In this heartfelt episode, we dive into the transformative journey of motherhood. Host Stephanie Konter-O'Hara opens up about her own experiences of navigating the challenges and beauty of becoming a mother for the first time.
Stephanie normalizes the struggles and triumphs of motherhood, reminding us that we're not alone. Whether you're a new mom, a mom-to-be, or simply someone interested in the motherhood experience, this episode is full of wisdom, validation, and support.
Key Topics Discussed:
Navigating Motherhood for the First Time
Facing the Inner Critic
The Power of Letting Go
Special Announcement: Stephanie is launching a Pregnancy and Postpartum Support Group in January. If this episode resonates with you, be sure to reach out to learn more about how to connect with other women during this life-changing time.
Please leave us a review or rating! These help get the show out to more women. We hope this show finds other women like you wanting to have these conversations.
Would you like to chat more about this episode's topic? I would love to continue our conversation over on Instagram! @wellmindedcounseling
If you're a new mom looking for community, and local to Colorado, come join us in January for an in-person group that's made to support women on the journey to and through motherhood. Enrollment begins December 1st and final time to sign up for group will be December 30, 2024.
“I just think it’s so disorienting when you have a life that you had clearly planned out and you thought that your plan involved a baby, and you could figure out how to do it with the baby, and then turns out.
Ha! Ha! Jokes on you! It’s not gonna go like you thought it was and really trying to let go and surrender to that is hard.
”
Where to find more from Redefining Us:
Website: wellmindedcounseling.com/redefining-us-pod
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/wellmindedcounseling
Instagram: @wellmindedcounseling
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Hey All welcome back!
To redefining us.
I am wanting to talk about today, Few different things.
One of them is navigating motherhood for the 1st time. Another is talking about your inner critic, and talking about letting go.
So I'll 1st start talking about, Figuring out who you are as a new mom. A lot of people and her motherhood with. Rose colored glasses. Or they enter it with a lot of fear or potentially some loneliness.
Some feelings of "How the heck am I going to do this."
So I think having a group of other women who are going through similar things as you could be really helpful.
Because zooming motherhood alone, even if you have your partner, and even if you have your parents or your other friends that aren't moms.
For people who have been moms for a long time. That's not the same experience that having women who are going through the journey simultaneously as you is. Because it's really easy to forget what it feels like to be a new mom, the hormones that are going on, the fears that are going on, the changes that are going on. The physical experience of recovering from becoming a mom.
It's just a lot all at once and I think it's easy to forget with time, with healing with space and It's not like anything else.
So if there's, you know friends in your life who haven't become a mother. It's gonna be very difficult for them to relate to what the experience is like and I'm not saying this to make you feel more isolated. I'm just saying this to highlight like it's a huge transformation. I don't think that I've been through anything quite like it.
I know sometimes people compare Like menopause, or going through puberty to something that is comparable hormonally.
That becoming a mother is like, but I think, because motherhood is on its own time. It's not like, Oh, everybody's going through puberty between the ages of like 13 and 16, or everyone is going through menopause around midlife, like you can become a mom. A wide variety of ages.
And a wide variety of seasons in your life, and so having other people who are in similar seasons Or similar times, I think, is really valuable.
Because it's so unpredictable, like you just don't know how you're gonna feel, during pregnancy during birth, during postpartum.
You can't really plan for what the experience is like.
Don't know whether you're gonna feel nauseous. Your whole pregnancy. You don't know whether or not you're gonna feel blown and energetic. Your entire pregnancy.
You don't know whether or not you're gonna have a birth trauma cause that's widely out of your hands. You can do so many things to prepare for birth and things can still not go as you envisioned.
And then postpartum again. I don't think there's any really good handbook for exactly how it goes. Obviously there are people who have been through postpartum, and have had experiences of having a baby and what it's like to their lives. But I think it's all just so unique is my point and having a group of other women that are going through it. Similarly around the same time is, I think, really and having those resources is super helpful.
Yeah, I think comforting to be like, Oh, wow! Like, I'm not Alone, because motherhood can feel Really, you have this new human being that you are now set up to take care of. Literally what feels like forever for the 1st time. You go from being potentially like a carefree person who really has to worry about themselves. Maybe a dog's maybe a cat.
Maybe a job, maybe their partner. But for the most part you're living barely untethered and then suddenly, you have this child what feels like very quickly, and even if you plan for even if you yearn for it.
Even, if you've been waiting for years, it's still a huge transition, and I guess I wanted to really highlight that point, that it's not like anything else I've ever experienced. At least I can't speak for all women obviously. So I intentionally went around to find other women who are going through that experience at the same time as myself. I went online. I looked for groups. I looked for
I looked for ways that I could connect with other women who. We're going through the process at the same time. And honestly, I think that was a lot of my saving grace.
In my experience, because there was moments late at night, especially when you're sleep deprived, and up at 3 Am. Feeding your baby you're like going through all of these thoughts and all of these feelings. And for me I was like, Oh, my gosh! Like how does anyone do this.
Like, truly, how does anyone do this like, how is this possible to do.
If you had to do it truly alone. There were so many times during postpartum the thoughts myself. I am someone who's so lucky to have a partner, to have family, to have friends that I have.
Because some women don't have that like, how do people manage childcare? If they're not well resourced, whether it's with time, money, or people like I just don't know like the society's just not set up to be surrounded by people, unless you intentionally find people this day and age.
And so, anyways, I really felt like I had shedded a skin of What Stephanie Pre Baby was, and was slowly figuring out how to fit into this new outfit, this new role. As being a mom and slowly figuring out like, Okay, this is where it zips. And this is where buttons. And this is where it ties.
This part feels a little tight. This feels a little loose, this feels a little scratchy and Yeah, kind of what felt like really muddling my way through it, despite trying my best to find resources to make me feel less alone and less like gosh! This is a scary experience.
And of course, my experience is different than others, and or other people might have the same experience. But for me I experienced some postpartum OCD. Which really looks like some thoughts around my health, around her health, around safety, just having to do mental gymnastics, to talk myself out of being worried, Being scared to the point where I couldn't sleep Yeah, I was afraid of Mastitis, which is an infection in your breast when you're breastfeeding, that can cause sickness and fever for yourself, and then blocked milk, which are painful, and then can inhibit feeding your baby If you're breastfeeding, so yea I was afraid of that. I was afraid of falling down the stairs. I was afraid of SID's. I was afraid of everything like oh, my Godness, she's gonna get a cold! Oh, my goodness! She's gonna suffocate! Oh, my goodness. I'm gonna not be able to do this because I'm sleep deprived like I'm so dizzy I'm going to fall over. I'm so tired I can't think, and, like the list went on and on, and on and on and on.
And I looked for resources, and I tried to join groups and I'm sure if I had the energy and the resources and the mental capacity that I do now, it would have been easier to do that, but I Did look for a support group and I even did an intake. I'm a support group, and that never came into anything.
I finally decided, I'm gonna sign up for training. Since I'm a therapist to learn about postpartum. So maybe if I can learn about postpartum learn about the experience of becoming a mom, that I could not only help myself, but help others.
And then I, of course, joined some mom groups and connected with other moms in the community Who are becoming moms at the same time.
I was going to try to go to some mommy and me classes. But oh, my goodness, talk about a struggle getting out of the house. Like with a newborn like. I barely could do that like getting her in the car was a such a task What felt like a hurdle or a barrier to get my needs met.
I would do it for her like I would bring her to the doctors, and I would you know bring her to all of the appointments that were necessary, put to get out of the house and do something for me in those early days really hard.
So I think, figuring out how you can connect With other women during pregnancy. So you can maintain those relationships in postpartum. Is truly in my experience. What helped me stay sane.
11:36:58 And even if it was only just shooting someone, a text or messaging in a group chat or setting up a virtual call like those things helped.
Those things mattered yhe follow up the check ins like, how are you doing? What's going on like? Talk to me.
I think, yeah, that kept me together and maybe some people don't need that but I needed that.
And just even though after, the Newborn phase like figuring out, how am I going to reenter work.
How am I going to drop my baby off at daycare and not miss her all day?
How am I going to transition from solely breastfeeding her to having her drink bottles at daycare?
That was a process.
How to figure out work, life, balance?
Once I did have childcare how to figure out how to be a leader in my organization, when my brain was preoccupied with how my baby was doing?
It's I don't know a whirlwind, and I'm about to be a year out from becoming a mom. My baby's birthdays in a few days and I think I'm still trying to figure it out. I'm still reflecting on what my life looks like now, and trying to project how I can set myself up for success.
Because I just think it's so disorienting when you have a life that you had clearly planned out and you thought that your plan involved a baby, and you could figure out how to do it with the baby, and then turns out.
Ha! Ha! Jokes on you! It's not gonna go like you thought it was and really trying to let go and surrender to that.
And to show up for yourself. And myself, and to show it for my baby. To show up for my husband, to show up for my family and dogs, and friends. Just looks a lot different than what I think I planned. And just yeah, letting go trying to be in the flow of that. That is something that I think is more important now that I'm a mom than it was before, like I would hear, oh, just like being in the flow, and don't resist what comes natural to you, and being your feminine energy. And all this stuff. And I was like, Yeah, that all sounds great. I think I'm doing that. I think I'm going with my flow. But upon reflection, I really think I was just forcing a lot of things.
I was forcing work, I was forcing friendships. I was forcing myself to do things that I thought were helping me check off the boxes of what it meant to be successful, and I think those things maybe still make me think that. Though doing those things, or being in those places, and having those conversations, aligning myself with certain people in the community, will help me be successful. Still. But I think it's just less push than I had before. And it's not that I think old Stephanie was doing it wrong. I just think new Stephanie and new Mom has different priorities. And that's okay. And getting to the place where I can say, like, that's okay is still a work in progress.
And yeah, I guess I just wanna honor those that are listening that have been through similar transformation or have are about to go through becoming a mom, or in the thick of it, figuring out what it's like to be a mom like. Yeah, your journey might be different than mine. But it's definitely going to be a journey. It's not just like a light switch where one day you're you! And the next day. Your mom, and you know exactly what to do, and you're figuring it out, and you're badass at it, like, I think it really is a process of shedding your old clothes and shedding your old skin, and shedding your old identity, and putting on a new one, or finding a new one and living into your new one. So, yeah, I just wanted to normalize all of that experience and validate those that are going through it.
Gosh! What a wild, wild ride! Like. I don't think there's anything else to use to classify the experience or to explain the experience except calling it a wild ride. And yeah, I think it's helped me getting more in touch with my boundaries. Getting more in touch with how I want to spend my time, but I think now, though the holes or the gaps that I'm experiencing is like what makes me feel fulfilled now. What helps me feel productive.
Now. What's going to take me from where I am today to who I need to be like next week, next year. For myself. And for my family. Because I think I was just coasting before all of this, and just like, I don't know. I was still doing the best I can, and I was still showing up for other people. But now I almost think there has to be a different way that I show up. And then a different way that women who are moms can show up for themselves and for others that doesn't lead to feeling burnt out, or overstimulated, or overwhelmed, because trust me, you're already gonna be there just by living your life.
But then, when you add on work, and friends and family, the limits of which you can do will probably just feel like less. And honoring that. They're not forcing yourself to keep the life that you had before, but it just seems to the life that you have now. I was having a conversation with someone at a dinner party, and they were telling me that a friend of theirs was really resistant to changing their life post-baby and to just bring your baby with her everywhere and would just kind of grin and bear it, and pull herself up by her bootstraps. And I thought to myself, like, that's that woman's journey. That's that woman's experience. That's maybe what she wants. But like I. Parents say that. That's how I want my journey to be. I can't live in alignment with myself and show up how I used to show up with other people. I can't just pull myself up by my bootstraps and smile. Like, I need more time for rest.
I need more time for flowing in my energy. I need more time for being the mom that I want to be like. Again, going back to the dinner party, I was starting to find myself feeling a little guilty for wanting to go home rather than stay out and be there to help put my baby to bed, because I know there's only a certain amount of days or years that my baby’s gonna want me there to help put her to bed. And I don't know. I got sentimental and a little sad about feeling like that. Time is limited. And I wanna be there for that. I don't wanna miss out on that. And sure, maybe I missed out on coming to play board games or going out to spend more social time with my friends. But in that moment, that's what I felt like I needed to do.
And so, rather than push that feeling down, or push that thought down, I let myself go home to be with my baby, to help put her to bed. Maybe other times my choice will be different. Maybe other times I'll feel the need to stay out and be present with my friends. And I think it's just, I don't know, ebbing, flowing with where you are, and what feelings and what thoughts you're having, rather than resisting it. And just like truly surrendering to the experience of where you are. And just like riding that wave. As a trained DBT therapist, there's a coping skill and emotion called riding the wave, and I kind of see a lot of themes and ties back to that coping skill of riding the wave and motherhood. Because it's not a straight line. It's not a clear path. It's like an ocean that waves come at different cadences and at different heights, and different temperatures, and you just have to ride it and flow with it, and be with it.
At least in my experience, and I would assume a lot of other women's experience too. Because the more you force and the more you plan, and the more you think it's gonna go a certain way, I think the less peace you probably have, and perspective, and the less, yeah, the word peace just keeps coming back to me. I think if we continue to force and live in that more masculine energy, or that more high achieving productive energy, the more anxious we're gonna feel, the more burnt out we're gonna feel, the more displeased we'll feel.
And we're robbing ourselves, or I could rob myself from joy and peace and surrender, and being in the moment. Just letting things flow as they come. And letting things fall and rise as they will. And just being on the journey of becoming the woman that I'm I guess meant to be. As a mom, as a leader, as a wife, as just me. So, yeah, I hope that was helpful and helps to normalize and validate any new mom's experience.
Or potentially help shed some light on what it could be like for you when you become a mom, or if you decide to become a mom. And yeah, these are a lot of things that I'm gonna be talking about in my pregnancy and postpartum support group that is gonna start up in January.
And I just kind of wanted to reach out to any of the listeners that might be tuning in to give them some ideas of the themes that will be discussed in the group, and I really hope that if this landed with you that you'll reach out to find out more. Because I think it's gonna be a really good time to connect with yourself. As a woman, as a mom, as a future mom. Because abandoning yourself to follow what the crowd is doing, or to abandon yourself to follow what other people say you should do, rather than follow what you think you need to do to be in alignment with you in your process, is just gonna leave you feeling more lonely and more empty.
And, Staying, connected, To your intuition, And then who you want to be.
I think, is the best gift that you can give yourself during this experience, of this new becoming. Alright, thanks for listening.