How to Feel Calm Around a Family that Makes you Anxious

Its no hided secret that family can be and often is stressful to be around. The good news about seeing your family can be the unconditional love that is typically provided, even if it doesn't feel that way. Or perhaps its know that since you have family that has invited you over, you don't have to be alone this holiday.

Of course there are occasions where maybe being alone is preferred or you family has such dysfunction that there is more conditional love presented. If this is the case, these tips can help, but you may need more assistance and I recommend that you seek that out. 

So if you can manage to be around your family, yet still feel the stressed, overwhelmed, and uncomfortable feelings around family, especially around the holidays, here are some things that may help you ride the emotional wave a little more safely and comfortably:

Try not to concern yourself with being "perfect" around family. Unfortunately, perfectionism isn't something you can just undo overnight, but it can be helpful to remind yourself when you're going into a party or dinner that no one is actually testing you. (If they are, then you don't need their approval any ways.)

Create an exit strategy, especially if things get too uncomfortable, its always a good idea to have a reason on hand why you have to excuse yourself, and then a plan to do some self-care and coping skills immediately following your departure. That way you can reward yourself for facing the stress, and a way to feel better about your experience. 

Become comfortable with making mistakes. You will not always say the right thing, or have the best conversation topics or say the smartest thing ever, and you will survive anyways. Recognizing that you're human and so is everyone you are talking to, will hopefully take some pressure off of needing to say the right things.

Talk about things you enjoy, and often. Just because someone starts a conversation about foreign politics, doesn't mean you have to engage in the conversation. Of course its kind to listen and vaildate that you hear what they are saying, but that doesn't mean the conversation that makes you uncomfortable has to be the one you stay in. Segway into talking about something that makes you feel comfortable and at ease.

Remember that most people experience some degree of anxiety. That means there's a chance you're not the most uncomfortable person in the room. Hopefully knowing that you're not alone in your experience will help put your mind at ease.

Of these tools of course can be utilized in other situations, so practice this holiday with your family, and see how you can start to transform your experience with possible uncomfortable social gatherings. 

Mangaing the holidays with an eating disorder

Here is a guide on what to do during the holiday:

First off, have a support system in place: It can be a therapist, a dietitian or a family member (a safe, non-triggering family member). If someone who you consider a part of your support system is with you during the holiday, talk with them in advance and let them know, "I need your help."

Steer clear of negative body talk: Negative body talk at the holidays is as American as apple pie (diet culture has seeped in all aspects of our lives, for example things like saying "the diet starts tomorrow" or "this stuffing is going straight to my thighs"). Honestly, anyone and everyone should avoid this kind of body talk.

If you have a meal plan, follow it:  This doesn't mean you have to skip dessert. It does mean you shouldn't starve yourself all day in advance of the big meal. You can work through the holidays  and still stay on your meal plan and have that structure, and a dietitian can help you figure out what that looks like.

Have coping mechanisms ready: It's important to develop a plan for what to do when you feel emotionally overwhelmed. Write down your coping skills and keep them handy, like a safety plan. So you don't have to scramble when you're triggered and you can take care of yourself.

Focus on gratitude: The holidays are "supposed to be about gratitude", so try to embrace that.  Focus on enjoying yourself and your loved ones as much as you can. It can help shift the focus away from food.

What loved ones can do

Make sure you understand the disease: The food and the weight obsession — that’s the surface part of it —  but there’s so much else going on. Eating disorders are influenced by "a range of biological, psychological, and sociocultural factors," according to NEDA.

Don't be afraid to ask: People don't always know how to ask for help, so before the holiday meal ask how you can support.

If you see behavior that's concerning, talk to the person. It could be on that day, but it may be at a later time. It's important to find a quiet, private space, and to gauge how the person is feeling, Mysko said. Does the person seem especially anxious? Then wait for another time.

Remember is about feelings. Often times the person is experiencing a lot of shame, so you want to approach the conversation and be very clear that you’re not judging that person, that you care about them.

Quit the "food moralizing":  Things like saying "good foods" (turkey) and "bad foods" (pie) and "I'm being so bad." Sadly, these conversations have become commonplace, and we must make an effort to avoid them.

Forgiveness Can Help Improve Mental Health

Researches have studied forgiveness and what they have to say seems rather common sense, and of course we always enjoy proving something scientifically as well. Sometimes you can only take anecdotal information so far. Forgiveness is tied to anger, and anger can show up in many ways in our lives. We can choose to explode, avoid/suppress, process or hold on to those strong emotions. When "toxic" anger, comes into play, such as when we hold on, explode, or suppress this can effect our lives in various ways. Its important to point out that there is nothing wrong with healthy anger, but when anger is very deep and long lasting, it can do a number on us systemically. When you let go, forgive and process anger, your muscles relax, you're less anxious, you have more energy, your immune system can strengthen.

Forgiveness can also help rebuild self-esteem, this is because when people are beaten down by injustice, what results is the individual not liking themselves. However, when a person takes a stand up to the pain of what happened and offer goodness to the person who hurt them, they change your view of themselves.

What was found in the research that I'm referencing (link: http://www.apa.org/monitor/2017/01/ce-corner.aspx ) is that there are individuals that are more forgiving and those individuals tend to have higher levels of agreeableness and lower levels of neuroticism. People who have a tendency to ruminate are generally less quick to forgive, since they are more likely to hold onto grudges or hurt feelings. Hold onto anger can lead to depression and anxiety, by being sad over what has happened and by being fearful of future hurts are intensified due to continued hurt.

The research points to greater positive mental health outcomes when the people in the study practiced forgiveness. After all of that information, I'd imagine now that starting to practice forgiveness will be on the list of priorities to live a positive life.

Here are some tips on how to practice forgiveness:

1.  Developing and practicing empathy
2.  Stop keeping score between you and the world
3.  Take it to your journal and just let it all out
4.  Practice forgiving yourself first by allowing yourself to make mistakes and accept them as part of who you are
5. Practice gratitude of what you've learned from being hurt
6. Utilize stress management techniques such as taking deep breaths, doing a mindful breathing exercise, taking a walk outside
7. Allow yourself to feel your feelings without judgment
8. Shift your perspective to see forgiveness as a gift to yourself not to someone else
9. Consider the impact of holding on to the grudge

You Deserve Respect

I follow a few different guru's in the field and one thing that became a topic of discussion is the idea of what we as individuals "deserve".

First off, you deserve to trust your body’s cues and nourish yourself, no matter what size you are. Respect yourself and your body by listening to it and allowing it to have a voice. 

In order to get to that point, its helpful to stop restricting and stop feeling out of control with food, no matter what size you are. Food doesn't need to own you and your thoughts. The more we focus on our diet the more out of control we generally feel. Turn the dial on the volume of your inner critic and listen to your bodies sensations and feelings.

Its even important to recognize that you deserve, to be able to walk down the street without fear, no matter what size you are.

You deserve to be mindful, and in the here and now in the big, and small, everyday moments—no matter what size you are. You can be you and not have to shrink your body before you're allowed to live fully. 

You can miss out on these kinds of opportunities—or not even realize what kinds of opportunities that are available if your are focused on your size. Acknowledging and practicing what you true passionate about is the greatest gift you can give yourself. 

So let go out having your mind focused completely occupied by the rules and restrictions of diet culture.  By jumping into a mindful of hope, freedom and joy for the future without diet culture controlling your happiness. If you blame yourself for falling into diet culture that can also be a trap that can hinder your joy, do you best to recognize that you deserve to be free of guilt, shame, and unrealistic expectations.