Self-Compassion

Self Compassion, a concept that sounds simple at first glance, is something that many people struggle with putting into action. Compassion is the sympathetic awareness of others’ distress, coupled with a desire to help relieve said distress. To have this compassion for ourselves is to offer understanding and warmth inwards, towards ourselves, when we experience distress, suffering, feel less than, or perceive that we have failed. Developing self-compassion can be an important factor in improving mental health.

Self-compassion is often misunderstood. Self-compassion is NOT selfish. Many people develop the perception that being compassionate towards themselves will let them “get away with things.” Often, the worry is that being compassionate to ourselves will cause what we generally try to avoid like eating lots of junk food, not getting homework/work done, not taking care of household chores, or not keeping up with personal hygiene. Self-compassion is NOT self-centered. Allowing yourself understanding and warmth does not take away from the empathy that you have for those that you care about. In fact, developing self-compassion does quite the opposite, allowing you to be more understanding and caring for the people in your life. Fill up your cup with compassion first, and pouring from that cup into others will be much easier.

Think of your favorite mentor, coach, or friend. How did they support you? What made them your favorite? What positive qualities did they have that made them a great coach or mentor or friend? It is unlikely that this person only pointed out your flaws, berated you for your mistakes, and ignored your positive attributes. Self-compassion is being a caring, understanding, empathetic mentor to ourselves, being your own biggest cheerleader, or your own best friend.

The following questions are posed as a check-in, and can be used to find potential growth areas for self-compassion:

How were you unkind or judgmental to yourself this week?

How might a caring friend have responded differently?

How are you taking care of yourself so that you may better cope with the stressors in your life?

How do you react when you feel that you have failed at something important to you?

What are your greatest qualities?

Do you give yourself permission to feel all of your emotions? Are you loving to yourself when you are worried, embarrassed, or angry?

Do you value treating yourself with kindness?

Name one caring sentiment that you can say to yourself when you need support.

By: Amber Cherrette, LPCC

Dare to Lead by Brené Brown was release a week ago!

I am a huge fan of Brené Brown, finding her work during an emotionally painful time in my life, and when I was ready to hear it, I accredit to changing my life. She has wisdom that is only achieved through taking an in-depth inventory of her own emotional life, and those that she studied in her research.  In her new book she explores what it truly means to lead from the inside out. As I begin to read her new work, I found this quote really inspiring and cultivating a desire to be an even better version of myself.

“When we dare to lead, we don’t pretend to have the right answers; we stay curious and ask the right questions. We don’t see power as finite and hoard it; we know that power becomes infinite when we share it with others. We don’t avoid difficult conversations and situations; we lean into vulnerability when it’s necessary to do good work.”

What I take from that is that leading is not being the smartest person in the room, not needing to posture your confidence, your intellect, and your influence as though those aspects of you are your true strengths and that leading and power are things to share and empower others with. By facing things that make us uncomfortable or are not our beliefs with curiosity, peace and respect we can create an even stronger sense of connection. Connection is what helps us lead even more people to their own good work and in essence our own good work.

I think we can all learn from one another, and by doing so we are building a stronger future for ourselves and others.

I encourage you to buy her new book Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts here

Forgiving Yourself, While Building Empathy

Why is to so difficult for some people to seemingly forgive themselves so easily while other spend an unreasonable amount of time beating themselves up over a mistake.

First off, the person that cannot forgive themselves cannot see what they did as a mistake, and mark themselves as defective or a failure. This mishaps goes from one mistake to a global understanding of themselves. When a person doesn’t forgive themselves, it deepens shame and guilt, and becomes a breeding ground for pathological self-blame. These same people often over apologize because they see themselves as the defective ones due to this global belief they have adopted. These same people often feel that when they receive an apology from another person that they are undeserving of said apology. 

So, how does one move away from these unhealthy patterns, well it begins moving away from obsessive rumination and self-incrimination about any situation that has promoted the transgression.  It means cultivating empathy for oneself, which will ignite love for oneself. Through self-forgiveness there is psychological and, perhaps even more profoundly, spiritual growth that occurs. 

Here are some ideas on how to cultivate love for yourself:

1) Observation: Identify what you are doing and/or any judgments you are having about yourself for doing that. 

 2) Feeling: Ask yourself, "What am I feeling?"

 3) Need: Connect that feeling to a need/value/what's important to you,  and ask yourself, "What need is not met?" .

 4) Give yourself a moment or two to "sit with" or "feel into" the quality of that need and how important it (e.g. balance) is to you. 

 5) Request: After "sitting with" that need for balance, do you have any request of yourself or someone else? 

This process will help you direct your attention away from the head (where the negative thinking resides), toward your heart (where the feelings reside), and into the belly (where the precious needs reside). In this way, self-empathy is another tool for helping you get out of your head and into your heart and body.