When you can't always get what you want...

You know when you were a kid, everyone would tell you that "you're gonna miss this time", and you felt like telling them "nah, being an adult is gonna be awesome, because I will make it so". Well turns out, perhaps they were right... On the other hand maybe its all a matter of perspective, and you're life is actually pretty amazing?

Ask yourself, do you have love in your life? Do you have time to do things that you enjoy? Do you feel safe?

If any of these answers is "no" or "not really", then its time to change this perspective, and start giving these things to yourself. Since what's missing from childhood is these things typically being handed to you. If they weren't handed to you, you probably found a way to cope with not having them, but as an young adult or adult these coping skills are now more maladaptive then they are helpful. (This is common for most people, since typically emotional intelligence is something that needs to be worked on just as academic intelligence is).

So....

Ask yourself what did my parents or guardians give me as a child that I now have to provide myself?

And, what coping skills worked as a child, but are now interfering with my happiness and success?

Give love, time, and safety to yourself. Validate, encourage, and comfort yourself. Looking for others to provide it to you, is a struggle, so its healthiest to put that support on yourself first, then continue to look for those qualities in others.

As far as maladaptive coping skills that are no longer working, well that can be a variety of things, some that you may not even be initially aware of. Which is why I recommend talking to an objective person that help provide you deeper insight. Other ways are by journaling your thoughts and behaviors to see if there is a link between feelings that you crave or are feeling and the behaviors you act on. Mindfulness is an excellent way to slow yourself down enough to notice these behaviors and thoughts. Meditation, yoga, or simply being in the moment are excellent ways to practice mindfulness.

For further suggestions connect with me here

Judgemental frenemies

Frenemy: a person with whom one is friendly despite a fundamental dislike or rivalry.

We have all had them (at least it seems), someone we keep in our life because we want to fix them, or are to scared to say "no" to them, or we simply want to earn their approval. These thoughts and feelings can not only impact our relationship with them, it can effect our relationship with others and ourselves. Why may that be?

We want to change who we are to fit in with them?

We want to change who they are because they need "fixing"?

We want them to be happy?

We think they "need us"?

We are afraid of what they will say to others if we don't do everything they say?

We want to hold onto every relationship we have because we don't want to be alone?

etc...

See if these statements or one akin to these sounds like it fits how you feel about someone in your life. Do you feel comfortable, safe, and like yourself in these relationships? How much energy is consumed by participating in this relationship? Is this relationship benefiting you and them or either or?

To change this problem, look for friends who value you, value what you like, or what you do. People who share similar morals, ethics and values. Look for someone that you can bring any topic or conversation up with. Honor yourself and take the step to move away from Frenemies. You deserve more than that!

Eating Disorders, moving past the stigma...

Shame is an ugly, nasty, and happiness stealing emotion. There is little progress on the road to recovery if its plagued with shame, or stigma.

Shame can show up in two ways, external and internal.

External shame is this real or perceived lower status results in feeling worthless and thinking that you don’t have anything of value to offer the world. When others shame individuals the feeling of hopelessness and despair elevate in those already suffering.

What this looks like is: "You're fine, suck it up" or "Just eat something and get over yourself" or "I wish, I was that thin" or "I don't believe you have an actual problem, its all in your head" are just a few examples.

Internal shame is thisdeep rending of the soul that causes us to exclaim, “Why did I do that? I don’t have any self-control” or having other versions of negative self talk...

When anyone shames or stigmatizes themselves they move further from recovery and deeper into the trap of being sick.

Its the language that needs to change.

We can move from one side to the other by changing our word choice, changing our perspective, to start being vulnerable and have the courage to talk about topics that don't gloss over the issue but help face it.

It can start in therapy, in support groups with a close friend that understands. The change just has to start before anything gets better.

"I feel fat"... How hearing this has me feeling some kind of way

When I hear "body hate" verbiage, it has my skin crawling.

Tolerating hearing people say:

"My friend told me I am getting too round.."

"Does this dress make me look fat..."

"I am always trying to squeeze my body into..."

"I think I need to diet..."

"No pain, no gain..."

etc...

All of these statements continue the discussion and spread of body hate, fueling the negative self-talk in our heads, and depriving us from joy of where we are in that moment. Suddenly we become so body focused, we forget what other feelings we are experiences and the mind most likely goes straight to "what's wrong" with you. Its time to set boundaries, change the conversation.

The conversation can look like:

"I am valuable"

"I am important, in every size"

"My body is my own, and I will honor it"

"I feel strong and hopeful"

"I am me, and that is perfect"

If you can find yourself stating these things or others like it, these conversations that you'll overhear or maybe be a part of, will have less emotional and mental impact on you. You'll grow tolerant and may be able to change the conversation to something healthy.

Tapping into Creativity

Whether you believe it or not, we all have a creative side. Your creative side can look like building a project, paint, writing, drawing, singing, dancing, decorating, cooking, and even problem solving to name a few. By giving yourself time to express yourself in a creative way, you are fulfilling a need we all have to be different, to make something, to find a sense of purpose perhaps.

Have you found reasons on why not to let your creative self soar before?

Perhaps you don't believe you're "good enough" or you don't have the time or that its a waste of your resources.... Well I challenge you to confront those thoughts, and make a vow to yourself to break out of your routine and tap into your creativity. I bet you'll be glad you did!