I haven't shared 100% with the readers of this blog about my own struggles. For about 12 years on a daily basis I struggled with the feelings of "I'm not worth it", "I don't deserve love", "I'm gross", "I must be perfect", "I hate myself and my body", "I'm not good enough", to name a few.

Today's struggles aren't so deeply engrained and they still have power. I experienced an emotionally difficult day yesterday. It all started with this feeling of not being "where I want to be", and then escalated when I saw a cute picture of a friend on Facebook. My immediate thought was "F**K!, I'm disgusting compared to her, she looks so fit and cute in that picture. If only I could..... I would be..... I should....." The cycle of negative thoughts continued for the next few hours. They began to get darker, and my emotions continued to escalate.

I utilized some of my coping skills such as taking a walk, attempting positive affirmations, and talking about it. They did seem to help overtime, but they were not an immediate fix. I sat in those emotions and thoughts, trying my very bets to hold on to my recovery. Sometimes I think the fear of falling back into my old behaviors is just as strong as the feelings of being in the behavior.

When someone gives me a suggestion, I shoot it down, I avoid their advice because I think to myself, if I try to do something different than what led me into recovery I am opening myself up to relapse. Then with further reflection, perhaps its just my fear of change, my fear of I could "loose control", and I feel like I have control in my recovery.... Wait, did I just think that? Isn't letting go of control a part of healing?

Just being there in that thought reminds me once again, that RECOVERY isn't an accomplishment, its a life long practice.

So with that said, last night I went to bed that night reminding myself that I am doing the best I can, and that there is more power in being creative than in being "perfect".

A variety of therapeutic theories promote that asking for help is a sign of strength, emotionally vulnerability and humility. When you ask people, even your therapist might pose a question that is directed for you to answer for yourself, with straight forward advice or simply the “follow your gut” response.

As an individual you can grow by asking others, think of it as an information gathering process, doing the research, reviewing the evidence.

However what do you do when you ask for help, and you don’t receive a response? What if the response you do receive is primarily motivated by the desires of the person responding?

In either of these situations I try to look within myself in why these situations may be the result of my inquisition. Do I want someone to solve the problem for me? Or take the responsibility of the situation out of my hands and place it in another’s, so if something undesirable happens I can blame them?

I’d encourage everyone to remember that something’s are not meant to be resolved, and just are, which is a part of acceptance, even if it’s something that we don’t like.

Mediate and pray about what’s the most effective way to handle the conundrums you find yourself in.

I’d love to hear back from you, leave your thoughts below.

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