How to “Fight” More Fairly With Your Partner

How to “Fight” More Fairly With Your Partner

By: Regina Hopkins, LPC

“Attacked,” “Betrayed,” “Insulted,” “Invalidated,” “Blamed,” “Diminished,” “Disrespected.” These are just some of the words that you might hear when in a heated argument with your partner or loved ones. However, when we use these words, they are not likely to serve us a useful purpose or create a connection with the other person. In fact, they usually add more fuel to the fire and don’t help to de-escalate the situation. The person hearing the words listed above will usually become defensive and you two will start arguing about the word being used, rather than the actual issue(s) at hand.

We often use the words listed above following the words, “I feel…” However, have you ever stopped to consider the power of the words you’re actually using? These words, although we can make them sound as if they are a feeling word, are actually not feelings. They are a thought. To be more accurate they are usually an evaluation of someone else’s behavior or a feeling word mixed with a thought or judgment. What you might actually be feeling could be better described with real/authentic feeling words such as: “vulnerable,” “insecure,” “sad” “worried,” “withdrawn,” “confused,” “restless”.

When in a heated argument with your partner it is best to stick to real/authentic feeling words and that will keep you on track to a quicker path to resolution.

You may find a list of authentic feeling words here:

https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/feelings-inventory

You can also find a list of pseudo–feelings (a feeling mixed with a thought or evaluation) here:

https://ellyvanlaar.com/list-of-pseudo-feelings-feelings-mixed-with-a-thought/

How to Rekindle Old Friendships?!

I often find that people feel isolated, disconnected, and lonely. Making friends as young adult or in general any one that finds themselves uncomfortable with communicating with new people. So if you struggle to make new friends, one option is to rekindle friendships that either fell apart, grew distant or have barely started. Here are some quick tips to help build or rebuild friendships:

1. Start by just reaching out. Often times we think that we have to wait around for things to just develop or happen, in life and friendship it often pays to be proactive. If you don't call or text no one knows that you want to talk or connect with them. They may be waiting on you just like you're waiting them on. So stop waiting and pick up the phone.

2. Be the bigger person and apologize. Often times friendships can come to a screaming halt when neither person is willing to concede. Ask yourself, if being "right" really worth loosing a friendship over, is what you stopped talking over really that important, do you think that perhaps things are really a just a misunderstanding? Sometimes you just have to swallow your pride, to let someone in. 

3. Diffuse any conflict with fun. Never avoid conflict just because you’re afraid to work through those issues at hand. Instead, address the problem before it gets out of control – but find a way to make it fun instead of taxing. Talk to them openly, and ask them how you can begin to enjoy each other again rather than fight. 

4. Pretend to get to know the person again.  Start new, rather than holding on toast hurt, assumptions or negativity, start by getting to know the person again as if for the first time, to help form a new, even stronger bond. 

Communicating To Your Parents/Children

At times communicating to a peer can be difficult because they may not be as passionate about the topic or understand the emotions or even see your point of view. Often times the relationships a peer however are not always permanent as they are with your parents, you typically have one set of biological parents, or a different amount or configuration of parents. The point is, is typically the amount of parents a person has is limited so communicating, relating, understanding, managing your relationship with them can be seen as more valuable. 

As one can imagine this is not always rainbows and butterflies, perhaps the relationship is distant, rejecting, enmeshed, controlling, unfulfilling, or other uncomfortable dynamics. How to identify these relationships as dysfunctional is equally important to healing from  and/or changing them.

The distant relationship- I this arrangement both the child and the parent can remain civil, however their is little to no sharing of ideas or feelings. They maintain a business like arrangement where they agree to spoken or unspoken rules in the relationship and don't interfere or offer emotional support.

Underlying emotions/thoughts- apathy, uncomfortable with own and other peoples emotions

The rejecting relationship- In this arrangement one person in the relationship has made a decision to keep the other person at an arms length even though the other person wants to be close. There may be name calling, ridicule, neglect, or overall abandonment towards one of the individuals. 

Underlying emotions/thoughts- fear, pain, insecurity, I'm not good enough, and unworthy of love

The enmeshed relationship- In this arrangement one or both of the people in the relationship forces closeness, creating a dynamic where at least one person does not feel like they can do anything without the persons involvement. Typically the person forcing the closeness is insecure and lonely and feels that the need the other person for constant emotional support.

Underlying emotions/thoughts- please don't leave me, guilt, shame, insecurity and I cannot do this on my own

The controlling relationship- In this arrangement one of the individuals tries to be complete control of the other person. Making sure that they won't make decisions on their own, creating self-doubt in the non-dominate person. The person in control tends to believe that if they let the other person make a choice that everything will fall a part, and remain highly anxious.

Underlying emotions/thoughts- I know best, anger, anxiety, I'm not able to do this, and uncertainty

These are the 4 primary types of relationships I see in my practice (the underlying feelings and thoughts can be had by either party in the relationship), if you can identity with having these types of relationship with your parent or your son or daughter perhaps its time to schedule an appointment and/or make some changes. 

Relationships and Food: Guest Blog By Erika Holmes

Food for thought: The relationship between food and relationships

I've heard it said that "how you do one thing is how you do everything." Patterns we build permeate our lives. In my work with people with eating disorders , I have seen that people's relationships with food are often similar to their relationships with people. If "how you do one thing is how you do everything", then it follows that it would be helpful to notice relational patterns, put them in line with values, and capitalize on the potential for that change to influence other aspects in your life. Sometimes when you move social relationships towards values, your relationship with food shifts as a byproduct. 

Anorexia Nervosa

Relationship with food characterized as: avoidant, fearful, rigid, insufficient, shame around size and hunger. 

How do those patterns show up in relationships? Maybe you isolate or avoid people or avoid situations (likely ones involving food, but probably others as well). Maybe you have social anxiety. Maybe you are rigid with socializing and keep a tight schedule or get nervous is plans change or interactions arent neat and tidy. Maybe your social interactions happen infrequently or are surface level and dont sustain the human need for true connection. Maybe you are scared that being in relationships will feel suffocating or heavy or cause discomfort so you avoid them. Maybe you have a fear that you will be too much or need to much and end up people pleasing or keeping a distance in an attempt to stay small. 

Bulimia Nervosa

Relationship with food characterized as: conflicted, chaotic, secretive, shame based. 

How do those patterns show up in relationships? Maybe you seem to have alot of conflict in relationships. Maybe you struggle with boundaries and when to say "yes" or "no" or "I've had enough". Maybe you experience extreemes in relationships of being very close then very distant. Maybe you have guilt and shame over what you want or need or have done in relationships. Relationships may scare you and you struggle with keeping them in balance and tolerating the discomfort they can sometimes bring. 

Binge Eating Disorder

Relationship with food characterized as: lacking boundaries, lacking sense of control, soothing or escapist. 

How do those patterns show up in relationships? Maybe you struggle with knowing how much to give in relationships and end up people pleasing or going past your limits with relationships. Maybe in relationships you feel like you dont have a voice or that voice isnt respected when you set boundaries or express needs. Maybe you have a difficult time being alone and find people to fill your time, even when you know those people arent "good" for you. Maybe you have codependency traits and regulate your mood through focusing on others. 

These lists certainly arent exhaustive and may not fit everyone perfectly. My intention is simply too spark curiosity. Its not helpful to judge or justify patterns. Better to simply observe them and then do what you can to align food and relationship patterns with long term goals and values.

If you notice that you resonate with any of these food or relational patterns, know that there is help and hope. 

- By Erika Holmes, visit her site at: http://www.coloradocft.com/erika-holmes-lmft/