Why is to so difficult for some people to seemingly forgive themselves so easily while other spend an unreasonable amount of time beating themselves up over a mistake.
First off, the person that cannot forgive themselves cannot see what they did as a mistake, and mark themselves as defective or a failure. This mishaps goes from one mistake to a global understanding of themselves. When a person doesn’t forgive themselves, it deepens shame and guilt, and becomes a breeding ground for pathological self-blame. These same people often over apologize because they see themselves as the defective ones due to this global belief they have adopted. These same people often feel that when they receive an apology from another person that they are undeserving of said apology.
So, how does one move away from these unhealthy patterns, well it begins moving away from obsessive rumination and self-incrimination about any situation that has promoted the transgression. It means cultivating empathy for oneself, which will ignite love for oneself. Through self-forgiveness there is psychological and, perhaps even more profoundly, spiritual growth that occurs.
Here are some ideas on how to cultivate love for yourself:
1) Observation: Identify what you are doing and/or any judgments you are having about yourself for doing that.
2) Feeling: Ask yourself, "What am I feeling?"
3) Need: Connect that feeling to a need/value/what's important to you, and ask yourself, "What need is not met?" .
4) Give yourself a moment or two to "sit with" or "feel into" the quality of that need and how important it (e.g. balance) is to you.
5) Request: After "sitting with" that need for balance, do you have any request of yourself or someone else?
This process will help you direct your attention away from the head (where the negative thinking resides), toward your heart (where the feelings reside), and into the belly (where the precious needs reside). In this way, self-empathy is another tool for helping you get out of your head and into your heart and body.