Taking over: Your Summer, Your Life. Guide to Letting Go of Expectations and Enjoying Yourself

While summer can be so bright and happy for many, it may also have other tasks or mindsets associated with it, such as; time to take a vacation, time to reorganize my life so winter will be less stress, time to go outside in less covering clothes, time to have more fun, time when the kids are at home, etc. With all of that may come stress about finances, anxiety/anticipation to figure things out, body shame, time management stress and possibly other feelings about keeping up with the Jones'. 

When we have exactions for ourselves and for others we are setting ourselves up to be disappointed at times, and acknowledging that as an inevitable situation is key. The question than comes then to, what is reasonable to anticipate or expect, perhaps its that we are doing the best we can, and so are other people. The pressure to afford a huge summer family vacation or sign our kids up for activities or get our bodies in the best summer shape or reorganize our life during "downtime from school" can have angles or edges that don't feel so great. Perhaps it feels overwhelming, anxious from anticipation, or full of guilt and shame.

Of course Mindfulness is always a go-to, just sit with your emotions and let yourself experience them without holding too much attachment to your thoughts and the situations that present themselves. Practicing this can help you separate yourself from the thoughts, feeling and behaviors, while taking ownership for them. However that can feel perhaps a little too contained or intellectualized for some people. Also, its unrealistic for us to do that all the time, and we may find ourselves judging ourselves from falling away from that practice. Its bound to happen, taking a non-judgmental stance to both yourself, and the world around you can be incredibly beneficial as you radically accept the here and now for exactly what it is. Because we are creatures of habits, and we will become overly emotional and unwound at times, let that happen from time to time. Lets face it, we can't be perfect, and we will find ourselves landing left or right of center.

Let your children make mistakes, let yourself and your partner make mistakes. If you fall short of making that magical vacation happen, or slim down to that certain size, or don't prepare yourself for going back to school in exactly the way you wanted to,  or all the other summer goals you've created, thats okay. Enjoying your time, and your space each day is what makes a life worth living.

 

Relationships: Is yours toxic?

If you're questioning whether you are in a toxic relationship or not, here are some clear indicators that suggest that it is a toxic relationship:

  • Feeling as though they are to blame for the other person's actions

  • Having to walk around on eggshells to keep the other person happy

  • Not feeling comfortable expressing how they feel

  • Avoid all conflict with significant other

  • Engage in intense conflict often, expressing criticism or negatively about the person

  • Feel trapped in the relationship

  • Using a third party to communicate important things

  • Avoid setting boundaries with the other person

  • Experience difficulty respecting their own boundaries

  • Feeling jealousy often, over things the other person has, or if their partner is flirting with another person

  • Not feeling emotionally supported 

  • Persistent unreliability or predictability

After that, I imagine you'd be asking, can this be "fixed"? I tend to believe that most relationships can be mended if both people agree with the basic premise of respecting themselves and the other person. Working on things together cohesively, and having it be more than one person's effort to change things. 

Actionable steps might be:

  • Sitting and communicating using "I" statements, for example, "I feel angry when I am left out of decision making" 

  • Doing things together that you both enjoy

  • Telling the other person what you value about them

  • Stay in the present in conversations so to avoid having a laundry list of things your partner has done "wrong"

  • Reminding yourself that neither of you are perfect and forgiveness heals not only the relationship but also yourself

You may find that in your relationship you may both communicate that things need to change but it doesn't, or that one person wants it more. At that point increasing your awareness of what you want out of the relationship and life are key. Seeking help sooner rather than later may be of benefit, often when you are in the relationship you are the least objective. 

Featured in an Article in: Simply Me

Being that summer is write around the corner there are articles, blog posts, and videos being posted everywhere about "slimming down" for summer or how to find the perfect suit. Here is a blog post that has a similar theme with a completely different message. plus I contributed to the post so please take a look: Body Confidence in Plus Size Swimwear 

When we decided to disown our bodies for the shape they are we also disown and dishonor ourselves for the people we are. The greater times in which we find ourselves with shame being the leading voice, the more depressed and anxious we will find ourselves. However, when we throw out the shame by deleting "I should", "I hate", "They are better", "I will never" and things of the like we begin to accept ourselves, even if its on the radical level of just accepting thats where we are at even if we don't like it. All of this push and pull we demand of ourselves is unreasonable and in fact will not get us to where we want to be in a healthy way. 

If we can integrate mindful approaches to the way in which we engage in life evidence from my own life as well as research from people like Zindel Segal, PHD (The creator of Mindfulness-based Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) have proven that being mindful will yield healthier and more satisfying results. 

Here are some practices to begin incorporating in your daily life as it relates to body-image: 

1. Begin to bath yourself mindfully, appreciating how soap, lotion and or other bath products feels on your skin as its applied. This can shifts your attention away from your appearance towards how your body feels. To be aware of the present moment you must be present in your body.

2. Exercise and feel your heart rate, sweat, or how your arms and legs feel while doing it. Practice yoga for example to gain further awareness of where your body is in space. When exercise is only seen as a weight loss method, it can often lose some of the other positive mental health effects such as stress reduction. 

3. Allow yourself to be proud of what your body can do. When you notice improvements in your physical health/body (no matter how small), take the time to pause and celebrate your progress. Then reward yourself by increasing your self-care perhaps by getting a massage or a facial or even buying a book you've been wanting to read.

 

Read other posts in my blog as I comment on mindfulness and body image throughout it in various ways as it relates to your mental health. 

Life is Complicated

Trying to have everything in life organized can often times feel impossible. Having a list of emotional worries/stress can add to what feels like an already overwhelming life. For example a list of things that need to be organized are:
Homework
After school practice
Projects for school or a club
Part-time job schedule
Your living space
Social time
Family time

A list of possible worries to add to the list of this that need organization:
What you look like
Who likes you and who doesn’t
Trying to pass your classes or get A’s
Getting into college
Your parents divorce
Your relationship with friends or boyfriends/girlfriends
How popular you are
Disagreements with your parents or siblings
Just to name a few...

With all of this on your plate it’s easy to forget to take care of yourself because your just trying to stay afloat with all the thingsss.... What are you to do, you might ask?!

Well the first thing is slow down, if you find yourself rushing or needing to numb out the things, you will most likely not be able to do anything to your standards. So slow down, pay attention to your feelings and think through your actions.
Next problem solve, how can the situation your faced with get even 10% or maybe 1% better? Is it by creating a pros and cons list, talking it out or just listening to your gut that will lead you to a improved situation?
Finally if what you decided to take action doesn’t work how you envisioned that’s okay. Work on accepting it and not beat yourself more, because it not working the way you wanted means that there are other ways to approach the situation that you may have not tired and that’s okay.

Remember you are doing the best you can, and that if you had the tools or experience of how to deal with the situation, you would have already been doing just that. So cut yourself some slack and slow down and repeat the problem solving steps.
If you feel like you need more guidance don’t be afraid to ask for it.