Removing Shame

Almost all parents and individuals arrive at this blog with the intention of wanting to help themselves or their teens. Perhaps you're thinking what is it going to take to finally be free of this pain and hurt, or perhaps you are in a "fix it" mode. Either way, you'll want to think about how to go about it in a healthy, effective and productive manner. There are tips on how to remove shame from parents and when "parenting yourself" with that inner voice, which I will list in a little bit. First off what is "shame" it is the inner experience of being "not wanted", it is feeling worthless, rejection, and being cast-out. Shame can be so painful, and debilitating that people develop a thousand coping strategies, conscious and unconscious, numbing and destructive, to avoid its tortures and soul crushing ways. Shame is the worst possible thing that can happen, because shame, in its profoundest meaning, conveys that one is not fit to live in one's own community or exist in a family unit without complying to its standards. It often creates unhealthy core beliefs in a person, such as believing they are always the victim or always the abuser, it sets people up to have low self-esteem, often the individual develops a controlling, rigid, and perfectionist personality. 

So to move beyond shame here are some helpful tips:

  • Start by loving yourself. Look inward and see that you need loving-kindness and let go of the guilt over past wrong deeds and realize that you are not bad. Perhaps you've done "bad things" and regret them and vow not to repeat them, but you are not bad.
  • Create affirmations that allow you to be who you are without any contingencies, example "I am smart, capable, and beautiful" or "I can do anything I put my mind to".

  • Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable is part of feeling connected. It’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives. When we’re willing to risk being vulnerable and fully human, we open to our humanity. Vulnerability is big medicine. It is the truth that sets you free, lightens your heart, and heals your world.

  • Find some humor in your situation. Shame can’t live in an atmosphere of humor and light. Having a laugh at yourself, the Universe or at your circumstances can help to release any anger and tension associated with your shame. 

  • Own your story, because its all you, and it doesn't need to be in the dark no matter what your story is. By keeping your story in the dark, you are giving it power. Talk to your therapist, journal, talk to a trusted individual and tell your story when you feel safe enough to do so. 

Use these tools and you can help yourself heal from issues around:

  • Addiction
  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • Eating disorders
  • Perfectionism and other compulsive behaviors
  • Chronic pain
  • Digestive issues
  • Social phobias

Reach out today if you'd like to find out more ways to work towards healing from Shame. 

Eating Disorder Recovery Mindset

“In any given moment we have two options: to step forward into growth or to step back into safety.”

– Abraham Maslow

Eating Disorder Recovery has a lot to do with change of body, mind and spirit. Which is why I find this quote to be relevant and had me thinking about whats important, and how we tend to make decisions. We make decisions based on what we know, what we feel comfortable with, and what we expect the outcome to be. By making decisions based on these factors over and over again, there is very little progress. We all need to get uncomfortable emotionally if we want to take a step forward into growth.

Risks to take in life, involve trusting in yourself and trusting in the universe. Decisions we make are dependent on our subconscious mindset, so creating a mindset of abundance, hope and gratefulness can really allow us to trust more.  The number one thing that helps change this is: Engage in positive self-talk!

The way that you talk to yourself is your reality.  Thus, your results in the world all start and end with your thinking! So start to change this up with your internal dialogue. Encourage yourself. Compliment yourself. Reward yourself. But also make sure to stay realistic and grounded. It’ll help you stay focused on your journey and realistic about what you can achieve and how soon.

Teaching Adolescents About Healthy Relationships

How many times did you hear this as a kid? (To be clear "boy" can be easily swapped out for the correct gender pronoun)

"The boys on the playground are mean to you because they secretly like you?" OR "All boys want is to get in your pants."

I heard them several times each, and looking back these comments helped establish an unhealthy outlook on what relationships look like. I believed that if a guy is mean to me, that must mean he wants me to try to attach more, or tolerate the jerky comments in order to obtain his affection. Then later I began to believe that boys were to be avoided at all costs because they just want to use me... Wow, how confusing? 

I've put some thought into it, and perhaps these revised statements may help send a healthier message:

"If the boys on the playground are mean, what away because you don't deserve that" AND "If a boy likes you, he will respect you and respect your boundaries." 

These statements can teach children and teens that respect, self-love, and having personal boundaries are key components to having healthy relationships. 

Importance of Engaging with you Teenager

What does it look like when you're showing up as emotionally unavailable?

 As a parent its likely that their are unresolved emotional problems that root back to childhood. Often struggle with coping skills and  emotional and psychological needs are not being meet or healed.  As a result, a parent continues to lack self-awareness and often become one of the following:  rejecting, emotionally distant, immature, self-centered or narcissistic, or driven to succeed in life.  The way this looks in a parent:

  • Rigidity (unwillingness to be flexible when needed)
  •  Low stress tolerance (inability to tolerate stress in a mature manner)
  •  Emotional instability with aggression (anger outbursts characterized by threats of physical aggression, suicidal gesture, cutting behaviors or other acts of self-harm)
  • Poor boundaries (desiring to be their child’s friend instead of a parent)
  •  Unstable relationships (multiple partners or friends who create more trouble than peace)
  •  Attention-seeking (looking for accolades, recognition, or support at all costs) among many other characteristics.

How does this effect their child?

They often push their child to become adult-like and emotional independent before their time. Sadly, these same kids develop into emotionally needy teens and adults who are longing for the love, security, and affection they never received. The symptoms look like:

  • Struggle with long-term relationships causing a series of short-term and unstable relationships.
  • Develop defense and protective mechanisms
  • Resist having trusting and secure in their relationships
  • Experience unstable, emotionally labile moods which can lead to frequent arguments, paranoia, blaming, and physical or verbal aggression
  • Develop ineffective coping skills such as self-harm, eating disorders, substance abuse
  • Lack of identity and direction
  • Loss of hope, joy and happiness

So with that information what can a parent do?

The good news is this: all you as a parent have to do is really be there with your body and your heart. 

You don’t have to be perfect. 

You don’t have to always be paying close attention and share your life’s dreams over dinner

Take care of yourself by reaching out to resources such as therapy or support groups

  1. Have no screen time limits. During those times (meals, for example) turn your phone off and put it in another room.
  2. Make a habit of asking your child questions and really listening to their responses.
  3. Don’t immediately give consequences to their negative behaviors, do some investigating and see if something deeper is at work.
  4. Apologize humbly to your kids if you mess up.
  5. Give children eye contact and physical touch. It’s good for their brains.

Children don’t need grand gestures to feel loved. It is the small daily moments where we can them our love and acceptance. Children are still simple and their needs are self-evident.

They need to know we care. 

They need to know they belong. 

They need to know we’re available.