If you have ADHD, chances are you’re harder on yourself than you realize. Many of my clients have developed a critical inner voice after years of struggling with the symptoms of ADHD and external pressure during childhood. It sounds like “I should be able to do this,” or “Why is this so easy for everyone else?” or “If I don’t push myself, nothing will ever get done.” Over time, that voice becomes the source of motivation, and leads to difficulty accomplishing tasks without deadlines, accountability, or anxiety.
The problem is that this kind of self-talk is a short-term solution to a long-term problem. It might create short bursts of urgency or productivity, but it also fuels shame, anxiety, and burnout. In the long-term, it can create waves of depression, and can get us stuck in “survival mode” – only living day-to-day and struggling to achieve happiness. Eventually, burnout can make even short-term goals impossible, and that critical voice no longer is effective.
ADHD isn’t about laziness or a lack of willpower. It’s a neurological difference that affects how the brain manages attention, motivation, memory, emotions, and transitions. Most children with ADHD receive many more criticisms and judgments from adults, peers, and caregivers, which gets internalized over time. These children never learn positive, compassionate motivation, and are forced to learn it as adults. This is where learning self-compassion skills becomes extremely important.
Often, when my clients learn about self-compassion, they say “If I’m nice to myself, I’ll be lazy! Without pushing myself, I can’t be productive!” or, “I don’t deserve to be nice to myself – I haven’t accomplished my goals”. In reality, all of us deserve compassion rather than judgment because that’s what actually leads to change and growth. Being hard on ourselves just doesn’t work in the long term!
Self-compassion is the foundation of long-term, sustainable change. We can only prioritize our needs, take care of our bodies, and practice self-care when we feel like we deserve to. Taking care of our needs is what comes before productivity and motivation, not something we only deserve as a reward for getting our tasks done.
What might self-compassion look like in practice? Sometimes it involves gently reframing the way we talk to ourselves. “I should be able to do this, what is wrong with me?” may become “I’m struggling with this – who or what could help me work through the barriers in front of me?”. If you’re struggling to focus at work, it can look like trying to be mindful of your needs (do you need a break? Food or water? A chat with a favorite coworker?) rather than trying to push through – that’s how we get burnt out.
Here are a few simple ways to start practicing, without trying to overhaul everything at once:
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- Change the question
When you notice self-criticism, try replacing “What’s wrong with me?” with “What would help right now?” This shifts the brain from shame into problem-solving. Shame leads to avoidance, not change!
- Practice compassionate timing
Instead of expecting consistency, plan for variability. Build in grace for low-energy days and notice how that changes your relationship with productivity. ADHD is often inconsistent and unpredictable, and some days will inevitably be more difficult than others. Accept that and work with it, not against it. - Be a compassionate friend to yourself
Write down a self-critical thought, and imagine a friend is saying that about themselves. Chances are you would be kinder to them! Say out loud or write down how you would respond to that friend.
- Change the question
Living with ADHD in a world that wasn’t built for ADHD brains is challenging. Self-compassion doesn’t remove those challenges, but it changes how much you suffer while facing them. Over time, learning to work with your brain instead of against it can be one of the most powerful shifts you make.
If you’d like to learn more about self-compassion, I recommend the book Self Compassion by Kristin Neff, and the accompanying workbook The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook. Therapy is also a great option to learn techniques to fit self-compassion into your unique situation! Every brain is different, and it’s always worthwhile to talk things out with a therapist.
OTHER COUNSELING SERVICES WE OFFER IN DENVER, CO
We offer a variety of additional services besides brain-spotting and EMDR therapy. WellMinded Counseling also offers the following therapy services: