Relationships: Is yours toxic?

If you're questioning whether you are in a toxic relationship or not, here are some clear indicators that suggest that it is a toxic relationship:

• Feeling as though they are to blame for the other person's actions

• Having to walk around on eggshells to keep the other person happy

• Not feeling comfortable expressing how they feel

• Avoid all conflict with significant other

• Engage in intense conflict often, expressing criticism or negatively about the person

• Feel trapped in the relationship

• Using a third party to communicate important things

• Avoid setting boundaries with the other person

• Experience difficulty respecting their own boundaries

• Feeling jealousy often, over things the other person has, or if their partner is flirting with another person

• Not feeling emotionally supported 

• Persistent unreliability or predictability

After that, I imagine you'd be asking, can this be "fixed"? I tend to believe that most relationships can be mended if both people agree with the basic premise of respecting themselves and the other person. Working on things together cohesively, and having it be more than one person's effort to change things. 

Actionable steps might be:

• Sitting and communicating using "I" statements, for example, "I feel angry when I am left out of decision making" 

• Doing things together that you both enjoy

• Telling the other person what you value about them

• Stay in the present in conversations so to avoid having a laundry list of things your partner has done "wrong"

• Reminding yourself that neither of you are perfect and forgiveness heals not only the relationship but also yourself

You may find that in your relationship you may both communicate that things need to change but it doesn't, or that one person wants it more. At that point increasing your awareness of what you want out of the relationship and life are key. Seeking help sooner rather than later may be of benefit, often when you are in the relationship you are the least objective. 

Featured in an Article in: Simply Me

Being that summer is write around the corner there are articles, blog posts, and videos being posted everywhere about "slimming down" for summer or how to find the perfect suit. Here is a blog post that has a similar theme with a completely different message. plus I contributed to the post so please take a look: Body Confidence in Plus Size Swimwear 

When we decided to disown our bodies for the shape they are we also disown and dishonor ourselves for the people we are. The greater times in which we find ourselves with shame being the leading voice, the more depressed and anxious we will find ourselves. However, when we throw out the shame by deleting "I should", "I hate", "They are better", "I will never" and things of the like we begin to accept ourselves, even if its on the radical level of just accepting thats where we are at even if we don't like it. All of this push and pull we demand of ourselves is unreasonable and in fact will not get us to where we want to be in a healthy way. 

If we can integrate mindful approaches to the way in which we engage in life evidence from my own life as well as research from people like Zindel Segal, PHD (The creator of Mindfulness-based Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) have proven that being mindful will yield healthier and more satisfying results. 

Here are some practices to begin incorporating in your daily life as it relates to body-image: 

1. Begin to bath yourself mindfully, appreciating how soap, lotion and or other bath products feels on your skin as its applied. This can shifts your attention away from your appearance towards how your body feels. To be aware of the present moment you must be present in your body.

2. Exercise and feel your heart rate, sweat, or how your arms and legs feel while doing it. Practice yoga for example to gain further awareness of where your body is in space. When exercise is only seen as a weight loss method, it can often lose some of the other positive mental health effects such as stress reduction. 

3. Allow yourself to be proud of what your body can do. When you notice improvements in your physical health/body (no matter how small), take the time to pause and celebrate your progress. Then reward yourself by increasing your self-care perhaps by getting a massage or a facial or even buying a book you've been wanting to read.

Read other posts in my blog as I comment on mindfulness and body image throughout it in various ways as it relates to your mental health. 

6 Reasons Why Everyone Can Benefit from Counseling

Going to therapy can be helpful even in a preventative sense, and here is why:

1. We all live in a society where we are exposed to traumatic occurrences every day and we can experience less stress by talking about it

2. Society isn't necessarily teaching us healthy ways to deal with our emotions, for example: numbing out on our cell phones/tablets, over eating, drinking, sex all with the intention of escaping our emotions

3. Having a solid support system to go to in a crisis can help prevent crisis's in the first place

4. Clients get to practice healthy communication, all which is often lacking from the exchange of "How are you"... "fine", that doesn't cut it, if you really are not "fine"

5. Healthier relationships with ourselves can help us succeed more, and help us open our eyes to what a life with more clarity

6. Therapists can help hold you more accountable to your goals

Going to a therapist for preventative care is like going to the dentist every six months for a teeth cleaning, if you don't go, you won't know you have a cavity that could turn into something more serious.

Talking to Your Child/Teen About Therapy

Here are some practical steps when talking to your child about attending therapy as well as when they start attending regularly.

1) Wait for the right moment

Ask your child/teen about the idea of attending therapy when they are calm and level headed. Raising this idea when your child has been experiencing negative emotions and behaviors can be a struggle as a parent, so if you ask in a moment of calm, it will help you child see it as actual help and less of a punishment or you telling them that there is something "wrong" with them, since that is not a positive message to receive as a child or really at any age. 

2) Identify the problem

Tell your child/teen what has you worried. Try, “Honey, I have witnessed you being sad and isolating recently,” or “Seems like you’ve been having a lot of nightmares lately.” This way they hear you in a way that demonstrates you've noticed a change in their behavior that is of concern to you.

3. Offer compassion

Tell your child/teen you sense that he/she has been struggling and you want to help. For example, say “Is it upsetting to you when you feel overwhelmed and want to hide?,” or “Nightmares can be really scary. No one likes to be scared.”

4) Explain therapy

Once you’ve identified the problem and offered compassion, tell your child you’ve found someone who can help. You might offer “Sometimes when children feel scared a lot of the time, it helps to go to a person whose job it is to help kids/teens understand their feelings and worries by talking about them and learning skills to help. We think if you met with her a few times it might help you understand why you’ve been having those nightmares. Then you won’t have to feel scared anymore.”

5) Don’t get discouraged

No matter how gentle you are, your child/teen may growl “There’s nothing wrong with me!” or “I don’t get nightmares anymore!” Remain calm and stay the course with an answer such as “Ok, if you and the therapist decide you’re not scared anymore Dad and I will be very happy. But we love you, and for now this is what we think is best.”

Once Therapy is Underway

6) Don’t “grill” your child after sessions

It’s a tall order, but resist the urge to ask for reports. Questions like “What did you and the therapist talk about today?” are likely to produce either silence or an answer designed to please you/tell you what you want to hear. Let your child’s/teens therapy be a private place, and use your meetings with the therapist to get and share information about how things are going.

7) Remind your child/teen that she has therapy as a resource, but don’t harp on it

When difficulties arise, there’s nothing wrong with gently suggesting that your child/teen talk about them in therapy. If your daughter/son is skipping class to hide you might say “You know, Honey, if you feel like talking with the therapist about what happened she might be able to help you with the problems you’re having in class.” But try not to bring therapy up too often, or your child/teen will feel you’re intruding or using her therapist as an ancillary parent/someone that can solve all of your child/teens problems. If there’s something you want the therapist to know, the best bet may be to get in touch directly. But inform your child/teen beforehand, so he/she won’t feel the adults are conspiring.

8) Don’t use therapy as a threat or form of discipline

A comment like “If you don’t start cooperating I’m going to have a talk with the therapist” is counterproductive and often threatening. Here’s a more effective approach: “Lately you seem angry whenever I ask you to follow directions, and we haven’t been able to talk about it. I don't enjoy fighting. I think it would be a good idea for us to talk to the therapist about ways we can get along better.”

If you need help talking to you child about therapy, you can also ask the therapist you're seeing to help facilitate the conversation as well.

Vulnerability Factors

In life we are constantly being presented with opportunities, whether we see them that way or not. Each of these opportunities allows us to make choices of how to behave, think and feel. Again, we may not think we have a choice in how we behave, think or feel, but we do. Our choices are effected by what are called Vulnerability Factors. If we are engaging in unhealthy behaviors, patterns of thought, or are in a toxic environment your ability to make healthy choices for yourself generally goes out the window, so those opportunities than look a whole heck of a lot like problems. Areas of vulnerability to look at are:

• Physical illness

• Unbalanced eating and sleeping

• Injury

• Use of drugs or alcohol

• Misuse of prescription drugs

• Intense emotions being your baseline

• Stressful relationships

If we learn to manage and regulate these Vulnerability Factors we can have a change of perspective from being situations as "problems" and a lot more like opportunities.

Utilizing coping skills, attending support groups and receiving counseling can all be ways for you to gain more awareness and skills to mange these Vulnerability Factors.