I haven't shared 100% with the readers of this blog about my own struggles. For about 12 years on a daily basis I struggled with the feelings of "I'm not worth it", "I don't deserve love", "I'm gross", "I must be perfect", "I hate myself and my body", "I'm not good enough", to name a few.
Today's struggles aren't so deeply engrained and they still have power. I experienced an emotionally difficult day yesterday. It all started with this feeling of not being "where I want to be", and then escalated when I saw a cute picture of a friend on Facebook. My immediate thought was "F**K!, I'm disgusting compared to her, she looks so fit and cute in that picture. If only I could..... I would be..... I should....." The cycle of negative thoughts continued for the next few hours. They began to get darker, and my emotions continued to escalate.
I utilized some of my coping skills such as taking a walk, attempting positive affirmations, and talking about it. They did seem to help overtime, but they were not an immediate fix. I sat in those emotions and thoughts, trying my very bets to hold on to my recovery. Sometimes I think the fear of falling back into my old behaviors is just as strong as the feelings of being in the behavior.
When someone gives me a suggestion, I shoot it down, I avoid their advice because I think to myself, if I try to do something different than what led me into recovery I am opening myself up to relapse. Then with further reflection, perhaps its just my fear of change, my fear of I could "loose control", and I feel like I have control in my recovery.... Wait, did I just think that? Isn't letting go of control a part of healing?
Just being there in that thought reminds me once again, that RECOVERY isn't an accomplishment, its a life long practice.
So with that said, last night I went to bed that night reminding myself that I am doing the best I can, and that there is more power in being creative than in being "perfect".