Chances are you've experienced distress at one point or another in your life. Maybe you have felt anxious about something coming up and over-thought things, or maybe you have felt depressed reminiscing on the good old days and missing what used to be. Good news, your brain works! It is able to think, plan, predict, remember, and so much more! While the brain is incredibly helpful at times, sometimes we need a little help coping with everything going on.
Thinking about the past and the future is not inherently bad. However, if you find your day occupied by these thoughts, and they are accompanied by uncomfortable emotions or sensations, these thoughts can be unhelpful. In fact, these thoughts can greatly impact our ability to be productive people in society if they are paired with sweaty palms or a racing heart. They may also impact our ability to be a kind and empathetic parent or partner, or even our ability to be an ally to ourselves. This is because, when we start to experience distress or discomfort we try to find ways to soothe and we don’t always do so in the most effective ways. Our go tos are often control or avoidance strategies.
If you have ever sat down and thought out every single thing that could go wrong and how to prevent it, or have made attempts to change how you have felt in one way or another, you have tried control strategies. The issue with control is that in many situations you just don’t have it. And that rigid thinking can be distressing! Maybe you have tried to numb a feeling with drugs or alcohol, or have tried to distract yourself with TV or by immersing yourself in work. Any time that you have actively stayed clear of people, places, or situations in order to defuse conflict or avoid being uncomfortable you are using avoidance. While in moderation these strategies can be helpful, they are often not long-term solutions. In some situations, they can even be detrimental. Feelings fester and bubble up, and when used in excess you miss out on life opportunities and feel greater distress than initially.
In order to reduce the damage that avoidance and control strategies can have, you must lean into acceptance. Now, this isn’t to be confused with condoning, nor does it mean that you will always feel comfortable. It simply means that you are going to make the conscious decision to say that what is happening is out of your control and not worth the costs of avoiding or controlling. In doing so, you will make space to tolerate feeling uncomfortable so you may continue to pursue your values. This takes practice and is not a skill you master overnight, but it can be made easier when you start to think about your values.
Take a moment to reflect on your values and the things you truly cherish most in life. Then, when you are ready, ask yourself: “Is what I am doing helping or hindering my ability to live in alignment with my values?”. If you answer that it is not impeding those values, keep doing what you are doing. If it is hindering your ability to connect with your values, finding ways to tolerate uncertainty and discomfort may be more beneficial. Imagine you want to make more friends but the thought of socializing with new people makes you so anxious that you actively avoid talking to other people. What you are actually hindering is your ability to live in alignment with your value of feeling connected with and cherished by other people. In this scenario, being connected to others is more important than not feeling embarrassed in a crowd of new people.
If you answer that question and find that you are standing in the way of pursuing the things you truly care about, the superior coping mechanism is acceptance. I challenge you, the reader, to ask yourself that question next time you feel distressed and make an attempt to try something different in the name of your values, even if that means stepping out of your comfort zone.
*More posts on this topic to come, though if you find interest in this subject, refer to the book The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris.
By: Paige Leedy, LCSW
