Why It's So Hard to Set Boundaries (and How to Start Anyway)

By: Brady Tobin

“The first step to setting effective boundaries is to understand the boundaries that we want to have.”

I invite you to take a moment and reflect on where boundaries appeared for you throughout your childhood. Feel free to think about the rules that were set within your household, classrooms, and social circles. Maybe your mind goes directly to times when you broke these rules, or maybe when others broke them. If possible, can you remember any explanations that were provided on why the rules existed? Did you feel they were fair and consistent?
If you were raised in a way in which you learned to stay within certain boundaries and why those boundaries mattered, and if every influential adult or mentor was consistent in reinforcing them, congratulations, you probably learned how to set and enforce boundaries on your own (feel free to keep reading, anyway).
Considering all of the qualifiers included in the above scenario and the sheer amount of influential adults in our lives growing up, it’s safe to say most of us don’t fall into that camp. If you found yourself to be unfairly disciplined in your home or in school and/or it was not clearly marked what the rules were or why they mattered, it may be a little more challenging to identify, state, and enforce your boundaries with others or to honor and respect others’ boundaries. Setting boundaries may never have been modeled for us. Let’s be real, for many of us the opposite was modeled. So it follows that we are most likely not going to be the best at interacting with boundaries.

“So what is a boundary anyway?”
Let’s define what a boundary is. I like to think of a boundary as being a set of preferences a human being has surrounding any particular emotional, physical, mental, spiritual, or social concept. When we think about boundaries, it can be helpful to divide them into six different types of boundaries.
Material: Treatment of possessions or property and how they are shared. Preferences and needs regarding possessions and property.

Emotional: What, where, and how much a person shares their emotional life.

Sexual: How sexual matters are discussed. When, where, and how sexual material is presented. Consent related to sexual or sexually suggestive words, jokes, images, gestures, or touch.

Time: How you relate to others’ and your own time. How time-related needs and preferences are handled.

Intellectual: Preferences related to how opinions, thoughts, and conversational topics are shared and handled.

Physical: Preferences surrounding your physical body. Personal space as experienced through your senses. Preferences for respect, privacy, closeness, and touch.The aim of Family Therapy

In addition to these six types of boundaries above, there are also three different styles of boundaries we can have. Most likely, our boundary styles will differ depending on the type of boundary we are setting as well as the situation.

Rigid: The castle wall. Rigid boundaries are strong and impenetrable and, even when you want to cross them, you would be unable to. Enforced heavily.

Porous: A line in the sand. Sure, the boundary is there, but anyone can cross it. It may even be washed away. Often, it’s difficult to define what the boundary is. Not enforced at all.

Flexible: A fence with a gate. The middle ground between porous and rigid. Having flexible boundaries allows for us to cross them when it feels safe to do so and maintain them when we want to. Enforced effectively.

Just like the words “self-care” and “trauma”, “boundary” has seemed to find its way into the mental health vernacular. Some might say terms like these are now overused, and as a mental health professional I promote we be really cautious with what we are talking about when using these terms, but there’s a reason they are popular: they are important!

Our emotional health is related to the health of our boundaries. If our boundaries are not respected, then our needs may not be met. If we let our boundaries be crossed, we are showing others it is okay to cross them. It’s stressful to have our boundaries crossed, and if it keeps happening we run the risk of experiencing chronic stress. This can lead to burnout at work, relationship problems, and developing or worsening mental health challenges.

In addition, if we don’t know how to interact with our own boundaries, we probably don’t know how to interact with others’. This can potentially lead to unknowingly causing others stress and harm and can make connection with others more difficult.

How to turn boundaries into effective boundaries

I left something out of the three boundary styles discussed above. In the counseling world, “flexible” boundaries are also known as “healthy” boundaries. This is the style of boundary we strive to have for the majority of our boundaries because it provides a route for us to build trusting relationships with others while not sacrificing our own values and preferences. So why did I avoid this label? Well, in Dialectical Behavior Theory, we like shy away from qualifying anything as “healthy”/“unhealthy”, “good”/”evil”, or “right”/”wrong” as they are all defined in different ways by different people and, more often than not, carry harmful judgements along with them. Instead, we like to talk about what is effective versus what is ineffective. In saying something is effective, we are saying that it will have positive consequences for us down the road. While an ineffective action might make us feel good in the moment, it will have long-term negative consequences for us.

So what does this mean in regards to boundaries? Well, it’s up to us to decide whether the boundaries we have and how we enforce them are effective or not. It’s okay to have rigid and porous boundaries. What will not be effective for us is if we reinforce our rigid boundaries in a way that will negatively impact ourselves long-term. So how do we ensure we set effective boundaries?

The first step to setting effective boundaries is to understand the boundaries that we want to have. I invite you to reflect on the six types of boundaries and make a list of beliefs, preferences, and needs you have considering the various relationships and settings that are present in your life. This can be done on your own or with the support of a therapist. After you identify them, I invite you to notice when they arise in your daily life. 
Once you are familiar with your own boundaries, feel free to use the Psychiatric Rehabilitation Association’s Four Skills for Setting Boundaries (2014).

1: Name the behavior

Simply naming when a boundary is being crossed can help you in a variety of ways. It is relatively non-confrontational, can help make the person aware of their own actions, and alert others to the situation. It can also help you gain more clarity on how you feel about the boundary being crossed.

2: Give a directive

Be as clear and concise when telling the other person what you want them to do. People listen to directives! This also helps you assert the situation, helps others become aware of the situation, and shows you are clear about what you want.

3: Repeat directive, add a consequence

If these first two steps don’t work, let the other person know what you are going to do if they continue to not respect your boundaries. This is a skill of persistence and will prevent you from being diverted or manipulated as well as demonstrating your intentions.

4: Follow through with the consequence and end it

If the person is still not respecting your boundaries, follow through with the consequence. Even after following the above steps, it just doesn’t always work out. We can only control ourselves and can’t make anyone else respect us. In this case, we can end the discussion. We can leave the room, ask for help from someone else, or end a relationship if our boundaries are repeatedly not being respected.

Effective boundary setting is not something that happens overnight. We will make mistakes, and that’s okay. Also, setting larger boundaries can be daunting. Feel free to start with smaller boundaries that feel accessible, explore boundaries within relationships that are less significant to you. Once you feel comfortable, you will have the tools and experience to effectively address your larger boundaries.

While reflecting on your childhood experiences, the question may have arisen for you: "Why didn’t anyone teach this to me when I was younger? If I learned this earlier, it could have helped me in so many different areas of my life. Things could have been different!” The trick is, if we don’t have these past experiences, then we can’t learn from them and we can’t appreciate the importance and gravity of setting boundaries. I invite you to offer some compassion to yourself, and bring some gentle understanding to the fact that, while these past experiences with boundaries may have hurt or harmed you and others, you can learn from them and grow.

OTHER COUNSELING SERVICES WE OFFER IN DENVER, CO

We offer a variety of additional services besides brain-spotting and EMDR therapy. WellMinded Counseling also offers the following therapy services:

Healing from the Inside Out: The Transformative Power of Somatic Therapy

By: Sky Tritt

Somatic healing is an incredibly powerful and transformative approach that can work hand-in-hand with traditional therapy, offering individuals a deeper way to connect with their bodies, emotions, and past experiences.

This holistic method can help people who have been impacted by trauma, chronic stress, or emotional blockages find healing through body awareness and mindfulness. But why is somatic healing so important, and how can it complement conventional therapy? Let’s dive into the concept and the benefits of combining somatic healing with therapeutic practices.

What is Somatic Healing?

So, what exactly is somatic healing? At its core, somatic healing is a body-focused approach to therapy that recognizes the connection between the mind and body. It is based on the understanding that trauma, stress, and emotional pain are not just psychological issues, but are also stored in the body. Somatic therapists work with clients to explore these physical sensations, and through various techniques—such as breathwork, movement, and mindfulness, help individuals release tension, trauma, and repressed emotions stored in the body.

This approach draws from a variety of therapeutic methods, including somatic experiencing, trauma-sensitive yoga, and other body-based therapies. The goal is to empower individuals to listen to and work through the messages their body is sending, which in turn promotes healing and balance in both their mental and physical states.

Why Combine Somatic Healing with Traditional Therapy?

While traditional talk therapies like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Psychodynamic Therapy are incredibly effective for understanding thought patterns and processing emotions, and somatic healing offers a more integrated approach. Our bodies are constantly processing information, and many unresolved emotional issues or traumas manifest physically. Whether it’s a tight jaw, stomach/intestinal issues, or shortness of breath, our bodies often hold onto stress and emotions in ways that are not immediately apparent through verbal communication alone.

Traditional therapy can help individuals gain insight into their thoughts, beliefs, and past experiences, but somatic healing helps to bridge the gap between the mind and body. By tapping into this connection, somatic therapy allows individuals to release physical manifestations of trauma that may otherwise be trapped in the body, reducing stress and enabling emotional release that helps clients feel more integrated and whole.

How Somatic Healing Supports Trauma Recovery

Trauma is often stored not only in our minds but also within our bodies. When someone experiences trauma, the body may react by freezing, tensing, or dissociating, making it harder to process and move through the experience. This is especially true for individuals who have experienced complex trauma or long-term stress. Somatic healing provides an essential release for these pent-up physical sensations, allowing individuals to reclaim their bodies from past traumatic events.

Many people who have experienced trauma often feel disconnected from their bodies, whether it’s through numbness, tension, or an inability to feel grounded. Somatic healing can help to reconnect people to their bodies in a safe and supportive way. This process may involve mindfulness exercises, body scanning, or guided movement to identify where trauma is being held. Once this connection is made, therapists can guide clients in releasing these physical blocks, helping to reduce symptoms such as anxiety, depression, and PTSD.

The Benefits of Combining Somatic Healing and Therapy

  1. Increased Emotional Awareness
    Somatic healing helps individuals become more attuned to their emotional and physical states. By paying attention to bodily sensations, clients can develop a deeper understanding of their emotions and how they impact their body. This heightened awareness can complement traditional therapy, where clients work through their thoughts and emotions in a more intellectual way, leading to a more well-rounded healing process.

  2. Releasing Repressed Emotions
    Sometimes, the mind pushes difficult emotions out of conscious awareness because they are too overwhelming to confront. This can cause those emotions to be stored in the body. Through somatic practices, clients can learn to safely explore these emotions, allowing them to release long-held grief, anger, or fear. This release can provide a sense of relief and clarity that traditional talk therapy alone may not fully address.

  3. Relieving Physical Symptoms of Stress
    Stress and anxiety often show up in the body—tight shoulders, a clenched jaw, or shortness of breath. Somatic healing teaches individuals how to recognize and release these physical symptoms of stress, helping to calm the nervous system. When combined with therapy, this can help individuals feel more centered and less overwhelmed by their emotions, promoting emotional stability and balance.

  4. Building a Stronger Mind-Body Connection
    Many individuals who have experienced trauma or prolonged stress may struggle with dissociation or feeling disconnected from their bodies. Somatic healing encourages clients to tune into their physical sensations, fostering a more grounded and integrated sense of self. This practice helps individuals reclaim control over their bodies and minds, which is crucial for healing.

Conclusion: A Holistic Path to Healing

Somatic healing is an invaluable tool that can enhance the therapeutic process and offer individuals a more integrated path to recovery. By addressing the body’s role in emotional and psychological well-being, somatic healing can help individuals release stored trauma, increase emotional awareness, and alleviate the physical effects of stress and anxiety. When paired with traditional therapy, somatic practices provide a holistic approach to healing that can result in lasting transformation and a deeper connection to oneself. Whether you are healing from trauma, navigating emotional struggles, or simply seeking to improve your well-being, combining somatic healing with therapy can provide the support and tools needed for profound change.

OTHER COUNSELING SERVICES WE OFFER IN DENVER, CO

We offer a variety of additional services besides brain-spotting and EMDR therapy. WellMinded Counseling also offers the following therapy services:

Reclaiming Balance: Practical Strategies to Overcome Burnout

By: Kiersten Eaker, MA Intern

Burnout has become a common experience in today’s world.

It manifests as emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion, often stemming from prolonged stress or over-commitment. Recognizing that you are in a burnout cycle is the first step in trying to reduce its effects by implementing effective management strategies that can help you reclaim your energy and well-being.

Recognize the Signs

Burnout can present itself in various ways, including chronic fatigue, irritability, lack of motivation, and feelings of hopelessness. If you notice these symptoms, it’s important to acknowledge them and be curious about where it is stemming from, instead of pushing through.

Set Boundaries

One of the primary contributors to burnout is not setting boundaries. Whether at work or in your personal life, learning to say no when your plate is full can help decrease stress while staying true to yourself. Establish clear limits on your time and energy. This may involve delegating tasks, prioritizing essential activities, or taking breaks to recharge. By protecting your time, you can create space for rest and rejuvenation.

Prioritize Self-Care

Self-care is a necessity. Incorporate activities that nourish your mind and body into your daily routine. This could include exercise, meditation, reading, or spending time in nature. Regular physical activity has been shown to reduce stress and improve mood, while mindfulness practices can enhance emotional resilience. Find what works for you and make it a non-negotiable part of your day.

Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness techniques, such as deep breathing and meditation, can help ground you in the present moment and reduce overwhelming feelings. Try focusing on your breath or engaging in guided meditation to foster a sense of calm and clarity. Mindfulness helps to disrupt the cycle of negative thoughts that often accompany burnout.

Seek Support

Don’t hesitate to reach out for support, whether it’s from friends, family, or professionals. Sharing your feelings can lighten the burden and provide new perspectives. Building a support network can make a significant difference in your recovery journey.

Create a Balanced Routine

Finally, aim to create a balanced routine that incorporates work, rest, and leisure. Strive for a harmonious blend of responsibilities and activities that bring joy. Schedule regular breaks throughout your day and make time for hobbies and social interactions. Having a routine that you enjoy and can rest in is beneficial in preventing the cycle from restarting.

Managing burnout requires intentional effort and self-awareness. Recognizing the signs, setting boundaries, prioritizing self-care, practicing mindfulness, seeking support, and creating balance, may help combat burnout. Remember, it’s essential to listen to your body and mind—rest is not a weakness, but a crucial component of a fulfilling life.

OTHER COUNSELING SERVICES WE OFFER IN DENVER, CO & TAMPA, FL

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Providing Empathetic Care to the LGBTQ+ Community

By: Jamie Thornley

There are a few different and important topics to discuss when looking at how to provide empathetic care to members of the LGBTQ+ community.

A few of these topics revolve around general knowledge about the LGBTQ+ community, some of the major issues currently affecting the community, how to create an inclusive environment, and how to challenge discrimination. All of these topics are extremely important to me and I feel are all incredibly important to know about the community and to better understand how to be empathetic and supportive for individuals who identify as LGBTQ+. 

Who is the LGBTQIA2S+ community?

So, who is the LGBTQIA2S+ community? Most people know exactly what we mean when we say the LGBT community and can name, lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender. However, the community involves so many more people than that. So, this is not an extensive list of all of the different identities that make up the LGBTQIA2S+ community, instead, this is a lot of the umbrella terms for the different gender and sexual orientations that make up the community. And sometimes people will have slightly different definitions of these ideas based on beliefs around gender identity and sexual orientation and how those two topics interact. But we will go over the very basics of these. So, lesbians, we are looking at identified females who are attracted to females. Gay is for identified men who are attracted to other men. For bisexual we are talking about individuals who are attracted to more than one sex or gender. Transgender individuals are people who identify as a gender that is different than the gender they were assigned at birth. When we are talking about people who identify as queer we are talking about people who identify outside of the gender or sexual binary and sometimes individuals use this term when they don’t want to label themselves or who don’t identify with one specific label. Intersex individuals are born with sexual characteristics that are not typically seen in binary bodies. Asexual individuals tend to experience little to no sexual attraction and agender individuals tend to identify as having no gender or being gender neutral. Lastly, two-spirit is an identity used by Indigenous North Americans for individuals who have both masculine and feminine qualities. The “+” at the end of the acronym represents all of the individuals within the community that fall under the umbrella terms or who don’t feel as if those terms exactly describe them as an individuals. As of 2024, there are 107 different gender identities recognized within the LGBTQ+ community and there are currently over 600 different types of sexuality and sexual orientations. It’s important when working with the community, to ask questions if someone is using a term or label that you don’t understand and to always continue learning and growing as the community continues to become more inclusive. 

Be Aware of Issues Affecting the LGBTQ+ Community

So, this is the point where people tend to start asking why should I care. It’s 2024, LGBTQ+ people have the same rights as everyone else, so why should this community get special treatment? What makes the LGBTQ+ community so different from everyone else and why should they get special consideration? Here are a few statistics that show why this is important:

  • Most recent census rates show that around 7.6% of the US population, or around 14 million people identify within the LGBTQ+ community.

  • Last year, 39% of LGBTQ+ youth seriously considered suicide. Which is a drastically higher rate compared to their cis-gendered and heterosexual peers.

  • Last year, 1 in 10 LGBTQ+ people attempted suicide.

  • Less than 40% of LGTBQ+ youth report having an affirming and accepting home and family. 

  • Within the United States, 17% of people within the LGBTQ+ community will experience homelessness. And of current homeless youth, over 40% of them identify as being LGTBQ+. 

  • According to the FBI, between 2021 and 2022, hate attacks based on gender identity increased by 32.9% and attacks based on sexual orientation were up by 13.8%.

  • In 2022, more than 1 in 5 hate crimes were solely based on the victim’s status in the LGBTQ+ community and negative biases around the community. So far this year, over 26 individuals have lost their lives solely due to identifying as trans or gender expansive.

  • So far this year, over 530 anti-LGBTQ bills have been introduced throughout the United States. These bills range from redefining sex, censorship in schools, sports bans, forced outings in schools, religious exemptions, restricting healthcare, banning affirming state IDs, and expression restrictions just to name a few. 

How to Create an Inclusive Environment

These statistics and facts continue and build upon one another, creating severe feelings of depression and anxiety within the LGBTQ+ community. Due to that, it’s so important to create an inclusive environment for LGBTQ+ clients and people so they feel safe and know they have environments where they can be themselves. So, how do we create an inclusive environment? So, here are a few ways to help with creating an inclusive environment:

  • Don’t put people into a box. Gender and sexuality are such expansive topics to discuss and understand that it becomes really hard to stick just one label on someone and this be all that they are and fully describe them. It’s also important to remember that gender and sexuality can change and grow over time so people need to be given the space to grow and learn more about themselves without judgment. 

  • Always ask and respect people’s pronouns and chosen names. Show respect for others and their identity.

  • When talking to people, use neutral language. For example, instead of saying hey guys or hey ladies, switch up language to saying hey everyone or remove ma’am and sir from the language, especially when we don’t know someone’s identity. This makes sure you are never assuming someone’s identity and that everyone feels included and welcome. Never assume anything about someone based on their voice, their haircut, or their clothing. 

  • Never out anyone. Sadly, I’ve talked to so many people who have been outed by friends, family, therapists, teachers, and doctors and this puts people in such dangerous situations. Not only to mention, it’s not your story or truth to tell to anyone and it’s not fair to take that away from someone else. 

  • Be a good ally to the community and make it known that you are a safe space for people in the community. This can be done by introducing yourself with your pronouns, volunteering within the community, or putting a pride flag in public spaces to show others they are safe with you. 

  • So keep learning and educating yourself about the community. The LGBTQ+ community is constantly changing and growing to become more inclusive, so just keep trying to learn more and ask questions from people within the community to learn if you don’t know about things they are talking about. 

  • Lastly, have an open mind and try to check your judgments as they come up. 

Challenge Your Biases

There are a lot of biases around the LGBTQ+ community and who makes up the community. A lot of times, people hold prejudices and stereotypes without realizing it. Homophobia and transphobia remain very unconscious forms of biases and can be hard to challenge and notice, sometimes even for people within the community based on ideals they were raised on. Due to this, it is incredibly important to pay attention to your thoughts and beliefs and challenge any of these thoughts that may be negatively biased. You may be wondering how to recognize and challenge biases. So, here are a few quick tips on how to recognize and challenge biases.

  • If you hear comments about a community or person, ask yourself how you would feel if you were in their situation or if someone would say this comment about you. 

  • Engaging in mindfulness and meditation can be incredibly helpful and insightful for looking at your thoughts and why these may be there. 

  • Take time to educate yourself about communities that are different from yours and learn more about what is important to those communities. 

  • Talk to others and ask about their experiences and what is important to them about their community.

OTHER COUNSELING SERVICES WE OFFER IN DENVER, CO & TAMPA, FL

We offer a variety of additional services besides brain-spotting and EMDR therapy. WellMinded Counseling also offers the following therapy services:

What is Play Therapy and How Does it Work?

By: Courtney Miller

Play therapy is a form of psychotherapeutic approach that is mainly focused on children.

It can be used with adults and teens. Therapists are trained to use playtime to observe and gain insights into the difficulties the child is experiencing. Through play, children can learn the ability to properly and better cope with emotions revolving around trauma, divorce, etc., and how to redirect inappropriate behaviors. 

With that being said, 

Play therapy does not have the intention of getting rid of anxiety, getting rid of traumas, getting rid of depression, or getting rid of anything painful or anything that feels uncomfortable such as being bullied or parents going through a divorce. Rather, the therapeutic intention of play therapy is to help (usually) children begin to feel comfortable noticing what is bothering them and finding ways to challenge it all by playing it out. Play therapy allows the child to choose what will happen who they are and who the therapist is. Having the ability to choose and change what happens gives the child the ability to gain acceptance, learn how to communicate, express feelings, modify behavior, develop problem-solving skills, and learn a variety of ways of relating to others. Essentially, when examined all together this can refer to one's overall ability to adapt and respond to various difficulties such as divorce, loss, being bullied, and/or any form of educational/physical development, to continue to live a fulfilling life.

Since the majority of reasons that children are play therapy for happen at home, it is good to meet with parents regularly and set boundaries from the beginning. Depending on the reasons the child is there, a therapist can set aside special sessions for the family to strengthen family systems, attachment, psychodynamic, behavioral, developmental, and of course psychoeducational. This helps the family understand what the child is experiencing and the best therapeutic way to allow the child to continue to grow at home.

In Play Therapy, there are two main types of interventions a therapist will use to help the client. Directive Play Therapy: The therapist sets out with specific interventions and goals in mind. The therapist usually knows where they want to take the discussion. Toys and activities are usually chosen before the client comes. This is set to purposefully attempt to lead the child to discuss the problems at hand.

Non-directive Play Therapy: Therapists allow the child to take the lead. The therapist will normally go along with the child and do whatever is asked. This helps the child to reveal what is naturally troubling them. There are no parameters for these sessions. They don’t purposefully try to guide the child into a pre-planned conversation. As the child does whatever the therapist is given a “natural” track and follows their play themes. The main thing to remember is that non-directive therapists do not interrupt, they let the client lead everything.

Similarities: Even though non-directive and directive have very different forms, it is important to remember they can both be used to help people suffering from the same concerns and conditions. These can be anxiety, ADHD, depression, divorce, bullying, and learning issues. 

OTHER COUNSELING SERVICES WE OFFER IN DENVER, CO & TAMPA, FL

We offer a variety of additional services besides brain-spotting and EMDR therapy. WellMinded Counseling also offers the following therapy services: