How to “Fight” More Fairly With Your Partner

By: Regina Hopkins, LPC

“Attacked,” “Betrayed,” “Insulted,” “Invalidated,” “Blamed,” “Diminished,” “Disrespected.” These are just some of the words that you might hear when in a heated argument with your partner or loved ones. However, when we use these words, they are not likely to serve us a useful purpose or create a connection with the other person. In fact, they usually add more fuel to the fire and don’t help to de-escalate the situation. The person hearing the words listed above will usually become defensive and you two will start arguing about the word being used, rather than the actual issue(s) at hand.

We often use the words listed above following the words, “I feel…” However, have you ever stopped to consider the power of the words you’re actually using? These words, although we can make them sound as if they are a feeling word, are actually not feelings. They are a thought. To be more accurate they are usually an evaluation of someone else’s behavior or a feeling word mixed with a thought or judgment. What you might actually be feeling could be better described with real/authentic feeling words such as: “vulnerable,” “insecure,” “sad” “worried,” “withdrawn,” “confused,” “restless”.

When in a heated argument with your partner it is best to stick to real/authentic feeling words and that will keep you on track to a quicker path to resolution.

You may find a list of authentic feeling words here:

https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/feelings-inventory

You can also find a list of pseudo–feelings (a feeling mixed with a thought or evaluation) here:

https://ellyvanlaar.com/list-of-pseudo-feelings-feelings-mixed-with-a-thought/