Building Self-Care

RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF

Today’s society often finds it difficult to focus on themselves when undergoing anxiety, depression, stress, anger, frustration, etc. Focusing on oneself not only allows one to acknowledge what is wrong but also how to make it better. As everyone knows, everyone experiences negative thoughts; the difference is, who can properly handle them.

INDIVIDUALITY IS IMPORTANT

One of the best ways in controlling stress is to gain control for yourself. Self-care allows people to perform at their best whether they are being social or with work. Out of everything, self-care supports overall well-being-mentally, socially, physically, and emotionally. In today’s society, many people like to over-exert themselves, both at work and at home. Self-care helps with that, it allows people to build themselves up, and regain resilience.

WHAT IS SELF-CARE?

Now onto the description of self-care. Self-care is known to lower anxiety, depression and to reduce stress. It is known to improve concentration. It can minimize everyday frustration and anger. No matter the difficulties, self-care is able to increase happiness, improve energy, and more. It does not matter what one chooses; what does matter is that you are able to maintain a healthy relationship with yourself. Several examples are:

  • bubble bath

  • calming music

  • reading

  • setting phone aside

  • Mindfulness

  • Yoga

  • journaling

  • Take a break

For those who are more into interactive procedures for enjoyment, there are different forms of self-care that may help you relax better and help with self-discovery. Several examples of interactive self-care are listed below:

  • Walking outside alone

  • Connect with friends and family

  • Playing video games

  • Cleaning

  • Take a break

At first, people may not know when to take a break. After taking a break people are able to clear their minds and work on everything better and with more enjoyment. Also, remember that everyone experiences some form of negative thoughts at some point. Never feel guilty if you ever need to turn to family/friends for some form of help.

By: Courtney Miller, LPC

OTHER COUNSELING SERVICES OFFERED AT WELL MINDED COUNSELING CENTER

Our Denver area counseling center sees clients of all ages and addresses a wide variety of mental health concerns. WellMinded offers the following counseling services:

How to “Fight” More Fairly With Your Partner

How to “Fight” More Fairly With Your Partner

By: Regina Hopkins, LPC

“Attacked,” “Betrayed,” “Insulted,” “Invalidated,” “Blamed,” “Diminished,” “Disrespected.” These are just some of the words that you might hear when in a heated argument with your partner or loved ones. However, when we use these words, they are not likely to serve us a useful purpose or create a connection with the other person. In fact, they usually add more fuel to the fire and don’t help to de-escalate the situation. The person hearing the words listed above will usually become defensive and you two will start arguing about the word being used, rather than the actual issue(s) at hand.

We often use the words listed above following the words, “I feel…” However, have you ever stopped to consider the power of the words you’re actually using? These words, although we can make them sound as if they are a feeling word, are actually not feelings. They are a thought. To be more accurate they are usually an evaluation of someone else’s behavior or a feeling word mixed with a thought or judgment. What you might actually be feeling could be better described with real/authentic feeling words such as: “vulnerable,” “insecure,” “sad” “worried,” “withdrawn,” “confused,” “restless”.

When in a heated argument with your partner it is best to stick to real/authentic feeling words and that will keep you on track to a quicker path to resolution.

You may find a list of authentic feeling words here:

https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/feelings-inventory

You can also find a list of pseudo–feelings (a feeling mixed with a thought or evaluation) here:

https://ellyvanlaar.com/list-of-pseudo-feelings-feelings-mixed-with-a-thought/

The Downfalls of Control and Avoidance and Their Superior: Acceptance

Chances are you've experienced distress at one point or another in your life. Maybe you have felt anxious about something coming up and over-thought things, or maybe you have felt depressed reminiscing on the good old days and missing what used to be. Good news, your brain works! It is able to think, plan, predict, remember, and so much more! While the brain is incredibly helpful at times, sometimes we need a little help coping with everything going on. 

Thinking about the past and the future is not inherently bad. However, if you find your day occupied by these thoughts, and they are accompanied by uncomfortable emotions or sensations, these thoughts can be unhelpful. In fact, these thoughts can greatly impact our ability to be productive people in society if they are paired with sweaty palms or a racing heart. They may also impact our ability to be a kind and empathetic parent or partner, or even our ability to be an ally to ourselves. This is because, when we start to experience distress or discomfort we try to find ways to soothe and we don’t always do so in the most effective ways. Our go tos are often control or avoidance strategies. 

If you have ever sat down and thought out every single thing that could go wrong and how to prevent it, or have made attempts to change how you have felt in one way or another, you have tried control strategies. The issue with control is that in many situations you just don’t have it. And that rigid thinking can be distressing! Maybe you have tried to numb a feeling with drugs or alcohol, or have tried to distract yourself with TV or by immersing yourself in work. Any time that you have actively stayed clear of people, places, or situations in order to defuse conflict or avoid being uncomfortable you are using avoidance. While in moderation these strategies can be helpful, they are often not long-term solutions. In some situations, they can even be detrimental. Feelings fester and bubble up, and when used in excess you miss out on life opportunities and feel greater distress than initially. 

In order to reduce the damage that avoidance and control strategies can have, you must lean into acceptance. Now, this isn’t to be confused with condoning, nor does it mean that you will always feel comfortable. It simply means that you are going to make the conscious decision to say that what is happening is out of your control and not worth the costs of avoiding or controlling. In doing so, you will make space to tolerate feeling uncomfortable so you may continue to pursue your values. This takes practice and is not a skill you master overnight, but it can be made easier when you start to think about your values. 

Take a moment to reflect on your values and the things you truly cherish most in life. Then, when you are ready, ask yourself: “Is what I am doing helping or hindering my ability to live in alignment with my values?”. If you answer that it is not impeding those values, keep doing what you are doing. If it is hindering your ability to connect with your values, finding ways to tolerate uncertainty and discomfort may be more beneficial. Imagine you want to make more friends but the thought of socializing with new people makes you so anxious that you actively avoid talking to other people. What you are actually hindering is your ability to live in alignment with your value of feeling connected with and cherished by other people. In this scenario, being connected to others is more important than not feeling embarrassed in a crowd of new people.

If you answer that question and find that you are standing in the way of pursuing the things you truly care about, the superior coping mechanism is acceptance. I challenge you, the reader, to ask yourself that question next time you feel distressed and make an attempt to try something different in the name of your values, even if that means stepping out of your comfort zone. 

*More posts on this topic to come, though if you find interest in this subject, refer to the book The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris.


By: Paige Leedy, LCSW

Self-Compassion

Self Compassion, a concept that sounds simple at first glance, is something that many people struggle with putting into action. Compassion is the sympathetic awareness of others’ distress, coupled with a desire to help relieve said distress. To have this compassion for ourselves is to offer understanding and warmth inwards, towards ourselves, when we experience distress, suffering, feel less than, or perceive that we have failed. Developing self-compassion can be an important factor in improving mental health.

Self-compassion is often misunderstood. Self-compassion is NOT selfish. Many people develop the perception that being compassionate towards themselves will let them “get away with things.” Often, the worry is that being compassionate to ourselves will cause what we generally try to avoid like eating lots of junk food, not getting homework/work done, not taking care of household chores, or not keeping up with personal hygiene. Self-compassion is NOT self-centered. Allowing yourself understanding and warmth does not take away from the empathy that you have for those that you care about. In fact, developing self-compassion does quite the opposite, allowing you to be more understanding and caring for the people in your life. Fill up your cup with compassion first, and pouring from that cup into others will be much easier.

Think of your favorite mentor, coach, or friend. How did they support you? What made them your favorite? What positive qualities did they have that made them a great coach or mentor or friend? It is unlikely that this person only pointed out your flaws, berated you for your mistakes, and ignored your positive attributes. Self-compassion is being a caring, understanding, empathetic mentor to ourselves, being your own biggest cheerleader, or your own best friend.

The following questions are posed as a check-in, and can be used to find potential growth areas for self-compassion:

How were you unkind or judgmental to yourself this week?

How might a caring friend have responded differently?

How are you taking care of yourself so that you may better cope with the stressors in your life?

How do you react when you feel that you have failed at something important to you?

What are your greatest qualities?

Do you give yourself permission to feel all of your emotions? Are you loving to yourself when you are worried, embarrassed, or angry?

Do you value treating yourself with kindness?

Name one caring sentiment that you can say to yourself when you need support.

By: Amber Cherrette, LPCC

Introducing the Millennial Mental Health podcast

We have exciting news here at WellMinded Counseling! After months of putting our heads together and brainstorming ways we could continue to build community and provide mental health resources, we’re pleased to announce the launch of our podcast: Millennial Mental Health.

Millennial Mental Health is a discussion of all aspects of mental health and self-improvement. Our goal is to provide a space to allow people to hear from professionals from diverse wellness and mental health backgrounds, as well as for everyday people to talk about different topics that inspire them and help them cope with their world.

We all lead busy lives, and we’re thrilled to be able to provide our empathy and expertise in this format that you can take with you no matter what you’re doing or where you are in the world.

What to expect

Millennial Mental Health is another extension of WellMinded Counseling’s mission to reduce the stigmas surrounding mental health and recovery and spread awareness of different issues. The podcast also gives us the opportunity to provide support and compassion to a greater number of individuals experiencing mental health issues, as well as to advocate for others and teach coping mechanisms and other skills.

Episodes will be released weekly on Tuesdays during the run of this first season. The episodes you can expect in Season 1 will cover a range of topics including work-life balance, yoga and mental health, social media and the impact of influencers, and more. Hosted by WellMinded Counseling founder Stephanie Konter-O’Hara, LPC will occasionally feature familiar faces from the practice and guest speakers from other specialties.

Listen now

Millennial Mental Health can be found on Spotify, WellMindedCounseling.com, or via subscription to our RSS feed.

If you are experiencing new or increased symptoms of mental health struggles or would like to learn about your options for counseling and therapy for any reason, please contact us via our website or by calling 720-380-3564 to learn more about our in-office and online services.