Communicating To Your Parents/Children

At times communicating to a peer can be difficult because they may not be as passionate about the topic or understand the emotions or even see your point of view. Often times the relationships a peer however are not always permanent as they are with your parents, you typically have one set of biological parents, or a different amount or configuration of parents. The point is, is typically the amount of parents a person has is limited so communicating, relating, understanding, managing your relationship with them can be seen as more valuable. 

As one can imagine this is not always rainbows and butterflies, perhaps the relationship is distant, rejecting, enmeshed, controlling, unfulfilling, or other uncomfortable dynamics. How to identify these relationships as dysfunctional is equally important to healing from  and/or changing them.

The distant relationship- I this arrangement both the child and the parent can remain civil, however their is little to no sharing of ideas or feelings. They maintain a business like arrangement where they agree to spoken or unspoken rules in the relationship and don't interfere or offer emotional support.

Underlying emotions/thoughts- apathy, uncomfortable with own and other peoples emotions

The rejecting relationship- In this arrangement one person in the relationship has made a decision to keep the other person at an arms length even though the other person wants to be close. There may be name calling, ridicule, neglect, or overall abandonment towards one of the individuals. 

Underlying emotions/thoughts- fear, pain, insecurity, I'm not good enough, and unworthy of love

The enmeshed relationship- In this arrangement one or both of the people in the relationship forces closeness, creating a dynamic where at least one person does not feel like they can do anything without the persons involvement. Typically the person forcing the closeness is insecure and lonely and feels that the need the other person for constant emotional support.

Underlying emotions/thoughts- please don't leave me, guilt, shame, insecurity and I cannot do this on my own

The controlling relationship- In this arrangement one of the individuals tries to be complete control of the other person. Making sure that they won't make decisions on their own, creating self-doubt in the non-dominate person. The person in control tends to believe that if they let the other person make a choice that everything will fall a part, and remain highly anxious.

Underlying emotions/thoughts- I know best, anger, anxiety, I'm not able to do this, and uncertainty

These are the 4 primary types of relationships I see in my practice (the underlying feelings and thoughts can be had by either party in the relationship), if you can identity with having these types of relationship with your parent or your son or daughter perhaps its time to schedule an appointment and/or make some changes. 

Group Therapy Offerings

Here is a shameless plug for my services. Connect with me today if you're interested in having you or your teen join a group. 

What parents should be doing to teach their kids/teens to feel good about their bodies?!?

Limit what you can from your daughter’s/son's exposure to the media and popular culture when they are young. This is valuable because it will allow them to develop their creativity, imagination and their own ideas from experiencing relationships and first hand experiences. Of course as they grow, media messages will start to get in, so having rules and routines from the start can help them control their own experiences as they grow and mature. As we all know there is helpful and healthy messages to take in, but there is also so many unhelpful and unhealthy messages out their, and having them be early and skeptical about some message will help them be informed consumers. 

Help them process the messages in the media. Often times there is such a limited focus in the media, try to help them avoid the narrow focus on appearance and consumerism that often dominates the media. By helping your daughter/son process the messages they see on the screen and develop their own ideas about them, you can prepare them to better resist the media’s pervasive stereotypes, and privileges that are displayed all throughout the media. Sit and have a conversation that is open and honest about your experiencing consuming media, and ask them to do the same. 

Avoid making negative comments about your own body. When adults make comments about their own body, children often feel like they most join in, even if it doesn't make much sense to them. When the conversation about dinner starts off with "I ate too much at lunch, I'm only going to have a salad for dinner, so I can fit into that dress I bought for the cruise", your kid begins to want to imitate that, just as they have learned just about everything else for you. As a teen it does take on a life of its own, and they will either reject that message completely (which can also be unhealthy) or follow that message exactly (which again can also be unhealthy). Its best to take a neutral stance about food, not labeling them as "good" or "bad", as well as teach your children to eat when they are hungry and stop eating when full. 

Avoid commenting on other peoples weight loss or weight gain. A lot of parents congratulate kids on losing weight or even find themselves saying things like “That outfit looks great on you – so slimming!” But all this does is remind kids/teens that they are more loveable and valued when skinny. If a child really does have a weight related health issue, addressing that with a trained health professional will be a lot more effective that reinforcing the inaccurate message that losing weight is a cure-all for everything from illness to social problems that kids/teens already get every day in the rest of their lives.

Teach children to take a holistic approach to their health and happiness. Often times parents can be overly focused on one aspect of their kids/teens life, for example the parents who get really jazzed about their kids sports, or their kids grades or their kids friendships, or their kids body shape. Just like you as a parent that wears the variety of hats of mom, career women, stay at home mom, coach, wife, teacher, nurse, etc. your kid/teen offers all types of those things too. For example, lets say you really want your teen to get into the best college, so you focus in on their grades to the point that you talk about them at least 3-5 times a week, or you ask to talk to their teachers, or you simply primary reward them with praise when they do well in school. This can lead a child to become so focused on pleasing you and the expectations that have been set, and ignore other strengths they have, like being a good friend, or acting in a school play or just being a teen. I say this all, to promote their be balance in a kids life, focus on mental health, academic success, their happiness, their relationships, their physical health and all things in between. If you do this as they grow they will be more resilient as adults and things will take care of themselves, so stop putting so much pressure on yourself and on them. 

Teach Kids That Weight Gain and Changes to Body Shape Are a Needed and Expected Part of Getting Older. For a lot of kids, the changes of puberty are rough. Bodies can morph from something familiar to something foreign seemingly overnight. Often, that means that adolescents develop more visible body fat, and girls, in particular, may develop breasts and see their hips, butts, thighs, and bellies grow. But this is not a problem. It is a just sign that someone is growing up. Kids should be reminded that we need fat on our bodies. It’s crucial for brain development, for menstruation, and to keep us warm – just to name a few basics. 

If you want to learn more on this connect with Stephanie Konter-O'Hara, LPC at the Contact page

Teaching Adolescents About Healthy Relationships

How many times did you hear this as a kid? (To be clear "boy" can be easily swapped out for the correct gender pronoun)

"The boys on the playground are mean to you because they secretly like you?" OR "All boys want is to get in your pants."

I heard them several times each, and looking back these comments helped establish an unhealthy outlook on what relationships look like. I believed that if a guy is mean to me, that must mean he wants me to try to attach more, or tolerate the jerky comments in order to obtain his affection. Then later I began to believe that boys were to be avoided at all costs because they just want to use me... Wow, how confusing? 

I've put some thought into it, and perhaps these revised statements may help send a healthier message:

"If the boys on the playground are mean, what away because you don't deserve that" AND "If a boy likes you, he will respect you and respect your boundaries." 

These statements can teach children and teens that respect, self-love, and having personal boundaries are key components to having healthy relationships. 

Importance of Engaging with you Teenager

What does it look like when you're showing up as emotionally unavailable?

 As a parent its likely that their are unresolved emotional problems that root back to childhood. Often struggle with coping skills and  emotional and psychological needs are not being meet or healed.  As a result, a parent continues to lack self-awareness and often become one of the following:  rejecting, emotionally distant, immature, self-centered or narcissistic, or driven to succeed in life.  The way this looks in a parent:

• Rigidity (unwillingness to be flexible when needed)
•  Low stress tolerance (inability to tolerate stress in a mature manner)
•  Emotional instability with aggression (anger outbursts characterized by threats of physical aggression, suicidal gesture, cutting behaviors or other acts of self-harm)
• Poor boundaries (desiring to be their child’s friend instead of a parent)
•  Unstable relationships (multiple partners or friends who create more trouble than peace)
•  Attention-seeking (looking for accolades, recognition, or support at all costs) among many other characteristics.

How does this effect their child?

They often push their child to become adult-like and emotional independent before their time. Sadly, these same kids develop into emotionally needy teens and adults who are longing for the love, security, and affection they never received. The symptoms look like:

• Struggle with long-term relationships causing a series of short-term and unstable relationships.
• Develop defense and protective mechanisms
• Resist having trusting and secure in their relationships
• Experience unstable, emotionally labile moods which can lead to frequent arguments, paranoia, blaming, and physical or verbal aggression
• Develop ineffective coping skills such as self-harm, eating disorders, substance abuse
• Lack of identity and direction
• Loss of hope, joy and happiness

So with that information what can a parent do?

The good news is this: all you as a parent have to do is really be there with your body and your heart. 

You don’t have to be perfect. 

You don’t have to always be paying close attention and share your life’s dreams over dinner

Take care of yourself by reaching out to resources such as therapy or support groups

1. Have no screen time limits. During those times (meals, for example) turn your phone off and put it in another room.
2. Make a habit of asking your child questions and really listening to their responses.
3. Don’t immediately give consequences to their negative behaviors, do some investigating and see if something deeper is at work.
4. Apologize humbly to your kids if you mess up.
5. Give children eye contact and physical touch. It’s good for their brains.

Children don’t need grand gestures to feel loved. It is the small daily moments where we can them our love and acceptance. Children are still simple and their needs are self-evident.

They need to know we care. 

They need to know they belong. 

They need to know we’re available.