What I've done in the first 13 Days of the Be Kind to Yourself (Myself) Challenge

First off I want to say that it has been feeling very intentional, uplifting and rewarding to have been doing an act of kindness every day for myself. I hope that others have been following along or hopefully get inspired to go on their own journey of being kind to yourself! Don't forget at the end of the 30 days (March 31st) I'm launching a 7 Day Challenge; Moving towards Self-Love and Self-Acceptance that you have to sign up for by signing up for by emailing me at hello@stephaniekontercounseling.com (which will also give you access to my newsletter, and other workshops, information about giveaways in the future. 

So enough of that, here is the 13 days in review:

Day 1: Gratitude journal; This experience reminded me of just how often I forget to see the positives in life. My favorite metaphor for this struggle is when you look at a rose bush, do you choose to look at the thorns or the flowers... So look at the flowers in life first. 

Day 2: Painting; Painting tends to challenge my need to do things perfectly, so when I intentionally practicing enjoying creating something and doing the best I can, I tend to experience a lot more joy from the experience.  

Day 3: Taking a nap; Oh taking a nap, what a challenging thing to do when you are so used to the go-go-go of life. If you take time to just rest during the day, you'll get benefits like feeling refreshed, like you can restart a day if something challenging has happened, and overall be more focused and alert rather than drained and droopy. 

Day 4: Hiking with my dogs; This activity is honestly one of my favorites, it serves my love for being outside, for getting those exercise endorphins released and spending time with my dogs. For me, this is a must. Your "must" might be something different, find out what it is and do it regularly. 

Day 5: Listen to an audiobook; I do listen to podcasts before bed, or audio books or music when I work out, but this was an intentional act for me to do it in the middle of the day and just relax. Again, not something I am accustomed to, so practicing doing something quite during the day can help you refocus later. 

Day 6: Began working with a personal trainer; Oh man was this a challenge. I'm so used to just doing my own thing at the gym, so when I invited a personal trainer into my life I was a little cautious, but when we got going I remembered what it felt like to be on a team with one goal and mind and that comradery is definitely what I needed to be even more kind to myself in workouts since it boosts my overall level of motivation. 

Day 7: Pre-made healthy breakfast smoothies; Me a breakfast don't always get along, I'm one of those slow to wake up people, so pre-making a healthy smoothie was well worth it, since it served my desire to sleep more other days and that is definitely me working towards my strengths and an act of kindness to myself. 

Day 8: Practiced meditation; Once more this is not something that I typically do, but know it would help me be a better me. So I hope to incorporate this more into my life because taking just those three minutes to focus on my breath and the essential oils definitely calmed my nervous system right down.

Day 9: Pampered my self at a salon; I loved this, my favorite part of any salon trip is the massage I get on my head, my feet, my arms you name it's for me. So even though I got an amazing haircut, I also intentionally focused on my favorite part to soak up all the feel goods. An act of kindness to me!

Day 10: Took time to plan out vacations and fun things; I tend to be a workaholic, so if I don't plan breaks and vacations it won't happen. I can be spontaneous but I tend to be a planner. So making sure I take days off and schedule myself to do fun things I won't feel the impulse to just work through it. So spending that 20-30 minutes to plan felt well spent.

Day 11: Made Kombucha; I love to be creative, I love it when my stomach feels good (a problem since I have IBS), and I love making food/tea/coffee etc. Making Kombucha is an act of kindness because I love it. Anything can be an act of kindness if its something you love. 

Day 12: Cuddled with my dogs; My dogs are my babies, so any time spent with them is rather delightful. When I focus on how we make each other feel good it amplifies that feeling. I love them, and care for them, which fills their needs and they are loyal and help me feel happy when I need some extra love which fills my needs. Its a pretty great partnership we have going on.

Day 13: Roll out my  legs and mindfully apply lotion on my arms and legs; With training for this half marathon and engaging in long distance running, my muscles get sore, my skin gets dry. I get more thristy. So focusing on taking care of myself when I'm not out there hitting the pavement is just as important as being out there. I haven't used my roller as much as I'd like, or used lotion as often as I can, so practicing that was a good reminder of how good it feels and that its worth the time it takes do just put some extra kindness into my life. 

Confusion and Anxiety, Which Came First?

Some emotions are positively correlated while others are negatively correlated. So on a graph they could look like these graphs below. For example a positive relationship would be the homework you have the more stress, which would be a positive relationship, and the more sleep you have less tired you will be is a negative relationship. 

I share that with you because at times it seems like emotions are these things that we can't measure or hold onto. When in fact, recording and graphing them can help you build awareness and potentially insight into what changes can be made to suite your growth and wellness. 

Today, I want to focus on confusion, and why it can often turn into anxiety. In my experience things come up in life and I often find myself asking how did this happen, and i feel so confused on how I feel and what to do. The more I follow this loop I find myself growing increasing anxious.  There have also been times where anxiety comes first, and I feel worried or concerns about what to do, so I come up with a bunch of different solutions and then I feel confused on what is the best step to take. So, these two states feed off of one another and despairing which came first is about as unclear as the Chicken or the Egg debate. 

Here are some ideas on how to manage these feelings: 

• Take deep breaths. Inhale and exhale slowly. 

• Count to 10 slowly. Repeat, and count to 20 if necessary. 

• Do your best. Instead of expecting yourself to be perfect remember to just do the best you can. 

• Accept that you cannot control everything. Put your stress in perspective: Is it really as bad as you think?

• Talk to someone. Tell friends and family you’re feeling overwhelmed, and let them know how they can help you. Talk to a therapist for professional help.

• Evaluate what assumptions you're making. Is this really as serious as I am making it to be. 

• Stay in the Moment. The more mindful you can be, the more in touch with the reality of any situation you'll be. 

What is the Window of Tolerance and Why is it Important?

What Is the Window of Tolerance?

When a person is within their window of tolerance, it is generally the case that the brain is functioning well and can effectively process stimuli. That person is likely to be able to reflect, think rationally, and make decisions calmly without feeling either overwhelmed or withdrawn. Typically I describe this place of calm as being in "Wise Mind".

During times of extreme stress, people often experience periods of either hyper- or hypo-arousal.

• Hyper-arousal, otherwise known as the fight/flight response, is often characterized by hypervigilance, feelings of anxiety and/or panic, and racing thoughts.

• Hypo-arousal, or a freeze response, may cause feelings of emotional numbness, emptiness, or paralysis.

In either of these states, an individual may become unable to process stimuli effectively. The prefrontal cortex region of the brain shuts down, in a manner of speaking, affecting the ability to think rationally and often leading to the development of feelings of dysregulation, which may take the form of chaotic responses or overly rigid ones. In these periods, a person can be said to be outside the window of tolerance.

Getting back into the Window of Tolerance requires the practice of coping skills. Such as practicing mindfulness, deep breathing, positive affirmations, self-soothing skills, and yoga to name a few options.

Notice how your body responds to things differently as you begin to calm down, and then again when fully calm, and finally see how you can challenge yourself to stay within the Window of Tolerance the next time you face stress and/or uncomfortable feelings.  

5 Positive, Uplifting, and Natural Tips to Boost Happiness

Spend time with those you love

• This is an easy way to get endorphins streaming throughout your brain, because when you feel connection, you feel peace, joy, and safe
• The time you have to do this of course may vary for each individual, but making an effort to spend time with someone for even a short time will help

Spending time alone doing something that is a passion

• I know this goes against the first tip, yet honestly it can be just as important to recharge your batteries and happiness mojo if you practice hobbies/passions that are yours
• Taking time to reflect and sort out your thoughts will decrease your drive to perform around others and allow to connect with your inner life

Spend some extra time to sleep

• Research suggests that a huge mental cost occurs when you don't getting enough sleep
• In addition research also suggests that those that sleep less tend to have experience more repetitive negative thoughts

Eating a balanced diet

• There is science around eating certain foods and having that lead to a "happiness" neurotransmitters: Eating foods that are high in protein and specifically have a higher percentage of tryptophan (like turkey, sunflower seeds and pumpkin seeds), will provide much needed tryptophan, the precursor to serotonin. Serotonin is the neurotransmitters that medications such as Prozac is attempting to rebalance in the brain. 
• Having a healthy gut, can provide relief as well, so if you experience GI issues, consult a doctor/nutritionist to see if changes in your diet are necessary

Spend time outside

• Early morning sunlight is more intense and this can boost your body’s production of melatonin in the evening. Serotonin converts to melatonin for a great night’s sleep.
• Getting outside for a 20-minute walk in the early morning sunlight can boost your mood and improve your sleep!
• Plus fresh air, and exercise can promote endorphins in the brain as well

Handling an Intense Emotion

Feelings of failure, sometimes I think I can't seem to escape them. For example, yet again today I experienced this gut wrenching feeling, the thought felt so automatic, as if I couldn't stop it from reading havoc on my brain. It was this overall "wtf", then a "why am I back in this place of feeling like I fail when someone else rejected me". I was totally filled with anger than a deep sadness, angry at them from rejecting me, angry at myself for being in a situation to be rejected, then sadness about the situation playing out as I wanted, sadness for disappointing myself. 

After those feelings floated around for like 10 minutes, I thought "I'm just gonna let myself feel these intense feelings" after all thats what i would suggest any individual i talk to, to do.

Then I reached out for support which kind of helped, i just vented and said that this all just sucked. 

Finally I thought to myself (about 30 minutes into intense emotion sesh) "where can I find trust and gratitude in this experience". Gratitude tends to be easier for me to find, so I thought, "okay I just learned something, I can be grateful for that learning opportunity". Then I search my thoughts and feelings for trust, I landed on the thought "Let me trust my feelings in knowing that that in rejection it was 100% okay to feel angry and sad and I was not over reacting" and that "I can trust that I will be okay if any person rejects me".

So thats my full circle of handling intense emotions, and I writing this as a way to have closure of that intense influx of emotions and as a way to communicate that when you do intentional emotional healing these methods or perhaps ones that work uniquely for you can be developed to help you cope, recover, find meaning and purpose in emotionally charged situations.