The Perfectionism-Burnout Cycle: Learning to Make Room for Self-Compassion
Today’s world is filled with productivity, achievements, the need to constantly improve, and the
desire to never be bored. Perfectionism can appear to be a strength and a way to keep ourselves
motivated. However, living in an imperfect world and being imperfect ourselves can sometimes
make it feel as though we are constantly chasing an expectation that keeps moving the bar
higher. When we are constantly striving for perfection, it can often lead to burnout—not only in
school or at work, but also in our relationships with others and with ourselves. Have you ever
stopped and wondered: How is perfectionism serving you?
Perfectionism involves setting high standards or expectations for ourselves and is often
accompanied by a fear of making mistakes, failing, or being vulnerable. It is also frequently
accompanied by an “inner critic,” which might sound like this: “You shouldn’t have spent today
sitting on the couch watching your favorite movie. You should have been cleaning the kitchen
instead.”
Sometimes, perfectionism shows up as a way to keep ourselves safe. Maybe it helps us fit in with
others, avoid feelings of shame, achieve a goal, or stay motivated. Sometimes, however, this can
come at the expense of our self-worth and self-esteem. We begin to tie our productivity to our
sense of worthiness. Yet, the bar keeps moving, often leaving us feeling disconnected from
ourselves and, at times, burned out.
Burnout can be described as a state of physical, mental, or emotional exhaustion. It can result
from stress, dysregulation, and unmet needs. Burnout can show up in different ways, such as
feeling disconnected from others, experiencing exhaustion, dreading something we used to love,
becoming increasingly irritable, and more.
Perfectionism and burnout have a special dance with each other. Perfectionism constantly pushes
us to improve and stay on the go, while burnout signals a need for rest—often for more than just
one day. This can be a difficult dichotomy to sit with when one part of us is telling us to be
productive and keep doing better, while another part may need us to slow down and become
curious about our needs. This internal conflict can lead to feelings of shame and guilt.
However, this cycle does not have to last forever. We can learn to listen to the different parts of
ourselves, approach them with curiosity, and explore the purpose they serve. Internal Family
Systems (IFS) suggests that there are “no bad parts.” Instead, parts may take on roles that once
served a purpose in keeping us safe and protected. With this in mind, we can begin to ask
ourselves: What would this part need in order to take a step back? What would the perfectionistic
part of us need in order to allow compassion into the situation?
As we develop relationships with our different parts, we can begin to recognize the situations in
which they tend to show up. We can learn strategies to navigate these circumstances while
allowing other parts of ourselves to step forward and approach these situations differently.
Compassion is an essential part of healing our relationships with our parts. Approaching
ourselves with compassion allows for greater curiosity and exploration. We can begin to
recognize which of our values we may be moving away from and which needs are going unmet.
We can learn to hold space for two seemingly opposing feelings, allowing both to be
acknowledged and validated.
You can rest and still be enough. You can set a boundary and still be liked by others. You can feel
scared and still be adventurous. You do not have to earn rest, and you do not have to be perfect to
be worthy.
OTHER COUNSELING SERVICES WE OFFER IN DENVER, CO
We offer a variety of additional services besides brain-spotting and EMDR therapy. WellMinded Counseling also offers the following therapy services: