In this episode of the Redefining Us Podcast, we welcome Heidi Lindeman, a licensed counselor, IFS therapist, and parent coach. Together, we dive into the worlds of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy and Human Design, exploring how these tools can help individuals, especially mothers, reconnect with their authentic selves.
IFS, developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, is a therapeutic model that sees individuals as having many "parts," each with a unique role and purpose. When we learn to communicate with these parts from our core "Self," we can release emotional burdens, integrate more fully, and respond with more compassion—both to ourselves and to others. Heidi explains how IFS is transformative for both parents and children, allowing us to honor every part of ourselves and interact with our kids from a place of grounded wholeness.
Heidi also introduces the concept of Human Design, a holistic system combining elements like astrology, chakras, and the I Ching. Human Design offers insights into our energetic blueprint and guides us toward choices aligned with our true nature. Heidi describes how this approach has impacted her own life and parenting journey, particularly in understanding and supporting her children as unique individuals.
Key Topics Discussed:
Understanding Internal Family Systems (IFS):
IFS views us as composed of many distinct "parts" or subpersonalities that represent different aspects of our emotions, experiences, and roles.
The importance of the "Self"—a calm, compassionate core that can communicate with each part, helping to heal trauma and align all parts with their positive intentions.
Applying IFS in Parenting:
How IFS can be a valuable tool for parents, helping them distinguish between their "mom part" and their core identity.
Using IFS to respond to children from a grounded place rather than reactive childhood wounds or unmet needs.
Introduction to Human Design:
An exploration of Human Design as a system that integrates multiple ancient wisdom traditions and offers a personal roadmap based on birth information.
Heidi shares how Human Design has helped her understand herself and her children, tailoring her approach to parenting according to each child's unique energetic profile.
Aligning with Our Authentic Selves:
The common thread between IFS and Human Design is living in alignment with one's true self, free from societal expectations or past traumas.
Heidi emphasizes the value of connecting with our "core self" in navigating the demands of motherhood and daily life, bringing a sense of peace and authenticity.
About the Guest: Heidi Lindeman is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) with a deep-rooted spiritual background, she is dedicated to helping moms who feel overwhelmed, isolated, and burnt out. She believes in nurturing both your soul and your human experience, creating a harmonious balance that allows you and your children to thrive.
Heidi is the creator and owner of Self Grounded Therapy, LLC. At Self Grounded Therapy, we offer counseling for mothers who have a deep spiritual connection to the universe and are seeking to deepen their bond with their children through meaningful and transformative practices. We understand that as a spiritual being having a human experience, your journey is about more than just managing day-to-day stress—it’s about fostering a deeper connection with yourself and your children. Heidi uses Internal Family Systems (IFS) and Human Design to help parents live an authentic life and parent in an aligned manner.
Resources:
Find out more about Heidi Lindeman and her services, including a free Human Design chart on her website https://selfgroundedtherapy.org or https://www.youtube.com/@heidilindeman9602
For further information on IFS, visit the official website of the IFS Institute founded by Dr. Richard Schwartz.
Connect with Us: If you have questions about today’s episode or want to learn more about the Redefining Us Podcast, visit our website or follow us on social media for updates and resources.
Thank you for listening! Don’t forget to subscribe and leave a review if you enjoyed the episode.
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09:13:50 Welcome back to redefining us. I'm your host, Stephanie, contra, and here with me today I have.
09:13:57 Heidi Lindemann, who is a license professional.
09:14:03 In the State of Colorado.
09:14:03 Yes.
09:14:05 Who is a license professional counselor in the State of Colorado. And she's gonna be talking to us today about human design ifs and the transformation of women becoming mothers, and potentially her own journey of becoming a mother so welcome. Heidi.
09:14:22 Thank you. I'm so glad to be here.
09:14:25 So I think we should probably just start off by describing to our.
09:14:29 Listeners what human design is as well as ifs? Because I'm also a newbie in both of those topics, and would love to learn more.
09:14:37 Yes, yeah, I'm gonna start with ifs, because that is what I am more.
09:14:42 Trained in it have been doing for longer. It's.
09:14:44 I have been doing that for.
09:14:46 2 5 6 years.
09:14:49 And if his internal family systems.
09:14:53 Created by Dick Schwartz.
09:14:54 And it is a therapy model in which we see that there are many different parts of ourselves.
09:15:00 And then there's also a core self.
09:15:03 That capital. S. That's how Dick was. Describe it.
09:15:06 And we are working from that capital S. Self, with all of our parts to help.
09:15:12 Release burdens to help.
09:15:15 Clear up trauma, so that.
09:15:18 Our parts can come back to their preferred roles, because every part of us has a positive.
09:15:25 Intent for us.
09:15:26 So when they're all in their preferred intended acting in that way.
09:15:31 Then our lives are more. We're like more integrated and more living into our truth or into our wholeness is who we are.
09:15:39 And that can be really helpful as a mom.
09:15:42 For both myself and but also my kids to like they have many parts. Okay, how do we help.
09:15:47 Navigate this little life that is happening in front of me.
09:15:52 That's ifs.
09:15:53 Questions before I jump into human design.
09:15:55 Defining it.
09:15:57 So, yeah, I think ifs to kind of break it down, at least from someone who's not as familiar is that each aspect of you, or each, maybe, like season of your life has become, or is, a part of yourself, and all of those parts are kind of like informing your decisions and how you behave today.
09:16:17 Yeah, kind of it's. And it would kind of, I think, go even more into every single part of us is almost a subpersonality. It's like it is a.
09:16:26 Almost like this little person or this little aspect. It's not just an aspect. It's like it's an actual person or part of me, with.
09:16:32 Full emotions, a full range of things like your anxious part.
09:16:35 Would be the part that's really worried or like.
09:16:38 Trying to get things done because they don't want that part of you doesn't want to have.
09:16:45 You fail or have something else happen. So it's really functioning in that.
09:16:53 Way, but it is like a whole person.
09:16:56 Yeah, it's kind of.
09:16:56 Each part of your whole person.
09:17:02 I attempt to like, externalize their anxious voice or their like substance. Abuse, voice like and like, that's not who you truly are. That's like this part of you that's like.
09:17:13 You know, trying to get you to behave in a certain way, and being able to communicate to that part is like a separate.
09:17:21 Thing rather than like, have it be inside of you.
09:17:25 Yeah, I don't know if that makes sense.
09:17:29 We.
09:17:26 That's absolutely correct. That's what it would. It's like inside out. How inside out has joy and anger and sadness.
09:17:34 And then, if you see an inside out, there's anxiety.
09:17:37 Every one of those would be a part.
09:17:39 And then we would be talking to each part of those from self.
09:17:42 To help that part get whatever it's needing, and to.
09:17:47 Have it functioning the way the best way that it could be.
09:17:51 Okay, yeah. And so I assume that would be very helpful in figuring out.
09:17:55 A mother's journey from like.
09:17:58 You know, not only from childhood and working through that stuff, but also like, Okay, now you have this, like, Mom.
09:18:06 Self.
09:18:07 How are you? You know your yourself, and how are you? Your mom? And almost recognizing that you don't have to. At least that's part of my journey. You don't have to be a mom. 24, 7. You can also be like Stephanie, or you can also be Heidi. You don't have to be.
09:18:24 You know Ella's mom, for example. That's like, now, your new identity.
09:18:27 Yeah, yeah, it would be like, there would be a mom part of you that's over here. But that's not all of who you are. It's a part, and it's in a very important part, particularly when.
09:18:37 Kids, I think, are little. My kids. I have 2 of them who are one and 3. Now.
09:18:42 So I am in the very little, so I can't actually talk about what it's like when you have a 10 year old, because I don't have one.
09:18:49 But that little.
09:18:50 That time when they're really little. It's.
09:18:52 I think really important.
09:18:54 Know that you are not your mom. Part.
09:18:57 It's a part of you like, if you can actually pull it out and talk to it.
09:19:01 And communicate with it. Then you can.
09:19:03 Better understand like Oh, that's.
09:19:05 These are these lovely qualities that come from this part of me.
09:19:09 And who am I at my core? Who am I?
09:19:13 So level.
09:19:14 That I get to be Heidi. I get to be more than a mom.
09:19:19 It's, you know, and then the little part is inside of the.
09:19:23 Big self that I am, you know.
09:19:25 Yeah, yeah, that makes a lot of sense.
09:19:26 Yeah, so I I think I.
09:19:29 Understand hopefully, listeners do, and if they don't they can always reach out.
09:19:33 To Heidi, because all of our information is going to be in the show notes as well as on the website for you to reach out to her if you're interested in asking more clarifying questions about ifs. But I wanted to move into human design to make sure we have enough time to talk about that as well.
09:19:46 Yeah. Yes. Okay. So human design is a.
09:19:52 It's a combination of a bunch of different systems. And this could feel a little bit woo. So just like throwing that out that.
09:19:59 To try not to lose people, to just try to stay with me through the.
09:20:04 We're feeling. So it's essentially like astrology.
09:20:07 It's the it's the.
09:20:10 Chakras, it's the
09:20:13 Tree of life. It's all of those.
09:20:16 Combined together, and it was.
09:20:18 Channeled by.
09:20:20 Rahu.
09:20:23 Is a fun name in 8 days. So like.
09:20:27 He channeled it, and then.
09:20:29 Afterwards. We're like, Whoa, it's all of these systems together. So he didn't like in his mind, like, Okay, let me put them all together and scientifically.
09:20:36 Put them together. But it has been one of the systems.
09:20:41 In that realm when that kind of like spiritual realm that has.
09:20:45 Hit me so deeply and.
09:20:48 Made so much sense.
09:20:51 It's like when I see it.
09:20:52 I'm A. So you put in your birth, date, your birth time, your birthplace. People can get a free chart on my website.
09:21:01 And it goes through a little bit of explanation of what.
09:21:03 Some of the bigger things within the chart are.
09:21:09 But the whole idea of human design is to it's an experiment.
09:21:12 So, whatever the chart says.
09:21:15 You can try and experiment with.
09:21:18 And it's not meant to be like this is who you are, and it's black and white. And here you're in this little box. It's more of.
09:21:25 Here's the energetic blueprint of who you are, how you came into life.
09:21:31 Play with this.
09:21:34 These themes and these things that are in the chart to see how it feels in your life.
09:21:39 And the idea is when you are living.
09:21:43 Aligned, based off of the chart.
09:21:46 Life tends to.
09:21:49 Flow easier, or there tends to be more alignment.
09:21:51 And it's been extremely helpful in my life to see my own chart.
09:21:56 But also to see my kids' chart, because it.
09:21:59 Shows me how, as a mom, what is it that I need for myself?
09:22:03 And how do I interact with the world.
09:22:06 And then, what do my kids need?
09:22:09 For themselves. And how do they interact with the world? And how do I need to interact with each one of them differently?
09:22:15 Because, like, I'm trying to not go into too many details to lose people's like I, manifesting generator.
09:22:22 I have one daughter who's a generator, and I have one daughter who's a manifestor.
09:22:27 Both my me and my daughter, who are a generator. We respond to the world.
09:22:31 So we need something to come to us, and then we have a reaction. We respond to that.
09:22:37 My little manifest. She initiates things.
09:22:40 So we often actually might start
09:22:43 Responding to my manifestor because she's the one who like just in her own body and her own being, she just.
09:22:49 Initiate something, and she just does something because she wants to.
09:22:53 Whereas it's more aligned for me.
09:22:55 Generator to respond to the thing that she is initiating.
09:22:59 That's very, very little.
09:23:05 Yeah.
09:23:03 Snippet there, but that's human.
09:23:05 I'm kind of hearing a theme between the 2, though, which is this idea of coming.
09:23:10 Back to yourself and being aligned with yourself and making decisions and moving through the world in a way where you're.
09:23:19 Yeah, like acting out of your true self, not out.
09:23:23 Maybe, like what external factors have influenced you, or out of your trauma, or.
09:23:29 Out of societal expectations, but just like truly, like what's internal for each person.
09:23:35 Yes, absolutely it is.
09:23:38 And that is my like.
09:23:40 Joy in life right now. Really, not just right now. Kind of.
09:23:43 Always is like. What is it?
09:23:46 Who am I? Authentically.
09:23:47 And how do I be that authentically in the world.
09:23:51 And then how do I help my kids be that authentically.
09:23:55 Not be me, but be them.
09:23:59 And yeah.
09:23:59 Yeah, I think that's a new. I don't see a new idea, but kind of like a.
09:24:04 An idea that's been rumbling, at least in my own brain, as well as like conversations that I'm having with other women who have just had babies so like very new moms of like, how do I, parent, my child?
09:24:16 As my child, not parent them in a way that maybe I thought that I would want to be parented. Or maybe, if you have 2 children. You can't necessarily parent both of your babies like the same way. Obviously, they're 2 separate entities and are going to respond to things.
09:24:33 Differently, despite their environment and genetics being very similar.
09:24:37 But they probably have already, like different demeanors, like upon like developing in person.
09:24:44 Yes, yes, absolutely. And I.
09:24:48 Think what's really fascinating is that as we have kids often, what happens.
09:24:51 Particularly if we come, had any.
09:24:55 Trauma, and I don't even mean big trauma could be emotional.
09:24:58 Just like whatever happened in your childhood that often pops up.
09:25:04 When we are parenting our own kids.
09:25:07 And that reaction.
09:25:10 There is a part of you inside that does need to be parented a new way, and it is.
09:25:15 Can be kind of helpful to do it.
09:25:17 With your kid, but it's more that that part of you needs.
09:25:20 Whatever it is that you're like. I needed this, and I never got it. Give it to yourself.
09:25:25 And then you could be more grounded and more.
09:25:29 Centered in, not in that part of you who's like I need.
09:25:35 Whatever I need.
09:25:36 Over amounts of love, or I need not that there can ever be too much.
09:25:41 You know, whatever that little part needs.
09:25:43 Then you can come back to yourself, back to your center.
09:25:46 And look at your child, who is.
09:25:50 Whatever they're doing, my 3 year old. Who is, I don't know, throwing a tantrum because she wanted a.
09:25:55 Blue cup, and I put her food in a.
09:25:58 Or put her drink in a purple cup. And now.
09:26:01 It's the end of the world, and if that triggers me.
09:26:05 Which it sometimes does, because it's annoying. But there's like, what is that part of me who's really annoyed.
09:26:12 How can I honor that.
09:26:15 Because it's usually a young one.
09:26:18 That young one who maybe didn't get what she wanted when she was little.
09:26:23 Tell that part that it's really important that I hear her, and I feel her.
09:26:28 And that I'm here for her, and that.
09:26:31 She can want things.
09:26:33 And it's okay to want things.
09:26:36 And I don't have to react out of the way that she was responded to. Of.
09:26:40 No, you can't have the.
09:26:42 Purple cup.
09:26:44 Because I already put it in the blue cup.
09:26:48 Yeah.
09:26:48 You know I can come to a more grounded space, and either choose then.
09:26:52 Oh, you want a purple cup. And this really isn't that big of a deal? All right.
09:26:55 Well, let's just go ahead and port into a purple cup.
09:26:58 Or I can respond like.
09:26:59 Oh, yeah, you really wanted the purple cup, and I put it in the blue cup.
09:27:03 That's really hard.
09:27:07 Wonder how you're gonna drink it out of the blue cup? I mean. So it doesn't right way to do it. But it's more of that grounded calm.
09:27:14 Energy, instead of responding out of that.
09:27:18 Child part energy, anyway, that just randomly popped up in my head.
09:27:22 Yeah, I, think it.
09:27:24 The idea of like hearing your inner voice, or hearing your inner emotion, and then responding.
09:27:31 Is very helpful for a lot of people, because I think.
09:27:35 In our society in general, we're kind of just like.
09:27:38 Setup to go quickly, or to rush.
09:27:42 And not to like check in with ourselves.
09:27:45 And we're just kind of programmed to respond all of the time and like, whether that's respond by shutting down.
09:27:52 Freezing, crying, yelling like, we're all like set up to just respond to something. And what would it be like for us all to take a pause.
09:28:02 And like check in with how we feel, and then like, respond to something that's happening, whether that's our child or something at work, or.
09:28:11 What have you.
09:28:12 Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I think that's a huge.
09:28:16 I think it's a. It takes a lot of effort or a lot of skill to get to that point like you can. I think you can, that where it's I think you can also do it. And like, if you notice.
09:28:26 You got really charged in a situation.
09:28:29 That, and then you yell at your kid, or whatever you can go back later.
09:28:33 And you can then reflect on like, okay, what part of me got really.
09:28:38 Charged or hurt, or needed.
09:28:41 Whatever they needed.
09:28:43 And then you can work with that part of you and help heal some of that.
09:28:46 Whatever happened in childhood, what.
09:28:49 Whatever need was not.
09:28:51 Given to you, you can heal that need, and then the next time you can respond in a different way.
09:28:56 And I know something else that I've been hearing a lot lately is that.
09:29:01 We can also go back and repair with our child.
09:29:03 We can apologize for yelling at them.
09:29:07 That's actually an okay thing to do that. This is an.
09:29:10 Whole human. A kid is a whole human. They're not somebody.
09:29:17 I don't know has no reaction or no response. When you yell at them.
09:29:22 You know.
09:29:23 Yeah, I've been reading quite a few different parenting books on my journey, and.
09:29:28 Yeah.
09:29:28 One of them that I was reading was talking about the difference between like treating your child like their child, and like treating them as if they're a human and like, how do we respond to our children like with the same respect that we would give any other human.
09:29:46 And if you got into a conflict with a friend, or if you got into a conflict with a co-worker, or whoever, and that relationship was worth like.
09:29:55 Staying in you would do what it takes to repair the relationship.
09:29:59 Right. And so why would you not do that like with your child?
09:30:03 Yeah, absolutely. I.
09:30:05 Yeah, I think it's really important. And I think that's part of how we're.
09:30:09 When I say we have thing like.
09:30:12 Millennials, late.
09:30:14 I never really think I'm a millennial, but I technically am.
09:30:19 Millennials, who were raised by.
09:30:23 Baby boomers who didn't do that.
09:30:27 Really, this is, they weren't taught to.
09:30:29 That they needed to apologize to us. They were taught that they are the authority, and that what they say goes.
09:30:34 And that's an over generalization like, I know, that's not everyone. Just wanna name that.
09:30:42 But yeah, it's it's a very different perspective from.
09:30:45 This is the child who needs to listen to what I say and obey me, and.
09:30:50 Sometimes not even be heard. Kids are not supposed to be.
09:30:54 Seen or heard, or like.
09:30:57 To. Here is a child who is.
09:31:00 This has this exuberant life, and all of this energy and.
09:31:04 They want to express it in the world.
09:31:07 And how do I put enough?
09:31:10 Structure and boundaries to hold them so that they feel safe.
09:31:13 To explore their world and.
09:31:15 Know that they are a full human, that they are.
09:31:18 Have all of the emotions.
09:31:21 And very little of the cognitive skills yet to regulate these emotions.
09:31:27 Yes.
09:31:26 As a 1 3 year old. So we gotta grow that.
09:31:30 Yes.
09:31:30 I don't think I've seen so much from the.
09:31:34 Understood from the previous generations.
09:31:37 Yeah.
09:31:36 Purchasing the 5th tier.
09:31:38 Yeah, I I do think there's like different things that are in the.
09:31:42 You know, Zeitgeist, now that weren't in the Zeitgeist when my parents were raising me, I think.
09:31:49 It's interesting. How.
09:31:52 Everything has changed like, even when.
09:31:54 I was 1st having Ella. The idea that we had a baby monitor. My mom's like you can watch her sleep like all the time. What.
09:32:03 I just had to like, put my ear against the door to figure out whether or not you were sleeping.
09:32:10 Yeah, yeah.
09:32:11 So, so.
09:32:11 Different one, for sure.
09:32:12 So much has changed.
09:32:13 Yeah, yeah.
09:32:16 And I think also one of the things that have changed, or that I'm seeing change.
09:32:20 Is that mothers are now identifying, that they also need to care for themselves like.
09:32:26 And maybe not even just for themselves, that they need.
09:32:30 Support, that they need friends, that they need community, that they.
09:32:34 You know that we get deserve that.
09:32:37 Time to go, be by ourselves and be something more than just a mom.
09:32:42 And that that's actually really important.
09:32:46 For raising the child so like, that's kind of like the redefining us is like.
09:32:51 We still get to matter.
09:32:53 As we bring in this aspect of Momming.
09:32:59 Which the fact that mommy is a word these days is fascinating, because, like, it's a thing you're doing.
09:33:05 And parenting wasn't ever a.
09:33:08 Wasn't a thing until the 70 s.
09:33:10 People didn't. It was. Wasn't that like.
09:33:12 What is it? A verb? And it was a.
09:33:14 Yeah, like an act. Action. Yeah.
09:33:17 Like I was. I'm a parent. Sure. Yeah, I have kids, and they do things. Whatever.
09:33:22 It's a very different world.
09:33:25 Anyway, I lost my train of thought. There.
09:33:27 Yeah, I think what I was kind of hearing you go back to is like, how do.
09:33:33 Go back to connect with yourself, despite all this, like, because.
09:33:37 I mean, I love my baby, but I will say she's create a lot of chaos in my life. Right? So, yeah, like, how do you come back to yourselves.
09:33:50 Even when your baby like, really needs you to survive, especially in that 1st like year of life, and then like it, probably beyond that.
09:34:00 I'm only 13 months into this journey. So I imagine she's gonna keep needing me for a lot of things. But I'm assuming probably not as much as that 1st year. So, yeah, like.
09:34:11 During that postpartum experience.
09:34:14 Like figuring out how to come back to yourself.
09:34:19 And like, listen to what you need during that journey. I imagine.
09:34:23 Is some good prep. Work to do like while you're pregnant, or even, you know, if you didn't do it during.
09:34:29 Pregnancy like in postpartum, and figuring out how to.
09:34:34 To align with.
09:34:36 Yourself whether that's through ifs or human design or yeah, I'd love to kind of hear what your thoughts are for. Maybe people who haven't started this journey, and now they're like in the thick of it.
09:34:48 Yeah, so.
09:34:51 Depending on where they are.
09:34:54 How I think they come back to themselves on their own.
09:34:59 Skills, or like, if they've been a meditator, then meditation might be something that's.
09:35:05 Sort of accessible. I found, after my first.st
09:35:08 Kiddo that the ifs work. I could not go inside. I just couldn't do it.
09:35:15 Cause. I was so.
09:35:19 Overrun with. I don't know hormones, or like the changes, the physical changes that happen in our body as we're pregnant.
09:35:25 Even my pregnancy. I had a hard time connecting inside, and I just find it fascinating.
09:35:32 It's not everybody's story. A lot of people are like, Oh, no. I connected more inside when I was pregnant.
09:35:36 So it's a who knows what that's all about.
09:35:40 After she was born.
09:35:42 I had to go back to the basics, and I did that with the help of postpartum, Doulas.
09:35:49 Which I also now just got my certificate, so I have officially a postpartum.
09:35:55 Awesome.
09:35:53 Another thing if someone help in that close part of time love little babies and mamas. But.
09:36:00 What I got as that postpartum in that postpartum time for my do list was.
09:36:03 They would come and make food for me, they would make sure I was eating. I was having a really hard time.
09:36:09 Eating enough food. And that's really important when you're a new mom, especially if you're breastfeeding.
09:36:15 Because you need more calories.
09:36:18 To breastfeed than you did to build the baby.
09:36:20 To be which is fascinating to me.
09:36:23 So it's like, how can you literally go back to the basics you need to eat.
09:36:28 Sleep, which is insanely hard when you have an infant, because infants do not sleep.
09:36:33 For more than a couple of hours at a time.
09:36:37 They may sleep for 20 HA day.
09:36:41 But not consistently. It's a little like 30 min.
09:36:48 Anyway, it's like for me. It's going back to the basics of.
09:36:51 Needs. And then.
09:36:53 As the my baby got older. Then I could start to touch back into the.
09:36:58 Okay. Now I'm somebody different. Now I am.
09:37:02 There's this important.
09:37:04 Person in my life who is kind of the most important person ever.
09:37:08 But how do I also be important.
09:37:10 And then kind of taking that.
09:37:12 And redefining. Who am I now that I am a mom? And how do I actually bring that mom aspect.
09:37:19 Almost closer.
09:37:22 Into me, and then.
09:37:25 Now I think I'm now in a more of like.
09:37:27 Bringing it closer, and then having it stand out from me. So it's almost like I had to blend with it for a while, which it would be an ifs term of like.
09:37:33 Just fully become that.
09:37:36 I am only Mom, and I breastfeed, and I keep this baby alive, and I.
09:37:40 Try to sleep as much as I can, and.
09:37:44 Change diapers and.
09:37:48 Meet whatever name the baby has at that point.
09:37:51 Yeah.
09:37:52 And then.
09:37:54 Now that I have a 1 and 3 year old.
09:37:56 I'm having much more.
09:37:59 Access inside to.
09:38:02 Really settled back into.
09:38:05 Who am I?
09:38:06 Who is he outside of Mom's now? It's like more the mom park can stand next to me.
09:38:13 And still be there, because it's important.
09:38:16 But then there's a like I can meet deeper needs that I have, and this is where more that childhood repairing is coming in of.
09:38:25 Caring for that little.
09:38:27 Girl inside of me, who.
09:38:29 Didn't get the kind of care and attention.
09:38:33 Or the emo. It was mostly emotional. For me it was like the kind of emotional response I needed.
09:38:38 So now I'm really practicing on giving that to myself.
09:38:44 And.
09:38:46 Yeah. Anyway, that's where I'm at.
09:38:48 I really feel like I start going somewhere, and I'm like, I have no idea what.
09:38:52 You even just said.
09:38:55 I think it'll make sense, though, right like, if you can respond to yourself.
09:39:00 That means you are now more open to the or possibility of responding to your child. Because if you're just like ignoring yourself like, how are you going to attune.
09:39:11 To your child.
09:39:13 Right, yeah.
09:39:14 Because you're not even with you.
09:39:16 Right, yeah, yeah.
09:39:19 Yeah.
09:39:18 And so if you're responding to someone with an.
09:39:21 From an unassigned in, aligned from an inlined place.
09:39:27 Unaligned.
09:39:27 I want to say I don't know. Unlike.
09:39:34 Okay. So if you're responding to yourself from a place of not being in aligned with you.
09:39:48 Great.
09:39:43 Responding to, like your child from a place of like security and attachment and attunement.
09:39:50 Yeah.
09:39:49 And I know a lot of things that parents that I've spoken to are concerned about is like creating that secure attachment with their child, because there's been a lot of research to show that, like having secure attachments.
09:40:03 And being able to handle stress and being able to have like good connections like help. Someone long term in their life, both like mentally as well as like physical, like ailments can be.
09:40:18 Soothed or benefited from like good mental health. So it's like super important to a lot of parents that I've spoken to that they are doing that. And so this is just like one way.
09:40:29 That you can like. Come back to yourself to take care of you as well as like. Take care of your child, and help that secure attachment.
09:40:36 Would you agree? I guess.
09:40:38 Absolutely 100%, especially with ifs.
09:40:41 Like ifs is the.
09:40:44 It's what you're doing inside of yourself.
09:40:48 Is you are creating that secure attachment to yourself.
09:40:51 To the capital S.
09:40:53 To all of your parts, so to your young child, part.
09:40:56 Or parts, there could be more than one.
09:40:58 To your we. Those were called exiles in ifs world to your managers, those are the parts of you that are.
09:41:05 Like your daily functioners, the parts that are.
09:41:08 That really try to make sure that none of that trauma or none of those big emotions come up.
09:41:13 And of course, the exiles they're always like.
09:41:16 No, come up. I need you to feel me. I need you to feel the big emotion. I need you to feel the big thing.
09:41:23 And then the firefighters are the ones who try to push back down the exiles.
09:41:27 But when you have that happening inside of you.
09:41:29 And you work from self energy with all 3 of those kinds of parts.
09:41:35 Then.
09:41:37 And have build that secure attachment and build a trust inside.
09:41:41 Then, when that trigger comes up, or that emotion, or whatever is happening, comes up.
09:41:46 It feels different inside of you.
09:41:48 And then there is trust that you build literally inside of you. And when you build that trust inside of you.
09:41:54 That is going to extend your external world. It's going to extend to your kids.
09:41:59 When you trust yourself to be grounded, and be able to take care of your own.
09:42:04 Shame, or your own.
09:42:07 Sadness or your own anger. Whatever big feeling is, there.
09:42:12 When you know you can do that for yourself. Then, when your child is.
09:42:16 2 or 3, and having this huge tantrum because they have really big feelings. Everybody can see their feelings. They don't hide that. They're just.
09:42:25 Expressing, expressing. Then you can stand there and.
09:42:28 Be with them, and then they get that.
09:42:32 Grounded presence, which is what.
09:42:34 A kid who's having a big feeling needs. It's.
09:42:36 It's not a magic kind of.
09:42:41 Formula that you have to create like you literally just need to be present and grounded with them.
09:42:46 And be there in in the feeling with them. Let them have it.
09:42:50 Without getting scared or overwhelmed by it.
09:42:54 And that attachment to them then creates that long.
09:42:58 You know, as they grow, they're gonna be able to do that inside of themselves, which then they can do with.
09:43:04 Whoever is in their world, and it just grows and grows and grows. So it's.
09:43:11 Yeah, it's life. Changing stuff ifs, is.
09:43:13 Magic. I think it's magic.
09:43:17 Yeah, it's so interesting now that we're talking about this like in the throes of early.
09:43:24 Aaron Hood, like I was finding myself so obsessed with like sleep stuff.
09:43:29 And how like sleep was going to be the answer to create, quote, unquote, secure attachment, like I needed to do certain things.
09:43:38 In her life in order to make sure that she was secure through sleep. And now that I have like more clarity, I'm like, that's just like one of like many things.
09:43:50 Or it's not even the most important thing. Maybe it's like, literally, how you respond to your kid.
09:43:55 Every day while they're awake, having emotions.
09:43:59 That probably creates like a bigger impact.
09:44:04 Then how sleep was. Obviously sleep is important, not saying it's not, but I think I put like a thousand of my eggs in that basket. And now that I have more clarity and more removal from the situation, I'm like, Oh, wait! There's actually like hundreds of other ways that I can.
09:44:25 Work with my child to hopefully instill, like a sense of secure attachment.
09:44:30 You know, not just with myself, but with my husband, and with like other people like.
09:44:36 So I guess I wanted to say that to remind people to cut themselves if they're not quote unquote, doing it perfectly in like every single way, like.
09:44:46 There are lots of things that you can a like repair like we said earlier, and like B, like.
09:44:54 While you're awake, while you're feeling sane, like things with your kids to help instill like secure attachment.
09:45:03 Right. And it's also, I think, important to note that the.
09:45:07 Repair and the the mistake that happens. I don't even think it's a mistake. The rupture that's a better word, the rupture that happens.
09:45:15 Is essential.
09:45:16 That we actually do not want to be 100 attuned to our kids all of the time.
09:45:24 That that actually doesn't help them grow into the.
09:45:27 Confident, secure person that they need. They actually need to know what it feels like to be.
09:45:33 Miss a tune to to be misaligned, and then to have that repair come back.
09:45:37 Because it's unrealistic to think that we can be.
09:45:42 100% attuned to our kid. And that was my goal. When my.
09:45:45 1st was born, and I was like, Oh, well, that's unrealistic, and that's like a high expectation. Here, let's like, bring that down a little bit.
09:45:54 We just need to be.
09:45:55 So good enough. Parents. It's that like.
09:45:59 50 55, like just over 50. Attack
09:46:03 Aligned. I don't mean attached. They do need to be securely attached to us, but.
09:46:07 Attuned to them, creates.
09:46:10 Secure attachment, really letting go of that perfect.
09:46:15 Part that wants to do it perfectly.
09:46:18 And also sleep is essential.
09:46:20 Sleep is a foundational thing.
09:46:24 Because when they sleep and when you sleep, and when everybody is sleeping well.
09:46:29 Then the behaviors and the emotions during the awake time are more regulated.
09:46:35 But it also is not like the most important thing, or the only thing for attachment.
09:46:41 Just one thing that's important in life is to sleep.
09:46:44 You know? Yeah.
09:46:44 Yes, yes, yes, yeah. I I think my perfectionistic self was like.
09:46:51 To so drilled in on the sleep like I was finding myself counting like every single minute that she slept, because I was like determined that she was going to like, quote unquote sleep.
09:47:00 The amount of time that you're supposed to sleep in order for a healthy baby, because I was like this baby doesn't sleep. I need to make sure she actually does.
09:47:08 And so, yeah, I think it's interesting how we can all get hung up, probably on different like facets.
09:47:16 Of a child's development, but, like the whole person going back to like treating a.
09:47:21 Baby as a human like the whole person matters.
09:47:25 Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. I also just wanna name that I was obsessed with sleep. With my 1st I got a sleeped while I was still pregnant.
09:47:33 Cause I was gonna figure it out before she was even bored.
09:47:37 So sleep is an important thing. But yeah.
09:47:41 Because the whole person and there's a whole lot other.
09:47:42 A lot more that goes into it. And they're exploring and like.
09:47:45 Checking out the world as like as they're an infant. They're just looking 1st at you, at.
09:47:51 Generally the person who gave birth.
09:47:53 And they start attaching there, and then they start talking to other.
09:47:57 Main caregivers in their lives, but really they can only see.
09:48:03 And competing inches in front of their face. Yeah.
09:48:02 I don't know, can't see a whole lot.
09:48:07 Yeah.
09:48:09 Yeah.
09:48:07 It's wild. It is crazy.
09:48:11 Yeah, this is kind of a separate topic. But I've had some conversations with people. How it's like babies, like, if.
09:48:18 They could like not come out to like 3 or 4 months like postpartum, like, they'd probably be much easier to quote unquote, manage, because, like.
09:48:28 Before that they're just like, still so helpless. It's like they might as well still be in the womb. They need that much attention.
09:48:35 Uhhuh, yeah. And that is what that those first.st
09:48:38 3 4 months.
09:48:40 Need to be. And that's why there's a lot of people who call that the 4th trimester.
09:48:44 Is because that literally, you just need to make them in a womb on the outside.
09:48:50 You know them as much as you can.
09:48:53 Putting I don't know. Just be holding them.
09:48:56 All the time, not all the time. Clearly you need to put your baby down and like, let your baby sleep all those things. But.
09:49:02 They just want to be curled up on you in there.
09:49:07 Yeah. Little bit. Precious.
09:49:09 Yeah.
09:49:10 Well, thank you so much for coming on today. I want to give you an opportunity to tell people like what your website is like what offerings that you have. So people can yeah, know more about you and reach out.
09:49:22 Yeah, absolutely. So, my.
09:49:25 Business name is called Self Therapy.
09:49:27 So let's put in that, and you'll find that wherever I am.
09:49:31 So I, my website is self rounded therapy dot.
09:49:37 Org. And then I have a Youtube channel.
09:49:39 Which I is called self therapy. My Youtube channel, though right now I'm I just switched my population. So I'm still working on getting updated.
09:49:49 Videos for the mom world, but they will be there soon. That's 1 of my goals today.
09:49:54 So those are 2 main places. I am online.
09:49:58 My offerings right now I do individual.
09:50:02 Counseling for anybody who is in Colorado, particularly moms.
09:50:07 Like kind of that repairing like doing that ifs inside.
09:50:11 How do we nurture and honor the parts of you.
09:50:14 And nourish your soul.
09:50:17 That kind of work for moms also open to doing it for other parents as well.
09:50:23 And then I have parent coaching.
09:50:26 Which I can actually do with anybody who is in.
09:50:29 Well, really anybody, but mostly the United States. Since I am in the United States time.
09:50:33 That kind of thing, and I then, with the parent coaching, what I do is use either the ifs or the human design lens.
09:50:41 Unless the person already knows one of them, then we can combine them.
09:50:45 Just not trying to overwhelm somebody with 2 different perspectives.
09:50:49 To help them.
09:50:51 Know who they are, and then know who their kids are, and then to start setting up.
09:50:57 Structures to set up.
09:50:59 Boundaries to set up. What are your values, that there's a strong foundation of? Where the.
09:51:04 Parent or parents are coming from.
09:51:06 And also make sure that the parents together are.
09:51:09 On the same page, or a similar page.
09:51:11 And how to negotiate those any differences that might be there.
09:51:17 So I have parent coaching sessions as well.
09:51:20 That can be done.
09:51:22 Anywhere, and I operate both virtual and in person. So if they're in.
09:51:26 Colorado, close to Long. My office is in Longmont. There people can come in person for either parent coaching or for.
09:51:34 The individual.
09:51:37 Sessions,
09:51:39 Those are the things I'm doing.
09:51:42 In my practice. I also happen to just have started a mom's nourishing mom's group. That is a free.
09:51:48 Group that I'm doing every other.
09:51:52 Friday.
09:51:53 The October 11.th
09:51:56 And then every other. Friday, from 9 to 10 at Landline.
09:52:00 And that's really a group just for anybody who's a mom or identifies as a mom to come and.
09:52:07 Be together to nourish each other's souls like that is my whole intention of my whole desire. There.
09:52:13 Is, let's create that village.
09:52:14 In person. Let's create that in person. Village gotta be somewhere.
09:52:19 Yeah. So I think those are my main things at the moment that are on my head, on my mind.
09:52:24 Awesome. Well, thank you so much for coming on today and sharing with everyone your gifts, and we'll just definitely make sure that we put everything on the website so people can find you.
09:52:33 But yeah, thank you. Again.
09:52:36 Thank you so much. It was wonderful to talk to you today.
