Here are some practical steps when talking to your child about attending therapy as well as when they start attending regularly.
1) Wait for the right moment
Ask your child/teen about the idea of attending therapy when they are calm and level headed. Raising this idea when your child has been experiencing negative emotions and behaviors can be a struggle as a parent, so if you ask in a moment of calm, it will help you child see it as actual help and less of a punishment or you telling them that there is something "wrong" with them, since that is not a positive message to receive as a child or really at any age.
2) Identify the problem
Tell your child/teen what has you worried. Try, “Honey, I have witnessed you being sad and isolating recently,” or “Seems like you’ve been having a lot of nightmares lately.” This way they hear you in a way that demonstrates you've noticed a change in their behavior that is of concern to you.
3. Offer compassion
Tell your child/teen you sense that he/she has been struggling and you want to help. For example, say “Is it upsetting to you when you feel overwhelmed and want to hide?,” or “Nightmares can be really scary. No one likes to be scared.”
4) Explain therapy
Once you’ve identified the problem and offered compassion, tell your child you’ve found someone who can help. You might offer “Sometimes when children feel scared a lot of the time, it helps to go to a person whose job it is to help kids/teens understand their feelings and worries by talking about them and learning skills to help. We think if you met with her a few times it might help you understand why you’ve been having those nightmares. Then you won’t have to feel scared anymore.”
5) Don’t get discouraged
No matter how gentle you are, your child/teen may growl “There’s nothing wrong with me!” or “I don’t get nightmares anymore!” Remain calm and stay the course with an answer such as “Ok, if you and the therapist decide you’re not scared anymore Dad and I will be very happy. But we love you, and for now this is what we think is best.”
Once Therapy is Underway
6) Don’t “grill” your child after sessions
It’s a tall order, but resist the urge to ask for reports. Questions like “What did you and the therapist talk about today?” are likely to produce either silence or an answer designed to please you/tell you what you want to hear. Let your child’s/teens therapy be a private place, and use your meetings with the therapist to get and share information about how things are going.
7) Remind your child/teen that she has therapy as a resource, but don’t harp on it
When difficulties arise, there’s nothing wrong with gently suggesting that your child/teen talk about them in therapy. If your daughter/son is skipping class to hide you might say “You know, Honey, if you feel like talking with the therapist about what happened she might be able to help you with the problems you’re having in class.” But try not to bring therapy up too often, or your child/teen will feel you’re intruding or using her therapist as an ancillary parent/someone that can solve all of your child/teens problems. If there’s something you want the therapist to know, the best bet may be to get in touch directly. But inform your child/teen beforehand, so he/she won’t feel the adults are conspiring.
8) Don’t use therapy as a threat or form of discipline
A comment like “If you don’t start cooperating I’m going to have a talk with the therapist” is counterproductive and often threatening. Here’s a more effective approach: “Lately you seem angry whenever I ask you to follow directions, and we haven’t been able to talk about it. I don't enjoy fighting. I think it would be a good idea for us to talk to the therapist about ways we can get along better.”
If you need help talking to you child about therapy, you can also ask the therapist you're seeing to help facilitate the conversation as well.
