Assessing Whether Your Teen/Child Needs Help

As parents there are a ton of things to consider/worry about. If you think your child may be in a position that they can benefit from therapy, here are some questions to ask yourself to help clarify.

• What is your child telling you through their behaviors?

• What physical symptoms has your child been experiencing?

• What are you worried about for your child?

• Are you as the parent experiencing anything that could be indirectly affecting your children?

Remember your children don’t have the same language adults have when it comes to explaining whats going on with them, ask them about their feelings. Again, emotional and mental issues often show up somatically, through physical pain, nausea, dizziness, sleep changes.

Your children are sponges, yes you may not be verbally sharing your stresses with them, yet your children are quite perspectives to their environment and the people in it.

Respond with Acceptance

Move Away from Blame

Blaming yourself, your child or others will most likely lead to anger and resentment

Start the Conversation

In a calm and clear way communicate your concern

Reach out for Support

Assemble a support system for yourself and your teen, whether that’s family, friends and/or a treatment team.

Handling Back to School Jitters

I enjoy reading what others have to say about the topics I've been hearing most about in my office. Here is a great article from NPR about Handling Back to School Jitters

5 Ways to Help Teens With Anxiety/Dread with Going Back to School

This time a year in my office I see teens and young adults worried about returning to school after summer break. Things that teens may be saying and facing are thoughts such as:

• Who will be my new teachers? 

• What if my new teacher is mean, annoying, too hard on me?

• Will any of my friends be in my classes? 

• Will I fit in, will my social group change or have conflict? 

• Are my clothes, my backpack, my hair good? 

• Will I look stupid?

• Who will I sit with at lunch?

• What if I can’t understand the new schoolwork or homework?

Here are the 5 tips to Help Teens Deal with Anxiety/Dread

1. Avoid giving reassurance...instead, problem-solve and plan! Many times teens don't want to sit and talk for extended periods of time, so making it count can be important. They often time want to hear validation for their thoughts and feelings, perhaps even some action plan steps to problem solve. Focusing on what they are saying rather than what you think may might want to hear is a very valuable note when it comes to communication.

2. Role-play with your teen. This may look different than actually acting things out, it may be just asking them imagining how they want the stressful event to go, having them visualize it in their mind, of all the ways that it might go "wrong" and figuring out solutions and then all the way it could go "right" and all the success they can have.

3. Focus on the positive aspects! School can bring a teen a lot of go and fulfillment if they and you focus on how they will be returning to their sport activities, or theater, or simply seeing their friends more often than over the summer. Shifting a teens perspective to all the great things that come with school can truly help them focus on the positive aspects of going to school.

4. Let up on the pressure. Most teens have their teachers, parents, peers and themselves laying on the expectations and pressure. If you're worried about your teens performance ask them what their own expectations for grades are, or what they think is a realistic amount of time to study. Then, hold them to that, and if things need to readjust have it be a conversation rather than a "this is what I expect of you" sort of message.

5. Encourage them to ask for help. Teens can get it in their head they know everything there is to know, or see asking for help as a weakness or a burden to others. By having them think, feel and behave this way without intervention keeps them closed off and shut down. If they can see others ask for support and help often, you are modeling healthy communication skills, and boundaries. Your teen is still learning, just like everyone is, so forget the whole "I'm an island" mentality if you want to have healthy relationships with others. 

Communicating To Your Parents/Children

At times communicating to a peer can be difficult because they may not be as passionate about the topic or understand the emotions or even see your point of view. Often times the relationships a peer however are not always permanent as they are with your parents, you typically have one set of biological parents, or a different amount or configuration of parents. The point is, is typically the amount of parents a person has is limited so communicating, relating, understanding, managing your relationship with them can be seen as more valuable. 

As one can imagine this is not always rainbows and butterflies, perhaps the relationship is distant, rejecting, enmeshed, controlling, unfulfilling, or other uncomfortable dynamics. How to identify these relationships as dysfunctional is equally important to healing from  and/or changing them.

The distant relationship- I this arrangement both the child and the parent can remain civil, however their is little to no sharing of ideas or feelings. They maintain a business like arrangement where they agree to spoken or unspoken rules in the relationship and don't interfere or offer emotional support.

Underlying emotions/thoughts- apathy, uncomfortable with own and other peoples emotions

The rejecting relationship- In this arrangement one person in the relationship has made a decision to keep the other person at an arms length even though the other person wants to be close. There may be name calling, ridicule, neglect, or overall abandonment towards one of the individuals. 

Underlying emotions/thoughts- fear, pain, insecurity, I'm not good enough, and unworthy of love

The enmeshed relationship- In this arrangement one or both of the people in the relationship forces closeness, creating a dynamic where at least one person does not feel like they can do anything without the persons involvement. Typically the person forcing the closeness is insecure and lonely and feels that the need the other person for constant emotional support.

Underlying emotions/thoughts- please don't leave me, guilt, shame, insecurity and I cannot do this on my own

The controlling relationship- In this arrangement one of the individuals tries to be complete control of the other person. Making sure that they won't make decisions on their own, creating self-doubt in the non-dominate person. The person in control tends to believe that if they let the other person make a choice that everything will fall a part, and remain highly anxious.

Underlying emotions/thoughts- I know best, anger, anxiety, I'm not able to do this, and uncertainty

These are the 4 primary types of relationships I see in my practice (the underlying feelings and thoughts can be had by either party in the relationship), if you can identity with having these types of relationship with your parent or your son or daughter perhaps its time to schedule an appointment and/or make some changes. 

Relationships and Food: Guest Blog By Erika Holmes

Food for thought: The relationship between food and relationships

I've heard it said that "how you do one thing is how you do everything." Patterns we build permeate our lives. In my work with people with eating disorders , I have seen that people's relationships with food are often similar to their relationships with people. If "how you do one thing is how you do everything", then it follows that it would be helpful to notice relational patterns, put them in line with values, and capitalize on the potential for that change to influence other aspects in your life. Sometimes when you move social relationships towards values, your relationship with food shifts as a byproduct. 

Anorexia Nervosa

Relationship with food characterized as: avoidant, fearful, rigid, insufficient, shame around size and hunger. 

How do those patterns show up in relationships? Maybe you isolate or avoid people or avoid situations (likely ones involving food, but probably others as well). Maybe you have social anxiety. Maybe you are rigid with socializing and keep a tight schedule or get nervous is plans change or interactions arent neat and tidy. Maybe your social interactions happen infrequently or are surface level and dont sustain the human need for true connection. Maybe you are scared that being in relationships will feel suffocating or heavy or cause discomfort so you avoid them. Maybe you have a fear that you will be too much or need to much and end up people pleasing or keeping a distance in an attempt to stay small. 

Bulimia Nervosa

Relationship with food characterized as: conflicted, chaotic, secretive, shame based. 

How do those patterns show up in relationships? Maybe you seem to have alot of conflict in relationships. Maybe you struggle with boundaries and when to say "yes" or "no" or "I've had enough". Maybe you experience extreemes in relationships of being very close then very distant. Maybe you have guilt and shame over what you want or need or have done in relationships. Relationships may scare you and you struggle with keeping them in balance and tolerating the discomfort they can sometimes bring. 

Binge Eating Disorder

Relationship with food characterized as: lacking boundaries, lacking sense of control, soothing or escapist. 

How do those patterns show up in relationships? Maybe you struggle with knowing how much to give in relationships and end up people pleasing or going past your limits with relationships. Maybe in relationships you feel like you dont have a voice or that voice isnt respected when you set boundaries or express needs. Maybe you have a difficult time being alone and find people to fill your time, even when you know those people arent "good" for you. Maybe you have codependency traits and regulate your mood through focusing on others. 

These lists certainly arent exhaustive and may not fit everyone perfectly. My intention is simply too spark curiosity. Its not helpful to judge or justify patterns. Better to simply observe them and then do what you can to align food and relationship patterns with long term goals and values.

If you notice that you resonate with any of these food or relational patterns, know that there is help and hope. 

- By Erika Holmes, visit her site at: http://www.coloradocft.com/erika-holmes-lmft/