41 You're nervous system already computes like a computer. This is what I need to do tonight to stay safer.
09:43:48 Like you already know. And so we, as professionals.
09:43:53 Need to tap in to survivors more than we do.
09:43:58 And I think even then, if we are.
09:44:01 Asking. You know their expertise, and what.
09:44:05 What they predict will happen.
09:44:08 They're right on.
09:44:09 Right, they are almost always right on. And so then it's okay. You know this. Now, how can I support you in our next step?
09:44:17 And so I, you know, and so often think, that they are completely worthless, incapable of all the things.
09:44:25 And yet that is like.
09:44:27 The best source of information is within.
09:44:31 Yeah.
09:44:32 Well, I hope that through the work that they do not only with you, but.
09:44:38 In the community that you have. Hopefully, all women can.
09:44:42 Get back to that place of that self trust and that self empowerment of note, of.
09:44:47 Them, knowing that they do know what's best rather than feeling like.
09:44:51 Lost and confused. And they're.
09:44:53 Journey, to to heal.
09:44:55 Yeah, yeah, it's amazing getting to see that and getting to see.
09:45:01 Them support each other, getting them. It moves from this.
09:45:04 You know, place of where a lot of people call like neediness like it's they seem to where they're just consulting right? They're not asking for advice. It's just a consult, you know. Consult of like, hey? This is what I'm thinking of doing this, what, how? I'm thinking of writing this message.
09:45:19 Okay. Good. Check.
09:45:22 To then them being like, Hey, I wrote this method right? Not needing to check in like I wrote this message like the outcome.
09:45:28 And so just getting to see that process is.
09:45:31 Awesome. And as a therapist we get to see kind of that trauma work and that process of them moving from.
09:45:37 You know their neural networks that we're talking about like growing new.
09:45:43 New pathways of of safety and confidence and boundaries, and all of those things.
09:45:49 And so yeah, getting to see that progress.
09:45:52 In both places. It's just an honor. And so amazing. So why am I passionate about doing this? Because of that?
09:45:59 That's why, cause I get to see that.
09:46:03 Yeah, that's great. Yeah. So.
09:46:06 Before we have to wrap up. I was hoping you could share with people that are listening, how they can find you and what you have going on. So if anyone is interested in working with you or being involved in your community that they can tap in.
09:46:20 Yeah. So the community is, it's known as the rising beyond community. The business is actually called rising beyond power and control. But it's called the right. If people know it as the rising beyond community. Stephanie, I'll have my website. But it's www, dot rising beyond pc.com. That's the best way to get all of the things there's free resources on there. If you are stuck and need legal, if you.
09:46:45 You are stuck and need parenting, you're stuck and need some trauma.
09:46:49 Related information. That is probably the best place to go. And then I also have a podcast it's called the Rising beyond podcast and.
09:47:01 I share kind of the nitty, gritty details of how to share messages like how to respond.
09:47:08 To your ex partner and your co-parenting app.
09:47:10 How to make sure you have a loophole. Free parenting plan.
09:47:15 And then some of the more therapeutic things. So it's definitely the logistical and therapeutic. I have some amazing guests on there as well, that are really well known in the field that share their insights as well. And then you could find me on Instagram rising beyond PC,
09:47:32 And then, if you're in Colorado and you want therapeutic services, which is different than the community based.
09:47:41 Program. I'm at our vata therapy solutionscom.
09:47:46 Well, thank you so much.
09:47:46 And I am clearly in Arvada, which is like a city in Colorado.
09:47:51 Well, thank you so much for taking time to talk with us, talk with me today, and share with our listeners what you do, and the importance of the work that you're doing. I really think.
09:48:01 That women are all around.
09:48:03 Learn from listening to themselves and trusting themselves as well as like.
09:48:09 Stepping away from toxic.
09:48:13 Protecting both themselves and their children, I think, is really important for all women.
09:48:19 Who have children, or even for themselves. So thank you again for yeah, joining us.
09:48:24 Yeah.
09:48:25 Thank you for having me, and I hope that it resonates with somebody out there.

Episode 8: Breaking the Silence on Maternal Mental Health with Cre Chritz

November 22, 2024 Stephanie Konter-O'Hara

What if finding the right support during postpartum could change everything? In this episode, we dive into the challenges many new moms face, from physical recovery to emotional well-being, and how a lack of accessible resources often leaves them feeling isolated. Together, we explore ways to prioritize maternal mental health and navigate this pivotal time with the care every mother deserves.

Creinthea (Cre) Chritz, a psychiatric nurse practitioner and master's-prepared educator, shares about her journey into mental health care, her work with mothers and women across life stages, and how her personal experiences shaped her professional path.

Cre shares her transition from teaching to nursing and her passion for addressing the unique mental health needs of women. She opens up about her own challenges with gestational diabetes, preeclampsia, and postpartum anxiety, which inspired her to found Coherent Care Women's and Maternal Wellness. Her practice, based in Denver, Colorado, also serves women in Florida and Iowa, with plans to expand further.

What You'll Learn in This Episode:

Cre's personal journey through a high-risk pregnancy and postpartum challenges.
The importance of maternal mental health care and why it's often overlooked.
How hormonal shifts during and after pregnancy impact mental health and relationships.
Strategies for prescribers to ask the right questions and foster trust with patients.
How Coherent Care offers women-centered mental health care tailored to their unique needs.
The role of community and non-pharmaceutical resources in supporting maternal mental health.
The connection between postpartum care, mental health, and intimacy in relationships.

Cre also dives into the stigma women face when seeking help for postpartum mental health concerns and emphasizes the need for open conversations, better assessments, and comprehensive care that includes everything from therapy and medication to support for intimacy and libido changes postpartum.

Key Takeaways:

Women’s mental health care must address the entirety of their experiences, from adolescence to motherhood and beyond.
Postpartum issues like anxiety, OCD behaviors, and intrusive thoughts are common and treatable—but often overlooked in assessments.
It’s vital to normalize seeking help and ensure women have access to compassionate, informed care providers.
Prescribers and therapists can work together to support women in navigating the fourth trimester and beyond.

Connect with Cre:
www.coherentcare.org
Instagram and Youtube is @coherent_care

Resources Mentioned:

Coherent Care Women's and Maternal Wellness
Postpartum Support International (Charleston Chapter)
Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale

Join us in amplifying the conversation around maternal mental health.

16:12:46 Welcome back to redefining us. This is Stephanie O'hara. I'm a license professional counselor, and here with me today I have.
16:12:55 Pre curtis.
16:12:57 Am I saying that right.
16:12:58 Great, close.
16:12:59 Okay, go ahead. Okay.
16:13:02 But I apologize. I'm already messing up your name.
16:13:04 It's okay. Listen. As as long as you got create we are good.
16:13:11 Okay, and she's a psychiatric nurse, practitioner, and a master's prepared, and she's here to talk to us about.
16:13:19 Her journey, of.
16:13:22 Working with moms as well as the importance, and of working with women as a prescriber.
16:13:29 As that's oftentimes not something that is focused on with prescribers and a woman's journey so welcome.
16:13:38 Thank you. Thank you so much for having me here. I'm excited to chat with you. You've been busy.
16:13:42 Yes. Well, I took.
16:13:43 Putting out some good content.
16:13:45 I'm so glad that we got a chance to connect in this way again.
16:13:49 Well again, as in like this way for the 1st time, but connecting again for a second time. So I'm so glad to have you on today.
16:13:56 Yes.
16:13:58 Thank you so much. Thank you. I'm excited.
16:14:01 So. Yeah, why don't you tell us a little bit about who you are who you work with? And yeah, what kind of led you to want to do this work.
16:14:12 Absolutely well,
16:14:15 As you said, my name is my full name's Corinthia. Nobody ever calls me that and my journey starts when well, I started off as a teacher, and I was really the franchise with how everything was going with the little kiddos when it comes to mental health. So I switch my career, and my grandma says I'm a glutton for punishment because I work from education to nursing.
16:14:37 But in that sense I ended up in a journey of working with Icu emergency care in patient outpatient, and I really got to get a lay of the land about mental health care in the sense of how we're prescribing for individuals, and this led me into private practice, and so on, and so forth.
16:14:58 But I feel like fast forward my true journey as opening my own practice really started when I myself.
16:15:06 Got pregnant. And I think we all, as women, have this idea about what pregnancy is gonna look like. And you know, birthing is, gonna be. You know, it's gonna be beautiful flowers, popcorn dove coming out of the air, and deer coming out and licking their faces. If we're having a water birth, and it didn't happen that way for me at all.
16:15:28 I actually ended up having I got diagnosed with gestational.
16:15:36 Hmm.
16:15:35 And I was not prepared for that. That is not something that I grew up really much about. It's not really discussed much. And there's a lot of shame and connection to that for women who get diagnosed with anything while they're pregnant. And I wanted to learn more about that. And I realized there wasn't a lot of options out there to talk about it, and I wanted to know more about it. So fast forward through my pregnant.
16:15:59 Peanuts jumps in. So I start having anxiety about what's gonna be, and.
16:16:05 Then I got diagnosed again, this time with preclampsia.
16:16:11 Hmm.
16:16:10 And so I had to have a rush induction. I labored for 3 days they broke my water.
16:16:17 Still she wouldn't come. Finally I had to be rushed in for an emergency, and in that timeframe I actually lost a lot of blood. My epidural wore off.
16:16:28 I started feeling it.
16:16:31 As they were closing me back, up.
16:16:34 And they had to put me down with even harder medications.
16:16:37 And subsequently, as you can imagine, I started postpartum off with a bang. Here, I see I'm coming out with.
16:16:46 Nothing like I expected it was gonna be, and even more so there really weren't a lot of options. So postpartum, you know, even more difficult for me, I thought, than even.
16:16:57 Pregnant, because now I have this tiny baby, and I'm scared. I know that on a previous.
16:17:03 Podcast, you had mentioned that our episode, you had mentioned that you experience that anxiety.
16:17:09 And I remember I would keep her monitor near my bed, and even when she was sleep I would check my monitor, check the monitor check the Monitor, and I could look 5 min, and I still would have to keep looking at her and adjusting the screen. Things like that. I did that all night long.
16:17:25 And it really led me into feeling like, who can I talk to about this? Luckily I had.
16:17:31 Join Postpartum International, which got me in touch with like a Charleston chapter.
16:17:36 And that's currently where I live.
16:17:38 And so I really got into learning about what are some options for women? I started off, as you know, somebody looking for resources. And then how I've become the resource which is really fun. But it didn't start out that way, and I felt like there wasn't really much for me and people like me. You were dealing with it, and there was suffering and silence, and.
16:18:01 I wanted to reach out, but I felt like.
16:18:04 For your prescriber. You know you do this for a living, so you should have all the answers, and I didn't have all the answers, and I felt like I should.
16:18:12 And so, as a result, I started putting more of a closer lens on how women are treated.
16:18:18 In the mental health field as it becomes.
16:18:21 The when they come in for being diagnosed, or addressing possible prescriptions and evaluations.
16:18:28 And really trying to do something a little bit different.
16:18:32 And that's what that's how coherent care women's and maternal wellness was rounded.
16:18:37 From a mom who is.
16:18:39 Freaking out on the C-section table and said, I've got to do something different, and women have to have more options.
16:18:47 So. I'm from Denver, Colorado. So I made sure that I open my practice there, and I also service.
16:18:56 And I service Iowa. And I'm hopefully gonna open up a few more locations. But yeah, this along for the ride. At this point I work with adolescents.
16:19:07 College bound girls.
16:19:09 Cow bearing age, pregnant postpartum.
16:19:13 Those who don't want to have kids, you know, but they're professionals. They're just handling their own business to, I mean, I hope this isn't disrespectful. But my golden girls, my like ladies who are a little bit older, too. Yeah, I I think we need to have a space, you know women ran, and I love it. That's what I also love about what you're offering, too.
16:19:33 Yeah, I think the journey of woman, no matter whether they're 10 or, you know, 45 or 65. It's like you're constantly becoming like a new version of yourself.
16:19:46 And I think the.
16:19:50 Aspects that aren't talked about in either prescriber relationship or in the even therapy relationship is like, how are those transformations like impacting you.
16:20:01 Mental health wise? Not just like, okay. Let's talk about.
16:20:04 You know you have this new baby to take care of. Then you have to make sure that they're sleeping and eating and pooping and tracking all the things like, well, who's tracking like your journey? As the mom going through the transformation.
16:20:20 Oh, 100%.
16:20:19 Like. It's not just that you have this baby to take care of. It's like, How do you take care of you at all, face. But again, we're here kind of talking more about maternal mental health like during that.
16:20:31 Timeframe, and how significant is it for.
16:20:35 Providers and prescribers to be very attuned.
16:20:38 To that timeframe.
16:20:41 And I think there is like a there's a lot of fear when a woman goes to a prescriber after she's had a child like. There's that fear of, you know. We take them in for their checkups, and they have us do the famed Edinburgh scale. Where do you want? Are you having dark thoughts. Have you thought about? You know.
16:21:00 Not being alive, you know, and you don't want to be.
16:21:04 So alarmist about what you might be going through. But then you also don't want to.
16:21:10 Near concrete over what you're actually dealing with.
16:21:14 And you know there should be a lot more women who feel that they.
16:21:19 Can have those conversations, and they're not.
16:21:20 Feeling like they're failing their loved ones or their child or themselves, when there's a heck of a lot of changes that's happening hormonally. And if you throw breastfeeding in, there's a whole different game.
16:21:35 Yeah.
16:21:36 Yeah, I think it's interesting. That idea that you alluded to a little bit around providers, maybe not asking the right questions or not suggest same things because they don't want to be alarmist, and how that creates like this barrier of people feeling like well, maybe I shouldn't mention it because they didn't ask me about it.
16:21:58 Like. Maybe it's something to be ashamed of that, only I'm experiencing. So why should I bring it up to my provider if they didn't ask me.
16:22:06 And so I think, obviously, you can't ask someone about every single thing in an appointment, but to maybe even have, like an open, ended question of like, is there anything that's going on that I didn't ask you about, that you think would be something you want to address like in this appointment?
16:22:24 I actually learned from a mentor of mine, that a good way, to address that is.
16:22:29 I really started working with the concept.
16:22:33 Tell me about.
16:22:35 XYZ. You know. So tell me about.
16:22:38 The bedtime routine after the baby's in bed.
16:22:42 Tell me what that looks like for you.
16:22:43 Because I think that would be very telling. I know a few women who, after they had a kid, it's like they're.
16:22:49 They're off the rafters like that.
16:22:51 Press. They're not sleeping. They're not eating. They're in their heads.
16:22:54 But you know, if it's oh, yeah, I'm fine.
16:22:57 But it's not, you know. And and it's okay. Because.
16:23:01 Many of us weren't. But we don't want to talk about it, because you don't want to be the only one of us want to be the only one.
16:23:08 Yeah, that anxiety.
16:23:09 Yeah, and there are lots of different options.
16:23:13 It's okay. Yeah.
16:23:14 Sorry.
16:23:14 I was gonna say, I wanted to also kind.
16:23:18 Talk about that anxiety piece. I think we talked so much about postpartum anxiety and postpartum depression. It may be not a lot just more.
16:23:26 Then we have previously. But what about the other? Like postpartum, like mental health concerns like I found myself not just having anxiety, but also this, almost like.
16:23:36 Ocd type of behavior like intrusive thoughts around like, is my baby going to be okay? Am I gonna accidentally hurt my baby like I don't wanna hurt my baby, but it what happens if I fall while I'm holding her? What happens if I slip on the ice outside like.
16:23:52 These are kind of thoughts that would.
16:23:54 You know, go around in my brain and.
16:23:56 I remember going to my doctor's office, and they did ask me whether I wanted to harm myself, and I did those like postpartum assessments. But.
16:23:53 Ahem!
16:24:04 Never did it mention anywhere? Did I fear that I would harm like my baby like.
16:24:09 No, I don't want to hurt myself, but I was afraid that I would hurt her so like, Yeah.
16:24:15 I think there just needs to potentially be more assessments that are happening in the doctor's offices.
16:24:21 In your postpartum visit, or, again, maybe you have to at least know that it's something to seek help out for.
16:24:14 Yes, I 100% agree. I think once we get past that conversation of asking them like, Do you want to hurt yourself. Do you want to? Do you see any positive connection to harming your baby? And if we can check that big, shiny red box off and go? Okay, that's not the sense that you know I'm not concerned for psychosis. Then we don't need to be really intense about okay, you know, do we.
16:24:53 Need to look at emergent situations, because I think that's the biggest thing for every mother is. I don't want my child taken away from me, and I don't want to be separated from them, and I don't want to be.
16:25:05 Deemed as unfit.
16:25:07 You know I carried this trial for however many months. I don't want to look like I'm capable.
16:25:12 And yeah, you're absolutely right. Those a lot of those postpartum disparities, as far as like Ocd, you know, I experience that, too, with like counting behaviors and checking the stairs. And you know I had my husband redo the match on there, because I was afraid I was gonna slip with her, and you had mentioned, like slipping on ice things like that. And the intrusive thoughts like to a degree. These things are normal.
16:25:35 And it's it's a protective mechanism. So it's actually good for us to have a sense of.
16:25:42 You know, concern, because this is what actually keeps the baby alive. So worrying about what could happen. As a result, we do everything that we can to make the make the quote unquote, Nestor, for the child. But if it turns into a matter of now, you can't leave the house. You're not showering. You're not eating, you know. You cannot carry on with your activities of daily living.
16:26:06 Then that's when things change the game, you know. That's where that.
16:26:10 That anxiety seeps in, and I and I know that I've worked so many different women where they're like, well, is it just like the postpartum blue, is it? Everybody has.
16:26:17 That's supposed to be a good, maybe 2 weeks, girl that's not supposed to be months and months and months.
16:26:23 And I think that women should know the difference between that. So they don't feel like there's something wrong with them, and there's nothing wrong with getting a little bit of the help, a little bit of evaluation and you know. Then there's also postpartum depression which is onset after the 2 week postpartum blues where you really feel like things just aren't changing and you're just holding them. You're not feeling that connection. Since some women have had that.
16:26:47 Association was like, you know, I'm looking at my baby, and I'm happy. They're here, and they're cute.
16:26:52 But oh, I'm stressed out and.
16:26:55 You know they're mine, but.
16:26:58 I don't see me in them, you know, and then you start really feeling like I should be feeling more connected. And if you have somebody else that's having that connection. That's even scarier. But you know, when it comes to evaluating, I think it's.
16:27:12 Important to consider like.
16:27:14 There are options like you said how we're asking the question and not going straight from 0 to 10.
16:27:20 But even making sure that they have options that may not necessarily lead to a medication.
16:27:25 It could honestly be like. We need to have a conversation and point you into the right direction, and.
16:27:31 Make sure you're going to a great therapist, you know. You're going to a community offering, and I know that you're offering that, too, like there's different places that they can go to be able to have a community.
16:27:44 You know, and of course our medications. But these don't have to be long term, and I I know from myself. You know I I come from the background where.
16:27:52 I didn't grow up with medication, being something that was talked about in the home.
16:27:56 And so resigning myself to have a conversation with somebody was who was defeating.
16:28:02 You know, and then you get to a point where you think you know this doesn't say who I am. As a mother. It just says that my hormones are getting the best of me right now, and we don't figure this out.
16:28:14 Yeah, I think it would be really interesting.
16:28:17 Like, if you're having meeting with your provider while you're pregnant, just even talking a little bit more about like, how are these hormones potentially going to impact me. I think that was like a something that now, as a someone who's been through childbirth, I would have thought like I need to explore more of, because I'm like, Wow.
16:28:38 They hit me hard, I thought being pregnant was like a hormonal coaster. Oh, no, no, not for me, at least the aftermath of.
16:28:47 Having a baby was the hormonal roller, and like.
16:28:51 I don't know being a little bit more.
16:28:53 Like ready for that, because again, I have, even as a therapist, I've heard about postpartum depression and postpartum anxiety. And I was like, oh, yeah, I know all about that. Like, it's gonna be fine. I have coping skills. I have strategies. But that's like.
16:29:11 Having coping skills and strategies. When I'm.
16:29:14 Balanced hormonally. Not when I'm you know, in the 4th trimester.
16:29:19 Still experiencing a lot of additional hormones.
16:29:22 That my body's just not used to having.
16:29:28 Yes.
16:29:27 In the trenches, falling and in the trenches.
16:29:32 Yeah, I mean, I I love that you had touched on that, too. You had mentioned about having that conversation with the prescriber for those who already have one while they're pregnant. And I do think it's important for Lumen to know, like there is a connection or a correlation between the type of child birth you had. So if you had any sort of traumas in that.
16:29:53 Hearing needle timeframe. You're more likely to have postpard on.
16:29:58 Any woman that has like physiological condition, you know, like thyroid disorder, things like that that can have you a little bit more open for being predisposed. Diabetes, a history of trauma, whether that be emotional, physical, all these have connection.
16:30:15 Hope my mom doesn't call me out for this if she listens to this. But there is also a a historical component to like, how are mothers.
16:30:24 Handle childbirth, too.
16:30:27 Mom don't get mad at me.
16:30:30 Here it is. But she ex, she told me, as I remember I explained to her like, did you ever experience this? Because most of us when we get pregnant and we're starting to stress. And we get that anxiety we reach out to who.
16:30:41 Our best friend, our sister, our moms. Whether or not we had the best relationship with them, and they covered something different, especially like a different generation like my mom didn't say she had depression. My mom didn't say she had postpartum, but what she did tell me is that she was afraid that the girls and we were little.
16:30:59 Would be stolen. And so one of my sister, she actually overfed her.
16:31:04 Because she was afraid that if she beefed her up and gave her more snacks and made her a little bit more. You know, Chunky that she would be less likely to be.
16:31:13 Stolen, and I thought, like, that's a big connection like that's an anxiety right there, but we don't call it that. And it was so. Mind blowing.
16:31:21 You know that these are connections, and these can be rooted.
16:31:24 So thank you for mentioning that that completely.
16:31:27 Opened up another can of worms.
16:31:29 Yes, yeah. And I think if you have a good prescriber, you know, like yourself, and you're able to have those conversations pre.
16:31:39 Birth like that would, I imagine, help a lot of women like going into the postpartum experience, for sure.
16:31:47 Just even being knowledgeable about that.
16:31:47 Yes, yes.
16:31:49 Yes, yes, but it also takes like you said you have to trust that relationship that you have. And the 1st prescriber you're connected with. If it's not a good fit, you are well within your rights. Say I need to seek somebody else in the office, or kind of do a little bit of a heavy lifting and find someone else. But.
16:32:05 Yeah, we're we're all that.
16:32:08 You know you push out a child, you better have good care.
16:32:13 Yeah, yeah, I think this so much acceptance, at least in America, from the woman that I've talked to that you're just gonna get.
16:32:21 Yeah.
16:32:20 Excuse my language like postpartum care.
16:32:23 Keep it. I like.
16:32:31 Yeah.
16:32:34 Yeah,
16:32:25 Like that's just like a part of the dynamic and the storyline. At least, that's what I was told like, oh, they're just gonna care about the baby after you're born, you. But you just get used like that's that's normal. And I was like.
16:32:37 This is normal, like I was just pumped in prod for 40 weeks.
16:32:44 Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
16:32:43 And then suddenly, now, I don't matter anymore, because the babies here, like that whole narrative, I think, needs.
16:32:51 Yeah, yeah, you all you now have offspring. So let's go ahead and divert to the offspring. Well, I mean, I thought that was a good that was well said, and I I wouldn't change any way that you mentioned that.
16:33:04 At all.
16:33:05 Yeah.
16:33:07 Yeah, and I don't know it. I guess I get fired up and feel like I'm standing on a platform wanting to scream to everybody like pay attention to the mom, like.
16:33:16 The mom is due.
16:33:17 Yeah, it is true.
16:33:19 Absolutely, I mean, and that, I guess, is a perfect segue to what else was important to me about what I offer at coherent care which is what happens after we have a child, what happens to our body and our hormones? And one big thing is wukidu sex.
16:33:36 And how all of that changes is the perfect segue right? Because.
16:33:39 Yes, great timing.
16:33:42 True connection between, like our hormones and how we feel, and if you know our babies are.
16:33:48 They're latched onto us. Huge release of oxytocin. And that is the same thing that's released during sexual activity. And you're getting that from your baby. You're holding them there, you know. They're touching on you. They're pulling on your breast there, you know. They're all very, you getting their skin to skin, so that contact you don't need the same as with intimacy with the partner. Your body doesn't crave that, and it kind of takes the nose dive.
16:34:12 And that can create some serious dissonance between a woman and her partner in, albeit husband, who, whomever and
16:34:20 On top of that for women period who are on a medication. There's that okay. Well, I have to give up my mental health for my sex drive or my libido. And then if you have a child, okay, well, that's gonna take them to. And you just kind of like you said, write it out, and you can't just ride that out. And I got tired of hearing that, too. So listen. We, you and I can both stand on the rooftops and shout together that we don't like.
16:34:46 Something about it, you know. I went to a compound where I could learn about different.
16:34:54 Some different prescription options for women that could be used as enhancements for sexual arousal. I don't know if this is a bad word. But you already said the so climax, orgasm.
16:35:11 Things like that, and I didn't know that women had options. I don't know about you. All I really knew about men use like a little blue pill, and that's all I thought I didn't think was really out there for us. Besides, like you go to a sex shop, and there's the jellies in the lubricant.
16:35:24 But there are other options you just have to find someone being willing to prescribe into you. And they're not harmful. They're not gonna.
16:35:32 You know, they don't have any long term connections, or even short term. It just helps with dilation, you know, in our pelvic region a little bit of warmth, and that connection of like wanting to do something is reignited even just for the moment, whether it's planned or something, or you want to be consistent, and I love the fact that there are options. And I didn't know there were options, because, believe me, if I wouldn't know.
16:35:58 Yeah.
16:35:58 Whose party would have been a lot different.
16:36:01 Yeah, that's kind of making me think of some random offhand that my one of my mom friends made. And I was like, Oh, like I'm going to talk to a pelvic floor therapist. I should probably ask her about this.
16:36:15 And she had mentioned, there's a type of like loop like well, one not to get too graphic for anyone who's listening, who's never.
16:36:24 We're there. We're on the bus.
16:36:23 Got it, baby, we're what we're already there. So you know, when you have a baby, or you begin to give a vaginal birth. But then end up having a C section. Oftentimes there's tearing that happens that then creates a little bit of a scar which then makes penetration uncomfortable.
16:36:42 Oh, yeah.
16:36:42 And you know, all the other things you've already mentioned are going on. So then it's like, Okay, well, how if you wanna have intercourse like, how do you do that without even having pain.
16:37:04 Right.
16:36:55 Right. And so my pelvic floor therapist was suggesting different things. So also any good pelvic floor therapists, you definitely probably you probably need one postpartum, regardless wh. Whether you go talk to them about sex or not. But in my case I ended up getting like
16:37:13 After talking to her, I went to my provider or my prescriber, and I end up getting like a cream that helps with like the healing of the scar tissue to allow for penetration to not be as.
16:37:23 Oh, yeah. The microtears. Yeah.
16:37:28 Yeah.
16:37:26 Yeah, uncomfortable. So I was like, what like.
16:37:31 I? Yes, I had to go to 2 providers. To figure this out would have been nice for just my.
16:37:36 Yeah.
16:37:35 My Obn person to mention it. But that's okay. It didn't happen. It eventually got there. And yeah, what
16:37:42 Yeah.
16:37:46 Wow!
16:37:43 What a saver for the public discomfort. So yeah, I definitely think.
16:37:49 Absolutely.
16:37:52 Yeah, yeah.
16:37:57 Yeah. Over time.
16:37:50 Should be aware that they exist and not just like, say, like, Oh, this is just going to be painful, or this is just what I have to deal with, because this is part of most part of experience.
16:38:00 Yeah, no, I I love that. You mentioned that, too, and I just wanted to make a quick. There, too, is like.
16:38:06 OBIN s. And people go there. They're not.
16:38:10 There. That's not their wheelhouse, you know. Wheelhouse isn't mental healthcare, and often they'll refer out for more specialist care.
16:38:18 And as women, we just kind of see them as like they're the house.
16:38:27 That's okay.
16:38:23 They are the. They are the mothership. We go there, and they know everything.
16:38:32 Yeah.
16:38:34 Yeah, I do think sometimes when people go to the doctor, and I've worked with people like this, and even myself, like.
16:38:39 We are a doctor, you should know everything there is to know. But that's just not true. So going to.
16:38:44 Very specific provider who's like, well versed in the issue that you're facing. Whether it's about postpartum or anything in life is really important.
16:38:54 Absolutely, absolutely.
16:38:56 Yeah, so I mean, I just.
16:38:58 Wanna make sure that women know that there are options out there, and they don't have to be long term. They can be short term, and it doesn't have to be definitive on whether or not you have.
16:39:10 Your breastfeeding or not. You know there are still options for those, and I know that some people, if I do that, then no, there are still options for us and our mental. We're not mentally sound.
16:39:20 You know we're not going to be able to get that that baby or that child.
16:39:25 What they deserve, you know.
16:39:29 Yeah, well, I also want to say, if I became too.
16:39:34 Like too graphic with any of my descriptions. Maybe we should put a trigger warning on top of this episode, but.
16:39:40 Disclaimer.
16:39:41 Disclaimer.
16:39:43 Listen. The it already says it on there on the info part, so you would love to open wide open.
16:39:51 I hope that both you know your story as well as the stories that I've shared, and information that we've shared here today can empower women to.
16:39:59 Ask their providers reach out for more specialized help like not be afraid to maybe say the thing that you feel guilty, or feel shame about because there are other women that are going through these things, and there is help for you. So.
16:40:15 That's just my last thing that I wanted to really put out there. But yeah, where can people find you, and how? What are their offerings. Are you having right now that you want people to know about.
16:40:26 Absolutely. Yeah, they can absolutely get in touch. You can go to my website@coherentcare.org my email is support at coherent care. Dotor.
16:40:38 I'm gonna leave some information.
16:40:42 With your practice as well. You know people want to get in touch, and I I will make a connection between a like a promo code.
16:40:52 For 30% off of comprehensive evaluations. And seasonally, I do do other.
16:40:59 Other little promo things like the fall. $50 off things like that, just like, you know. Keep it fun and put more money back in people's pockets. But yeah, I would.
16:41:08 Absolutely love to do a discovery call with anybody who's interested, and whether that means we address.
16:41:14 View during, you know.
16:41:16 Whatever phase you're in as a woman, you know for, and whether it be enhancements or just.
16:41:23 Mental connection, and getting some evaluation and looking at different options that are.
16:41:27 Medical vitamin supplement injections all that.
16:41:31 I gotcha.
16:41:33 Awesome. And all this information will also be on our website as well as in the show notes. So don't feel like you have to, you know quickly. Write everything down. It'll be available. And yes, thank you so much for being on today.

Episode 7: Exploring Motherhood Through IFS and Human Design with Heidi Lindeman

November 5, 2024 Stephanie Konter-O'Hara

In this episode of the Redefining Us Podcast, we welcome Heidi Lindeman, a licensed counselor, IFS therapist, and parent coach. Together, we dive into the worlds of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy and Human Design, exploring how these tools can help individuals, especially mothers, reconnect with their authentic selves.

IFS, developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, is a therapeutic model that sees individuals as having many "parts," each with a unique role and purpose. When we learn to communicate with these parts from our core "Self," we can release emotional burdens, integrate more fully, and respond with more compassion—both to ourselves and to others. Heidi explains how IFS is transformative for both parents and children, allowing us to honor every part of ourselves and interact with our kids from a place of grounded wholeness.

Heidi also introduces the concept of Human Design, a holistic system combining elements like astrology, chakras, and the I Ching. Human Design offers insights into our energetic blueprint and guides us toward choices aligned with our true nature. Heidi describes how this approach has impacted her own life and parenting journey, particularly in understanding and supporting her children as unique individuals.

Key Topics Discussed:

Understanding Internal Family Systems (IFS):

IFS views us as composed of many distinct "parts" or subpersonalities that represent different aspects of our emotions, experiences, and roles.
The importance of the "Self"—a calm, compassionate core that can communicate with each part, helping to heal trauma and align all parts with their positive intentions.

Applying IFS in Parenting:

How IFS can be a valuable tool for parents, helping them distinguish between their "mom part" and their core identity.
Using IFS to respond to children from a grounded place rather than reactive childhood wounds or unmet needs.

Introduction to Human Design:

An exploration of Human Design as a system that integrates multiple ancient wisdom traditions and offers a personal roadmap based on birth information.
Heidi shares how Human Design has helped her understand herself and her children, tailoring her approach to parenting according to each child's unique energetic profile.

Aligning with Our Authentic Selves:

The common thread between IFS and Human Design is living in alignment with one's true self, free from societal expectations or past traumas.
Heidi emphasizes the value of connecting with our "core self" in navigating the demands of motherhood and daily life, bringing a sense of peace and authenticity.

About the Guest: Heidi Lindeman is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) with a deep-rooted spiritual background, she is dedicated to helping moms who feel overwhelmed, isolated, and burnt out. She believes in nurturing both your soul and your human experience, creating a harmonious balance that allows you and your children to thrive.

Heidi is the creator and owner of Self Grounded Therapy, LLC. At Self Grounded Therapy, we offer counseling for mothers who have a deep spiritual connection to the universe and are seeking to deepen their bond with their children through meaningful and transformative practices. We understand that as a spiritual being having a human experience, your journey is about more than just managing day-to-day stress—it’s about fostering a deeper connection with yourself and your children. Heidi uses Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Human Design to help parents live an authentic life and parent in an aligned manner.

Resources:

Find out more about Heidi Lindeman and her services, including a free Human Design chart on her website https://selfgroundedtherapy.org or https://www.youtube.com/@heidilindeman9602

For further information on IFS, visit the official website of the IFS Institute founded by Dr. Richard Schwartz.

Connect with Us: If you have questions about today’s episode or want to learn more about the Redefining Us Podcast, visit our website or follow us on social media for updates and resources.

Thank you for listening! Don’t forget to subscribe and leave a review if you enjoyed the episode.

09:13:50 Welcome back to redefining us. I'm your host, Stephanie, contra, and here with me today I have.
09:13:57 Heidi Lindemann, who is a license professional.
09:14:03 In the State of Colorado.
09:14:03 Yes.
09:14:05 Who is a license professional counselor in the State of Colorado. And she's gonna be talking to us today about human design ifs and the transformation of women becoming mothers, and potentially her own journey of becoming a mother so welcome. Heidi.
09:14:22 Thank you. I'm so glad to be here.
09:14:25 So I think we should probably just start off by describing to our.
09:14:29 Listeners what human design is as well as ifs? Because I'm also a newbie in both of those topics, and would love to learn more.
09:14:37 Yes, yeah, I'm gonna start with ifs, because that is what I am more.
09:14:42 Trained in it have been doing for longer. It's.
09:14:44 I have been doing that for.
09:14:46 2 5 6 years.
09:14:49 And if his internal family systems.
09:14:53 Created by Dick Schwartz.
09:14:54 And it is a therapy model in which we see that there are many different parts of ourselves.
09:15:00 And then there's also a core self.
09:15:03 That capital. S. That's how Dick was. Describe it.
09:15:06 And we are working from that capital S. Self, with all of our parts to help.
09:15:12 Release burdens to help.
09:15:15 Clear up trauma, so that.
09:15:18 Our parts can come back to their preferred roles, because every part of us has a positive.
09:15:25 Intent for us.
09:15:26 So when they're all in their preferred intended acting in that way.
09:15:31 Then our lives are more. We're like more integrated and more living into our truth or into our wholeness is who we are.
09:15:39 And that can be really helpful as a mom.
09:15:42 For both myself and but also my kids to like they have many parts. Okay, how do we help.
09:15:47 Navigate this little life that is happening in front of me.
09:15:52 That's ifs.
09:15:53 Questions before I jump into human design.
09:15:55 Defining it.
09:15:57 So, yeah, I think ifs to kind of break it down, at least from someone who's not as familiar is that each aspect of you, or each, maybe, like season of your life has become, or is, a part of yourself, and all of those parts are kind of like informing your decisions and how you behave today.
09:16:17 Yeah, kind of it's. And it would kind of, I think, go even more into every single part of us is almost a subpersonality. It's like it is a.
09:16:26 Almost like this little person or this little aspect. It's not just an aspect. It's like it's an actual person or part of me, with.
09:16:32 Full emotions, a full range of things like your anxious part.
09:16:35 Would be the part that's really worried or like.
09:16:38 Trying to get things done because they don't want that part of you doesn't want to have.
09:16:45 You fail or have something else happen. So it's really functioning in that.
09:16:53 Way, but it is like a whole person.
09:16:56 Yeah, it's kind of.
09:16:56 Each part of your whole person.
09:17:02 I attempt to like, externalize their anxious voice or their like substance. Abuse, voice like and like, that's not who you truly are. That's like this part of you that's like.
09:17:13 You know, trying to get you to behave in a certain way, and being able to communicate to that part is like a separate.
09:17:21 Thing rather than like, have it be inside of you.
09:17:25 Yeah, I don't know if that makes sense.
09:17:29 We.
09:17:26 That's absolutely correct. That's what it would. It's like inside out. How inside out has joy and anger and sadness.
09:17:34 And then, if you see an inside out, there's anxiety.
09:17:37 Every one of those would be a part.
09:17:39 And then we would be talking to each part of those from self.
09:17:42 To help that part get whatever it's needing, and to.
09:17:47 Have it functioning the way the best way that it could be.
09:17:51 Okay, yeah. And so I assume that would be very helpful in figuring out.
09:17:55 A mother's journey from like.
09:17:58 You know, not only from childhood and working through that stuff, but also like, Okay, now you have this, like, Mom.
09:18:06 Self.
09:18:07 How are you? You know your yourself, and how are you? Your mom? And almost recognizing that you don't have to. At least that's part of my journey. You don't have to be a mom. 24, 7. You can also be like Stephanie, or you can also be Heidi. You don't have to be.
09:18:24 You know Ella's mom, for example. That's like, now, your new identity.
09:18:27 Yeah, yeah, it would be like, there would be a mom part of you that's over here. But that's not all of who you are. It's a part, and it's in a very important part, particularly when.
09:18:37 Kids, I think, are little. My kids. I have 2 of them who are one and 3. Now.
09:18:42 So I am in the very little, so I can't actually talk about what it's like when you have a 10 year old, because I don't have one.
09:18:49 But that little.
09:18:50 That time when they're really little. It's.
09:18:52 I think really important.
09:18:54 Know that you are not your mom. Part.
09:18:57 It's a part of you like, if you can actually pull it out and talk to it.
09:19:01 And communicate with it. Then you can.
09:19:03 Better understand like Oh, that's.
09:19:05 These are these lovely qualities that come from this part of me.
09:19:09 And who am I at my core? Who am I?
09:19:13 So level.
09:19:14 That I get to be Heidi. I get to be more than a mom.
09:19:19 It's, you know, and then the little part is inside of the.
09:19:23 Big self that I am, you know.
09:19:25 Yeah, yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
09:19:26 Yeah, so I I think I.
09:19:29 Understand hopefully, listeners do, and if they don't they can always reach out.
09:19:33 To Heidi, because all of our information is going to be in the show notes as well as on the website for you to reach out to her if you're interested in asking more clarifying questions about ifs. But I wanted to move into human design to make sure we have enough time to talk about that as well.
09:19:46 Yeah. Yes. Okay. So human design is a.
09:19:52 It's a combination of a bunch of different systems. And this could feel a little bit woo. So just like throwing that out that.
09:19:59 To try not to lose people, to just try to stay with me through the.
09:20:04 We're feeling. So it's essentially like astrology.
09:20:07 It's the it's the.
09:20:10 Chakras, it's the
09:20:13 Tree of life. It's all of those.
09:20:16 Combined together, and it was.
09:20:18 Channeled by.
09:20:20 Rahu.
09:20:23 Is a fun name in 8 days. So like.
09:20:27 He channeled it, and then.
09:20:29 Afterwards. We're like, Whoa, it's all of these systems together. So he didn't like in his mind, like, Okay, let me put them all together and scientifically.
09:20:36 Put them together. But it has been one of the systems.
09:20:41 In that realm when that kind of like spiritual realm that has.
09:20:45 Hit me so deeply and.
09:20:48 Made so much sense.
09:20:51 It's like when I see it.
09:20:52 I'm A. So you put in your birth, date, your birth time, your birthplace. People can get a free chart on my website.
09:21:01 And it goes through a little bit of explanation of what.
09:21:03 Some of the bigger things within the chart are.
09:21:09 But the whole idea of human design is to it's an experiment.
09:21:12 So, whatever the chart says.
09:21:15 You can try and experiment with.
09:21:18 And it's not meant to be like this is who you are, and it's black and white. And here you're in this little box. It's more of.
09:21:25 Here's the energetic blueprint of who you are, how you came into life.
09:21:31 Play with this.
09:21:34 These themes and these things that are in the chart to see how it feels in your life.
09:21:39 And the idea is when you are living.
09:21:43 Aligned, based off of the chart.
09:21:46 Life tends to.
09:21:49 Flow easier, or there tends to be more alignment.
09:21:51 And it's been extremely helpful in my life to see my own chart.
09:21:56 But also to see my kids' chart, because it.
09:21:59 Shows me how, as a mom, what is it that I need for myself?
09:22:03 And how do I interact with the world.
09:22:06 And then, what do my kids need?
09:22:09 For themselves. And how do they interact with the world? And how do I need to interact with each one of them differently?
09:22:15 Because, like, I'm trying to not go into too many details to lose people's like I, manifesting generator.
09:22:22 I have one daughter who's a generator, and I have one daughter who's a manifestor.
09:22:27 Both my me and my daughter, who are a generator. We respond to the world.
09:22:31 So we need something to come to us, and then we have a reaction. We respond to that.
09:22:37 My little manifest. She initiates things.
09:22:40 So we often actually might start
09:22:43 Responding to my manifestor because she's the one who like just in her own body and her own being, she just.
09:22:49 Initiate something, and she just does something because she wants to.
09:22:53 Whereas it's more aligned for me.
09:22:55 Generator to respond to the thing that she is initiating.
09:22:59 That's very, very little.
09:23:05 Yeah.
09:23:03 Snippet there, but that's human.
09:23:05 I'm kind of hearing a theme between the 2, though, which is this idea of coming.
09:23:10 Back to yourself and being aligned with yourself and making decisions and moving through the world in a way where you're.
09:23:19 Yeah, like acting out of your true self, not out.
09:23:23 Maybe, like what external factors have influenced you, or out of your trauma, or.
09:23:29 Out of societal expectations, but just like truly, like what's internal for each person.
09:23:35 Yes, absolutely it is.
09:23:38 And that is my like.
09:23:40 Joy in life right now. Really, not just right now. Kind of.
09:23:43 Always is like. What is it?
09:23:46 Who am I? Authentically.
09:23:47 And how do I be that authentically in the world.
09:23:51 And then how do I help my kids be that authentically.
09:23:55 Not be me, but be them.
09:23:59 And yeah.
09:23:59 Yeah, I think that's a new. I don't see a new idea, but kind of like a.
09:24:04 An idea that's been rumbling, at least in my own brain, as well as like conversations that I'm having with other women who have just had babies so like very new moms of like, how do I, parent, my child?
09:24:16 As my child, not parent them in a way that maybe I thought that I would want to be parented. Or maybe, if you have 2 children. You can't necessarily parent both of your babies like the same way. Obviously, they're 2 separate entities and are going to respond to things.
09:24:33 Differently, despite their environment and genetics being very similar.
09:24:37 But they probably have already, like different demeanors, like upon like developing in person.
09:24:44 Yes, yes, absolutely. And I.
09:24:48 Think what's really fascinating is that as we have kids often, what happens.
09:24:51 Particularly if we come, had any.
09:24:55 Trauma, and I don't even mean big trauma could be emotional.
09:24:58 Just like whatever happened in your childhood that often pops up.
09:25:04 When we are parenting our own kids.
09:25:07 And that reaction.
09:25:10 There is a part of you inside that does need to be parented a new way, and it is.
09:25:15 Can be kind of helpful to do it.
09:25:17 With your kid, but it's more that that part of you needs.
09:25:20 Whatever it is that you're like. I needed this, and I never got it. Give it to yourself.
09:25:25 And then you could be more grounded and more.
09:25:29 Centered in, not in that part of you who's like I need.
09:25:35 Whatever I need.
09:25:36 Over amounts of love, or I need not that there can ever be too much.
09:25:41 You know, whatever that little part needs.
09:25:43 Then you can come back to yourself, back to your center.
09:25:46 And look at your child, who is.
09:25:50 Whatever they're doing, my 3 year old. Who is, I don't know, throwing a tantrum because she wanted a.
09:25:55 Blue cup, and I put her food in a.
09:25:58 Or put her drink in a purple cup. And now.
09:26:01 It's the end of the world, and if that triggers me.
09:26:05 Which it sometimes does, because it's annoying. But there's like, what is that part of me who's really annoyed.
09:26:12 How can I honor that.
09:26:15 Because it's usually a young one.
09:26:18 That young one who maybe didn't get what she wanted when she was little.
09:26:23 Tell that part that it's really important that I hear her, and I feel her.
09:26:28 And that I'm here for her, and that.
09:26:31 She can want things.
09:26:33 And it's okay to want things.
09:26:36 And I don't have to react out of the way that she was responded to. Of.
09:26:40 No, you can't have the.
09:26:42 Purple cup.
09:26:44 Because I already put it in the blue cup.
09:26:48 Yeah.
09:26:48 You know I can come to a more grounded space, and either choose then.
09:26:52 Oh, you want a purple cup. And this really isn't that big of a deal? All right.
09:26:55 Well, let's just go ahead and port into a purple cup.
09:26:58 Or I can respond like.
09:26:59 Oh, yeah, you really wanted the purple cup, and I put it in the blue cup.
09:27:03 That's really hard.
09:27:07 Wonder how you're gonna drink it out of the blue cup? I mean. So it doesn't right way to do it. But it's more of that grounded calm.
09:27:14 Energy, instead of responding out of that.
09:27:18 Child part energy, anyway, that just randomly popped up in my head.
09:27:22 Yeah, I, think it.
09:27:24 The idea of like hearing your inner voice, or hearing your inner emotion, and then responding.
09:27:31 Is very helpful for a lot of people, because I think.
09:27:35 In our society in general, we're kind of just like.
09:27:38 Setup to go quickly, or to rush.
09:27:42 And not to like check in with ourselves.
09:27:45 And we're just kind of programmed to respond all of the time and like, whether that's respond by shutting down.
09:27:52 Freezing, crying, yelling like, we're all like set up to just respond to something. And what would it be like for us all to take a pause.
09:28:02 And like check in with how we feel, and then like, respond to something that's happening, whether that's our child or something at work, or.
09:28:11 What have you.
09:28:12 Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I think that's a huge.
09:28:16 I think it's a. It takes a lot of effort or a lot of skill to get to that point like you can. I think you can, that where it's I think you can also do it. And like, if you notice.
09:28:26 You got really charged in a situation.
09:28:29 That, and then you yell at your kid, or whatever you can go back later.
09:28:33 And you can then reflect on like, okay, what part of me got really.
09:28:38 Charged or hurt, or needed.
09:28:41 Whatever they needed.
09:28:43 And then you can work with that part of you and help heal some of that.
09:28:46 Whatever happened in childhood, what.
09:28:49 Whatever need was not.
09:28:51 Given to you, you can heal that need, and then the next time you can respond in a different way.
09:28:56 And I know something else that I've been hearing a lot lately is that.
09:29:01 We can also go back and repair with our child.
09:29:03 We can apologize for yelling at them.
09:29:07 That's actually an okay thing to do that. This is an.
09:29:10 Whole human. A kid is a whole human. They're not somebody.
09:29:17 I don't know has no reaction or no response. When you yell at them.
09:29:22 You know.
09:29:23 Yeah, I've been reading quite a few different parenting books on my journey, and.
09:29:28 Yeah.
09:29:28 One of them that I was reading was talking about the difference between like treating your child like their child, and like treating them as if they're a human and like, how do we respond to our children like with the same respect that we would give any other human.
09:29:46 And if you got into a conflict with a friend, or if you got into a conflict with a co-worker, or whoever, and that relationship was worth like.
09:29:55 Staying in you would do what it takes to repair the relationship.
09:29:59 Right. And so why would you not do that like with your child?
09:30:03 Yeah, absolutely. I.
09:30:05 Yeah, I think it's really important. And I think that's part of how we're.
09:30:09 When I say we have thing like.
09:30:12 Millennials, late.
09:30:14 I never really think I'm a millennial, but I technically am.
09:30:19 Millennials, who were raised by.
09:30:23 Baby boomers who didn't do that.
09:30:27 Really, this is, they weren't taught to.
09:30:29 That they needed to apologize to us. They were taught that they are the authority, and that what they say goes.
09:30:34 And that's an over generalization like, I know, that's not everyone. Just wanna name that.
09:30:42 But yeah, it's it's a very different perspective from.
09:30:45 This is the child who needs to listen to what I say and obey me, and.
09:30:50 Sometimes not even be heard. Kids are not supposed to be.
09:30:54 Seen or heard, or like.
09:30:57 To. Here is a child who is.
09:31:00 This has this exuberant life, and all of this energy and.
09:31:04 They want to express it in the world.
09:31:07 And how do I put enough?
09:31:10 Structure and boundaries to hold them so that they feel safe.
09:31:13 To explore their world and.
09:31:15 Know that they are a full human, that they are.
09:31:18 Have all of the emotions.
09:31:21 And very little of the cognitive skills yet to regulate these emotions.
09:31:27 Yes.
09:31:26 As a 1 3 year old. So we gotta grow that.
09:31:30 Yes.
09:31:30 I don't think I've seen so much from the.
09:31:34 Understood from the previous generations.
09:31:37 Yeah.
09:31:36 Purchasing the 5th tier.
09:31:38 Yeah, I I do think there's like different things that are in the.
09:31:42 You know, Zeitgeist, now that weren't in the Zeitgeist when my parents were raising me, I think.
09:31:49 It's interesting. How.
09:31:52 Everything has changed like, even when.
09:31:54 I was 1st having Ella. The idea that we had a baby monitor. My mom's like you can watch her sleep like all the time. What.
09:32:03 I just had to like, put my ear against the door to figure out whether or not you were sleeping.
09:32:10 Yeah, yeah.
09:32:11 So, so.
09:32:11 Different one, for sure.
09:32:12 So much has changed.
09:32:13 Yeah, yeah.
09:32:16 And I think also one of the things that have changed, or that I'm seeing change.
09:32:20 Is that mothers are now identifying, that they also need to care for themselves like.
09:32:26 And maybe not even just for themselves, that they need.
09:32:30 Support, that they need friends, that they need community, that they.
09:32:34 You know that we get deserve that.
09:32:37 Time to go, be by ourselves and be something more than just a mom.
09:32:42 And that that's actually really important.
09:32:46 For raising the child so like, that's kind of like the redefining us is like.
09:32:51 We still get to matter.
09:32:53 As we bring in this aspect of Momming.
09:32:59 Which the fact that mommy is a word these days is fascinating, because, like, it's a thing you're doing.
09:33:05 And parenting wasn't ever a.
09:33:08 Wasn't a thing until the 70 s.
09:33:10 People didn't. It was. Wasn't that like.
09:33:12 What is it? A verb? And it was a.
09:33:14 Yeah, like an act. Action. Yeah.
09:33:17 Like I was. I'm a parent. Sure. Yeah, I have kids, and they do things. Whatever.
09:33:22 It's a very different world.
09:33:25 Anyway, I lost my train of thought. There.
09:33:27 Yeah, I think what I was kind of hearing you go back to is like, how do.
09:33:33 Go back to connect with yourself, despite all this, like, because.
09:33:37 I mean, I love my baby, but I will say she's create a lot of chaos in my life. Right? So, yeah, like, how do you come back to yourselves.
09:33:50 Even when your baby like, really needs you to survive, especially in that 1st like year of life, and then like it, probably beyond that.
09:34:00 I'm only 13 months into this journey. So I imagine she's gonna keep needing me for a lot of things. But I'm assuming probably not as much as that 1st year. So, yeah, like.
09:34:11 During that postpartum experience.
09:34:14 Like figuring out how to come back to yourself.
09:34:19 And like, listen to what you need during that journey. I imagine.
09:34:23 Is some good prep. Work to do like while you're pregnant, or even, you know, if you didn't do it during.
09:34:29 Pregnancy like in postpartum, and figuring out how to.
09:34:34 To align with.
09:34:36 Yourself whether that's through ifs or human design or yeah, I'd love to kind of hear what your thoughts are for. Maybe people who haven't started this journey, and now they're like in the thick of it.
09:34:48 Yeah, so.
09:34:51 Depending on where they are.
09:34:54 How I think they come back to themselves on their own.
09:34:59 Skills, or like, if they've been a meditator, then meditation might be something that's.
09:35:05 Sort of accessible. I found, after my first.st
09:35:08 Kiddo that the ifs work. I could not go inside. I just couldn't do it.
09:35:15 Cause. I was so.
09:35:19 Overrun with. I don't know hormones, or like the changes, the physical changes that happen in our body as we're pregnant.
09:35:25 Even my pregnancy. I had a hard time connecting inside, and I just find it fascinating.
09:35:32 It's not everybody's story. A lot of people are like, Oh, no. I connected more inside when I was pregnant.
09:35:36 So it's a who knows what that's all about.
09:35:40 After she was born.
09:35:42 I had to go back to the basics, and I did that with the help of postpartum, Doulas.
09:35:49 Which I also now just got my certificate, so I have officially a postpartum.
09:35:55 Awesome.
09:35:53 Another thing if someone help in that close part of time love little babies and mamas. But.
09:36:00 What I got as that postpartum in that postpartum time for my do list was.
09:36:03 They would come and make food for me, they would make sure I was eating. I was having a really hard time.
09:36:09 Eating enough food. And that's really important when you're a new mom, especially if you're breastfeeding.
09:36:15 Because you need more calories.
09:36:18 To breastfeed than you did to build the baby.
09:36:20 To be which is fascinating to me.
09:36:23 So it's like, how can you literally go back to the basics you need to eat.
09:36:28 Sleep, which is insanely hard when you have an infant, because infants do not sleep.
09:36:33 For more than a couple of hours at a time.
09:36:37 They may sleep for 20 HA day.
09:36:41 But not consistently. It's a little like 30 min.
09:36:48 Anyway, it's like for me. It's going back to the basics of.
09:36:51 Needs. And then.
09:36:53 As the my baby got older. Then I could start to touch back into the.
09:36:58 Okay. Now I'm somebody different. Now I am.
09:37:02 There's this important.
09:37:04 Person in my life who is kind of the most important person ever.
09:37:08 But how do I also be important.
09:37:10 And then kind of taking that.
09:37:12 And redefining. Who am I now that I am a mom? And how do I actually bring that mom aspect.
09:37:19 Almost closer.
09:37:22 Into me, and then.
09:37:25 Now I think I'm now in a more of like.
09:37:27 Bringing it closer, and then having it stand out from me. So it's almost like I had to blend with it for a while, which it would be an ifs term of like.
09:37:33 Just fully become that.
09:37:36 I am only Mom, and I breastfeed, and I keep this baby alive, and I.
09:37:40 Try to sleep as much as I can, and.
09:37:44 Change diapers and.
09:37:48 Meet whatever name the baby has at that point.
09:37:51 Yeah.
09:37:52 And then.
09:37:54 Now that I have a 1 and 3 year old.
09:37:56 I'm having much more.
09:37:59 Access inside to.
09:38:02 Really settled back into.
09:38:05 Who am I?
09:38:06 Who is he outside of Mom's now? It's like more the mom park can stand next to me.
09:38:13 And still be there, because it's important.
09:38:16 But then there's a like I can meet deeper needs that I have, and this is where more that childhood repairing is coming in of.
09:38:25 Caring for that little.
09:38:27 Girl inside of me, who.
09:38:29 Didn't get the kind of care and attention.
09:38:33 Or the emo. It was mostly emotional. For me it was like the kind of emotional response I needed.
09:38:38 So now I'm really practicing on giving that to myself.
09:38:44 And.
09:38:46 Yeah. Anyway, that's where I'm at.
09:38:48 I really feel like I start going somewhere, and I'm like, I have no idea what.
09:38:52 You even just said.
09:38:55 I think it'll make sense, though, right like, if you can respond to yourself.
09:39:00 That means you are now more open to the or possibility of responding to your child. Because if you're just like ignoring yourself like, how are you going to attune.
09:39:11 To your child.
09:39:13 Right, yeah.
09:39:14 Because you're not even with you.
09:39:16 Right, yeah, yeah.
09:39:19 Yeah.
09:39:18 And so if you're responding to someone with an.
09:39:21 From an unassigned in, aligned from an inlined place.
09:39:27 Unaligned.
09:39:27 I want to say I don't know. Unlike.
09:39:34 Okay. So if you're responding to yourself from a place of not being in aligned with you.
09:39:48 Great.
09:39:43 Responding to, like your child from a place of like security and attachment and attunement.
09:39:50 Yeah.
09:39:49 And I know a lot of things that parents that I've spoken to are concerned about is like creating that secure attachment with their child, because there's been a lot of research to show that, like having secure attachments.
09:40:03 And being able to handle stress and being able to have like good connections like help. Someone long term in their life, both like mentally as well as like physical, like ailments can be.
09:40:18 Soothed or benefited from like good mental health. So it's like super important to a lot of parents that I've spoken to that they are doing that. And so this is just like one way.
09:40:29 That you can like. Come back to yourself to take care of you as well as like. Take care of your child, and help that secure attachment.
09:40:36 Would you agree? I guess.
09:40:38 Absolutely 100%, especially with ifs.
09:40:41 Like ifs is the.
09:40:44 It's what you're doing inside of yourself.
09:40:48 Is you are creating that secure attachment to yourself.
09:40:51 To the capital S.
09:40:53 To all of your parts, so to your young child, part.
09:40:56 Or parts, there could be more than one.
09:40:58 To your we. Those were called exiles in ifs world to your managers, those are the parts of you that are.
09:41:05 Like your daily functioners, the parts that are.
09:41:08 That really try to make sure that none of that trauma or none of those big emotions come up.
09:41:13 And of course, the exiles they're always like.
09:41:16 No, come up. I need you to feel me. I need you to feel the big emotion. I need you to feel the big thing.
09:41:23 And then the firefighters are the ones who try to push back down the exiles.
09:41:27 But when you have that happening inside of you.
09:41:29 And you work from self energy with all 3 of those kinds of parts.
09:41:35 Then.
09:41:37 And have build that secure attachment and build a trust inside.
09:41:41 Then, when that trigger comes up, or that emotion, or whatever is happening, comes up.
09:41:46 It feels different inside of you.
09:41:48 And then there is trust that you build literally inside of you. And when you build that trust inside of you.
09:41:54 That is going to extend your external world. It's going to extend to your kids.
09:41:59 When you trust yourself to be grounded, and be able to take care of your own.
09:42:04 Shame, or your own.
09:42:07 Sadness or your own anger. Whatever big feeling is, there.
09:42:12 When you know you can do that for yourself. Then, when your child is.
09:42:16 2 or 3, and having this huge tantrum because they have really big feelings. Everybody can see their feelings. They don't hide that. They're just.
09:42:25 Expressing, expressing. Then you can stand there and.
09:42:28 Be with them, and then they get that.
09:42:32 Grounded presence, which is what.
09:42:34 A kid who's having a big feeling needs. It's.
09:42:36 It's not a magic kind of.
09:42:41 Formula that you have to create like you literally just need to be present and grounded with them.
09:42:46 And be there in in the feeling with them. Let them have it.
09:42:50 Without getting scared or overwhelmed by it.
09:42:54 And that attachment to them then creates that long.
09:42:58 You know, as they grow, they're gonna be able to do that inside of themselves, which then they can do with.
09:43:04 Whoever is in their world, and it just grows and grows and grows. So it's.
09:43:11 Yeah, it's life. Changing stuff ifs, is.
09:43:13 Magic. I think it's magic.
09:43:17 Yeah, it's so interesting now that we're talking about this like in the throes of early.
09:43:24 Aaron Hood, like I was finding myself so obsessed with like sleep stuff.
09:43:29 And how like sleep was going to be the answer to create, quote, unquote, secure attachment, like I needed to do certain things.
09:43:38 In her life in order to make sure that she was secure through sleep. And now that I have like more clarity, I'm like, that's just like one of like many things.
09:43:50 Or it's not even the most important thing. Maybe it's like, literally, how you respond to your kid.
09:43:55 Every day while they're awake, having emotions.
09:43:59 That probably creates like a bigger impact.
09:44:04 Then how sleep was. Obviously sleep is important, not saying it's not, but I think I put like a thousand of my eggs in that basket. And now that I have more clarity and more removal from the situation, I'm like, Oh, wait! There's actually like hundreds of other ways that I can.
09:44:25 Work with my child to hopefully instill, like a sense of secure attachment.
09:44:30 You know, not just with myself, but with my husband, and with like other people like.
09:44:36 So I guess I wanted to say that to remind people to cut themselves if they're not quote unquote, doing it perfectly in like every single way, like.
09:44:46 There are lots of things that you can a like repair like we said earlier, and like B, like.
09:44:54 While you're awake, while you're feeling sane, like things with your kids to help instill like secure attachment.
09:45:03 Right. And it's also, I think, important to note that the.
09:45:07 Repair and the the mistake that happens. I don't even think it's a mistake. The rupture that's a better word, the rupture that happens.
09:45:15 Is essential.
09:45:16 That we actually do not want to be 100 attuned to our kids all of the time.
09:45:24 That that actually doesn't help them grow into the.
09:45:27 Confident, secure person that they need. They actually need to know what it feels like to be.
09:45:33 Miss a tune to to be misaligned, and then to have that repair come back.
09:45:37 Because it's unrealistic to think that we can be.
09:45:42 100% attuned to our kid. And that was my goal. When my.
09:45:45 1st was born, and I was like, Oh, well, that's unrealistic, and that's like a high expectation. Here, let's like, bring that down a little bit.
09:45:54 We just need to be.
09:45:55 So good enough. Parents. It's that like.
09:45:59 50 55, like just over 50. Attack
09:46:03 Aligned. I don't mean attached. They do need to be securely attached to us, but.
09:46:07 Attuned to them, creates.
09:46:10 Secure attachment, really letting go of that perfect.
09:46:15 Part that wants to do it perfectly.
09:46:18 And also sleep is essential.
09:46:20 Sleep is a foundational thing.
09:46:24 Because when they sleep and when you sleep, and when everybody is sleeping well.
09:46:29 Then the behaviors and the emotions during the awake time are more regulated.
09:46:35 But it also is not like the most important thing, or the only thing for attachment.
09:46:41 Just one thing that's important in life is to sleep.
09:46:44 You know? Yeah.
09:46:44 Yes, yes, yes, yeah. I I think my perfectionistic self was like.
09:46:51 To so drilled in on the sleep like I was finding myself counting like every single minute that she slept, because I was like determined that she was going to like, quote unquote sleep.
09:47:00 The amount of time that you're supposed to sleep in order for a healthy baby, because I was like this baby doesn't sleep. I need to make sure she actually does.
09:47:08 And so, yeah, I think it's interesting how we can all get hung up, probably on different like facets.
09:47:16 Of a child's development, but, like the whole person going back to like treating a.
09:47:21 Baby as a human like the whole person matters.
09:47:25 Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. I also just wanna name that I was obsessed with sleep. With my 1st I got a sleeped while I was still pregnant.
09:47:33 Cause I was gonna figure it out before she was even bored.
09:47:37 So sleep is an important thing. But yeah.
09:47:41 Because the whole person and there's a whole lot other.
09:47:42 A lot more that goes into it. And they're exploring and like.
09:47:45 Checking out the world as like as they're an infant. They're just looking 1st at you, at.
09:47:51 Generally the person who gave birth.
09:47:53 And they start attaching there, and then they start talking to other.
09:47:57 Main caregivers in their lives, but really they can only see.
09:48:03 And competing inches in front of their face. Yeah.
09:48:02 I don't know, can't see a whole lot.
09:48:07 Yeah.
09:48:09 Yeah.
09:48:07 It's wild. It is crazy.
09:48:11 Yeah, this is kind of a separate topic. But I've had some conversations with people. How it's like babies, like, if.
09:48:18 They could like not come out to like 3 or 4 months like postpartum, like, they'd probably be much easier to quote unquote, manage, because, like.
09:48:28 Before that they're just like, still so helpless. It's like they might as well still be in the womb. They need that much attention.
09:48:35 Uhhuh, yeah. And that is what that those first.st
09:48:38 3 4 months.
09:48:40 Need to be. And that's why there's a lot of people who call that the 4th trimester.
09:48:44 Is because that literally, you just need to make them in a womb on the outside.
09:48:50 You know them as much as you can.
09:48:53 Putting I don't know. Just be holding them.
09:48:56 All the time, not all the time. Clearly you need to put your baby down and like, let your baby sleep all those things. But.
09:49:02 They just want to be curled up on you in there.
09:49:07 Yeah. Little bit. Precious.
09:49:09 Yeah.
09:49:10 Well, thank you so much for coming on today. I want to give you an opportunity to tell people like what your website is like what offerings that you have. So people can yeah, know more about you and reach out.
09:49:22 Yeah, absolutely. So, my.
09:49:25 Business name is called Self Therapy.
09:49:27 So let's put in that, and you'll find that wherever I am.
09:49:31 So I, my website is self rounded therapy dot.
09:49:37 Org. And then I have a Youtube channel.
09:49:39 Which I is called self therapy. My Youtube channel, though right now I'm I just switched my population. So I'm still working on getting updated.
09:49:49 Videos for the mom world, but they will be there soon. That's 1 of my goals today.
09:49:54 So those are 2 main places. I am online.
09:49:58 My offerings right now I do individual.
09:50:02 Counseling for anybody who is in Colorado, particularly moms.
09:50:07 Like kind of that repairing like doing that ifs inside.
09:50:11 How do we nurture and honor the parts of you.
09:50:14 And nourish your soul.
09:50:17 That kind of work for moms also open to doing it for other parents as well.
09:50:23 And then I have parent coaching.
09:50:26 Which I can actually do with anybody who is in.
09:50:29 Well, really anybody, but mostly the United States. Since I am in the United States time.
09:50:33 That kind of thing, and I then, with the parent coaching, what I do is use either the ifs or the human design lens.
09:50:41 Unless the person already knows one of them, then we can combine them.
09:50:45 Just not trying to overwhelm somebody with 2 different perspectives.
09:50:49 To help them.
09:50:51 Know who they are, and then know who their kids are, and then to start setting up.
09:50:57 Structures to set up.
09:50:59 Boundaries to set up. What are your values, that there's a strong foundation of? Where the.
09:51:04 Parent or parents are coming from.
09:51:06 And also make sure that the parents together are.
09:51:09 On the same page, or a similar page.
09:51:11 And how to negotiate those any differences that might be there.
09:51:17 So I have parent coaching sessions as well.
09:51:20 That can be done.
09:51:22 Anywhere, and I operate both virtual and in person. So if they're in.
09:51:26 Colorado, close to Long. My office is in Longmont. There people can come in person for either parent coaching or for.
09:51:34 The individual.
09:51:37 Sessions,
09:51:39 Those are the things I'm doing.
09:51:42 In my practice. I also happen to just have started a mom's nourishing mom's group. That is a free.
09:51:48 Group that I'm doing every other.
09:51:52 Friday.
09:51:53 The October 11.th
09:51:56 And then every other. Friday, from 9 to 10 at Landline.
09:52:00 And that's really a group just for anybody who's a mom or identifies as a mom to come and.
09:52:07 Be together to nourish each other's souls like that is my whole intention of my whole desire. There.
09:52:13 Is, let's create that village.
09:52:14 In person. Let's create that in person. Village gotta be somewhere.
09:52:19 Yeah. So I think those are my main things at the moment that are on my head, on my mind.
09:52:24 Awesome. Well, thank you so much for coming on today and sharing with everyone your gifts, and we'll just definitely make sure that we put everything on the website so people can find you.
09:52:33 But yeah, thank you. Again.
09:52:36 Thank you so much. It was wonderful to talk to you today.

Episode 6: Body Image, Eating Behaviors, and Rewiring Our Relationship to Food

October 22, 2024 Stephanie Konter-O'Hara

This episode focuses on body image and its effects on self-esteem, particularly for women during different life stages, such as pre- and post-pregnancy. The speaker shares personal experiences and insights from their counseling practice, emphasizing how body image can lead to disordered eating behaviors and eating disorders.

Key points include:

Distinction Between Disordered Eating and Eating Disorders: Disordered eating involves unhealthy eating patterns that may cause emotional distress, while eating disorders are clinically significant and often require medical intervention.
Impact of Life Changes: Women's bodies change significantly during pregnancy and postpartum, and societal pressure to "bounce back" can exacerbate negative body image.
Emotional Connection to Eating: Individuals may make emotional decisions regarding food, leading to a cycle of stress and disordered behaviors.
Self-Reflection and Awareness: The speaker advocates for practices that enhance body awareness and emotional health, encouraging individuals to focus on feelings rather than solely on food and body image.
Acceptance of Change: Emphasizing the importance of accepting body changes over time, the speaker suggests that surrendering to these transitions can lead to healthier self-perception.
Community Support: The message encourages seeking help and building a supportive community to navigate body image challenges together.

The overarching theme is the importance of self-acceptance and emotional well-being in the journey of body image and eating behaviors.

Stephanie Konter-O'Hara is deeply passionate about the work she does as a clinician, supervisor, business owner, podcaster, wife and mother as they all inspire her to be the best version of herself and challenge her everyday. A guiding mantra that Stephanie follows in life is the Gandhi quote of "be the change you want to see in the world", and this inspires her to keep doing things in a way that don't necessarily follow the mold but is ideally changing the world one interaction at a time. She believes her purpose is to inspire others to be the best version of themselves and empower every person to deeply know they are good enough just the way they are.

Description text goes her11:07:17 Today I'm going to talk about body image and the journey that I have been on as well as people that I work with.
11:07:27 In my counseling practice, and how their body image has impacted.
11:07:32 Their self-esteem, their sense of fitting in as well as their journey, but both previous and post.
11:07:54 Hi, everyone. Today I'm going to talk about body image and how it impacts women that I have worked with in my practice as well as my own journey with body image. I'm going to address the difference.
11:08:10 That a woman may feel.
11:08:12 3 baby compared to post baby.
11:08:15 As well as how.
11:08:19 A person's body image may impact their eating behaviors as well as how they feel about themselves, and whether or not that impacts their ability to relate to others.
11:08:29 So oftentimes, when people are consumed with the way that their body appears aesthetically to the world, they may develop.
11:08:40 Some disorder, eating behaviors.
11:08:44 Or some.
11:08:45 Behaviors that are directly in line with a diagnosable eating disorder, and the line is a little blurry for that.
11:08:54 In the public eye. However, I want to make sure that I really clarify the difference between disordered eating behaviors compared to eating disorder.
11:09:03 So just ordered eating can appear that someone is.
11:09:10 Focused on their food, focused on their body, they may make more emotional decisions.
11:09:17 About eating rather than just eating, to.
11:09:22 Survive, or eating to nourish themselves, or eating out of joy. Sometimes.
11:09:27 Into shorter eating, or.
11:09:31 Yeah, sometimes in disordered eating, this may look like.
11:09:35 Not eating all day, and then eating all of our calories at night, and look like an episode of what's called emotional eating, or it could look like only eating.
11:09:48 During certain times, and doing like intermittent fasting or.
11:09:52 Any sort of quote unquote diet.
11:09:55 That is done oftentimes can look like.
11:10:00 Disordered eating, it usually causes some level of emotional distress. If I were to describe emotional distress to you on a scale of 0 to 10 0 be no distress at all. 10 be in the highest stress you can imagine. I would rate people who experience disordered eating level of daily distress around food at like a 3 or 4.
11:10:23 Now compared to an eating disorder, the level of distress or disturbance that someone.
11:10:29 Experiences around an eating disorder is probably on the higher end, like somewhere, it's causing major impacts on their emotional wellbeing as well as the relationships that they have with others.
11:10:43 It may require medical attention.
11:10:46 It may be a little less severe, and not require medical attention, but is a chronic everyday issue that may look like fasting or restricting food, having a lot of moral judgments around food. This food's good, this food's bad.
11:11:03 Maybe counting calories.
11:11:05 Potentially measuring themselves.
11:11:08 Being hyper, fixated on the food that they put in their body.
11:11:12 As well as the size of their body.
11:11:16 And not eating in a way that actually.
11:11:21 Provides a sense of well balanced but.
11:11:24 Usually on one.
11:11:27 Pendulum, extreme of.
11:11:29 I'm gonna eat everything that I want and have.
11:11:34 Hardly any hunger, cues.
11:11:36 A feeling satisfied to. I'm going to ignore all of my hunger cues.
11:11:42 And I'm going to not eat.
11:11:44 Now, that's a very broad description.
11:11:49 I have an eating disorder.
11:11:50 The Dsm 5 has a very specific.
11:11:54 Way of describing, in eating disorder.
11:12:44 So currently, the Dsm 5.
11:12:47 Has 5 different delineations of what is underneath the eating disorder. Category.
11:12:53 Anorexia nervosa bulimia nervosa binge, eating disorder, something called rfed, as well as other specified feeding or eating disorders.
11:13:05 Now, if you have co-occurring disorders with this anxiety, depression, or even like medical, like diabetes.
11:13:14 There's complications that could cause more issues, especially if you have a medical other more.
11:13:26 Difficult mental health disorder to work through. It kind of gets really complicated and can look very different for each person. So I also want to recognize that. But I'm just going to read.
11:13:38 What?
11:13:39 The Dsm. Would describe as.
11:14:01 Okay, the key diagnostic criteria looks like restricting of energy intake relative to requirements leading to a significantly low body weight in the context of age, sex, developmental trajectory and physical health.
11:14:17 Often they experience intense fear of gaining weight, or becoming fat or persistent behavior that interferes with weight gain, even though.
11:14:25 They're at a significantly low weight.
11:14:28 And finally, disturbance in a way in which one's bodies or shape is experience. Undue influence of body, weight, or shape.
11:14:37 On self evaluation or persistent lack of recognition of the seriousness of their current low body weight.
11:14:44 For binge, eating.
11:14:46 Disorder. It looks like.
11:14:48 According to the Dsm. Recurrent episodes of Binge. Eating, bingeing is associated with eating more rapidly than usual, eating until full.
11:14:59 And uncomfortably full, eating large amount of food when not physically hungry, eating alone because of feeling embarrassed by how much one is eating.
11:15:09 Feeling disgusted with oneself or.
11:15:14 Very guilty afterwards, and having marked distress about their bin cheating episode.
11:15:20 Bulimia often looks like recurrent episodes of binge eating that are characterized by.
11:15:25 Both of the following, in a discrete period of time, usually within 2 h period, an amount of food that is.
11:15:33 Definitively larger than what most individuals would eat in a similar period of time. Under similar circumstances, a sense or lack of control.
11:15:43 Overeating during this episode, and feeling that they cannot stop eating or control what or how much one is eating reoccurrent, inappropriate, compensatory behaviors to prevent weight, gain compensatory behaviors.
11:15:59 Can look like self-induced vomiting misuse of wax, diuretics, or other medications, fasting or excessive exercise.
11:16:09 Self evaluation is unduly influenced by body, shape, and.
11:16:14 Our fed actually stands for avoidant restrictive food, intake disorder and the Dsm eating or feeding disturbance.
11:16:23 Apparent lack of interest in eating or food avoidance based on sensory characteristics of food concern about aversion, consequences of eating associated with one or more of the following.
11:16:35 Significant weight, loss, or failure to achieve expected weight, gain, or.
11:16:40 Flat faltering growth in children.
11:16:43 Significant, nutritional deficiencies.
11:16:46 Dependent on.
11:16:48 Dependent on feeding oral.
11:16:52 Supplements.
11:16:54 Marked interference with social cycle.
11:16:57 Marked interference with social.
11:17:03 Marked interference with psychosocial functioning.
11:17:07 And finally other specified feeding disorders.
11:17:11 Is an eating disorder or feeding disturbance that causes clinically significant distress or impairment, but does not meet the full criteria of any of the disorders in this diagnostic class.
11:17:22 This might include, but is not limited to.
11:17:26 Atypical anorexia.
11:17:28 Bulimia narvosa, or Binge, eating disorder of low frequency or limited.
11:17:34 Duration, purging disorder or night eating, syndrome.
11:17:37 So that is what is clinically as an eating disorder. Most of the people that I work with in an outpatient level have what's called disordered eating.
11:17:49 Oftentimes, when someone has a eating disorder that is clinically significant, they need more medical assistance than what is appropriate for outpatient care.
11:18:00 So those that clients generally get referred to a higher level of care until they're able to stabilize some of their behaviors and resume outpatient care.
11:18:09 But it outpatient care.
11:18:13 And the people that I work with.
11:18:15 There's usually still a relatively high.
11:18:18 Distress that they're eating behaviors, and the way their body causes them.
11:18:24 And generally what I like to do with clients is start having them create what's called a dialectical behavior card. So a dialectical behavior card.
11:18:35 Is helpful because it.
11:18:38 Redirects the brain from focusing on what they're eating and their calories, and when their body looks to.
11:18:46 How they're feeling and what behaviors they wanna change.
11:18:50 The fixation. The eating disorders and disordered eating cause can be distressing and distracting to daily life.
11:18:58 So having the client, or having people transition to focusing on their feelings.
11:19:05 As well as their behaviors, can be a great way.
11:19:08 To rewire some of the thinking patterns.
11:19:13 So on a dialectical behavior card. I usually do a modified one with my clients. Since I provide dialectical behavior rather than the full dialectical behavior that usually is again best suited for a higher level care than outpatient treatment.
11:19:31 So on the behavior card.
11:19:35 I usually have the client out 5 emotions that they want to experience, either more of or less of. I usually encourage them to write down 3 feelings they want to feel more of because.
11:19:48 Generally speaking, most people who have mental health concerns are often focused on their negative motions.
11:19:53 So, having them try to shift their focus to focus on the positives.
11:19:59 And or the positive emotions.
11:20:01 Hopefully again, can help rewire the brain. So I usually address with the client.
11:20:07 Okay. What feelings are you feeling? What feelings do you want to experience.
11:20:13 And then we create.
11:20:15 A scale that works specifically for them. Of, okay, what's a 0 of this emotion? And what is a 10 of experiencing this emotion? And then every day I want you to assess.
11:20:26 In the morning, midday, and at night.
11:20:29 Whether or not you're experiencing that emotion and the intensity of it. And then, on the other side.
11:20:35 Focus on behaviors. So 3 behaviors.
11:20:39 That you want to do more of, and 2 behaviors that you want to do less of.
11:20:44 And then what was the urge of doing? The behavior.
11:20:48 Did you really find yourself to.
11:20:54 Measure out your food. Did you find yourself really compelled to go for a walk.
11:21:00 Like, how can you rate what the urges? Usually I do this on a scale of 0 to 5.
11:21:06 5. My urge was really high 0. I had no urge at all.
11:21:10 And then to journal about the experience of doing the behavior or not doing the behavior.
11:21:16 That way again, the client, shifting their hopefully their mental focus away from.
11:21:23 The fixation on food and body.
11:21:26 The amount of distress that this causes. People can interfere with the relationships, interfere with jobs.
11:21:33 Potentially become so consuming that it's.
11:21:37 A relationship within itself.
11:21:39 So a relationship with food, a relationship with.
11:21:44 The amount of food, or the types of food, or whatever that a person.
11:21:49 Consumes or doesn't consume the amount of moral judgment that oftentimes is aligned with food like this, food is good, this food is bad.
11:21:57 This food will make me feel.
11:21:59 Ugly. This food will make me feel skinny.
11:22:03 Like, whatever the relationship they have with a certain food, try to identify that, and then bring the person closer and closer to neutrality.
11:22:13 Because food in itself.
11:22:17 Is nutrients is sustenance is a thing they don't have inherent.
11:22:25 Good or bad.
11:22:27 In the food itself. It's the way that we view the food that impacts the way that we feel about it. But if food itself.
11:22:35 Like, let's say.
11:22:39 An entire lunch compared to a snack has the same moral value to you. Then, whether you have a snack or a whole meal.
11:22:50 Won't matter to you as much emotionally. The only thing that would matter is the hunger cues and the satiation cues that are attached.
11:22:59 To the volume of food that you eat and your level of fullness. Oftentimes people with just disordered eating.
11:23:08 Have learned to ignore their body cues, have learned to ignore the way that they're they physically feel.
11:23:16 So getting them back in touch with that is really important.
11:23:21 Because if you're not listening to your body, and you're only listening to your thoughts.
11:23:26 Usually the more distress that you're you're creating for yourself.
11:23:30 Because you're not aligned or in tune with yourself. If you're just ignoring the major aspect of your.
11:23:36 Being, which is how you physically feel.
11:23:40 I oftentimes like to encourage people to do practices that will increase their body awareness.
11:23:48 So whether that's.
11:23:50 How does it feel to be.
11:23:53 Washing your hands? Do you smell the soap? Would your hands feel like.
11:23:58 Potentially like, how does it feel when you brush your hair? What is the experience that you're noticing when you're brushing your hair.
11:24:05 I usually like to focus on parts of the.
11:24:10 Physical experience that someone might have is most likely not tied.
11:24:15 To the way.
11:24:17 That they feel about their body so oftentimes, or feet or hair.
11:24:22 Potentially if their ears like something that's, generally speaking, most people don't feel self conscious about. And I usually try to explore what that might be because some people are self conscious about their ears or their feet, or etc, so trying to find something that is as benign as possible and focus on how that part feels. And then slowly integrating.
11:24:45 Other parts of their body, so they can.
11:24:49 Recognize that their body actually isn't made of parts. It's an entire.
11:24:54 Thing an entire like piece of themselves that they need to treat holistically and see as holistically, because the more that we segment.
11:25:04 Our body up into pieces or into parts the further away from feeling integrated with our entire selves.
11:25:11 That a person can experience or person can feel.
11:25:17 So our bodies often change. So I'm gonna transition.
11:25:21 Away from talking about specific eating and eating disorders into.
11:25:27 Most people's experience with their body is that it changes throughout their entire life.
11:25:33 From birth.
11:25:34 To adolescents, 2. In our twenties, 50 60 s. etc. Our body is always changing.
11:25:42 And oftentimes people develop disordered eating in their teens and twenties.
11:25:48 Because this is the 1st time that their body is going through any sort of.
11:25:55 Dramatic change. And so this.
11:25:58 Dramatic change. Often triggers like a hyper. Awareness.
11:26:02 Or a hyper fixation on the ways that the body's changing.
11:26:07 And disordered eating or eating disorders are often an attempt to keep the body looking in a specific way. It also can be a result, of course, of other traumatic events.
11:26:18 That I'm not gonna go into here because that could be an entire episode in itself.
11:26:22 But.
11:26:25 Accepting that our bodies are going through transitions and surrendering to the changes.
11:26:32 And acknowledging that it's okay. To not have control of every single thing is a huge part of the transformation.
11:26:40 That people.
11:26:42 Would benefit going through that struggle with body, dysmorphia, or body image.
11:26:47 So the way that your body looks at 10 isn't supposed to be the way that your body looks at 15.
11:26:52 The way that your body looks at 15, the way that your body looks at 21.
11:26:57 And so on, and so forth.
11:26:59 So figuring out how to.
11:27:02 Surrender to that change and surrender, to.
11:27:06 Aging can be really helpful. And recognizing that everyone is going through this, it's not just you and your body.
11:27:15 It's also.
11:27:18 Every boy, every girl, every binary.
11:27:22 Non-binary.
11:27:25 Every non binary person.
11:27:28 Every person is going through changes and transitions in their body, whether they want to acknowledge it or not. It's happening every day.
11:27:39 So allowing yourself to just be grateful for the experience. And if you can't get to a place of being grateful again, acceptance, neutrality, surrendering to the experience that things are gonna change.
11:27:51 Your body goes through a huge transition.
11:27:55 As women. When you have a child.
11:27:58 So what your body looked.
11:28:00 Pre baby. Once your body looks baby very different. And there's this whole.
11:28:06 Mythologies, I feel like, exists.
11:28:09 Around. Oh, you have to like Bounce back. You have to get your body back after.
11:28:15 Baby. I don't know.
11:28:17 How this came about, or who decided that that was going to be a message that we pump out to women.
11:28:23 Like it's candy, but.
11:28:25 Your body is forever changed. You grew another human being.
11:28:32 In your body.
11:28:35 And your body grew whole. Extraordin.
11:28:38 In order to support the growth of an entire extra human.
11:28:42 And your ligaments and your tendons stretched.
11:28:47 And your hips widened and your breasts enlarged, and everything about your body changed.
11:28:56 The idea that after birth.
11:28:59 That you're supposed to somehow look the way you did.
11:29:03 Exactly the way you did. Pre baby.
11:29:07 Yeah, it's it's just not gonna happen.
11:29:11 You're you might have stretch marks. Your, you know, stomach in your muscle tissue could look different. Your testosterone estrogen levels are probably different. So things are also changing on your body that are related to that like.
11:29:27 It's just.
11:29:31 On!
11:29:36 It's just not reasonable to consider that your body is going to look the same.
11:29:41 Or it's not reasonable to imagine that things are just gonna snap right back, or ever snap back, or ever be the way that they were before. So again, this kind of goes back to my message about accepting the transitions and accepting that your body is going to change.
11:29:59 Now you might be getting feedback from other people about your body along the way. It could be positive it could be negative.
11:30:07 It's best to remember that people are oftentimes giving us feedback or comments based on their own beliefs about themselves.
11:30:16 And they're projecting onto us about how they feel about their own self when they give us feedback.
11:30:21 So, noting that.
11:30:24 And reminding yourself like, Okay, just because this person said a positive thing.
11:30:28 Like. Sure I can accept that, and I can listen to it, and, like I still have my own thought.
11:30:34 Lots and beliefs about myself or same on the other side. If someone says something negative. Okay, I hear that.
11:30:41 Like. Gonna see those words. I'm gonna acknowledge that they came into my purview. Acknowledge how they made me feel.
11:30:49 How they made my body feel what kind of thoughts and other narratives came up.
11:30:54 And I'm gonna come back to how I feel about my body, about how I feel, about my transitioning and my changing of my body.
11:31:04 So I just think it's really important to.
11:31:07 Acknowledge that your body will be talked about, or will be.
11:31:15 Noticed by other people, and that's oftentimes what triggers.
11:31:20 Disordered eating is the fear of what other people might think or say, or.
11:31:24 Whatnot, and to remember that even if someone does say something or think something, it's often.
11:31:32 Related to how they feel about themselves.
11:31:35 Because if they didn't judge themselves or didn't have ideas about.
11:31:41 Their own bodies. They probably wouldn't.
11:31:45 Even mention yours, so.
11:31:49 Feeling whole and complete in your own body, will allow you to just notice.
11:31:55 Assess responds.
11:31:58 And then come back to yourself.
11:32:01 And then come back to how you feel about your experience.
11:32:04 Of being a mom, or about your body changing.
11:32:08 Etc.
11:32:11 So overall. I think.
11:32:14 The biggest thing that I want to say about body, image and disorder, eating and changing.
11:32:21 And transitioning of the body over experiences, whether it's birth.
11:32:27 Or whether it's puberty, or what have you that happens in life?
11:32:33 Is just to be in a place of.
11:32:38 Allowing there to be change.
11:32:39 Accepting that there's going to be change.
11:32:42 Accepting that you cannot control every single thing that happens.
11:32:47 To your body.
11:32:49 And letting go of the idea that you can really control.
11:32:53 Anything.
11:32:55 Except for the way that you respond.
11:32:58 To something. Expect for the way that you cope with something.
11:33:04 And acknowledging that those are the limits of what's in your control can be really helpful.
11:33:10 I would love to continue this conversation.
11:33:12 With people who are listening. So if you have.
11:33:16 Thoughts or ideas, or you wanna potentially.
11:33:21 Pose a question that maybe didn't get answered, or maybe I began to answer it, but didn't fully answer it. I would love for you to.
11:33:31 Message me, because the amount of.
11:33:34 Comments and feedback that I got about my body during pregnancy and postpartum.
11:33:40 And even now, after 13 months of having my baby.
11:33:44 You know, you just get feedback from people you don't know how to respond to it all the time. So if that's you, or if you're going through puberty, or if you're going.
11:33:55 Through any sort of transition that impacts the way that you feel about your body, or you're experiencing disordered eating or an eating disorder. I really encourage you.
11:34:05 To seek help, feel free to email me questions. And I can hopefully help provide you resources for you to get the help that you might need or get.
11:34:14 Services that would be beneficial to you.
11:34:17 But remember, my overall message of this podcast is, you don't have to do this alone.
11:34:23 Let's build a community. Let's be a community member and support other people.
11:34:29 In their journey to.
11:34:32 Redefine who they are, redefine, how they feel about themselves, and come to a place of allowing transformation.
11:34:41 And surrendering to the constant changes that happen in life.
11:34:45 Alright. Well, I hope you all have a great week. And yeah, I hope you keep tuning in, because.
11:34:51 I'm really enjoying this experience.
11:34:55 Connecting with you all each week.

Episode 5: SAHM What inspired Heather Saylor to be a Stay at Home Mom

October 10, 2024 Stephanie Konter-O'Hara

In this episode, Heather reflects on the evolution of her life as a working mom, navigating the challenges, surprises, and deep love that comes with raising her daughter, Jocelyn.

Initial Career and Family Plans:
Heather started with big dreams for her career, envisioning a future where she could “have it all” — being a successful professional while also being a perfect mom. This plan included her husband stepping into the role of a stay-at-home dad, which wasn’t a traditional setup but one that suited them well.
The Reality of Motherhood:
Their plans drastically changed when Jocelyn was born, as both mother and daughter spent time in the ICU. Heather reflects on how those early months tested her expectations. While she had prepared with books, classes, and years of experience as a social worker, nothing could prepare her for the realities of raising a very sick baby, managing medical appointments, and pumping while working full-time.
The Shift to Stay-at-Home Mom:
As Jocelyn’s needs became more complex, Heather made the difficult decision to leave her job and stay home full-time. She describes the overwhelming mental load that came with managing her daughter’s health and her social work responsibilities simultaneously. Despite the challenges, staying home allowed them to find a new sense of family rhythm and connection.
Development and Milestones:
As Jocelyn grew, the milestones that once felt distant started to become a reality. Heather shares her pride as Jocelyn began to walk, run, and even climb, which gave her a renewed sense of hope. Despite early setbacks, Jocelyn is now thriving, and Heather feels immense joy witnessing her progress.
Community and Support:
One of the biggest shifts Heather has experienced is in her sense of community. While the early months felt isolating, she now finds strength and purpose in the connections she’s built with her neighbors and friends. Support from loved ones and regular playdates have given her a sense of balance and relief.
Self-Care and Embracing the Role:
Heather never expected to love being a stay-at-home mom, but over time, she’s found a deep sense of fulfillment in caring for her home, her family, and herself. Despite the challenges, she’s been able to cultivate self-care routines and build a strong sense of community around her.
A Reflection on Identity and Personal Growth:
Heather opens up about the intense, sometimes disorienting experience of losing her sense of self in the early days of motherhood. She describes how her social work background helped her through some of the toughest moments, though it wasn’t until she found the courage to "show up" for herself that she truly started to feel like her pre-baby self again.
Humorous Moments in Parenthood:
From shopping trips to crafting at Hobby Lobby with Jocelyn, Heather shares funny, lighthearted anecdotes about the new normal of being a mom to a toddler. She finds humor in the chaos and celebrates the little victories along the way.
Final Thoughts:
Heather closes with a reflection on how much she’s grown in her new role. While the transition into motherhood wasn’t easy, she now feels deeply connected to her family, her work as Jocelyn’s personal social worker, and her community.

Key Themes:

Parenthood and career shifts
Mental load of motherhood
Building community and support
Embracing unexpected changes
The evolution of self-identity
Celebrating milestones and small victories

If you’re navigating a similar journey, or even if you're just curious about the unpredictable adventure of being a parent, you won’t want to miss this heartfelt conversation.

Where to connect with Heather Saylor, LCSW

Website: www.heartdrivecolorado.com

Business Instagram: @home.madebyheather.co

Personal Instagram to follow her and Joceyln’s story: @hedrbear

“The mental load was really hard because I would leave the house and wonder if she was okay. I was managing her doctor’s appointments and communicating with the doctors, which I was equipped for as a social worker, but it was still overwhelming. I was managing a lot of her life while also managing other children’s lives. Before Jocelyn was born, I talked about those kids as my kids, and it was a big shift not to be as available to them.”

— Heather Saylor, LCSW

Welcome back to redefining us. I'm your host, Stephanie O'Hara, and here with me today I have Heather Sailor, who is currently a stay-at-home mom, and she's going to share with us her journey on becoming a stay-at-home mom. So, welcome!
Hi, thank you so much for inviting me. I'm so excited to talk to you today.
Yeah, I'm really excited, too. I feel like having a bunch of different perspectives and different journeys on here really will help normalize every experience. So, I was hoping to maybe start with where you started and then how you got here. So, yeah, start at the beginning.
Oh, gosh! The beginning! We'll start at the adult beginning.
Okay, that sounds good.
Where I went to college and graduated as a social worker.
Yes. That feels like a good or long back beginning.
Yeah. I was with my husband in college.
Oh, okay.
It's relevant because we had a conversation where I said, I'm really passionate about my career. I've got really big plans for the future. So if you're looking to sign on with me, you're signing on to be a stay-at-home dad. And I'm going to go to work. I want to have it all. I want to be a perfect mom. I want the perfect career. And I'm going to take the role by storm. And now I'm a stay-at-home mom.
Well, and you're still doing that. So.
Yes.
Thank you.
Yeah, so it sounds like your plans always were to be more of a career woman and a mom. And your husband sounded like he was okay with the idea of being a stay-at-home dad.
Yeah, when we were pregnant, which isn't necessarily the most traditional.
Yeah, it's not. And we love to buck the traditional norms. When we got married, we said, we don't want a traditional wedding. Is it traditional? I don't know if I want it. We got married during COVID in May of 2020, so it definitely wasn't very traditional.
But when we got pregnant, there was a lot of conversation, and it kept coming up with both of our families. It was a remarkable amount of conversation around the fact that I worked up until the day I went into labor.
I was texting my boss, like, no, I'm going to get off this meeting. The contractions aren't that bad? And she's like, no. I was like, no, you're right, I can't. They're actually getting worse. As a 1 o'clock meeting, my contractions started at like 11 am. So I ended up calling it a half day, but yeah, it was a remarkable amount of conversation within our families about the fact that I was going to be the primary caregiver. That was our plan—that I was going to work and I wanted to breastfeed, which was just the most insane choice. I see the insanity they thought in it now; it was really hard.
But that was our plan. And then Jocelyn was born against all odds. She and I were both in the ICU—long story short, heart surgery and a long hospital stay. Later, we come home, and it's hard to imagine a world outside of these four walls. When you are in these four walls with your baby, I still can't hold her enough. That’s just how I am. I'm a cuddly person, and I didn't get to cuddle her for the first couple of months. So every time I hold her, I think, Oh, I don't want to put you down. Just give me one more squeeze. And she's almost 2, so that's still going.
My work at the time was at Raise the Future, a nonprofit focused on family support and adoptions—something I'm very passionate about. I loved my job and always will. They gave me so much support when she was born, including additional time off and ensured I had insurance. My boss and coworkers even brought us meals and gift cards to get to and from the hospital.
Some of them wondered if I was going to come back to work, and when Jocelyn was almost 4 months old, just shy of it, I did go back. But that wasn't really working for our family a whole lot. I imagine trying to breastfeed, be the primary breadwinner, and also be a mom—that's a lot to have on your shoulders, a lot of mental load as well as the physical load.
I think the mental load was the worst part of it. Jocelyn was still learning how to eat, and I expected to breastfeed her and use my pump primarily when I was at the office. But it turned out I was mostly pumping. If anything could have looked different from what we planned, that’s what we got. Isn’t that motherhood? You think it's going to go one way, and then life throws you curveballs.
You really don’t know what it's going to be like until you're in the thick of it. You can have expectations, you can read books—I read all the books, went to parenting classes, and I’ve been reading about this since I was 19 because that’s my job. But here I am, primarily pumping for a very sick baby. We performed CPR on her several times in our first year, so I became quite good at that.
The mental load was really hard because I would leave the house and wonder if she was okay. I was managing her doctor’s appointments and communicating with the doctors, which I was equipped for as a social worker, but it was still overwhelming. I was managing a lot of her life while also managing other children’s lives. Before Jocelyn was born, I talked about those kids as my kids, and it was a big shift not to be as available to them.
At a visit, I was trying to enrich a child's life while worrying about Jocelyn and how I was going to pump during a two-hour drive to Pueblo. Things like that wore me down quickly, and I was constantly concerned.
I think my experience as a therapist and being someone who's client-facing in a care profession created this division. I was no longer just caring about the person in front of me but also worrying about my husband, my child, and my clients. The mental load felt heavy, as if I was responsible for everyone’s emotions.
When we made the switch, my last day at Raise the Future was last October, and Jocelyn was about 9 months old. We had the savings to just be home, and my husband went back to work in December, working from home. That allowed us to enjoy time as a family that we hadn’t had when she was born. When he returned to work, she was turning a year old, and things really started to look different.
Kids change so rapidly. People say you blink and suddenly they're different, but it’s much more minute and constant. Jocelyn in September was not the same as she was in January. She’s not even a baby anymore; she’s a toddler now, and it's wild to adapt to that.
I was saying to my husband this morning, can we still call her a baby? I’m feeling really emotionally attached to this stage. One of Jocelyn's therapists referred to this time as "taby," the transition between toddler and baby. It’s a hard transition, and accepting that your baby is different even from a month ago can be a huge adjustment.
Jocelyn recently got to the point where she can comfortably reach surfaces, which is fun and chaotic, especially when she knocks things off tables. Sure! Here’s your text without the timestamps:
The dining room table, the cabinet. She's walking up and pulling stuff off, and this is just the highlight of her day. She's like so capable. And she really is.
Yeah, I imagine that's a very good feeling for you, after the first few months, first year of life being so challenging.
Yeah, she's incredible. And I have a cold. I'm sick today. So today we were supposed to have physical therapy and feeding. This morning's really a morning girl.
And I let them both know, I was sick. Come at your own risk. She's running on all cylinders. She's ready to go, happy to see you, but if you don't want to be exposed, I highly respect that.
I canceled her physical therapy, and her physical therapist said, I'm really not worried. If you're comfortable with only having one session this month, then I'm comfortable with it.
The second she learned how to walk, she started running and wanting to jump. She's been climbing since she could crawl, but she's getting more effective at it. It was almost as if this is what she was designed for. That's such a stupid thing to say. She's a human. Of course she was, but she knew it. The whole time was really hard; all these milestones were really hard for her, really delayed. But the moment she started to walk, she started to catch up.
And I mean, really get on track. Feeding therapy was rescheduled for Thursday. That's not on track, but she's such a smart and capable little girl. It is really exciting to see.
Yeah, I imagine that makes you a proud mama, too.
Oh, so much! I can't imagine not being proud of her. I look back as Google will give you those memories on your photos and videos, you know? And so I'll look back like, oh, a year ago she was just rolling over.
That's wild.
I was so excited; I was cheering for her. If you've seen the Bluey episode, that is a perfect example of how silly a parent can get. Like, look at me, crawl! Look at me, rollover! You wanna do some of this? It doesn't look good.
I actually just saw that episode a couple of days ago.
It's so fun! I love it. Bluey really meant for my husband and me, because Ella is not really watching it. So we thoroughly enjoy that as our own entertainment while she dances to the song.
That's sweet. Yeah, we were kind of in that zone. We first put it on like, oh, this is kind of fun. And like Bluey rules. We sit down for breakfast, and the second she gets bored with whatever we're doing at breakfast time, it's Bluey. Today. Good. I'm like, no! And I try to save Bluey for the afternoons so that she can watch it and be kind of engrossed in it when I'm cooking dinner.
And there are 6-minute episodes. So every 6 minutes, we get to interact and check in and dance to the intro song, and it's a lot of fun.
Yeah, it really sounds like you feel like you’ve come into your own with the stay-at-home mom role.
Oh, I love it! I did not expect to love it. I really thought before having kids that I would be going crazy. I'd be going stir crazy. I would be like, my numb's like bored. And I'm sure that people find those things. They have that experience as a stay-at-home mom; it's a very real experience, and that's what I expected for me.
When she was bored, she became very fulfilling for social work. So silly, like as a social worker, I'm like she meets all of my skills and needs as a career-driven person. I have to do all of the things I've done for 30 kids for her, and I'm doing all of it for her, whereas I might do bits and pieces for a caseload. So that was another thing that made it feel like a very natural transition is I am her personal social worker, and that gives me the biggest smile. It makes me feel like the most important person ever. What more important job is there? That's so cool to me.
But more important than that, I have found ways to really care for myself while staying at home with her. And to care for my home and my friends in my community. I've been able to really put effort and love into that, and make it a strong community. By giving support and receiving support, I have so much less worry now than I did a year ago. A year ago, we felt very isolated and overwhelmed and didn’t know how we were going to do this. And now I feel so connected and valued and purposeful.
A lot of that is really from the community where I know that we can call on Aunt Claire when we need something for Jocelyn. We get to pick up Claire's girls from school on Wednesdays and walk home. We get to get together at the park, and she has all these valuable relationships that enrich her life so much more than I can.
Like she’s being involved in the community just as much as you are.
Right! Anything I do pretty much, she also does. And that has been maybe the biggest challenge of being a stay-at-home mom, is that everything you do, you do with a baby or toddler. She's a toddler now. But grocery shopping—I once in my craft store fix, I don’t craft that much, but I craft just enough to really enjoy being in a Michaels or Hobby Lobby or Joann’s. I wasn't finding that time because the time that my husband is off from work and I might do a couple of solo things, they weren't crafts.
So I finally stuck her in the cart. I hooked up her G-tube feed. I've gotten very strategic about that so that we're doing it all the way through Hobby Lobby. I get my craft store fix, and it is a challenge having a toddler in Hobby Lobby, but it is one that I'm willing to take on.
That’s fair.
Yeah, I'm kind of thinking about this community thing. When I first had Ella, I’m assuming a lot of moms and dads experience this. When they first have a baby, it does feel like people are there because people say that they’re there, but you're so in it that you don't see them there.
And then—
No, you have tunnel vision.
Yes, you have tunnel vision, and then as soon as the dust settles, just even a little bit and then you get your feet under you. That's really, I think how I felt for a long time is like, Oh, wow! I finally have my feet under me again. Now I can talk to people. I can be a human. And then it's like, okay. The dust is settled. My world is still. I've got a handle on things. What else can I do?
Yeah, I don't know if you felt this, but for me, like I didn't even feel like myself for the first several months. My baby didn't even have any medical complications, right? Just myself, as like a human in adapting to this new life. Like, I didn't even feel like I could. I mean, obviously I knew that I was Stephanie O'Hara, but I didn't feel like Stephanie. I felt like this weird version of myself that was just, like you said, grasping the dirt and pulling myself forward every day.
I refer to the first six days of Jocelyn's life as the time when I wasn't a person. I was human, but I wasn't a person. I did not exist, like me, Heather. She wasn't here. My body was here, and I was going through it, and I was taking in information, and I was giving information out. But I remember vividly the morning of her sixth day of life when I woke up in her CICU room, and I put on jeans, a T-shirt, brushed my hair, washed my face, and put on this necklace that my doula gave me that she passed on to find strength and healing. I put that on, and I showed up to rounds with the doctors that day. I was showing up. Now I have to.
And I also at that time would tell people, I'm a social worker right now. The social worker turned back on before Heather did because she's been through insane crises. She's stood in blood-spattered homes, removed children, healed children, and given children back. So she's been through some tough stuff. I knew she could handle this.
Yeah, that version of you could be tapped on easier, right? Like this one can do it. And then, months later, I started to feel like me again and started to find myself. I feel like a lot of that after conversation that my husband and I had recently is getting to know yourself as a parent. People tell me a lot that it's amazing to see the mother that you've grown into, to see how you've changed, how you've responded to all of these challenges. And I don't actually feel that different because I feel like me again. But I think I feel like me again because I've gotten to know me and who I am now, just like you've gotten to know who you are as Ella's mom.
Yeah, and that got to align back to the Stephanie that you knew already.
Yeah, I feel like you're gonna make me tear up saying that, right? But I do think it's so true. It's like you figure out who you are now as this mom or this parent. Because who you are now is different than even like the pregnant version of you. Right? Like your pregnant self had one idea of what this was gonna look like. But then, when you're in it, you know. We've already said this. It's not like that.
No, and not every expectation is ridiculous or obscene. Like you're changing diapers, you're feeding a baby, you're not sleeping. Those things all happen in some form or another.
Yes. In the context that my husband and I spoke about, we've been working a lot the past few months—really heavily on our relationship and our marriage—because it definitely took the back burner. To say it took the back burner is generous; it wasn’t on the stove. It was not a priority in the most remote fashion. Survival was the priority. And then our individual selves, along with our daughter, were the priority. Once again we got a handle on things, we got to say, Oh, hi! Good to see you again. You've been here the whole time. Let's chat.
One of these conversations kind of led us to talking about how me as a mom is still getting to know him as a dad. Because we are both different, but we don't feel different. When we look at each other, he is different. And when he looks at me, I am different, though I don't feel that way. He feels more comfortable in his role as a dad than anything else because that's what he needed to be for so long.
So he's still finding that. And I think a big part of that was talking about and opening up to the fact that we had a lot of separation and a lot of unique experiences at the get-go. When we came back together as a family, there was this new person here with all these new challenges that needed us more than anything. Now that we are getting to know ourselves, we get to share that with each other and finally get to know each other again.
It's like your relationship—I was thinking about this concept the other day or the other week about how my husband was one person before, and now he's a different person. That’s because we have this whole other person in our lives. I knew conceptually, you know, logically, that a baby is a whole other human. But I don’t think you really know what that means until you have a whole other human that is now a part of your relationship, right? Until you're met with their personality up against your personalities, and that starts to come out.
I think a new part of our own personalities comes out. People will tell you when they talk to me that I've always been a mom in a lot of ways. My sister is 13 years younger than me, and I had the blessing of being able to help raise her. All the kids I've been a part of their lives, I've practiced parenting. So I got a lot of that practice in for a very long time before she was born. But I have never seen my husband as a dad. So he became a dad, and he's never really seen me be a full-time mom, like a mama bear, until she came around. It's like, yeah, I'll get protective over her.
There’s this one boy I don’t want to put his name out there if he doesn't agree with it, but I jokingly call him my first born because he was one of my first kids in social work. I met him when he was 14, and he still calls me and talks to me about his wife and their little one. You know, just how to get through. He'll call me Mama Heather, and I would get protective over him. I would show up for him in ways that I didn't for other people before. And then she came along, and it was like, whoa! We thought that was a lot. This is another level. This is like part of my body outside of my body.
That's a very good way of describing it. I remember early on, I was having a conversation with one of the therapists on my team, and I was like, it feels now like I have a baby and then like a real baby. Because I consider my business like my baby, and I've taken so much time nurturing it, spending time building relationships and caring for the people that work for me. I just can't do it differently; everything is very heart-led when it comes to working with people. It feels like an actual child, my business.
And so then when I had a real child, I was like, Oh, wow! These two things are like really competing against one another. I love the people that work for me, and I love my work, like you talked about. And then there’s also this other human being that I deeply love. It feels like my heart is outside of my body, and that push and pull is just so strong.
It's so hard. I really didn't start using the word blessed until the past couple of months because it really made me angry at the start. Trauma can really mess you up. I am a Christian; I consider myself a religious person. But I really did not want to hear the lick of that when my world was turned upside down. Things like everything happens for a reason made me so angry. It wasn’t even because of what happened to my child. My child has a prosthetic part of her heart that is human tissue from another child. When someone told me, "That's amazing, everything happens for a reason," I got so angry because it's like, why is my child's life more important than that little boy's? Why do I get my child, and that person doesn't? As a social worker, as a mom, as a human, the injustice there never really leaves you.
But I will say, like I am so blessed to have so many opportunities that I've had to get us to this point, and one of those is that I had the ability to put my career on hold and say, "Hold please. These are people's lives." They don't go on hold. But I'm not doing them justice. I'm not serving them to their fullest. What could we do to make sure that they're taken care of? Because I needed to take care of someone else. And not everyone has that opportunity.
Yeah. I'm really, really blessed to have been able to take this time and to have the capacity to do it.
Well, I'm so glad that you shared your journey with us and made us all tear up, probably a little bit, and make our hearts feel warm. I really hope that, you know, like I said earlier, your and Jocelyn's and your husband's experience just keeps being full and rich, and you get to go outside, hang out with friends more often.
Oh, yeah, I appreciate that. We have a very busy schedule now between her playdates, gymnastics, and doctor's appointments, so I definitely don't have a lot of downtime, which is good for someone like me.
But I will find time to feed you and your family, too, because I can't talk about feeding people and then not feed you. So I would love to feed you too.
Oh, thank you. I appreciate that.
Well, I feel like I'm pretty good at it.
It's good. Well, thank you so much for being on, and if you want to contact me, or if people want to find you or follow your story, where can they do that?
Yeah. So we do have an Instagram. People keep telling me to make one special for her, but right now it's just my Instagram that I made when I was, what, 18 years old, 17 years old? It's at header. Hedr. BEAR.
But we also have a website, colorado.com. We did a toy drive for Children's Hospital in honor of Jocelyn's 1st heart day, which in the cardiac world is a time when you have your 1st heart surgery. So in honor of that, we really wanted to give back to the families that are there now and going through that again because, like Jocelyn, a lot of kids have that multiple times. She's estimated to have 3 or 4 more heart surgeries in her life to continue to replace that prosthetic piece.
So that website is up year-round, and it will just become more enhanced next year when it comes time to do her second. It's a great place to learn more about congenital hearts, Children's Hospital Colorado, and Jocelyn's story. I made the website myself, so it works pretty well, but it's rudimentary. I would love it if people would check that out.
Now that I'm seeing it out loud, I should reach out to some other folks and see about putting maybe their kiddos’ stories on there. Because once you step into the cardiacs, you realize how full it is, how big it is, and how many people are here. But when you're outside of it, you don't know it exists; you don't really think about it.
And just one last plug: there's a poem called "Welcome to Holland." It's a beautiful piece to read or listen to. It talks about stepping into new worlds and has given me a lot of solace and comfort in becoming a special needs mom. It's really a great poem, so I just wanted to put that out there.
Okay, well, I'll definitely link all that information in our show notes and on our website so people can find it even easier. I'll also find a copy of that poem and put it on there so people can access it easily. Thank you so much for taking your time to be on today. I hope everyone feels inspired and connects with the toy drive and shares their generosity and warm hearts with kids in need.
Yeah, if not Children's Hospital Colorado, maybe just a kid near you.
That's true. Well, thank you again.

Episode 4: Acting in Alignment with Ourselves

September 26, 2024 Stephanie Konter-O'Hara

In this powerful episode, we dive deep into the recurring theme of women feeling the need to change or abandon parts of themselves in order to “keep the peace” at work, in relationships, or with friends and family. So many of us find ourselves bending over backwards, shrinking, or silencing our needs to fit into spaces that aren’t aligned with who we are. But what happens when we stop acting from a place of misalignment and start honoring our true selves?

Key Takeaways:

The Strain of Misalignment: Many women feel pressured to abandon their boundaries and authenticity in order to fit in or be seen as successful or worthy. This constant pressure can lead to feelings of doubt, exhaustion, and a deep sense of betrayal toward oneself.
Challenge the Narrative: It’s time to reject the toxic message that we need to change to be accepted. When we stand firm in who we are and act in alignment with our values, the relationships or environments around us will either adapt or fall away—and that’s okay.
Real-Life Example: Stephanie shares a story of a woman who constantly feels like she has to work harder, ignore her emotions, and overfill her plate to be seen as “enough.” This cycle of striving ultimately leads to burnout and a sense of inadequacy.
Creating Space for Authenticity: True peace and safety come from environments where we can show up as our authentic selves. Whether it means leaving a toxic job, setting boundaries in relationships, or creating a healthier environment, we deserve spaces where we are valued and seen.
What’s Holding You Back?: Stephanie encourages listeners to evaluate their current spaces and relationships. If they aren’t aligned with your true self and values, it may be time to ask: “Is it worth staying?”.
The Journey to Ease: Transitioning from toxic environments to spaces of peace is not easy. It requires identifying what kind of environment feels safe, setting boundaries, and learning to rest. But in that journey, we find more peace, more ease, and a version of ourselves that thrives.

“Relationships are a huge part of every person’s life and oftentimes, in relationships, women can carry the emotional burden unevenly compared to other people in the relationships.”

— Stephanie Konter-O'Hara, LPC

Reflection Questions:

Are there areas in your life where you feel like you have to abandon yourself to fit in?
What would it look like to act in alignment with your true self every day?
How can you create or seek spaces that honor your boundaries, authenticity, and emotional safety?

Stephanie’s message is a call to step away from the toxic hustle culture and the pressure to conform, and instead, to embrace ease, peace, and self-alignment. When we honor who we truly are, we not only transform our own lives but also positively impact those around us.

Join the Conversation: We’d love to hear from you! How are you acting in alignment with yourself? What shifts are you making to honor your boundaries and create peace? Share your thoughts and experiences with us on social media and let’s keep redefining what it means to live authentically.

Figured I'd pop on and discuss something that has been happening. And a lot of relationships. Relationships are a huge part of every person's life. And oftentimes, in relationships, women can carry the emotional burden unevenly compared to other people in the relationships.
What I've seen a lot in my experience of working with people on their relationships is this sense of duty or pride, maybe, of avoiding guilt by always being present and available, letting people act in whatever way they want in order to stay in the relationship. Whether that's a romantic one, a parent-child relationship, a friendship, or a work relationship. Not to ignore other genders or orientations, either.
People might find themselves sacrificing who they are and abandoning themselves to maintain relationships and keep the peace. And I don't know, I'm just kind of tired of that happening, and people putting themselves on some sort of mission to stay in relationships that aren't productive for them.
I've seen this in parent-child relationships, where the child feels like they need to shut down a part of themselves to be in a relationship with their parents. They mask, minimize, or hide who they are in order to show up for family events like Thanksgiving or family vacations. And I don't know, I’m just feeling like if we can’t even be ourselves around our parents, who can we be ourselves around?
That fear that holds you back from showing up as yourself needs to be listened to, nurtured, and healed so you can show up in that dynamic as yourself. I've been finding more and more women coming into my office and talking about not being able to be themselves at work. They feel like they need to put on this busy performance hat where they are just productive, make no noise, and engage in a frantic feeling where they have to abandon themselves and act out of alignment with their morals or ethics.
A theme I've been noticing is that women in relationships—whether with their boss, parents, partners, or friends—are coming into sessions and exploring why they feel so exhausted, burnt out, frustrated, and depressed. It all comes back to this general theme of women feeling like they need to abandon themselves and act out of alignment with their character, morals, or ethics to get along or stay in relationships with people and organizations that may not deserve that.
Maybe they don't need to change who they are to fit into the greater organization or relationship. What would it be like to act in alignment with yourself even when the message is to change or be something different, especially when your morals, ethics, and personality characteristics are involved?
A theme that I've been noticing a lot in my work recently is women feeling they have to change or abandon themselves or act out of alignment with themselves to keep the peace, whether at work or in their relationships with partners, friends, or family. Somehow, they make themselves smaller or fit into a mold that doesn’t help their well-being. They bend over backwards, adjust their boundaries, and begin to doubt themselves because someone else is telling them to behave in a way that doesn’t align with who they are or their boundaries.
I say, forget that narrative. Show up in alignment with your moral

Episode 3: Navigating the Journey

September 12, 2024 Stephanie Konter-O'Hara

In this heartfelt episode, we dive into the transformative journey of motherhood. Host Stephanie Konter-O'Hara opens up about her own experiences of navigating the challenges and beauty of becoming a mother for the first time.

Stephanie normalizes the struggles and triumphs of motherhood, reminding us that we're not alone. Whether you're a new mom, a mom-to-be, or simply someone interested in the motherhood experience, this episode is full of wisdom, validation, and support.

Key Topics Discussed:

Navigating Motherhood for the First Time
Facing the Inner Critic
The Power of Letting Go

Special Announcement: Stephanie is launching a Pregnancy and Postpartum Support Group in January. If this episode resonates with you, be sure to reach out to learn more about how to connect with other women during this life-changing time.

Please leave us a review or rating! These help get the show out to more women. We hope this show finds other women like you wanting to have these conversations.

Would you like to chat more about this episode's topic? I would love to continue our conversation over on Instagram! @wellmindedcounseling

If you're a new mom looking for community, and local to Colorado, come join us in January for an in-person group that's made to support women on the journey to and through motherhood. Enrollment begins December 1st and final time to sign up for group will be December 30, 2024.

“I just think it’s so disorienting when you have a life that you had clearly planned out and you thought that your plan involved a baby, and you could figure out how to do it with the baby, and then turns out.

Ha! Ha! Jokes on you! It’s not gonna go like you thought it was and really trying to let go and surrender to that is hard.

”

— Stephanie Konter-O'Hara

Where to find more from Redefining Us:
Website: wellmindedcounseling.com/redefining-us-pod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/wellmindedcounseling
Instagram: @wellmindedcounseling

Hey All welcome back!
To redefining us.
I am wanting to talk about today, Few different things.
One of them is navigating motherhood for the 1st time. Another is talking about your inner critic, and talking about letting go.
So I'll 1st start talking about, Figuring out who you are as a new mom. A lot of people and her motherhood with. Rose colored glasses. Or they enter it with a lot of fear or potentially some loneliness.
Some feelings of "How the heck am I going to do this."
So I think having a group of other women who are going through similar things as you could be really helpful.
Because zooming motherhood alone, even if you have your partner, and even if you have your parents or your other friends that aren't moms.
For people who have been moms for a long time. That's not the same experience that having women who are going through the journey simultaneously as you is. Because it's really easy to forget what it feels like to be a new mom, the hormones that are going on, the fears that are going on, the changes that are going on. The physical experience of recovering from becoming a mom.
It's just a lot all at once and I think it's easy to forget with time, with healing with space and It's not like anything else.
So if there's, you know friends in your life who haven't become a mother. It's gonna be very difficult for them to relate to what the experience is like and I'm not saying this to make you feel more isolated. I'm just saying this to highlight like it's a huge transformation. I don't think that I've been through anything quite like it.
I know sometimes people compare Like menopause, or going through puberty to something that is comparable hormonally.
That becoming a mother is like, but I think, because motherhood is on its own time. It's not like, Oh, everybody's going through puberty between the ages of like 13 and 16, or everyone is going through menopause around midlife, like you can become a mom. A wide variety of ages.
And a wide variety of seasons in your life, and so having other people who are in similar seasons Or similar times, I think, is really valuable.
Because it's so unpredictable, like you just don't know how you're gonna feel, during pregnancy during birth, during postpartum.
You can't really plan for what the experience is like.
Don't know whether you're gonna feel nauseous. Your whole pregnancy. You don't know whether or not you're gonna feel blown and energetic. Your entire pregnancy.
You don't know whether or not you're gonna have a birth trauma cause that's widely out of your hands. You can do so many things to prepare for birth and things can still not go as you envisioned.
And then postpartum again. I don't think there's any really good handbook for exactly how it goes. Obviously there are people who have been through postpartum, and have had experiences of having a baby and what it's like to their lives. But I think it's all just so unique is my point and having a group of other women that are going through it. Similarly around the same time is, I think, really and having those resources is super helpful.
Yeah, I think comforting to be like, Oh, wow! Like, I'm not Alone, because motherhood can feel Really, you have this new human being that you are now set up to take care of. Literally what feels like forever for the 1st time. You go from being potentially like a carefree person who really has to worry about themselves. Maybe a dog's maybe a cat.
Maybe a job, maybe their partner. But for the most part you're living barely untethered and then suddenly, you have this child what feels like very quickly, and even if you plan for even if you yearn for it.
Even, if you've been waiting for years, it's still a huge transition, and I guess I wanted to really highlight that point, that it's not like anything else I've ever experienced. At least I can't speak for all women obviously. So I intentionally went around to find other women who are going through that experience at the same time as myself. I went online. I looked for groups. I looked for
I looked for ways that I could connect with other women who. We're going through the process at the same time. And honestly, I think that was a lot of my saving grace.
In my experience, because there was moments late at night, especially when you're sleep deprived, and up at 3 Am. Feeding your baby you're like going through all of these thoughts and all of these feelings. And for me I was like, Oh, my gosh! Like how does anyone do this.
Like, truly, how does anyone do this like, how is this possible to do.
If you had to do it truly alone. There were so many times during postpartum the thoughts myself. I am someone who's so lucky to have a partner, to have family, to have friends that I have.
Because some women don't have that like, how do people manage childcare? If they're not well resourced, whether it's with time, money, or people like I just don't know like the society's just not set up to be surrounded by people, unless you intentionally find people this day and age.
And so, anyways, I really felt like I had shedded a skin of What Stephanie Pre Baby was, and was slowly figuring out how to fit into this new outfit, this new role. As being a mom and slowly figuring out like, Okay, this is where it zips. And this is where buttons. And this is where it ties.
This part feels a little tight. This feels a little loose, this feels a little scratchy and Yeah, kind of what felt like really muddling my way through it, despite trying my best to find resources to make me feel less alone and less like gosh! This is a scary experience.
And of course, my experience is different than others, and or other people might have the same experience. But for me I experienced some postpartum OCD. Which really looks like some thoughts around my health, around her health, around safety, just having to do mental gymnastics, to talk myself out of being worried, Being scared to the point where I couldn't sleep Yeah, I was afraid of Mastitis, which is an infection in your breast when you're breastfeeding, that can cause sickness and fever for yourself, and then blocked milk, which are painful, and then can inhibit feeding your baby If you're breastfeeding, so yea I was afraid of that. I was afraid of falling down the stairs. I was afraid of SID's. I was afraid of everything like oh, my Godness, she's gonna get a cold! Oh, my goodness! She's gonna suffocate! Oh, my goodness. I'm gonna not be able to do this because I'm sleep deprived like I'm so dizzy I'm going to fall over. I'm so tired I can't think, and, like the list went on and on, and on and on and on.
And I looked for resources, and I tried to join groups and I'm sure if I had the energy and the resources and the mental capacity that I do now, it would have been easier to do that, but I Did look for a support group and I even did an intake. I'm a support group, and that never came into anything.
I finally decided, I'm gonna sign up for training. Since I'm a therapist to learn about postpartum. So maybe if I can learn about postpartum learn about the experience of becoming a mom, that I could not only help myself, but help others.
And then I, of course, joined some mom groups and connected with other moms in the community Who are becoming moms at the same time.
I was going to try to go to some mommy and me classes. But oh, my goodness, talk about a struggle getting out of the house. Like with a newborn like. I barely could do that like getting her in the car was a such a task What felt like a hurdle or a barrier to get my needs met.
I would do it for her like I would bring her to the doctors, and I would you know bring her to all of the appointments that were necessary, put to get out of the house and do something for me in those early days really hard.
So I think, figuring out how you can connect With other women during pregnancy. So you can maintain those relationships in postpartum. Is truly in my experience. What helped me stay sane.
11:36:58 And even if it was only just shooting someone, a text or messaging in a group chat or setting up a virtual call like those things helped.
Those things mattered yhe follow up the check ins like, how are you doing? What's going on like? Talk to me.
I think, yeah, that kept me together and maybe some people don't need that but I needed that.
And just even though after, the Newborn phase like figuring out, how am I going to reenter work.
How am I going to drop my baby off at daycare and not miss her all day?
How am I going to transition from solely breastfeeding her to having her drink bottles at daycare?
That was a process.
How to figure out work, life, balance?
Once I did have childcare how to figure out how to be a leader in my organization, when my brain was preoccupied with how my baby was doing?
It's I don't know a whirlwind, and I'm about to be a year out from becoming a mom. My baby's birthdays in a few days and I think I'm still trying to figure it out. I'm still reflecting on what my life looks like now, and trying to project how I can set myself up for success.
Because I just think it's so disorienting when you have a life that you had clearly planned out and you thought that your plan involved a baby, and you could figure out how to do it with the baby, and then turns out.
Ha! Ha! Jokes on you! It's not gonna go like you thought it was and really trying to let go and surrender to that.
And to show up for yourself. And myself, and to show it for my baby. To show up for my husband, to show up for my family and dogs, and friends. Just looks a lot different than what I think I planned. And just yeah, letting go trying to be in the flow of that. That is something that I think is more important now that I'm a mom than it was before, like I would hear, oh, just like being in the flow, and don't resist what comes natural to you, and being your feminine energy. And all this stuff. And I was like, Yeah, that all sounds great. I think I'm doing that. I think I'm going with my flow. But upon reflection, I really think I was just forcing a lot of things.
I was forcing work, I was forcing friendships. I was forcing myself to do things that I thought were helping me check off the boxes of what it meant to be successful, and I think those things maybe still make me think that. Though doing those things, or being in those places, and having those conversations, aligning myself with certain people in the community, will help me be successful. Still. But I think it's just less push than I had before. And it's not that I think old Stephanie was doing it wrong. I just think new Stephanie and new Mom has different priorities. And that's okay. And getting to the place where I can say, like, that's okay is still a work in progress.
And yeah, I guess I just wanna honor those that are listening that have been through similar transformation or have are about to go through becoming a mom, or in the thick of it, figuring out what it's like to be a mom like. Yeah, your journey might be different than mine. But it's definitely going to be a journey. It's not just like a light switch where one day you're you! And the next day. Your mom, and you know exactly what to do, and you're figuring it out, and you're badass at it, like, I think it really is a process of shedding your old clothes and shedding your old skin, and shedding your old identity, and putting on a new one, or finding a new one and living into your new one. So, yeah, I just wanted to normalize all of that experience and validate those that are going through it.
Gosh! What a wild, wild ride! Like. I don't think there's anything else to use to classify the experience or to explain the experience except calling it a wild ride. And yeah, I think it's helped me getting more in touch with my boundaries. Getting more in touch with how I want to spend my time, but I think now, though the holes or the gaps that I'm experiencing is like what makes me feel fulfilled now. What helps me feel productive.
Now. What's going to take me from where I am today to who I need to be like next week, next year. For myself. And for my family. Because I think I was just coasting before all of this, and just like, I don't know. I was still doing the best I can, and I was still showing up for other people. But now I almost think there has to be a different way that I show up. And then a different way that women who are moms can show up for themselves and for others that doesn't lead to feeling burnt out, or overstimulated, or overwhelmed, because trust me, you're already gonna be there just by living your life.
But then, when you add on work, and friends and family, the limits of which you can do will probably just feel like less. And honoring that. They're not forcing yourself to keep the life that you had before, but it just seems to the life that you have now. I was having a conversation with someone at a dinner party, and they were telling me that a friend of theirs was really resistant to changing their life post-baby and to just bring your baby with her everywhere and would just kind of grin and bear it, and pull herself up by her bootstraps. And I thought to myself, like, that's that woman's journey. That's that woman's experience. That's maybe what she wants. But like I. Parents say that. That's how I want my journey to be. I can't live in alignment with myself and show up how I used to show up with other people. I can't just pull myself up by my bootstraps and smile. Like, I need more time for rest.
I need more time for flowing in my energy. I need more time for being the mom that I want to be like. Again, going back to the dinner party, I was starting to find myself feeling a little guilty for wanting to go home rather than stay out and be there to help put my baby to bed, because I know there's only a certain amount of days or years that my baby’s gonna want me there to help put her to bed. And I don't know. I got sentimental and a little sad about feeling like that. Time is limited. And I wanna be there for that. I don't wanna miss out on that. And sure, maybe I missed out on coming to play board games or going out to spend more social time with my friends. But in that moment, that's what I felt like I needed to do.
And so, rather than push that feeling down, or push that thought down, I let myself go home to be with my baby, to help put her to bed. Maybe other times my choice will be different. Maybe other times I'll feel the need to stay out and be present with my friends. And I think it's just, I don't know, ebbing, flowing with where you are, and what feelings and what thoughts you're having, rather than resisting it. And just like truly surrendering to the experience of where you are. And just like riding that wave. As a trained DBT therapist, there's a coping skill and emotion called riding the wave, and I kind of see a lot of themes and ties back to that coping skill of riding the wave and motherhood. Because it's not a straight line. It's not a clear path. It's like an ocean that waves come at different cadences and at different heights, and different temperatures, and you just have to ride it and flow with it, and be with it.
At least in my experience, and I would assume a lot of other women's experience too. Because the more you force and the more you plan, and the more you think it's gonna go a certain way, I think the less peace you probably have, and perspective, and the less, yeah, the word peace just keeps coming back to me. I think if we continue to force and live in that more masculine energy, or that more high achieving productive energy, the more anxious we're gonna feel, the more burnt out we're gonna feel, the more displeased we'll feel.
And we're robbing ourselves, or I could rob myself from joy and peace and surrender, and being in the moment. Just letting things flow as they come. And letting things fall and rise as they will. And just being on the journey of becoming the woman that I'm I guess meant to be. As a mom, as a leader, as a wife, as just me. So, yeah, I hope that was helpful and helps to normalize and validate any new mom's experience.
Or potentially help shed some light on what it could be like for you when you become a mom, or if you decide to become a mom. And yeah, these are a lot of things that I'm gonna be talking about in my pregnancy and postpartum support group that is gonna start up in January.
And I just kind of wanted to reach out to any of the listeners that might be tuning in to give them some ideas of the themes that will be discussed in the group, and I really hope that if this landed with you that you'll reach out to find out more. Because I think it's gonna be a really good time to connect with yourself. As a woman, as a mom, as a future mom. Because abandoning yourself to follow what the crowd is doing, or to abandon yourself to follow what other people say you should do, rather than follow what you think you need to do to be in alignment with you in your process, is just gonna leave you feeling more lonely and more empty.

And, Staying, connected, To your intuition, And then who you want to be.
I think, is the best gift that you can give yourself during this experience, of this new becoming. Alright, thanks for listening.

Episode 2: The Value of Building Connections with Dayna Sammartino, LPC

September 12, 2024 Stephanie Konter-O'Hara

Welcome back to Redefining Us! In today's episode, we’re diving deep into the heart of human connection with our guest, Dayna Sammartino, a licensed professional counselor practicing in both Colorado and Ohio.

Dayna brings her expertise and passion for the topic of connection, exploring why it's essential for our well-being and how it impacts our mental health. With a rich background in counseling, she’s seen firsthand how loneliness and a lack of meaningful relationships can affect people, particularly as they age or go through life changes.

In this engaging conversation, Dayna discusses:

The decline in close friendships and the reasons behind it.
The concept of "perceived loneliness" and how it differs from actual isolation.
Cognitive distortions that can contribute to feelings of loneliness and social anxiety.
Practical tips for fostering and maintaining connections, including social experiments and mindful communication.

We also touch on the surprising statistics about loneliness among different demographics, including young women during the pandemic, and discuss strategies for breaking free from routine to create meaningful connections.

Whether you're struggling with feelings of loneliness, looking to enhance your relationships, or just curious about the science behind social connections, this episode offers valuable insights and actionable advice. Join us for a thoughtful conversation on how to redefine and deepen our connections with others.

Episode Highlights:

Dayna shared different interventions people can use to help ease loneliness
Dayna shared how prevalent and common feeling disconnected from others in todays society
Dayna shared the long term impacts of not having healthy connections with others can impact your physical health
Dayna runs groups at WellMinded Counseling to help bridge the gap for adults that struggle with connection and mental health

Guest links:

Where to find more from Dayna Sammartino, LPC:

Website: wellmindedcounseling.com/dayna-specailities

Facebook: www.facebook.com/wellmindedcounseling

Email: dayna@wellmindedcounseling.com

“ I encourage a lot of my clients to almost even kind of do like social experiments like trying something new. ”

— Dayna Sammartino, LPC

Host: Welcome back to redefining us today I have with me Dana Sammartino. She's a license professional counselor in both Colorado and Ohio, and she's here to talk to us about connection, and why it's so important that we have connection with other people so welcome. Dayna.

Dayna: Thank you. Thanks so much for having me on. I'm excited to be here, and I love talking about connections. So yeah, I'm looking forward to it.
Host: Awesome. Yeah, what is really made you passionate about this topic, and why you think it's valuable for our listeners to hear about.

Dayna: Sure, so.
As a therapist. I have had a lot of clients come in to therapy due to feelings of loneliness, lack of connection.
Wanting to build friendships, and I've also noticed, too.
It seems like the older some of my clients become, the less connection they have unfortunately. So I like to talk with clients about ways to kind of identify those feelings, and maybe some interventions even about how to Find lasting connection in their lives.

Host: Yeah, I've noticed that trend as well with clients. It's almost as if, like when we're children or teens, or like young adults. There's this lot of opportunities to form connection, and maybe in those age ranges. You're even like less inhibited by time and resources and other things. So it's like Maybe more common to build those things, and then when you're at work.
Or living your life, you have all these other responsibilities that might take away from the opportunity. Is that kind of what you find in your work as well?

Dayna: Yeah, definitely like you said, timing is a factor. I've also just found 2 values can be a big factor for clients. So if someone has a different set of beliefs than someone else, you know whether that's politics religion, something else. It can be harder for them to connect. But.
I know I feel like when we're younger. It's like if someone has the same backpack as us.
Gonna be friends. And it's so easy to kind of connect that way. So I think social anxiety is also a big factor that I notice, too, and how to kind of break free from that.

Host: Yeah, it's really interesting that you mentioned that because just thinking back to college, I believe I've made friends with someone just because we both were vegetarian, like literally no other commonalities except for that, and we became best friends.

Dayna: Sure.

Host: And then another case is, I have a friend who's also named Stephanie, and like just that very simple initial like, Oh, your name Stephanie, too. That's so cool. Let's be friends.

Dayna: Oh, yeah. I know I have a friend. Yeah, same thing. Her name is Dana. We both have the same middle name, which is kind of bizarre, too. So in preschool we bonded immediately.
Host: Yeah. So I think it's just the things that you bond over as a team or child are just different than the things that you bond over as an adult.

Dayna: Right. Yes, and I have found that perceived isolation is one of the Leading reasons people seek counseling. So I found that a really interesting fact to share with our audience, too, about how sometimes it is anxiety and depression. But a lot of times just that feeling of not being connected to others can be so impactful.

Host: Yeah, you use the word perceived loneliness. I'm kinda curious if you can explain what that means to our listeners.

Dayna: Yeah, so it's more of kind of the feeling of being lonely, and how one sees themselves. So basically, sometimes we can have A lot of support around us, but we might not feel that it's really authentic.
Or that some of those people are ones we would want to go to. If we ever needed something. We might have kind of the people there but sometimes there are obstacles for reaching out to.

Host: Yeah, I'm almost thinking and this might be a little bit of tangent, but I have some clients who talk about like putting on a mask when they're with other people and in doing that they've already created this distance between them and the other person. And so now this distance further isolates them because they don't think they can be themselves around others. And that's just like a perpetuating cycle of like.

Dayna: Oh, yeah.

Host: Can't be around others. So I'm gonna push other people away. Now, I'm feeling lonely now. I'm feeling depressed, and it's just kind of.

Dayna: Sure. Yeah, it's so easy to get caught up in our heads about it. And I noticed with a lot of my clients, we talk a lot about something and cognitive therapy called cognitive distortions, where basically, these are kind of thinking errors that we all experience as humans. But sometimes when we really fall into them. They can have A really lasting influence on us. So if I have the belief that you know you and I are talking right now, and you're really bored.
And I might really shut down, or I might start to stumble, because in my head, I'm thinking, oh, Stephanie is thinking this or that about me when that might not be accurate at all. So again, those distorted thoughts can really come into play too.

Host: Yeah, it sounds like some like mind reading is at play.

Dayna: Yeah, mind reading personalization that one can be too jumping to conclusions. All or nothing, you know, if we have one negative Interaction with someone. We might assume that they're done, or we can't redeem ourselves from that, too. So Yeah, that can be tricky to just kind of reminding people that Again. We're all human. We all have these thought patterns. But Again, if we Kind of come to recognize that again. We all share that anxiety at times.
That can also help us develop more compassion for ourselves and for others.

Host: Sure.
Yeah, I'm almost thinking a little bit about ego states, and how, as a teenager or a young person, we tend to think that the world kind of revolves around us in a way, and like everybody around us, is like thinking about us. And like they're judging us. And we are kind of alone in our feelings, because everyone else is feeling some type of way about us that we don't know.

Dayna: Yeah.

Host: And it just creates that social anxiety that you were talking about. And then I think As you, age Ideally, you start to realize, like, oh, like “right” not everyone is thinking about me all the time and like, How do I live in a world now where maybe people don't actually care about what I think or don't actually care about what I'm doing. That could compound that like feeling of loneliness potentially.

Dayna: Yeah, absolutely. And it can be really tough. But I encourage a lot of my clients to almost even kind of do like social experiments like trying something new. What would that look like if you went to this new Yoga class? And just kind of put yourself out there, too.
Will all of those distorted thoughts be true. A lot of times we might feel that discomfort, but we recognize that all of these catastrophic thought patterns that we had. Often are not as real as we think they are, and they're not as likely to happen.

Host: I'm curious, like, what does the data show about? How often people are finding themselves feeling isolated and lonely.

Dayna: Yeah. So I have some interesting statistics that I found when kind of preparing for our podcast but One that I found was really interesting was that the number of close friendships that Americans have has declined over the past several decades didn't tell us why, but I kind of think back to some of the reasons you and I were talking about whether that's work taking over people's lives.
Sometimes not making the effort. If we come home we're tired. We might not want to really reach out. Go to dinner with a friend.
It's also important to give ourselves time alone. We all need that we need to recuperate, but also really trying to have more.
Connection when we can, planning something out ahead of time. Trying to stick to that commitment is huge.
Another really interesting piece of information, I found was that during the pandemic young women were the most likely to report losing touch with friends.
Which you know is good, since we're talking about women, too, and the importance of that connection.

Host: Yeah, that's really interesting to me. because historically, I think we've maybe stereotyped and gendered, feeling disconnected from friends or loneliness to men or to you know Young males, and to see that the data shows something different, I think is really interesting. And I'm kind of curious like. Why, women, maybe, were higher in Than men were during that time.

Dayna: Yeah, I'm not sure. You know, one thought of mine is maybe for some women that have children taking care of kids. Can be.
Really huge and I think in our culture, a lot of times we think of that as being rule out there that says it has to be that way, too, but something else I wanted to share, too, was that not only can that feeling of isolation really impact our mental health? But There's also a lot of research showing that can increase the risk of premature death.
It can also increase the risk of dementia, heart disease, and stroke, too.
So I think sometimes we almost kind of forget that interaction of the brain and the body.
Again very crucial for us to take into account.

Host: I guess it would. Really, I'm just kind of thinking here out loud. You would need to disrupt your routine. To find and build connection. I think a lot.
People, including some of my clients, and maybe even myself, from time to time, like, get into of just going to the same places, like doing the same thing like day in and day out.
13:28:52

Dayna: Sure.

Host: And if you haven't relationships doing that like, you're not gonna just suddenly start building relationships doing that, you do have to mix it up and maybe go to that yoga class that you mentioned, or joining a book club or finding other ways to do it, because if you're just like stuck in the same like.
Drop your kid off at school, go to work, pick your kid up from school.

Dayna: Right.

Host: Go home, make dinner. put kids sit in front of the TV like there's not a lot of opportunities in that routine to really find relationships.

Dayna: Right. And I like to suggest to a lot of my clients even really kind of starting small. So we know that friendship takes work. However, it can be as simple as you know me, sending you a text saying, You know, hey? Hope you have a great day sending a birthday card to someone. You know, trying to make plans in the future, so that we know.
This is when I'm available. This is when you're available so that we can make this work out.
It's also important to think about, too, no relationships are ever prefect.
However, we also have to make that effort to get.
Someone else showing an effort, too. So a lot of times when we are the 1st ones to reach out. People appreciate that. And they come to model that behavior too.

Host: Very True
Host: Yeah, that's really interesting. I think another thing that I'm hearing my clients say sometimes, oh, I feel like I'm putting in so much more effort than they are, and they don't really care about me or our friendship if they're not gonna put in the same sort of.

Dayna: Sure.

Host: Like effort. And you know, my response to that is like, maybe that's worth a conversation with that person. They don't know how you're feeling.

Dayna: Yes.

Host: And you they don't on. Maybe they don't recognize that you're putting in more effort. But they say yes, every time you ask them to hang out right? They say, yes, every time you ask to go get coffee or go for a hike like, clearly, they're interested in being in a relationship with you. Maybe it's worth saying like, Hey, it would be awesome a few occasionally organize something for us to do together.

Dayna: Yeah, that's a great way to say it again. Kind of going back to those cognitive distortions I mentioned should. Should statements are really big for people. So if I think “I should”. You know mail out a birthday card to someone, and I expect one in return.
That is kind of, you know, not a healthy, because again, I'm placing my expectation on them.
So also kind of being aware of that, too. Again, we want to have friendships that doesn’t put in effort.
But if we're expecting everything to be 100% reciprocal.
That can certainly lead to some unrealistic expectations.

Host: Sure.
Yeah, this is almost making me think a little bit tangentially of like the love languages. But for like friendships.

Right like, just because you sending a card is your way of like showing love or attention to somebody, or just because you send a text messages your way of showing love and attention, maybe their way of showing you friendship and respect in other ways

Dayna: Oh, yeah.

Host Always being on time every time the 2 of you hang out, or like offering to buy you a coffee or something like that that might just like look different In the way that they're showing you that they care.

Dayna: Right? Yeah. So I like that. You bring that up. That's a really good point to keep in mind, you know, just because I show my you know Love for my friends in this way doesn't mean they show that in the exact same way. So I think Kind of recognizing the differences, but also celebrating those differences too.
You know, I mean, personally, I think of my best friend Katie, her and I. We have not lived in the same town for a while, but we make it a point to call each other every Sunday to catch up for about an hour. And again, kind of putting that time aside, knowing that. Okay.
I expect this is going to happen, you know. She knows it's going to happen, too. Of course life gets in the way sometimes, but again, trying to make it a priority as much as possible.

Yeah, I like that last part that you just mentioned that like life gets in the way sometimes.

Host: Sure.
I have a client who, and even in my own life like, have chosen to have children or to, you know, I don't know. Let's say you decided to open a business like some big like transition. It's gonna suck up a lot of time.
Like being open and honest with your friends ahead of time, like you're probably not gonna see me as much. That doesn't mean that I don't care right, or if you're on the other side of that, like.

Maybe just checking and saying, I know you're really busy. I know you're going through this live transition. I just want to let you know that I'm still here for you, even if you can't like.

Dayna: Yeah.

Host: Do our normal like get together or our normal weekly call like, We will get back to that at some point. But now is not that season.
And like I still love and appreciate you for who you are, even if we can't touch base as often, or something like that, I think it's just.
It's important to be mindful of where we were, friend or where the people you're trying to connect with are at in their own life.

Dayna: Definitely. Yeah, that's a great point, too, because you know, if we're calling them. And you know they're unable to talk to us, it can be easy to kind of take that personally. But again, sometimes having that open communication that hey? I am going through this transition in my life right now. Maybe I'm moving, and I know it's gonna take up a lot of time.
I still want to check in. But if you don't hear from me personal, that can go a long way and really just help.
You know, the relationship maintains stability.

Host: Yeah.

Dance: And you know there's a lot of other interventions, too, if you don't mind me sharing some. But I really tried to think about in my own personal life. Maybe what clients have suggested. But there is a big list. So one thing could even be getting a pet. A lot of times we don't think about connection with animals, however, that can be huge. Having a little furry friend to take care of. That can really help. Not only you know us feel better, but it can also help build some responsibility in our lives, too. A sense of routine.
It's also really important, I think, to not be so judgmental with ourselves. Really try to practice that compassion as much as possible.
Recognize that we all experience loneliness. It's a very natural human emotion to have. So again, hopefully, by kind of embracing some of that self compassion. We let off with some of Another one I thought of was even spending time in nature.
Being a friend to ourselves is easy as that sounds, but recognizing that a long time can be good, how do we view that time, too? Do we make it something that's to be feared? Or do we look at it as.
You know. Great. I can go on this peaceful hike, or I can, you know, maybe just relax.
And watch some TV tonight by myself.

Other thoughts that I have are trying to even sit with some uncomfortable feeling.
When we do have loneliness, are we so quick to kind of push it away, get rid of it, distract ourselves Or can we recognize that You know this doesn't harm us. It might be a little uncomfortable at times, but Like any emotion. The more we expose ourselves to it, kind of the easier it becomes to experience.
Let's see other thoughts. I have like you and I talked about trying to get engaged in some type of group.
Whether that's a book club. You know, a running group that can be a great way to meet people, especially people who have similar interests, as you. Same with volunteering, becoming Passionate with other people about a great cause.
And again, just trying to break out of your shell as much as possible, going up to someone, being the 1st one to talk to them that can be huge like I said. A lot of us are shy. A lot of us don't want to do that, so.
Recognizing the courage it takes for someone else, and really being open to that, too.
So like, I said. Those are just some ideas, and I have some clients who say, you know I'm not super social, or I don't know how to do this. Therapy can be great for that, too. Looking at kind of social skills, training.

Host: Thank you for sharing all those interventions with people and those resources. Something that I'm thinking on almost on the flip side of this is like, how do we recognize when the relationships that we're in are actually making us more lonely? Be and taking us away from like meaningful connection with others?

Dayna: Hmm, yeah, that's a good question, I think, sometimes checking in with ourselves of, you know, if I see this person's name show up on my phone.
Do I experience physical sensations? Do I feel like a knot in my stomach? Or am I kind of Smiling, really happy to see them kind of going along with that, too, after an interaction with them. How would I describe my feelings? Do I say You know, that was so fulfilling. They are just so special to me, or do I say: You know, man, I kind of feel really bad about myself, or something like that.

And you know that kind of leads me to another point, too, with just noticing how easy it is to compare ourselves to others.
Am I looking at My relationships versus what's on social media.
Again easy to get caught up in that trap of something that might not be super realistic, too.
Really trying to be cognizant of how almost like what you're viewing, and then what you're experiencing.
Host: Yeah. Is like creating that distance, or maybe creating that loneliness and trying to shift away.
From that into connections that are fulfilling and meaningful, because I think We can get into the trap of like Something is better than nothing.

Dayna: Yes.

Host: And I would argue like.
I don't know if that's true, because if you are sitting here feeling like, this negative feeling, like in your gut and in your heart That is just not right. And You can't shake it. You probably need to move away from that person
.

Dayna: Yeah, definitely. And I think of even just kind of checking in are my values similar to the other persons. Now, it doesn't mean we have to have The exact same values, the exact same interest, but You know if I love animals, and you know the person I'm hanging out with is indifferent about them. Where they say, you know. Oh, I hate them. They smell bad.

Personally, I think that would be difficult for me, too, because, having that love for animals, not being able to really. So again. It's kind of that fine balance of how do You know, embrace our differences, but also knowing if something super important to me.
And that's just not really being met in that relationship that might be something worth exploring.

Host: Yeah, I think something that's really true to what you're saying. Here is.
In order to have connection, there needs to be communication.
And how can we continue to communicate with ourselves, to be aligned with ourselves, and be aligned with our values and our ethics and our morals?
In our relationships and communicate like our needs and wants to other people. Because again, no one can read our mind. So, yeah, I almost feel like in order to.
Have less loneliness and isolation in our life. We need to also work on our communication skills. So we can like build Great relationships with others.

Dayna: Yeah, absolutely. I mean, you said it. You know people cannot read our mind. We might think that we are being so open with kind of our body language, but Again, you know, making sure that we are Clear to other people and what we're feeling, what we're trying to communicate. And not having that idea that they should know me. It's been 5 years of friendship that's not fair. So again, really trying to. Have that open communication as much as possible.

Host: Yes, is reminding me of a quote that I have a client who really loves Berne Brown. I love Berne Brown, too, but she's always like saying, Clear is Kind, Like being clear in your communication is thing that you can do. And that's what's gonna Probably bring your connections to. Another place with people, because the more clear that you are with.
Your expectations and your values and your feelings, the easier will be for them to.
Understand where you're coming from, and show you that compassion that you're probably looking for.

Dayna: Yeah, definitely. And I mean communication. And even conflict does not have to be this scary thing that ends in a relationship ending.
I really love dialectical behavioral therapy, especially because it teaches clients in her personal effectiveness skills. How do I have those difficult conversations while still respecting that other person, but again staying true to my values. So again, it's really cool, because a lot of this can be explored in therapy. You know, if that is a struggle for someone, just.
How I can enhance my communication skills.

Host: While speaking of therapy. I know that's your bread and butter, Dayna. So how can people find you like? What other resources might you want to leave people with.

Dayna: Yeah. So if they want to find me, they can always feel free to email me. Dayna@wellmindedcounseling.com

Yeah, that'd be a great way to get in touch with me. We can set up a phone consultation if you'd like to schedule, or even just. If you have any questions, You know, clearly, love talking about this subject, so I'm happy to do so.
I also probably like at least twice a year. I'd like to do a therapy group for clients. So where I facilitate that. PreviouslyI've done a Dbt group, but I have an upcoming group that will have a combination of. Dbt, cbt, and that's really cool, because.
Actually, one of the reasons why I started doing groups was a way to.
Have clients build these connections, you know, recognizing that.
You are not the only one experiencing this, and it can be a lot easier than expected to.
Build some support. So it's really awesome to see people come together.
And support each other, give feedback.

Host: You know, a lot of times group therapy can be so vital for clients, especially just to know that I'm not alone in this situation.

Yeah, that's really great. I love the idea of doing groups. I think you know.
Isolation when you're feeling. Lonely or struggling with anxiety, just compounds things, and so offering Group therapy where people can, you know, come together and.
Know that they're not alone is, I think, really monumental for a lot of people. So I'm glad that you're you're doing that.

Dayna: Thanks. I appreciate that. I really love to do it. And you know you get to meet so many awesome people along the way, and it's really cool to see clients improve, and, you know, build healthier lives all around.

Host: Well, thank you so much for being on today, and hopefully, people will check you out. All the information, for Dayna will be in the show notes on our website. Wellmindedcounseling.com/redefining-us-Pod

So, if you have any other.
Questions, or If you have any other questions, or want to reach out, feel free to do so.

Episode 1: It Takes A Village: Why We’re Not Meant to Do Life Alone

September 12, 2024 Stephanie Konter-O'Hara

In this debut episode of Redefining Us, host Stephanie Konter-O’Hara takes the mic solo to introduce herself and share her personal journey. With over 13 years of experience as a therapist and a business owner since 2017, Stephanie Konter-O’Hara reflects on the various roles she juggles—therapist, business owner, mom, and wife—and the invaluable lessons learned along the way.

Key Takeaways:

The Journey to Motherhood: [Your Name] opens up about her own struggles with infertility and the extensive efforts she made to overcome the challenges, including seeking help from therapists, acupuncturists, and reading extensively.
Building a Business: Learn about [Your Name]’s initial foray into business ownership, her approach to learning and growth through business coaches, programs, and podcasts, and how she manages to lead a team of 15 while maintaining a full client caseload.
The Power of Community: Discover why [Your Name] believes that personal and professional growth is deeply intertwined with the support and influence of a strong community. She emphasizes the importance of surrounding oneself with supportive, inspiring individuals.
Balancing Life’s Roles: Hear about the balance [Your Name] strives to maintain between her roles as a therapist, business owner, mom, and wife. She discusses how embracing the busyness of life helps her thrive and find creativity.
The Importance of Connection: [Your Name] reflects on the idea that no one should navigate life’s challenges alone. She discusses how leaning on others and finding a supportive tribe can be instrumental in personal growth and well-being.
Finding Alignment with Your Community: Gain insights into how [Your Name] encourages listeners to seek out communities that align with their values while also challenging them to engage with diverse perspectives.

Episode Highlights:

Personal stories of overcoming infertility and business challenges.
The impact of therapy and community support on personal growth.
Practical advice on finding and nurturing supportive relationships.
The significance of being part of a larger community and the value of diverse perspectives.

“ Each part of this journey has really taught me a lot of lessons.”

— Stephanie Konter-O'Hara

Guest links:

Where to find more from Redefining Us:

Website: wellmindedcounseling.com/redefining-us-pod

Facebook: www.facebook.com/wellmindedcounseling

Instagram: @wellmindedcounseling

Bio of Host: Stephanie Konter-O’Hara

Well, as my first episode on the podcast, I'm going to make it a solo episode and introduce myself have been a therapist for over 13 years now and I'm so crazy how time flies I have been a business owner since 2017 and every part of my story has been quite a journey. I struggled so much to become a mom.
I had my own infertility experiences. I had my own therapist to help me along the way, on acupuncturists, talk to friends, read books, everything that I thought would be helpful to do, I did to try to move my journey to become a mom.
I would say my journey to be a business owner's quite similar. I started flying by the seat of my pants. I hired business coaches. I took programs and read books and listened to podcasts and did it one day to time.
And anytime I share my story about how I became a business owner, I always find myself feeling a little uncomfortable because boasting isn't something that I'm good at, as I've always been taught this dialogue of being humble, but I do have a team of 15 people that I supervise and manage and I have my own full caseload of clients.
And so I'm a pretty busy person. But I thrive in the busyness. I wouldn't say it's chaos because I do have a lot of time to myself to be creative and to be a therapist as well. I went to therapy and it saved my life in more ways than one. I figured out what I wanted to do for my career.
I figured out what I was passionate about, figured out some coping skills that I've kept to me alive. I was in a really dark place at that time.
I would say moving from a place of complete, like, chaos and confusion to clarity and peace is so healing. And I tell my therapist that I supervise that regularly that is part of their mission with clients.
Like, this isn't a job or career, for the faint of heart. You do have to have a good sense of who you are, or at least of who you want to be and be working towards that.
And each part of this journey has really taught me a lot of lessons. And I love being a therapist. I love being a business owner as well.
I love being a mom. I love being a wife. All of the hats that I wear sometimes can get a little dirty and get a little crumpled because life can be just hard and messy.
But I always come back to like what has helped me get to this point. It's talking to other people. It's being a part of a community that lists me.
that I think continue inspiring me. And so I'm hoping that through this journey of doing this podcast,
I'll meet more women like that who will continue to help me grow and help everyone who's listening grow as well because I don't think that we can do this life alone.
It truly does take a village, whether you're raising a child or raising yourself. It really does take a lot of effort. And I think if we decide that we're going to go it alone and we're going to be independent and we're going to not need anyone or I know a lot of people are like,
I don't need no man. And that could be true. Maybe you don't need a man, but you do need people. Like you do need good, hearted, solid people in your life in order to have a full life,
in order to have a life where you feel stable and comforted because it just can't be done alone. And I think at one part in my journey,
I thought that I could do everything all by myself and then I didn't need anybody. I didn't need help. I didn't need support. I didn't need guidance.
anyone. And it's not until I started to look towards other people and lean on them that I think I became the person that I was meant to be.
There's this thing that a lot of people say that the five closest people to you are the people who influence you the most and the people you become the most. And I surrounded myself by people who I wanted to be like.
You know, I had a therapist. I had some teachers. I had some friends. I had, you know, some people in my family that I really leaned on to figure out me.
And now becoming a mom trying to figure out who I am in this new phase, in this new of my life.
I had to figure out how to be a new version of me and how to tap into a different network and a different part of myself.
And now in this new phase of being a mom, it has been so incredibly eye -opening of just how challenging it can be to take care of another human being, for one, how to live in a life where you feel sleep deprived and finding a new tribe.
I haven't left any of my old tribes, but you do need a new tribe in almost every phase of life if you're going to land on your two feet and to be grounded is to be connected to historically have grown up in tribes and not in these isolated little silos that we live into now where every single family has their own home like we grew up in communities where everyone knew everyone and everyone helped everyone and
everyone had a separate function so the idea that women today are supposed to work or are supposed to take care of their children all how people need people and people need mental health services and people need help cleaning their house or help watching their kids or help like taking care of other responsibilities like I don't know any shade or shame that someone throws on another person for asking for help or for
needing support for I guess all of that to say that in this podcast and in these interviews where I talk to women who might be business owners or stay -at -home moms or just women trying to figure it out,
I'd encourage you to listen to their stories and to figure out how you can access resources, access, like other parts of yourself that need...
or it's the seven -year -old who got pushed on the slide and, you know, skid their knee because they weren't going down the slide fast enough.
Like, whatever part of you needs to be healed, those parts need attention. And it's going to be really hard for you to give them the attention they deserve if you think you can do it all by yourself.
You are the one that needs to listen to those parts and pay attention to what those parts need. That is your responsibility, but getting the nurturing and support from other people will help you be able to access those parts and have time to nurture those parts.
But if you're busy doing all of the things all of the time, that won't be possible. So before I go on more tangents about how we all can be more connected to ourselves by being connected to others,
I think it's important to... talk about what it means to be in alignment with the community that you're in.
So I'm sure we're all aware of the vastly different opinions that exist on the internet. And how about the vastly different opinions that exist in our society?
to find those people who might reinforce your beliefs or reinforce your ideas. And I also challenge you to find people who are saying just something a little different.
So you yourself can be challenged and figure out how other people are doing life. Figure out how other people think, what other people believe. Because even though you need a village,
it doesn't need to be only people who think. and listening to why they believe what they believe and listening to why they came to that conclusion and what inspires them to continue to go down that path.
So that's my spiel for why I'm doing what I'm doing and how I got here and I just love talking to other people and hearing other people's stories and helping inspire other people and just being grateful to be a part of other people's stories and journeys.
And yeah, I hope you'll, you'll join me each week as we listen to the conversations that I'll have with other people. And yeah,
I hope you'll stick around. All right, take care.

Trailer to Redefining Us Pod

September 5, 2024 Stephanie Konter-O'Hara

Here it is! Season 1 of the Redefining Us Podcast with host Stephanie Konter-O'Hara, a licensed professional counselor, clinically trained supervisor, and new mom on a mission.

Stephanie invites transformative conversations about what it truly means to be a woman in today's world. Whether you're a mom, entrepreneur, educator, or professional, this podcast explores how women redefine their roles and identities in a rapidly changing society.

Stephanie was inspired to start the Redefining Us Podcast by her own journey into motherhood and her passion for helping women navigate the complexities of modern life. Fueled by her experiences as a new mom and a seasoned counselor, she aims to create a space for authentic conversations that empower women to embrace their evolving identities.

Keep coming back every other week on Thursdays to continue to be apart of the conversation! Found on Apple Podcasts, Youtube, YouTube Music, Overcast, Spotify & IHeartRadio

Please rate, review and follow on your preferred podcast listening app!

Learn more about the host

Hi, this is redefining and I am Stephanie Konter-O’Hara professional counselor and clinically trained supervisor. I am a new Mom and I'm interested in talking to people who are entrepreneurs professionals in their field that are interested in helping women find who they are and what it looks like to be a woman in this century I know there's been a lot of talk about that and I'm just here to join, I hope to hear about what it means to be a woman what it means to be a business owner to be a teacher role woman and society. I'm to talk to you and I want those people interested in so I hope you and I look forward to inspiring you teaching and joining you along the journey to redefine what it means to be a woman.

Transcript

Transcript

transcript

Transcript

Transcript

Transcripts

Transcript

Transcript

Transcript

Transcript