Life is Complicated

Trying to have everything in life organized can often times feel impossible. Having a list of emotional worries/stress can add to what feels like an already overwhelming life. For example a list of things that need to be organized are:
Homework
After school practice
Projects for school or a club
Part-time job schedule
Your living space
Social time
Family time

A list of possible worries to add to the list of this that need organization:
What you look like
Who likes you and who doesn’t
Trying to pass your classes or get A’s
Getting into college
Your parents divorce
Your relationship with friends or boyfriends/girlfriends
How popular you are
Disagreements with your parents or siblings
Just to name a few...

With all of this on your plate it’s easy to forget to take care of yourself because your just trying to stay afloat with all the thingsss.... What are you to do, you might ask?!

Well the first thing is slow down, if you find yourself rushing or needing to numb out the things, you will most likely not be able to do anything to your standards. So slow down, pay attention to your feelings and think through your actions.
Next problem solve, how can the situation your faced with get even 10% or maybe 1% better? Is it by creating a pros and cons list, talking it out or just listening to your gut that will lead you to a improved situation?
Finally if what you decided to take action doesn’t work how you envisioned that’s okay. Work on accepting it and not beat yourself more, because it not working the way you wanted means that there are other ways to approach the situation that you may have not tired and that’s okay.

Remember you are doing the best you can, and that if you had the tools or experience of how to deal with the situation, you would have already been doing just that. So cut yourself some slack and slow down and repeat the problem solving steps.
If you feel like you need more guidance don’t be afraid to ask for it.
 

Day 22-30 of the 30 Day Challenge to Be Kind to Yourself

Here is the final rundown of the last days of the challenge. I got a little caught up with life and I forgot to post on social media 2 of the last 9 days but I have definitely did not let up on my intention to Be Kind to Myself.

Day 22: Relaxing Outside... All it can take is 10 minutes to ground yourself after a busy day, or a hard workout or a bad mood. I decided to get down on the actual ground under a tree and imagine myself rooted to the Earth, feeling as sturdy as the tree I was resting under. It was rather powerful to feel that connected to the Earth.

Day 23: (Didn't post) Window Shopping... I had a lot of restless energy this day so I decided to walk around the mall for a few hours. At first, I started to get all caught up in thoughts about not being able to afford things I wanted and how can anyone afford nice things. After some thought about that I landed on the idea that I am grateful for what I do have, and allowing myself to spiral into thoughts of lack was not going to help me move towards abundance.  I ended up buying myself an iced coffee and enjoying strolling around till I tired out. 

Day 24: Spending quality time with my dogs... I am such a dog person I could spend my entire day focused on what my dogs and I could do together. So that's pretty much exactly what I did. We went to the pet store, then to the dog park and then sat outside a coffee shop while they enjoyed some bones I brought with me. It was super nice to see them have such a good time.

Day 25: Stretching... Finding space in tight spots is a struggle for a lot of people. I at times find myself sore and wanting to not move if I don't take time to stretch. Focusing on how I feel in my body helps me live a more balanced life rather than disconnecting my head from my body. When I've been disconnected from my body in the past its led to unhelpful and unhealthy behaviors that have not served me, so focusing on this can be a blessing. 

Day 26: Quality time with my Husband... At times this feels like such a luxury since we both find ourselves busy with one thing or another. Setting the intention to do something together generally helps me feel more connected and grounded in our relationship. This is true when I spend time with anyone I love, the more quality time in my life I get with them, the more full I feel. 

Day 27: Yoga at my office... Spending some time doing spinal twists and some cat-cows helps break up the day of sitting behind my desk or in my counseling chair. Getting on the ground and practicing some yoga poses was exactly what I needed. 

Day 28: Bring my dog to work day... Another day where my dogs came into my practice to be kind to myself. Having a dog around reminds me that I can love myself unconditionally just as my dog loves me unconditionally. Its truly a splendid feeling. 

Day 29: (Didn't post) Dinner with a friend... This is something that I truly cherish due to the feeling that as I get older, its even more of a struggle to make new friends, so if I can capture the time I do have free with times with friends I can feel more connected to the diverse community we live in. 

Day 30: Hike...Well as you can see being outside is one of my favorite things to do, and I finished this one off with a video talking about my email course on Moving Towards Self-Love that has information about the science of our brain and applicable tools to find yourself by loving yourself and why it is so valuable to do. 

Email me at hello@stephaniekontercounseling.com if you'd like to sign up for the email course. 

Days 14-21 of the Be Kind to Yourself Challenge

The last half of the month I was having some days that I struggled to find a new thing to do that was relaxing. Apparently, I'm more a creature of habit then I thought, so it was good that I was able to self-reflect on that and perhaps can continue to push myself to go outside of my bubble when I think if acts of self-care. I hope that if you were able to follow along that you were able to gain some new insights for yourself, and if you missed it, feel free to go on your own journey starting right when you read this. Its never to late to start. 

Day 14: Writing... For me, writing is therapeutic perhaps even more so at times than talking things out. Also, I view it as a vehicle to share information with other people that can be nicely organized and is hopefully easy to digest. 

Day 15: Coloring... This was a simple one to enjoy, perhaps adding music to it would have been impactful, however, I enjoyed the quite and the colors. I think at times we prevent ourselves from enjoying simple things by judging how we do them. I've practiced letting go of that as often as I can and just let myself create.   

Day 16: Face Mask... These are always nice since it practically forces you to at least be mindful of how your skin feels for 15 minutes. I think a great practice of body awareness that we can often miss out on is how our body feels when we touch things or things touch us. For example, how do our feet feel on the ground, and notice that not only when we notice discomfort but also peace. 

Day 17: Singing Bowl...This is a practice of patience due to the attention to where you are moving the mallet, to the speed of the mallet and to the position of the bowl. Anything that takes attention to detail can really help distract you from negative thinking if you do it mindfully.

Day 18: Ran and Joined a Team...Being apart of a movement or a team has always helped me feel like I'm connected to something bigger than myself. That sense of community helps humble me and know I cannot do everything on my own, no matter how much like Wonder Women I like to believe I am. 

Day 19: Essential Oils... Having essential oils diffusing I feel helps set the tone and intention for my day even stronger than stating an affirmation. I consider it an added plus to the emotional work I practice and help guide others along. 

Day 20: Healthy Meal on the Run... Although this was not a planned act of kindness I was able to find the beauty in taking care of myself. We have to do it every day if we want to thrive, even when we are so busy we run out of time to sit and enjoy each meal. 

Day 21: Podcasts... Today was a difficult day, and I needed this time for myself to just veg out to something I enjoy doing listening to inspirational and interesting people speak about their experiences and words of wisdom. This is especially powerful for me when I feel like I've run out of words that are helpful myself.  

Days 22 to 30 will follow tomorrow. 

Forgiveness Can Help Improve Mental Health

Researches have studied forgiveness and what they have to say seems rather common sense, and of course we always enjoy proving something scientifically as well. Sometimes you can only take anecdotal information so far. Forgiveness is tied to anger, and anger can show up in many ways in our lives. We can choose to explode, avoid/suppress, process or hold on to those strong emotions. When "toxic" anger, comes into play, such as when we hold on, explode, or suppress this can effect our lives in various ways. Its important to point out that there is nothing wrong with healthy anger, but when anger is very deep and long lasting, it can do a number on us systemically. When you let go, forgive and process anger, your muscles relax, you're less anxious, you have more energy, your immune system can strengthen.

Forgiveness can also help rebuild self-esteem, this is because when people are beaten down by injustice, what results is the individual not liking themselves. However, when a person takes a stand up to the pain of what happened and offer goodness to the person who hurt them, they change your view of themselves.

What was found in the research that I'm referencing (link: http://www.apa.org/monitor/2017/01/ce-corner.aspx ) is that there are individuals that are more forgiving and those individuals tend to have higher levels of agreeableness and lower levels of neuroticism. People who have a tendency to ruminate are generally less quick to forgive, since they are more likely to hold onto grudges or hurt feelings. Hold onto anger can lead to depression and anxiety, by being sad over what has happened and by being fearful of future hurts are intensified due to continued hurt.

The research points to greater positive mental health outcomes when the people in the study practiced forgiveness. After all of that information, I'd imagine now that starting to practice forgiveness will be on the list of priorities to live a positive life.

Here are some tips on how to practice forgiveness:

1.  Developing and practicing empathy
2.  Stop keeping score between you and the world
3.  Take it to your journal and just let it all out
4.  Practice forgiving yourself first by allowing yourself to make mistakes and accept them as part of who you are
5. Practice gratitude of what you've learned from being hurt
6. Utilize stress management techniques such as taking deep breaths, doing a mindful breathing exercise, taking a walk outside
7. Allow yourself to feel your feelings without judgment
8. Shift your perspective to see forgiveness as a gift to yourself not to someone else
9. Consider the impact of holding on to the grudge

9 ways to help combat Impostor Syndrome

I've often dealt with feelings of doubt about my performance , whether its been in school, at work, volunteering, in relationships. As I'm headed down the path of self-improvement, working to gain a promotion or simply doing something new, that fear pops up. This fear that I'm bumping up against the limits of my own abilities.

This is a common headspace to be in, one that creates anxiety and is known as Impostor Syndrome. The voice inside my head may start saying things like:

■ “Who gave you permission to do that?”

■ “Do you have a the qualifications to even try?”

■ “Who said you could try to help people, you're not good enough to do that?”

If you suffer from something similar to this, your voice may be telling you something very similar, all directed towards the idea of "Am I really good enough, I'm such a fraud?!"

Moving beyond these fears takes awareness, affirmations, and challenging the belief often. Those that are naturally gifted and dedicated to our skill or talent or work, we often discount its value. Because we feel as though we haven't really tired or earned it the hard way because its something that we are passionate about.

For example, I love practicing yoga and have been practicing for 4 years, I wanted to spread the love to others so I decided to do a 200 hour yoga teacher training to help empower others. Now that I'm a teacher and have the chance to share this wonderful practice I tell myself that:

"I'm a fake"

Even though I know I have years of practice and the training to actually teach.

Here are some ways that I've found help me to practice overcoming these thoughts and feelings:

1. Stop comparing myself to others

2. Remind myself that I am a trained and/or have a skill to perform the task

3. Call out your thoughts by name "I'm experiencing Imposter Syndrome"

4. Remember that making a mistake doesn't mean you're a fake

5. Realize that when you hold yourself back you are robbing the world of the value you add

6. Find someone that you can talk to about feeling like a fraud

7. You're not gonna die from not being "perfect"

8. Keep track on the positive feedback you hear

9. Accept that you have a role in your success up to this point