By Courtney Miller, LPC

Many forms of strained relationships exist between family members. One of the most popular forms is difficult communication between couples which can precipitate into a downward spiral that can often include the children and other family members.

Let’s be honest: every relationship can have its difficulties one way or another. Dysfunctional communication is known to make tough situations worse, with this type of strain on a relationship, many things can unfold that may not be predictable.

Relationships grow and strengthen when a couple happily connects, gains trust, and finds interest in one another. As relationships grow and strengthen, communication grows and strengthens as well. However, difficult situations can happen that may begin to overshadow the positives that previously occurred. Examples of these situations may be:

• chaos at work

• sudden change at home

• change in interests

• changes in family health

• changes in family living/financial situation

• disagreements on raising of child/children

Dysfunctional communication can also begin even if something sudden and drastic does not happen. For example:

• Just not communicating. Ignoring uncomfortable conversations and just thinking it will pass.

• Worrying things will get worse if you dive deeper. Fear that if they dive deeper, things will get worse.

• Friction grows when it is ignored.

• Expecting a partner to be a mind-reader.

• Trying to be right.

• Getting defensive and not really listening.

• Shutting down and refusing to talk.

• Contempt. Sarcasm, mockery, insults, eye rolling, and hostile rumor.

• Criticism. Character attacks and blaming others for negative things that happened.

• Defensiveness. Blame a partner instead of taking responsibility for one’s own behavior.

• Stonewalling. Disengagement, avoiding eye contact, and not acknowledging the other person.

These situations may appear and not allow the couple enough time to properly discuss their thoughts. Soon, couples begin to argue, ignore, and yell at each other every time the topic arises. It’s typical for couples to use criticism and blame each other for something negative that happens. 

If left untreated for too long the issues with communication between couples can eventually begin affecting others in their family, whether it be children or their own family/friends. Parents may begin yelling at the children and not even fully listening to what the children are trying to say. As a result, children may begin to blame themselves for their parents’ unhappiness. When children see a lack of communication and togetherness between parents, or arguing between parents, it’s likely for children to mimic that behavior at school. 

Even if the dysfunctional communication does begin affecting others, that does not mean that it can never be helped. The first step in working towards rebuilding communication is for both people involved to notice the problem and want to re-build it. As always, couples therapy and/or family therapy can help to open to one another about difficult communication, what may have brought it on, and slow steps to rebuild it. Communication can also be strengthened at home. Some of the main steps to work on are as follows:

• Take a 20-minute time out. 

• Stay focused. Try to stay on the current issue at the moment. 

• Try mindful meditation, which can help you stay focused in the present.

• Listen carefully. Hear them out; don’t interrupt, get distracted, or defensive.

• Reflect back what they say. Helps them know you understand.

• Try to see their point of view. If you don’t understand, ask more questions until you do.

• Respond to criticism with empathy. Try to understand other’s reasoning with acceptance.

• Try to take a step back and look for what is true in what they are saying.

• Own what’s yours. Everyone likes to admit to what is theirs, a great strength.

• Use “I” messages-Begin statements with “I” and make them about yourself.

• Look for compromise.

• Take a time out. When you feel the anger coming, take a small break to cool down.

If someone, or both, are still unable to rebuild their communication to their goals they may need to bring in someone else for help. As previously mentioned, couples/family therapists are trained to help couples/families set and reach their goals step by step.