What does it look like when you're showing up as emotionally unavailable?
As a parent its likely that their are unresolved emotional problems that root back to childhood. Often struggle with coping skills and emotional and psychological needs are not being meet or healed. As a result, a parent continues to lack self-awareness and often become one of the following: rejecting, emotionally distant, immature, self-centered or narcissistic, or driven to succeed in life. The way this looks in a parent:
- Rigidity (unwillingness to be flexible when needed)
- Low stress tolerance (inability to tolerate stress in a mature manner)
- Emotional instability with aggression (anger outbursts characterized by threats of physical aggression, suicidal gesture, cutting behaviors or other acts of self-harm)
- Poor boundaries (desiring to be their child’s friend instead of a parent)
- Unstable relationships (multiple partners or friends who create more trouble than peace)
- Attention-seeking (looking for accolades, recognition, or support at all costs) among many other characteristics.
How does this effect their child?
They often push their child to become adult-like and emotional independent before their time. Sadly, these same kids develop into emotionally needy teens and adults who are longing for the love, security, and affection they never received. The symptoms look like:
- Struggle with long-term relationships causing a series of short-term and unstable relationships.
- Develop defense and protective mechanisms
- Resist having trusting and secure in their relationships
- Experience unstable, emotionally labile moods which can lead to frequent arguments, paranoia, blaming, and physical or verbal aggression
- Develop ineffective coping skills such as self-harm, eating disorders, substance abuse
- Lack of identity and direction
- Loss of hope, joy and happiness
So with that information what can a parent do?
The good news is this: all you as a parent have to do is really be there with your body and your heart.
You don’t have to be perfect.
You don’t have to always be paying close attention and share your life’s dreams over dinner
Take care of yourself by reaching out to resources such as therapy or support groups
- Have no screen time limits. During those times (meals, for example) turn your phone off and put it in another room.
- Make a habit of asking your child questions and really listening to their responses.
- Don’t immediately give consequences to their negative behaviors, do some investigating and see if something deeper is at work.
- Apologize humbly to your kids if you mess up.
- Give children eye contact and physical touch. It’s good for their brains.
Children don’t need grand gestures to feel loved. It is the small daily moments where we can them our love and acceptance. Children are still simple and their needs are self-evident.
They need to know we care.
They need to know they belong.
They need to know we’re available.