Therapist Blog

healthy relationships

How to Rekindle Old Friendships?!

I often find that people feel isolated, disconnected, and lonely. Making friends as young adult or in general any one that finds themselves uncomfortable with communicating with new people. So if you struggle to make new friends, one option is to rekindle friendships that either fell apart, grew distant or have barely started. Here are some quick tips to help build or rebuild friendships:

1. Start by just reaching out. Often times we think that we have to wait around for things to just develop or happen, in life and friendship it often pays to be proactive. If you don't call or text no one knows that you want to talk or connect with them. They may be waiting on you just like you're waiting them on. So stop waiting and pick up the phone.

2. Be the bigger person and apologize. Often times friendships can come to a screaming halt when neither person is willing to concede. Ask yourself, if being "right" really worth loosing a friendship over, is what you stopped talking over really that important, do you think that perhaps things are really a just a misunderstanding? Sometimes you just have to swallow your pride, to let someone in. 

3. Diffuse any conflict with fun. Never avoid conflict just because you’re afraid to work through those issues at hand. Instead, address the problem before it gets out of control – but find a way to make it fun instead of taxing. Talk to them openly, and ask them how you can begin to enjoy each other again rather than fight. 

4. Pretend to get to know the person again.  Start new, rather than holding on toast hurt, assumptions or negativity, start by getting to know the person again as if for the first time, to help form a new, even stronger bond. 

Relationships: Is yours toxic?

If you're questioning whether you are in a toxic relationship or not, here are some clear indicators that suggest that it is a toxic relationship:

  • Feeling as though they are to blame for the other person's actions

  • Having to walk around on eggshells to keep the other person happy

  • Not feeling comfortable expressing how they feel

  • Avoid all conflict with significant other

  • Engage in intense conflict often, expressing criticism or negatively about the person

  • Feel trapped in the relationship

  • Using a third party to communicate important things

  • Avoid setting boundaries with the other person

  • Experience difficulty respecting their own boundaries

  • Feeling jealousy often, over things the other person has, or if their partner is flirting with another person

  • Not feeling emotionally supported 

  • Persistent unreliability or predictability

After that, I imagine you'd be asking, can this be "fixed"? I tend to believe that most relationships can be mended if both people agree with the basic premise of respecting themselves and the other person. Working on things together cohesively, and having it be more than one person's effort to change things. 

Actionable steps might be:

  • Sitting and communicating using "I" statements, for example, "I feel angry when I am left out of decision making" 

  • Doing things together that you both enjoy

  • Telling the other person what you value about them

  • Stay in the present in conversations so to avoid having a laundry list of things your partner has done "wrong"

  • Reminding yourself that neither of you are perfect and forgiveness heals not only the relationship but also yourself

You may find that in your relationship you may both communicate that things need to change but it doesn't, or that one person wants it more. At that point increasing your awareness of what you want out of the relationship and life are key. Seeking help sooner rather than later may be of benefit, often when you are in the relationship you are the least objective. 

Teaching Adolescents About Healthy Relationships

How many times did you hear this as a kid? (To be clear "boy" can be easily swapped out for the correct gender pronoun)

"The boys on the playground are mean to you because they secretly like you?" OR "All boys want is to get in your pants."

I heard them several times each, and looking back these comments helped establish an unhealthy outlook on what relationships look like. I believed that if a guy is mean to me, that must mean he wants me to try to attach more, or tolerate the jerky comments in order to obtain his affection. Then later I began to believe that boys were to be avoided at all costs because they just want to use me... Wow, how confusing? 

I've put some thought into it, and perhaps these revised statements may help send a healthier message:

"If the boys on the playground are mean, what away because you don't deserve that" AND "If a boy likes you, he will respect you and respect your boundaries." 

These statements can teach children and teens that respect, self-love, and having personal boundaries are key components to having healthy relationships.