The fear of failure.
Or as I have deemed it, persistent fear of messing it all up.
Fear, is as much, if not precisely the same as anxiety. The fear of failure however is quiet specific in its hold on a person. It will strike only when success is the primary goal. However success can mean just about anything; successful relationship, successful career, success in raising children, success in finances, success at being popular. So this fear leads you to have no choice, except to be PERFECT.
Perfectionism, the constant sneaking feeling that what you’ve done is just never quiet enough. Spinning your wheels to run faster, work longer, climb higher, be something more than what you are, “I mean come on, clearly what and who you are clearly isn’t anything decent” said the voice of shame.
We say things to ourselves that we’d never say out loud to another person because, well we’d just be a bully. We bully ourselves into many things, we shame, and guilt ourselves into doing things that are for…. Who? Ourselves, our partners, our parents, our peers…
For example right now, I am attempting to write a personal statement. I’ve probably have edited it about 20 times, have had my brother edit it 5, and well I still think its not ready to be submitted. The pressure and stakes are too high to not be diligent, I tell myself. Because this statement will be read over in 5 minutes by the admissions board, and thats all the time I have to impress them initially. Then again, its only worth 5 minutes of their time.
What is a girl to do?
The only solace I can conjure at this moment is, I can just keep trying and to shut down my inner bully with statements like “I’m doing the best I can” (even if I have to mumble it to myself thousands of times).