Atychiphobia

The fear of failure.

Or as I have deemed it, persistent fear of messing it all up. 

Fear, is as much, if not precisely the same as anxiety. The fear of failure however is quiet specific in its hold on a person. It will strike only when success is the primary goal. However success can mean just about anything; successful relationship, successful career, success in raising children, success in finances, success at being popular. So this fear leads you to have no choice, except to be PERFECT.
Perfectionism, the constant sneaking feeling that what you’ve done is just never quiet enough. Spinning your wheels to run faster, work longer, climb higher, be something more than what you are, “I mean come on, clearly what and who you are clearly isn’t anything decent” said the voice of shame.
We say things to ourselves that we’d never say out loud to another person because, well we’d just be a bully. We bully ourselves into many things, we shame, and guilt ourselves into doing things that are for…. Who? Ourselves, our partners, our parents, our peers… 

For example right now, I am attempting to write a personal statement. I’ve probably have edited it about 20 times, have had my brother edit it 5, and well I still think its not ready to be submitted. The pressure and stakes are too high to not be diligent, I tell myself. Because this statement will be read over in 5 minutes by the admissions board, and thats all the time I have to impress them initially. Then again, its only worth 5 minutes of their time.
What is a girl to do?

The only solace I can conjure at this moment is, I can just keep trying and to shut down my inner bully with statements like “I’m doing the best I can” (even if I have to mumble it to myself thousands of times).

I'm Fine

This is the answer people expect from you when they as “How are you?”. I personally can hardly tolerate this distressing transaction. 

Can we as members of society be authentic when we have such exchanges. I highly doubt it. 

On the other hand for the person saying “I’m fine” let’s us hold up our masks that we use to hide from the world. 

When we share this interaction we may be submitting to compliancy, and mediocrity in our relationships or subduing our True Self. If we were honest to the question of “How are you?”, the authentic answers would be more along the lines of: 

I’m stresses

I’m depressed

I’m wanting to forget

I’m tired

I’m angry 

I’m scared

I’m heartbroken

I’m confused

I’m lonely, etc. 

Because we have stigmatized emotions in society sharing anything less than happy is you not following this unspoken social code of engagement. If we continue to engage in conversations in which we deny ourselves true connection we will continue to be “fine” while unconnected. We are agreeing to a less passionate life whole participating in this social code. 

It’s up to us, choose to engage, to feel to be connected, or choose to sit by, to numb, to be disconnected 

Anxiety

I plan to do a speech this week to depict anxiety, and my experiences with it. I thought posting it may help readers and also I personally wanted some feedback (I’m encouraging both) 

Anxiety
“that feeling that over takes your soul in its most intense moments body shakes, whether the leg know it or not it begins doing its own dance, fingers begin picking and scratching at the skin with such ferocity that blood begins to pool 

Breathing becomes shallow, pressured and painful 

Sounds become blurred, eyes water

These sensations become overwhelming, the only sensible way to overcome them is ride it out, to embrace the fears, the sadness, the pain 

Anxiety occurs in all of us from time to time in our lives. The intensity, frequency and duration however is greatly varied in the population. Some people are anxious over meeting new people, a project due at work, telling someone how they really feel, spending money, making a change, moving on, or simply driving down the street. There is hope though, and you’re not alone. Anxiety shows up as symptoms of other ineffective behaviors, substance abuse, eating disorders, compulsive rituals, picking or cutting skin, shopping, gambling, playing video games excessively, and so on.

In my heart, I feel deep compassion for those that suffer from everyday to crippling anxiety. I have been personally diagnosed with GAD or General Anxiety Disorder. It’s affected me in ways that are not always seen by others, because those that suffer including me have become proficient in wearing what I call a Mask. I can act the act, talk the talk, and walk the walk when it comes to seeming reasonably “ok”. I need to control my surroundings, future and my influence on others is all carefully monitored by my inner worrier warrior.

 At this time I don’t know how to turn it off, and it may never turn off completely, but I’m proud to say I have worked with diligence and compassion for myself to turn the volume down on that little voice that tells me ‘do more, not quite good enough'”

Thank you

Feeling Numb and Empty

There is no health without mental health. 

Depression is a serious mental illness that many over look or just tell themselves that I’m not ill, I’m just sad. I’d dare say that they most likely tell themselves thats because society has framed our perspective of it as such. Depression can affect us in a variety of ways, DSM 5 defines it as having 5 out of these 9 symptoms in the past two weeks.

1. Depressed mood most of the day, almost every day, indicated by your own subjective report or by the report of others. This mood might be characterized by sadness emptiness, or hopelessness

2. Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all or almost all activities most of the day nearly every day.

3. Significant weight loss when not dieting or weight gain.

4. Inability to sleep or oversleeping nearly every day.

5. Psychomotor agitation or retardation nearly every day.

6. Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day.

7. Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt (which may be delusional) nearly every day.

8. Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day.

9. Recurrent thoughts of death (not just fear of dying), recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a   specific plan for committing suicide.

People who have not experienced depression may have a vague understand of what it truly feels like. In the accounts I have heard, people use these sentiments to describe there feelings:

• A black cloud following me 

• Numb

• Alone, forever lonely 

• Empty, like a black hole

• Cancer of the soul

• No future can be achieved

• Desperate to breathe 

• Feeling alone in a crowded room

• Death may be calmer

These thoughts are shared and expanded upon by many that suffer from depression. Don’t minimize your own pain or someone else, the thoughts and feelings are real, and in order to get out of hell, you first have to walk through it. 

I'm Not Sorry

Apologizing, please pleasing, and disrespecting your self is what has been come to be known as how “women behave”. After embracing the lessons, wisdom and evidence that dialectical behavioral therapy provides I now can truly recognize the importance of being unapologetic of who I am, what I want, how I feel and why I do things. Life is long and hard, yet fleeting. The moments that we have to express ourselves are limited if we spend an abundant amount of time saying or feeling sorry. 

I think the obscene part of the phenomenon of the sorry is that we believe we are acting, saying and feeling sorry for the benefit of others, yet it’s one of the most self involved stance we can take. All sorts of concerned rush through our minds about how people see us, and how we think our impact on people is so immense that we have to apologize. Plus we create a sense of self denial that is illustrated only clearly as being a martyr. 

The skill that illustrates how to become reformed apologizers is the FAST skill.

F- be fair to yourself and others

A- don’t apologize for who you are, what you want or for existing 

S- stick to your values and what you believe 

T- be truthful in every way that you can tolerate

Using this skill can be done all out of order or even sperately. 

When you can maintain your self respect, guilt and shame will likely be decreased when you are doing what you want. When you’re rejected it will be less about how it’s all your fault and more about that it just wasn’t right. 

As a child we are often condition to say “I ‘m sorry”, and often, where its likely to fill any “good little girl/boy” with this deep shame that can lead to doubt and insecurity. However that doesn’t mean that change is impossible, and that it’s wrong to embrace what you have been socialized to believe.

I encourage everyone to be mindful of truly often we say those shame provoking words of “I ‘m sorry”.