Work in Progress: Time Spent Living After an Eating Disorder

Coming out about my own mental health history is always something I struggle with as a therapist. Worried about blurring boundaries with my clients, with colleagues, with the public at large. In the same mindset, I’m a human, I have human problems and there is no shame in that. So I’ve been slowly working on something that I don’t know exactly what it will become, but its my story and my sole home of telling my story is that others will relate, grow, feel connected, and find hope. So I’ve taken a small excerpt of what I’ve written and wanted to share it. Even if it helps one person, thats enough.

“When I finally minimized the time I spent thinking about food, and my body size, I had time to think about so many other important, inspirational, creative and fulfilling things that simply didn't have space in my life before recovery. I don’t want to convey that I’m a pro at intuitive eating says, but I do my best and this is a huge part of how I recovered and why I had more free mental space.

Full disclosure: There are some days I notice myself being worried about my weight, or whether I will look good in an outfit, or I compare myself to someone else, I’m not perfect. So this is me being honest with myself. I live in this dialectic space of recovery by reminding myself the whole world is obsessed with these things, so if I think about it, that doesn't mean I am out of recovery. My progress has allowed me to not have food and my body be my primary focus in life, and realize that my worth as a human isn’t attached to my body size. I feel confident that I keep practicing honoring my body, trusting myself and keep morals out of food then I have made progress and I’m in love with that progress. “

Starving for the Good: An Anorexic's Search for Meaning & Perfection | Elisabeth Huh

Finding these personal stories of recovery have been truly inspirational, which has encourages me to continue to share with you all!

Struggling with ED

Recently I've found it quite helpful for clients to separate the voice of their Eating Disorder from their own voice. To help personify this additional voice its often called ED in the world of Eating Disorder treatment, which I believe originated from the book "Life Without Ed: How One Woman Declared Independence from Her Eating Disorder and How You Can Too" by Jenni Schaefer. 

By separating these two voices, the hope is that you can regain some power in your own voice, and remind yourself that its the ED that is telling you to restrict, binge, purge. over exercise etc.

An eating disorder becomes a relationship, and this relationship although abusive becomes whats closet to you, what comforts you when you feel out of control, and what can uniquely torcher you. This relationship can last for years like a nasty marriage that hides in the shadows of pain, isolation, and secrecy. Its never too early to divorce your relationship with ED, no matter how daunting it seems, hope is around the corner. 

Here are 5 steps you can take to separate yourself from ED:

1. Call it out for what it is, it's a painfully annoying relationship with your body, food, emotions and thoughts. Its an eating disorder

2. Seek out support from family and friends that are strong supporters 

3. Work to notice what thoughts are ED thoughts and what thoughts are your own

4. When facing an ED thought, think of what facts, evidence, proof you have to dispel the ED thought

5. Reach out for help from a professional 

Risk Averse, What Are We Giving Up?

Being risk adverse is often seen as a cowardly way of dealing with life. Perhaps it turns into a list of pros and cons, and then later a list of rules in which to live by. Feeling as though things need to be measured in order to avoid error can become a source of neuroticism. Leaving making a decision especially and unplanned one may cause disruption in life. 

There are three different emotional states that can influence decision making: Your current emotional state (i.e. How do you feel while you are making a decision?) Your past emotional state (i.e. How did you feel anticipating your decision?) Your future emotional state (i.e. How will your decision affect how you feel in the future; What effect will the decision have on your emotional well-being?). This can drive someone to not make a decision at all, or once they make one, continue to remake the same decision so the results are expected. 

Bringing me to my point about how fear can lead to feeling a strong need to be in control, and stay in control in each circumstance that you can. This can often lead to issues like depression, anxiety, eating disorders, addictions, and overall poor mental health. 

Which brings me back to the question "What are we giving up?" when we deeply want control, to avoid risk, to have nothing unplanned?  Off the top, happiness, the willingness to be flexible, cooperative with others, freedom to make a mistake, failing forward, and so many other positive things that can bring more peace.

Yet, those that are risk averse won't allow themselves to experience these things due to the fear of not being in control is so overwhelming. 

Here are some things to practice to be less risk averse/controlling:

1. Practice trusting yourself

2. If you make a mistake, remember you are doing the best you can

3. Remind yourself the world won't fall apart when you let go of control

4. Allow others to help you manage things/help you

5. Try something different the next time a decision needs to be made

Eating Disorders Do Not Discriminate