Deep Dive into Self-Harm, and Ways to Heal from it

What is self-harm?

Self-harming is an unhealthy coping strategy that many people engage in to try to manage strong feelings. Self-harm can present itself in many different forms. Self-harm can look like: 

black and white photo of a man looking sad grabbing his shoulder with his opposite hand

  • Cutting or burning their skin

  • Punching or hitting themselves or objects

  • Poisoning themselves with tablets or toxic chemicals

  • Excessive use of alcohol or drugs

  • Pulling out their hair

  • Deliberately starving themselves or binge eating

  • Excessively exercising

What are the signs of self harm?

It can be difficult to tell when someone is self-harming because people often try to hide it due to feelings of shame. Signs that someone may be self-harming:

  • Always keeping certain parts of their body concealed

  • Unexplained injuries such as cut marks or bruises

  • Changes in eating habits

  • Going to the bathroom right after eating

  • Increased isolation and withdrawal

  • Avoiding situation where they would need to reveal skin such as swimming

  • Expressed feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness


Why do people self-harm?

artistic rendering of two hands that are a variety of colors with the hands open towards the sky

Self-harm is not a way of attempting suicide, rather it is unhealthy coping strategy. Self-harm can be a way to release or distract from overwhelming and painful emotions. These emotions may include shame, anger, grief, and self-loathing. People often self-harm as a way to feel grounded or gain a sense of control. Additionally, some people self-harm as a way to feel something if they have been feeling numb or empty. Self-harm may momentarily bring the person feelings of calmness and relief, but it is not a permanent solution, and the negative feelings always return. Some people may be able to self-harm a few times and never do it again, but for a lot of people it becomes a compulsion.

How to stay safe!

Although self-harm is not a suicide attempt, it can still be life-threatening. If you notice someone is struggling with self-harm, keep a close eye on them in case of emergency. If someone you know is self-harming, the first thing to do is to reach out to a mental health professional and get them in treatment to begin learning healthier coping strategies and emotional regulation tools. Some grounding techniques are: 

  • Splash cold water on your face

  • Snap a rubber band on wrist

  • Hold an ice cube in your hand and let it fully melt

  • Breathe deeply

  • Go for a walk or run

  • Rip up paper

  • Draw on skin with a soft tipped pen in places you would usually cut

To hands reaching for each other and a black paper heart is being passed from one hand to the other

It can be difficult to stop self-harming, but it is not impossible. If someone you know is trying to quit, remember to be gentle with them and refrain from showing anger. Talking about self-harm brings the shame the person experiences into the light where it can no longer flourish. It is also important to get rid of all the objects with which the person has been self-harming, which might entail locking up knives, pills, cleaning supplies, not allowing razors, etc. It is also important to let the person know that they are not alone in their struggle to quit. 



Resources

https://www.crisistextline.org/topics/self-harm/#what-is-self-harm-1 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/self-harming/co/broomfield 

https://coloradocrisisservices.org/ 


Written By Karli McClure

A little bit about the author: Karli has been practicing therapy for two years and has been involved in the mental health field for over six years. When she is not working, Karli enjoys spending time outdoors skiing and hiking with her family and friends, practicing yoga, and curling up on the couch with her two cats and a good book.



OTHER COUNSELING SERVICES OFFERED AT WELL MINDED COUNSELING CENTER

Our Denver area counseling center sees clients of all ages and addresses a wide variety of mental health concerns. WellMinded offers the following counseling services:








Building Self-Care

RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF

Today’s society often finds it difficult to focus on themselves when undergoing anxiety, depression, stress, anger, frustration, etc. Focusing on oneself not only allows one to acknowledge what is wrong but also how to make it better. As everyone knows, everyone experiences negative thoughts; the difference is, who can properly handle them.

INDIVIDUALITY IS IMPORTANT

One of the best ways in controlling stress is to gain control for yourself. Self-care allows people to perform at their best whether they are being social or with work. Out of everything, self-care supports overall well-being-mentally, socially, physically, and emotionally. In today’s society, many people like to over-exert themselves, both at work and at home. Self-care helps with that, it allows people to build themselves up, and regain resilience.

WHAT IS SELF-CARE?

Now onto the description of self-care. Self-care is known to lower anxiety, depression and to reduce stress. It is known to improve concentration. It can minimize everyday frustration and anger. No matter the difficulties, self-care is able to increase happiness, improve energy, and more. It does not matter what one chooses; what does matter is that you are able to maintain a healthy relationship with yourself. Several examples are:

  • bubble bath

  • calming music

  • reading

  • setting phone aside

  • Mindfulness

  • Yoga

  • journaling

  • Take a break

For those who are more into interactive procedures for enjoyment, there are different forms of self-care that may help you relax better and help with self-discovery. Several examples of interactive self-care are listed below:

  • Walking outside alone

  • Connect with friends and family

  • Playing video games

  • Cleaning

  • Take a break

At first, people may not know when to take a break. After taking a break people are able to clear their minds and work on everything better and with more enjoyment. Also, remember that everyone experiences some form of negative thoughts at some point. Never feel guilty if you ever need to turn to family/friends for some form of help.

By: Courtney Miller, LPC

OTHER COUNSELING SERVICES OFFERED AT WELL MINDED COUNSELING CENTER

Our Denver area counseling center sees clients of all ages and addresses a wide variety of mental health concerns. WellMinded offers the following counseling services:

How to “Fight” More Fairly With Your Partner

How to “Fight” More Fairly With Your Partner

By: Regina Hopkins, LPC

“Attacked,” “Betrayed,” “Insulted,” “Invalidated,” “Blamed,” “Diminished,” “Disrespected.” These are just some of the words that you might hear when in a heated argument with your partner or loved ones. However, when we use these words, they are not likely to serve us a useful purpose or create a connection with the other person. In fact, they usually add more fuel to the fire and don’t help to de-escalate the situation. The person hearing the words listed above will usually become defensive and you two will start arguing about the word being used, rather than the actual issue(s) at hand.

We often use the words listed above following the words, “I feel…” However, have you ever stopped to consider the power of the words you’re actually using? These words, although we can make them sound as if they are a feeling word, are actually not feelings. They are a thought. To be more accurate they are usually an evaluation of someone else’s behavior or a feeling word mixed with a thought or judgment. What you might actually be feeling could be better described with real/authentic feeling words such as: “vulnerable,” “insecure,” “sad” “worried,” “withdrawn,” “confused,” “restless”.

When in a heated argument with your partner it is best to stick to real/authentic feeling words and that will keep you on track to a quicker path to resolution.

You may find a list of authentic feeling words here:

https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/feelings-inventory

You can also find a list of pseudo–feelings (a feeling mixed with a thought or evaluation) here:

https://ellyvanlaar.com/list-of-pseudo-feelings-feelings-mixed-with-a-thought/

The Downfalls of Control and Avoidance and Their Superior: Acceptance

Chances are you've experienced distress at one point or another in your life. Maybe you have felt anxious about something coming up and over-thought things, or maybe you have felt depressed reminiscing on the good old days and missing what used to be. Good news, your brain works! It is able to think, plan, predict, remember, and so much more! While the brain is incredibly helpful at times, sometimes we need a little help coping with everything going on. 

Thinking about the past and the future is not inherently bad. However, if you find your day occupied by these thoughts, and they are accompanied by uncomfortable emotions or sensations, these thoughts can be unhelpful. In fact, these thoughts can greatly impact our ability to be productive people in society if they are paired with sweaty palms or a racing heart. They may also impact our ability to be a kind and empathetic parent or partner, or even our ability to be an ally to ourselves. This is because, when we start to experience distress or discomfort we try to find ways to soothe and we don’t always do so in the most effective ways. Our go tos are often control or avoidance strategies. 

If you have ever sat down and thought out every single thing that could go wrong and how to prevent it, or have made attempts to change how you have felt in one way or another, you have tried control strategies. The issue with control is that in many situations you just don’t have it. And that rigid thinking can be distressing! Maybe you have tried to numb a feeling with drugs or alcohol, or have tried to distract yourself with TV or by immersing yourself in work. Any time that you have actively stayed clear of people, places, or situations in order to defuse conflict or avoid being uncomfortable you are using avoidance. While in moderation these strategies can be helpful, they are often not long-term solutions. In some situations, they can even be detrimental. Feelings fester and bubble up, and when used in excess you miss out on life opportunities and feel greater distress than initially. 

In order to reduce the damage that avoidance and control strategies can have, you must lean into acceptance. Now, this isn’t to be confused with condoning, nor does it mean that you will always feel comfortable. It simply means that you are going to make the conscious decision to say that what is happening is out of your control and not worth the costs of avoiding or controlling. In doing so, you will make space to tolerate feeling uncomfortable so you may continue to pursue your values. This takes practice and is not a skill you master overnight, but it can be made easier when you start to think about your values. 

Take a moment to reflect on your values and the things you truly cherish most in life. Then, when you are ready, ask yourself: “Is what I am doing helping or hindering my ability to live in alignment with my values?”. If you answer that it is not impeding those values, keep doing what you are doing. If it is hindering your ability to connect with your values, finding ways to tolerate uncertainty and discomfort may be more beneficial. Imagine you want to make more friends but the thought of socializing with new people makes you so anxious that you actively avoid talking to other people. What you are actually hindering is your ability to live in alignment with your value of feeling connected with and cherished by other people. In this scenario, being connected to others is more important than not feeling embarrassed in a crowd of new people.

If you answer that question and find that you are standing in the way of pursuing the things you truly care about, the superior coping mechanism is acceptance. I challenge you, the reader, to ask yourself that question next time you feel distressed and make an attempt to try something different in the name of your values, even if that means stepping out of your comfort zone. 

*More posts on this topic to come, though if you find interest in this subject, refer to the book The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris.


By: Paige Leedy, LCSW

Self-Compassion

Self Compassion, a concept that sounds simple at first glance, is something that many people struggle with putting into action. Compassion is the sympathetic awareness of others’ distress, coupled with a desire to help relieve said distress. To have this compassion for ourselves is to offer understanding and warmth inwards, towards ourselves, when we experience distress, suffering, feel less than, or perceive that we have failed. Developing self-compassion can be an important factor in improving mental health.

Self-compassion is often misunderstood. Self-compassion is NOT selfish. Many people develop the perception that being compassionate towards themselves will let them “get away with things.” Often, the worry is that being compassionate to ourselves will cause what we generally try to avoid like eating lots of junk food, not getting homework/work done, not taking care of household chores, or not keeping up with personal hygiene. Self-compassion is NOT self-centered. Allowing yourself understanding and warmth does not take away from the empathy that you have for those that you care about. In fact, developing self-compassion does quite the opposite, allowing you to be more understanding and caring for the people in your life. Fill up your cup with compassion first, and pouring from that cup into others will be much easier.

Think of your favorite mentor, coach, or friend. How did they support you? What made them your favorite? What positive qualities did they have that made them a great coach or mentor or friend? It is unlikely that this person only pointed out your flaws, berated you for your mistakes, and ignored your positive attributes. Self-compassion is being a caring, understanding, empathetic mentor to ourselves, being your own biggest cheerleader, or your own best friend.

The following questions are posed as a check-in, and can be used to find potential growth areas for self-compassion:

How were you unkind or judgmental to yourself this week?

How might a caring friend have responded differently?

How are you taking care of yourself so that you may better cope with the stressors in your life?

How do you react when you feel that you have failed at something important to you?

What are your greatest qualities?

Do you give yourself permission to feel all of your emotions? Are you loving to yourself when you are worried, embarrassed, or angry?

Do you value treating yourself with kindness?

Name one caring sentiment that you can say to yourself when you need support.

By: Amber Cherrette, LPCC