What I've done in the first 13 Days of the Be Kind to Yourself (Myself) Challenge

First off I want to say that it has been feeling very intentional, uplifting and rewarding to have been doing an act of kindness every day for myself. I hope that others have been following along or hopefully get inspired to go on their own journey of being kind to yourself! Don't forget at the end of the 30 days (March 31st) I'm launching a 7 Day Challenge; Moving towards Self-Love and Self-Acceptance that you have to sign up for by signing up for by emailing me at hello@stephaniekontercounseling.com (which will also give you access to my newsletter, and other workshops, information about giveaways in the future. 

So enough of that, here is the 13 days in review:

Day 1: Gratitude journal; This experience reminded me of just how often I forget to see the positives in life. My favorite metaphor for this struggle is when you look at a rose bush, do you choose to look at the thorns or the flowers... So look at the flowers in life first. 

Day 2: Painting; Painting tends to challenge my need to do things perfectly, so when I intentionally practicing enjoying creating something and doing the best I can, I tend to experience a lot more joy from the experience.  

Day 3: Taking a nap; Oh taking a nap, what a challenging thing to do when you are so used to the go-go-go of life. If you take time to just rest during the day, you'll get benefits like feeling refreshed, like you can restart a day if something challenging has happened, and overall be more focused and alert rather than drained and droopy. 

Day 4: Hiking with my dogs; This activity is honestly one of my favorites, it serves my love for being outside, for getting those exercise endorphins released and spending time with my dogs. For me, this is a must. Your "must" might be something different, find out what it is and do it regularly. 

Day 5: Listen to an audiobook; I do listen to podcasts before bed, or audio books or music when I work out, but this was an intentional act for me to do it in the middle of the day and just relax. Again, not something I am accustomed to, so practicing doing something quite during the day can help you refocus later. 

Day 6: Began working with a personal trainer; Oh man was this a challenge. I'm so used to just doing my own thing at the gym, so when I invited a personal trainer into my life I was a little cautious, but when we got going I remembered what it felt like to be on a team with one goal and mind and that comradery is definitely what I needed to be even more kind to myself in workouts since it boosts my overall level of motivation. 

Day 7: Pre-made healthy breakfast smoothies; Me a breakfast don't always get along, I'm one of those slow to wake up people, so pre-making a healthy smoothie was well worth it, since it served my desire to sleep more other days and that is definitely me working towards my strengths and an act of kindness to myself. 

Day 8: Practiced meditation; Once more this is not something that I typically do, but know it would help me be a better me. So I hope to incorporate this more into my life because taking just those three minutes to focus on my breath and the essential oils definitely calmed my nervous system right down.

Day 9: Pampered my self at a salon; I loved this, my favorite part of any salon trip is the massage I get on my head, my feet, my arms you name it's for me. So even though I got an amazing haircut, I also intentionally focused on my favorite part to soak up all the feel goods. An act of kindness to me!

Day 10: Took time to plan out vacations and fun things; I tend to be a workaholic, so if I don't plan breaks and vacations it won't happen. I can be spontaneous but I tend to be a planner. So making sure I take days off and schedule myself to do fun things I won't feel the impulse to just work through it. So spending that 20-30 minutes to plan felt well spent.

Day 11: Made Kombucha; I love to be creative, I love it when my stomach feels good (a problem since I have IBS), and I love making food/tea/coffee etc. Making Kombucha is an act of kindness because I love it. Anything can be an act of kindness if its something you love. 

Day 12: Cuddled with my dogs; My dogs are my babies, so any time spent with them is rather delightful. When I focus on how we make each other feel good it amplifies that feeling. I love them, and care for them, which fills their needs and they are loyal and help me feel happy when I need some extra love which fills my needs. Its a pretty great partnership we have going on.

Day 13: Roll out my  legs and mindfully apply lotion on my arms and legs; With training for this half marathon and engaging in long distance running, my muscles get sore, my skin gets dry. I get more thristy. So focusing on taking care of myself when I'm not out there hitting the pavement is just as important as being out there. I haven't used my roller as much as I'd like, or used lotion as often as I can, so practicing that was a good reminder of how good it feels and that its worth the time it takes do just put some extra kindness into my life. 

Be Kind To Yourself 30 Day Challenge #LoveMyself18

Each day starting March 1, 2018 I will be practicing a challenge that I encourage you to join. 30 Days of Self-Love, Self-Acceptance, and Kindness to myself.

Reasons why this is important:

1. When you love yourself, the world changes around you. When you see things through the perspective of self love you won't find yourself beating yourself up and that things will seem lighter and brighter each day since you will have less heaviness of self negativity weighing you down.

2. It will help you reach other goals you've set for yourself. Research has found that building yourself up instead of tearing yourself down can lead to better health decisions. Often times we think flogging ourself for our short comings will motivate, when the exact opposite is found to be true. 

3. It can help you procrastinate less. Research suggests that self-compassion can reduce the stress that leads us to procrastinate or avoid responsibilities. This is because it helps us recognize the true downside of the habit without putting us in a negative thought spiral. Try a little self-affirmation, which has been shown to increase problem-solving skills when you’re stressed. 

4. Help you stand up for yourself when you need or want to advocate for yourself. If you believe in yourself you'll believe in your causes and be willing to stand up and say something rather than sit on the sidelines. 

5. Being kind to yourself will motivate you to be kind to others. In general when you feel good, you'll want to spread that joy and love, and you'll find yourself helping others not out of obligation or to have people like you, but to help them feel the same joy you do. 

Now you may be asking well what do I do to Be Kind to Myself, follow along on my blog and Facebook page for ideas of things you can do. 

At the end of the 30 Day challenge of practicing Being Kind to Yourself #LoveMyself18 with one act of self love, I will release an Intensive 5 Day Challenge of Self-Acceptance email series. So start practicing one act of kindness to have access to the email series. 

Standing Up for Yourself

If you don't stand up and say something, you can't rely on someone else too. Being your own advocate is important every day. Whether its in regards to your feelings towards another person, your own personal values, or just to get your wants and needs met, you have to say something yourself. I have talked to people that think others can read their minds and know what they want, or expect people to anticipate their needs. First off, thats not fair to the other person, and secondly you'll spend a lot of time being upset. 

You want to value your opinion by sharing it, by honoring yourself and to not stay quiet when something you're passionate about is brought up. There is a DBT skill called FAST that stands for be Fair, no Apologies, Stick to your values and say your Truth. In other words, be respectful to others and yourself when sharing your opinion by not bashing others and honoring your own. Don't apologize for having an opinion or for your existence, its valid and important and so are you.  Act in a way that respects your boundaries and your values by not compromising them or allowing others to disrespect them. Finally, always be truth in what you say, especially if you want to be heard by others and feel aligned with yourself. 

If you can practice these techniques when in conflict, conversation, or in your own mind you'll most likely feel more proud and accomplished because you were able to honor others while honoring yourself.

Look at what these teens from Parkland High are saying and doing with there platform. https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/parkland-shooting-victim-maddy-wilford-speaks-out-following-hospital-release-n851286

Relationships and Food: Guest Blog By Erika Holmes

Food for thought: The relationship between food and relationships

I've heard it said that "how you do one thing is how you do everything." Patterns we build permeate our lives. In my work with people with eating disorders , I have seen that people's relationships with food are often similar to their relationships with people. If "how you do one thing is how you do everything", then it follows that it would be helpful to notice relational patterns, put them in line with values, and capitalize on the potential for that change to influence other aspects in your life. Sometimes when you move social relationships towards values, your relationship with food shifts as a byproduct. 

Anorexia Nervosa

Relationship with food characterized as: avoidant, fearful, rigid, insufficient, shame around size and hunger. 

How do those patterns show up in relationships? Maybe you isolate or avoid people or avoid situations (likely ones involving food, but probably others as well). Maybe you have social anxiety. Maybe you are rigid with socializing and keep a tight schedule or get nervous is plans change or interactions arent neat and tidy. Maybe your social interactions happen infrequently or are surface level and dont sustain the human need for true connection. Maybe you are scared that being in relationships will feel suffocating or heavy or cause discomfort so you avoid them. Maybe you have a fear that you will be too much or need to much and end up people pleasing or keeping a distance in an attempt to stay small. 

Bulimia Nervosa

Relationship with food characterized as: conflicted, chaotic, secretive, shame based. 

How do those patterns show up in relationships? Maybe you seem to have alot of conflict in relationships. Maybe you struggle with boundaries and when to say "yes" or "no" or "I've had enough". Maybe you experience extreemes in relationships of being very close then very distant. Maybe you have guilt and shame over what you want or need or have done in relationships. Relationships may scare you and you struggle with keeping them in balance and tolerating the discomfort they can sometimes bring. 

Binge Eating Disorder

Relationship with food characterized as: lacking boundaries, lacking sense of control, soothing or escapist. 

How do those patterns show up in relationships? Maybe you struggle with knowing how much to give in relationships and end up people pleasing or going past your limits with relationships. Maybe in relationships you feel like you dont have a voice or that voice isnt respected when you set boundaries or express needs. Maybe you have a difficult time being alone and find people to fill your time, even when you know those people arent "good" for you. Maybe you have codependency traits and regulate your mood through focusing on others. 

These lists certainly arent exhaustive and may not fit everyone perfectly. My intention is simply too spark curiosity. Its not helpful to judge or justify patterns. Better to simply observe them and then do what you can to align food and relationship patterns with long term goals and values.

If you notice that you resonate with any of these food or relational patterns, know that there is help and hope. 

- By Erika Holmes, visit her site at: http://www.coloradocft.com/erika-holmes-lmft/

Forgiving Yourself, While Building Empathy

Why is to so difficult for some people to seemingly forgive themselves so easily while other spend an unreasonable amount of time beating themselves up over a mistake.

First off, the person that cannot forgive themselves cannot see what they did as a mistake, and mark themselves as defective or a failure. This mishaps goes from one mistake to a global understanding of themselves. When a person doesn’t forgive themselves, it deepens shame and guilt, and becomes a breeding ground for pathological self-blame. These same people often over apologize because they see themselves as the defective ones due to this global belief they have adopted. These same people often feel that when they receive an apology from another person that they are undeserving of said apology. 

So, how does one move away from these unhealthy patterns, well it begins moving away from obsessive rumination and self-incrimination about any situation that has promoted the transgression.  It means cultivating empathy for oneself, which will ignite love for oneself. Through self-forgiveness there is psychological and, perhaps even more profoundly, spiritual growth that occurs. 

Here are some ideas on how to cultivate love for yourself:

1) Observation: Identify what you are doing and/or any judgments you are having about yourself for doing that. 

 2) Feeling: Ask yourself, "What am I feeling?"

 3) Need: Connect that feeling to a need/value/what's important to you,  and ask yourself, "What need is not met?" .

 4) Give yourself a moment or two to "sit with" or "feel into" the quality of that need and how important it (e.g. balance) is to you. 

 5) Request: After "sitting with" that need for balance, do you have any request of yourself or someone else? 

This process will help you direct your attention away from the head (where the negative thinking resides), toward your heart (where the feelings reside), and into the belly (where the precious needs reside). In this way, self-empathy is another tool for helping you get out of your head and into your heart and body.